Chapter 21: Hard to Say

"A-Actually, Mai-chan," Ema begins timidly. She squeezes her drink so hard I fear it might spill.

"Hai, Ema-chan?"

She swallows nervously and screws her eyes shut. Then shakes her head. Then opens and closes her mouth.

"Ema-chan, what's wrong?"

It must be pretty bad if she can't come outright and say it.

"Did someone die?"

At once Ema waves her hands in denial.

"Iie, iie, nothing like that!" She lowers her gaze. "It's... I mean, I have a question."

"A question for me?"

She nods.

Okay, we're getting there.

"You can ask me anything," I say. "Ah, but don't ask me to go easy on you in our next Zombie Hazard session. I'm gonna win fair and square!"

Ema can't help herself. Giggles burst out of her as she recalls our last game. She's unexpectedly good at gaming and I can't seem to win against her, though I do put up a good fight.

I smile, glad that she's looking a little less tense. I wait for her to recover, after which she gives a small smile, though her gaze remains downcast.

"It's about living away from home," she says at last. "I... Why did you choose to live away from home?"

That was not something I expected.

From what I know about Ema, she's lived with her brothers, the Asahinas, at Sunrise Residence for at least a year. I remember Juli mentioning that they used to live elsewhere, but I have no idea if he meant him and Ema or Ema and her father, nor for how long.

"Living away from home..." I ponder to myself. "Do you mean for high school or university?"

"Ano . . . Yes."

A bit vague, but I can work with that.

"Well, I think I mentioned that I wanted to attend a high school in Tokyo, so I had to move away from home for that. Same for university. There aren't exactly any big schools I wanted to go to back home."

"Oh, that's right. You're not from Tokyo..." Ema ponders. "Was it a hard choice to make?"

"It wasn't easy," I admit. "Being away from family is tough, but in the end I wanted to follow this path, so I did it." 

Thinking back, I also wanted a change of scenery. I hear that by the time you graduate from high school most students are ready to go. They're ready to leave home and find their own place in the world. For me it happened three years earlier than usual. 

Ema looks a little frazzled, like she's conflicted about what to say. I've been positive about it so far, so maybe she's looking for a more balanced opinion.

"It's still not the easiest thing," I add, staring down at my drink. "Being away from my family is hard, even if we call a lot and they come to visit me when they can. There's also the cost of it. I'm working now, so it's okay, but it can be stressful during exams."

"I see..." Ema lowers her head as well. She's deep in thought, and I'm not sure what else I can say. She doesn't ask me any more questions, either. 

Since my answer doesn't seem to satisfy Ema, though, so I ask, "Are you thinking about moving out, Ema-chan?"

"No!" she replies, a bit too forcefully. Ema realizes it herself a second later and lowers her head, caving into herself. "I just... I don't know."

I think back on what else she's told me about her family. Not all of her brothers live at home. Could she be concerned about them?

"Hey, Ema, you don't have to answer this, but have your brothers always lived together in one place?"

"It's only recently that my brothers began moving out," she says.

"Who was the first to go?"

"I don't know," Ema admits. "I didn't ask, but by the time I moved in Hikaru-san and Natsume-san had already left. After that, Subaru-san and Iori-san left for university, and Kaname-san left for a while to do sequestered training." She lists them off on her fingers.

I can't help but be surprised at the "sequestered training" part. I don't think it helped Kaname quell his earthly desires one bit.

"But they all still come around, right?" I met most of the ones she listed at some point or another.

"They do, but it's not the same." Her tone saddens. "A lot of them still live at the residence, but I can't help but feel lonely sometimes."

I can empathize with her a little bit, but in my case I was the one who left home. Sure, I missed my family at first, and I still miss them now, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to live my life here in the city.

When I tell this much to Ema she softens a little. "You're right, Mai-chan. I shouldn't worry too much about this. We're still a family no matter where we live."

She says that, but why does it feel like she's still forcing herself?

"Ema, are you worried about your brothers?"

"They're my family." She says it like it's the only answer she could give.

I purse my lips. She hasn't explicitly stated what's bothering her, so I really don't know what to say or how to help. The more I think about it, I have to wonder if even Ema knows what's bothering her. She lives happily with her family now, but as they go on with their lives some of the Asahinas moved away, even if only temporarily.

Does Ema feel like she's being left behind?

I don't say it out loud, but I have a feeling it might be something of that nature.

"If you're wondering what it's like to live alone, I think you should ask your brothers about their experiences," I suggest. 

Ema looks up in surprise.

Jumping on this note, I continue, "Everyone's experiences of living away from home are different, and we each have our own reasons. Since it's your family you're worried about, why not ask them directly? I'm sure they'd be happy to talk to you about it."

She considers this and seems to agree. "I suppose you're right. Thank you for your advice, Mai-chan."

Ema sips her drink and we move onto discussing where I should take my family when they come to visit.

We've left the awkward conversation about moving out behind, but it doesn't feel fully resolved. Whatever happens, I'm sure that at least one of her brothers will be able to help her better than I can.

——————————

It's a few days later after another tour, this time without Ema due to scheduling conflicts, when Ema messages me with good news.

E: Natsume-san agreed to meet to discuss what we talked about the other day

That's great! I message back. Despite being the same age, Natsume seems a lot more mature than Tsubaki, so I can imagine he'll do what he can to help Ema.

E: We're meeting tomorrow for lunch.

M: Sounds good

E: We can meet in the living room before we go. I'd like to check the train schedules first.

M: Okay?

Is there a reason she's telling me this part of the plan? I figured she might update me sometime afterward, but I guess I'll be getting a play-by-play.

E: Natsume-san says we're eating at a cat cafe. You like cats, right, Mai-chan?

M: I do, but what does your lunch have to do with me?

E: ...

E: Σ(°ロ°)

E: Did I not tell you that you're invited too?

I nearly drop the phone. Squinting, I reread the last few messages. Ema said nothing about me coming along at all!

M: He's your brother so I thought it would be just the two of you

At least, that's what makes the most sense to me! I've only met Natsume once. Why would he think about inviting me, too?

Unless...

M: Ema, did you tell him that I was coming too?

E: ? I thought that was a given?

Clearly there's been a misunderstanding, but Ema is convinced that I'm going. She sends me the date, time, and the location of this cat cafe as though I've already agreed to go. Now that she's consulted with Natsume it's going to be hard to back out.

"Urgh. I meant for you to have a heart-to-heart with your family!" I toss the phone onto the bed, lest I read Ema's next message as soon as it comes in. I don't want to think anymore. It's not the end of the world to be roped into a lunch with Ema and Natsume, but at the same time I don't want to get involved.

Ema insinuated that this was something she should talk to her family about, so I don't have a place in the discussion. As her friend I will support her from the side, so why is she putting me at the forefront?

"Is she that nervous about the subject and wanted someone else there to make it less awkward?" I wonder to myself. "But Natsume-san is her brother, not mine."

I run my fingers through my hair.

It's pretty much decided, so I respond that I'll be there. Ema is delighted and says she can't wait. l lock my phone screen right after and shove the device under my pillow.

Maybe I'm the one who needs to learn to say things clearer.