Destroyed

I find myself circled after some time,

I spit some blood laughing, before stretching back up

-Is this all you have?! God! So weak... What a useless man you are-

I throw my head back laughing, before watching in between the men with the tail of my eye... Locking eyes with the Boss, hidden behind

-You really have guts! Don't you see in what situation you are in? Stupid Woman-

-Ah...? Stupid woman you say?- I close my eyes with my face still toward the sky smiling

-Mhn, I sure am- I turn on my attacking position and dash forward, one sword in one hand and one flaming spear in the other, beginning to take down a man after the other

It feels weird...

I keep on killing, I trained for this but it doesn't feel like anything...

Some says it's shocking at first and some feels extremely energetic...

But neither is my case, the more I kill the less I feel... It's nothing.

Isn't it disgusting? Treating human lives as pretty flowers, stepping over those when walking in a field

While I'm distracted I receive a hit on my jaw -Humph...! Ah? Tz!-

I rotate my sword having it catch fire too and trust into the man's intestines, twisting around more and more... Cauterizing and cutting, Destroying and smashing his whole being.

I stare right into his eyes seeing first fear, then pain, somehow sadness too...

Then nothing

-I dare you hit me again-

I take back my sword turning around -What now?! No more?! Where did you all run off to Uh?!?!

Cowards!!! COME BACK AND FIGHT ME!!!-

I see a man crowling on his elbows with half leg gone -You, ehy! I'm talking, turn around!-

I throw my spear beside, him making him joilt scared, on the dirty ground and then I approach crouching as he turns to face me, laying down

-Please don't kill me...-

-Why shouldn't I?-

-I have a family...-

-And?!- I open my eyes wide, before laughing at the idiocy of his words

-As if nobody else does here! You should have thought about it before joining such a war!

Nobody forced you guys to, but still you came her invading us and taking our parents... Children... Elderlies... Everything!!!

So tell me... Have you ever freed any of your innocent victims? Have you stopped burning someone alive becsuse they begged you? Have you spared an enemy's soldier because he said he had a family?-

He shake his head crying, not being able to reply to that

-As I thought... Then excuse me if I do not let go someone as guilty as you...-

I stand up and rise my sword, which start buzzing of a white static light... It builds up and little lightning form on it.

I throw it foward... Missing the man, on purpose.

He falls back down crying over and over, almost fainting

-Get back to whoever started all this and warn him...

Warn him that YING CHANGLAI IS COMING FOR HIS HEAD!-

The man pushes himself up and crawl away falling a few times due to his missing leg, crying and screaming in pain

I turn around after hearing a few steps

-So there are more enemies afterall...- I take back my buzzing spear in on hand and face the approaching soldiers, cleaning the blood off of my sword's blade with one quick motion.

But who I meet are a few of my men and Qin Luo, staring at me with wide eyes

-No more men, you killed them all Lai'Er- Luo's eyes fall on my sword and bloody clothes first... Then on the tons of corpses behind me, he's worried if not scared, as the horn of victory echoes all over the Valley

He comes closer taking away my sword with very slow and cautious movements...

-It's not all mine, don't worry... I got scratched here and there but...!-

He passes and hand behind my head, dragging me to hide my face in his embrace

-That's not what I'm worried about-

I remine shocked a few seconds... As my spear slowly slips off my hand, hitting the ground.

-Qin Luo I...-

-Shhh it's ok now, let's get out of here- he snuggles me as I grab onto him shaking, realizing that I once again lost control...

...

Back at the base Qin Luo forces me seated, as soon as I wear fresh clothes

-Are you alright?-

-Yes-

-What you did there...-

-Don't mention, I know... I lost control, like always... I'm... A menace- I clench my teeth holding tight on the corner of the chair

-The Generals might get curious if someone reports it to them... But I wouldn't know if in a good way or not-

-Qin Luo...-

-I'm here- he drops on his knees with a softer tone of voice now

-Isn't it too risky for... Everyone if I keep on staying here?-

-What do you mean?- he takes a cloth and dip it into the water bowl on the table, before starting to clean my face from the dry blood with slow and delicate tracings...

His eyes are sad, melancholic even.

-In the Army-

-Why?-

-I don't know myself... I felt a weird sensation on the battlefield this time.

Well it would be more precise to say I didn't felt anything-

His eyes following his hands both stops, and he looks down -I understand what you are trying to say... I'll take care of it, don't worry-

-How? You wouldn't be able to stop me, we both know that... If the one my blade meets was not an Enemy... Then...-

-Stop talking...- He rubs the cloth over my lips, trying to make me shut up -There's still blood all over, I'll clean your face-

-I... Uhm...! Let me talk!- I push his hands away -I mean...

If either I lose complete control or get tricked by someone to betray you...-

-Shut up!!!- He yells as a dark shadow clouds his face

-...I wouldn't feel anything and might even kill y...?!-

As I was talking he rises himself toward me, leaning in to place a kiss over my lips... The intention was strong, but I feel him tremble and soon after he falls back down, seated on his heels as the lips who where encaging mine slip away.

That brief moment of warmth gone, forever...

-Shut up already...- he bends over himself, suffering

-Qin Luo... I'm sorry...- I try to reach an hand but stop midway as he comes to face me again

-Why are you the one apologizing? I should be the one doing it... For loving you and not being enough.

I will never be a match, nor will I ever be able to protect you or stop you if worst happens...

I'm just but a mere human... While you are a Goddess in my eyes-

He twists the cloth looking at the ground again, making my heart ache as tears of frustration build up in his eyes

-I feel extremely inferior when I'm with you... It hurts so much to love you...

When you departed for that black mountain I was so scared and yet I couldn't do anything. I'm useless for you, I even caused you trouble when I tried to help...

I can't keep up with you, you are meant for something great while I'm what?! A common soldier, the killer of my son's mother!!!

I cannot follow you to where you are headed, no matter how much I want to be with you... I cannot fly that high without falling back and getting smashed on the ground.

I cannot help you in any way, I cannot even be your crying shoulder...

I think I was already in love with you thanks to all the tales your brother told me, with shiny eyes full of love... Due to my brother's letters I realized that I really wanted you so, when I finally met you... I really thought I was going to be a shield for you, that I was able to support you and maybe one day we would have been able to love eachother...-

Tears start rolling on his cheeks and soon after I notice to be feeling the same sadness I see in his eyes...

I would love to say something... To comfort him...

But isn't it the truth?

He's an amazing person but still too weak for what I face most of the time on the battlefield...

I cannot bring him with me or he might get hurt,neven die!

And I absolutely do not want anything to happen to him...

He cannot stop me if I lose control either, yet all this time he's been following me in my weird plans and trainings like a shadow... Just to be by my side

I don't want to hurt him nor physically nor mentally...

Forcing him to be by my side while feeling so bad inside.

I cannot find any word to say

-I know that stare... I know to be pityfull and I hate it, being so exposed and weak in front of you. I do not want to put you under any pressure or cage you, and that hurts even more because doing so means letting you go...-

He stands up coming to lean his hands beside my figure on the chair

-As I said, I would fall and die but you are meant to fly... Fly freely, high above-

His forehead touches mine as I feel his fast breathing over my cheeks

I cannot say I didn't understand his feelings already, egoistically ignoring those... But it's never nice to see a friend of yours being in pain, even less if you are what's causing their pain...

His dark locks fall over his shoulders, covering us together behind a sad tend

I could love him, it wouldn't be hard at all... I could even say I already do honestly...

But he's right, it hurts him to love me and so would for me...

Constantly dreaming of a different life while retaining myself from helping for the fear of departing from eachother, and him wanting to let me have such a life yet not wanting to let me go and lose me.

I cannot force him into an happy yet sad future

There is no painless solution for him

-You don't have to say anything... I just wanted to finally let you know- he murmurs before straightening up

-I'll go talk with the Generals, you should rest- I say standing up with him

-No, I will... I don't want to stay here together at the moment-

-I... Uhm... Mhn- I nod and he's soon gone