Chapter • 20

•⋅ 1750 B.C. ⋅•

When I realized I was walking towards the lounge to have dinner with Calisto, even if that conversation had not been exactly what I wanted, it had still been good and there was no reason to lock myself in my room and eat alone.

It would be childish and in a way, it would also be stupid.

"Are you sure about that?" I heard Asmodeus say as I passed in front of his room in the hallway leading me to dinner, so he smiles.

"Of what?" I couldn’t help but question and the demon raised one of his eyebrows as if trying to understand if I was dumb or naive.

"Are you sure you want to be around him? You can always find a good excuse and you know... stay away?"

It was a valid option, I realized, but I didn’t really want that, so I just briefly denied it while turning my back on it.

"I want to be treated like an adult woman, Asmodeus," I said simply as I stared him over the shoulder "I won’t get that if I lock myself in my room because I don’t like what I’m told or what they think about me."

He smiled and even as I walked away I could hear Asmodeus' faint laugh from afar, at least... he was having fun with it.

⋅• •⋅

I had barely reached the dining room and in my sharp hearing I could detect a childish laugh. I was delirious, right? There was not even the slightest possibility that that laugh belonged to Loren, after all not in the original work - Callisto had allowed the little one to leave the castle and when Elaine did so, it was to condemn him eternally to the abyss.

But soon the doors opened in front of me and a bouncy and cheerful child practically jumped from the chair and ran towards me.

"Asra!!!! You’re here too!!!" he said looking too excited and when Callisto looked at me with disbelief and surprise, I could only smile.

How would you explain why you knew Loren? How would you explain to him that you already knew who the little one was and that I never told him about Loren coming to my garden?

These doubts soon disappeared from my mind, since in the following words, Loren has already removed them.

"I went to the garden again" he said slyly "but you weren’t there... I was... sad. I thought I was lonely and I was crying somewhere."

It was obvious that I was not and it was obvious that Callisto should know this, but still - he looked at me as if he was considering this absurd and silly idea. Then I sighed and held Loren’s little hands, smiled.

"I’m fine" I said kissing her little fingers "I was traveling with a friend, so I wasn’t lonely or sad."

He looked at me, his eyes glowing with curiosity.

"A friend? So... you weren’t expecting me?"

I didn’t know what to say, but I bit my lip as I stared at it.

"Good..." I muttered "I was, but... I needed to help some people, so I decided to travel with my friend and forgot to warn you." Loren raised one of the little eyebrows.

"Are you here to help people?"

"Yes" I spoke with a huge smile "after all I am a phoenix, remember?" I played and the boy with two-eyed eyes smiled, a smile without some teeth and completely pure and naive.

"Yes!" said looking very excited for someone who was seeing me for the second time, but that’s what kids were like, right?

"Asra!" he called me and when I crouched in front of him, Loren smiled "one day you let me fly with you? In your phoenix form?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but for some reason the words simply did not come out and a large knot formed in my throat.

Why? What was wrong? Was it another response from Asra’s stupid body?

That would be ridiculous.

"Loren..." Callisto then muttered and in his voice and in his gaze I saw something that looked like guilt. He was feeling guilty about something, but... what?

"What was it?" The little one looked at him and Callisto extended his arms to finally pick him up.

"It’s not polite to ask people for that sort of thing."

I felt something tighten even more on my chest.

"But... why?" Loren insisted and Callisto’s eyes deviated from mine.

"No..." he sighed "let’s eat, son..."

And when I saw him disregard like that, something screamed in my mind.

'Cause I can’t, I can’t go back that way anymore, I can’t be called a phoenix anymore. Because right now... I’m just a futile, silly thing, I’m just a broken tool thrown aside, but that thought wasn’t mine.

It wasn’t my voice, it wasn’t my intention.

It was something full of resentment, abandonment, agony. It was Asra.

The real Asra.

The one who did everything for Callisto.

I took one hand to my chest and Callisto’s eyes remained fixed on me.

"Are you... not coming?" he asked after sitting Loren in his chair again and I forced myself to smile.

I was not Asra. I had done nothing and sacrificed nothing for Callisto, but even if it was from the beginning, I knew I would, because I loved him as a fan.

I wasn’t Asra, so I had no reason to hold a grudge.

I wasn’t Asra, so I didn’t miss my wings, or my shape... or the things I could do before. Why... I wasn’t Asra.

Then he smiled. The best smile I could get and I answered.

"Sure, sorry... I’m distracted."

Calisto pulled the chair at me and at that moment it was obvious that he did not believe me, but a part of me did not care much whether he believed it or not. I just wanted to not think too much, not consider so many options and finally, enjoy a decent meal. A delicious meal next to the characters I loved so much.

I.

Not Elaine, not Asra, not Azrael or anyone else.

Just me.

He sighed.

"Don’t force yourself" he muttered to my ear when I finally sat down and all I could do was smile.

A faint smile in a failed attempt to calm him, to try to comfort him. An act that was not my usual, perhaps... was hers.