Heart to heart

It had been almost 18 months since I as in the same house as my son. Xmas was right around the corner. What was supposed to be a visit turned into a move in date. We were in the living room and my baby barely said 2 words to me. He would just watch me. Then my mom asked if I wanted to stay with her. I didn't even have the chance to respond my baby said No. We all stopped and looked at him. He was fuming and was just dead staring me. Then he said the very words that made me never leave him ever again. " Just go be with your friends. Go do drugs and drink and go die. You don't even love us. You left us here. I hate you and never want to see you again. " Then he took off running up the stairs towards the attic. I had no idea what was up there. Not until I went up there. He had his entire room set up in the beginning of the attic. Then on the other side was his play area. Then his brothers bedroom and then my room. The attic was pretty big. The ceiling for it was as tall as a normal room plus space in the center. Since the roof highest peak was the center. There was half walls all through it. Creating separated spaces but you could see every space in a single glance. Except for my room. That had a full wall with a half drop Window on both sides. All through there was a string of soft warm lights. Each room had built in shelves, a medium small TV and consoles connected to them. My oldest had both a wii and Xbox. His brother had a wii and Playstation. In my room I had my consoles. Wii, Xbox and Playstation. All were already hooked up and fully functional. All our things were there. I even had a tiny kitchen area. Fridge, microwave, mini cookers and skillet. That area was completely blocked off next to the Window. Which I could tell was just put in. We had a make makeshift house right in her attic. I looked around for my son but I didn't see him. So I walked through the entire area. I found him hiding in one of the built in shelves in my room. I had to open my Window and climb into what would've been my room. I quietly sat on my bed. I wasn't sure what to say to him. Like I'm sorry son. Mommy was sexually abused, freaked out and tried to run from my feelings but now I'm back? No. I needed to take it slow. Besides he's just a baby. So he wouldn't understand anyway. First words that left my mouth were a simple I love you. He just looked at me while all cramped in that tiny cubby hole. At first he didn't say anything. I told him I'm not leaving and if it were okay with him. I would like to move in and stay here from now on. Time seemed to move slowly. He climbed out slowly and got into my lap. He hugged on to me like his life depended on it. We both began to cry as I told him how sorry I am for leaving him. That I would never do that again. JD already knew we weren't going anywhere. My son was still not talking to me. He just held onto me. No matter where I went. He was right behind me. My youngest one didn't notice me either. He also had no idea who I was in general. When the hospital released him. He was covered in medical equipment and needed daily medical care. Since my mom was now a cna I asked her to take care of him and she did it without hesitation. JD stayed for a while. My sons were finally getting used to having us around. Then one day JD said he needed to go home. So we agreed I would stay here and we could take turns driving to see each other. Anyway that's when everything turned upside down.