Will the World be Safe?

-Stop drinking now!- Qin Luo takes the wine bottle away from my hands, bringing me back to reality -Why don't you try to explain properly what happened instead of drinking like an alcoholic and muttering nonsense?-

I face him and sigh, leaning back on the chair -I lost the deity I was supposed to rescue- I pass an arm over my eyes, even just the soft light shining from candles is too much to bear -I failed-

-How can you "lose" a deity?- asks him crouching down, with an hand on my thigh... I come to face him, his expression is normal, he's not blaming me nor ridiculing me

-I was supposed to take her to that nameless man, for him to take her away and help her regain strength... But he wasn't there, Instead I found a woman, an Assassin under an apparently very powerful Master... They threatened us to get the deity, I did thought about giving in... Not because I was afriad, but because the death of that woman looked like a positive thing in my selfish brain. But still I was ready to fight them and not let her go even tho my whole existence was begging me to let them have her... Against my prediction tho, the goddess sacrificed herself to let me go unharmed, sill lying to my face that she won't get killed while beign taken away by an Assassin...-

I look away -I failed twice today... With no right for it, I wished for the death of a deity... And even let an Enemy steal such a prescious Ally- I bite the inside of my check, tasting blood

-Lai'Er...- he tries to talk but end up finding himself with an empty mouth, obviously there's nothing to say when I clearly did wrong

-It's fine, I don't care if you have no words to sweeten this horrible situation... It's a disaster even if we sugar coat it- I push his hand off of me and stand up, ready to leave -I... Have a bad feeling about all of this- I say with one hand on the tend's door -I still haven't figured out who is behind this War and a new Enemy appears... Maybe I will be able to end the war, but will the world really be safe after? Who knows if an even worst menace comes after? And... Will I be there to help everyone then?- I sigh and leave

...

I seat alone at the end of the camp... I prepared some soup for myself with a small fire that long ago turned cold. The small pot, hanging on a couple of branches, swings slowly and the fire already extinguished... Instead of eating I keep twisting my fingers around the hair ribbon I was gifted months ago.

It's again one of those nights... When all the dark thoughts submerge and crush onto me, one of those nights where I feel lost and useless. Seeing all the darkness crawling on the ground and climbing with its claws over me... Reaching for my heart, my brain, my rationality, my sanity...! Eating all my hope and strength away...

The hungry refugees slowly covering the whole Nation, expanding like spilled oil on the ground.

The delicate figure of Hua, when I grabbed him to rescue him from a falling tree... That was caused by me and me alone.

LingHe's lost eyes, full of questions and doubts, he wanted to speak, to explain... But instead got forced to disappear.

I see that little kid, living his last days in fear... Missing his family, writing a diary right before beign slaughtered...

All the exposed corpses, the tombs and the crying families... The failed Strategies and lost battles... I see the blood gushing out of my comrade's throats, the same blood covering me from head to toe...

I feel useless.

All this power for... Nothing. I can even win a battle here and now but thousands of peoples died, they won't come back... And they will continue diying in the centuries to come. I wanted to be an example for other women at first... After discovering my powers I thought I could have really ended this war and be an example for the generations to come, but it's impossible.

Not even Deities, who are so much more powerful than me, can achieve peace So... How can I possibly think to change humanity? To eliminate the greed and the thirst for power from this world? To archive peace I would need to kill each creature that exist and start a new World, yet it is not guaranteed that humans won't be a delusion again... That's why I'm useless, I can help now, but I can't solve anything!

...

-War Goddess... Who am I kidding? Tz- I roll my eyes, wet from the held back tears -Not even Deities want to save this world from corruption, who am I to have such a desire? Maybe that's just how the World is... And yet, It feels so wrong to think like this- I sigh and throw the ribbon behind me, standing back up

I hear some steps but don't turn around -Who is it?-

-Ah... Dear one, it hurts my heart to see you like this...-

-Uncle Lao?- I turn with wide eyes and face Lao Zao, he bends down to take the ribbon and comes to seat beside me -Seeing all those cracks over your soul is really heartbreaking... I know you since before you were born, Lai'Er... You're like a daughter to me-

-Mhm...- I rise my eyes to the sky seating down again -I know- is all I can pull off now

-What burdens you now?- he asks kindly, letting the ribbon fall on my laps

-I don't want to trouble you with this Uncle... It's nothing I can solve, nobody can... You probably wouldn't understand even if I told you-

-Why don't you try?- he smiles

I suck my breath in, a faint hope approaching as I see his caring expression... Even if he can't help me or this world, maybe just sharing the burden can ease me -This War... If I can really end it, will the world be safe? Forever? No more darkness or premature death?-

He stares at me a couple of seconds with a serious face -Lai'Er... Wars always existed, even in Heaven-

-Heaven is the source of the problem...- I murmur making his expression drop

-What... Do you mean?- he look troubled after hearing such a blasphemy

-Nothing- I sigh, as all that little hope crushes back down in hundred of pieces

-Lai'Er... We cannot predict the future nor we can control it. We can only work for the present, save all the people we can even if they will eventually die one day. We can end this War now and work to preserve peace as much as possible... If another was to come one day, we will face it then... But we must give hope for the "now"-

I press my lips togheter and stand up nodding -Rest Well Uncle-

-Ah, you too Lai'Er- I nod and leave.

...

I don't want to live day by day... That's too much of a sad life, a useless one. Living with hope for seeing It all crush down again and again... Never solving anything for real. If so, this War could even consume the world completely and leave it empty... There's no meaning in such an helpless existence! I don't care about this world if sufference is all we're gonna face. Even less if we can't even enjoy the journey while walking toward your own end