Pain in change

When I finally arrived and got all my things together. We headed straight to the house. Once I was unpacked. I was quickly registered into school. I got to spend time with my family. One on one and in group settings. It was very heart warming and painful at the same time. I missed so much over the years being separated from them. They missed so much as well. I missed my siblings and wished they were here with me. I wished my bd was there. So many emotions. My grandma took me to see my old pcp. Who took me off my medications. They agreed that I did not need them anymore. So I thought that maybe the doctors I did see. Maybe they were wrong. I decided to go along with it. I quit all my meds cold turkey. Everything was fine at first. After about 6 weeks of being there. I stayed to feel pretty normal. I had some strong feelings. However I just pushed them aside. After about 4 months. I found I was going through a wide range of emotions on the daily. I ended up back in therapy. To help teach myself ways to cope. It was very crazy. Now that I'm completely off of all my medications. I was going through pretty much every single emotion for very little or no reason. I was being triggered at random. Make things worse because I also had anxiety and clinical depression. Random moments of happiness's quickly following sadness or anger. No matter how I tried to stop it. Believe me when I say I truly did try to suppress these overwhelming feelings. Constant flashbacks, scary memories, trauma recollection, and loss would randomly pop up. From my foster parents trying to sa me, to them having me sell drugs at school. The range of things I went through over the few years in the system. Only a few were acknowledged. Specifically getting my fosters in trouble for trying to sa me and having me sell drugs. Of course they denied the drugs. Telling the school that I was lying. The sa that was acknowledged was just as hard. They said I made it all up. Either way the system moved me immediately from school for both households. Memories of when I was living with my family and with my mom. Like the time I got into a fight with my mom and she beat the crap out of me. Which was a normal thing. Honestly I know the flavor of every single tile in my room. With and without the taste of blood. These are the type of things that randomly pop up in my head. Then there's the random moments of rejection and fear of rejection that pops up. Then add the love of my life and his death that constantly popped up. Then my intrusive thoughts. Like how I deserved everything. If I were a better person and child. If I was easier to love and wasn't so broken. Then none of this would have happened. I was literally smiling just to hide the constant turmoil inside my head and heart on the daily. I became very quiet. Like I was there but I blended in with the wall. No one noticed me or my turmoil. They were all busy living their life. Eventually I started to bleed over everyone and everything. Even when I was at work. I was trying to pull myself out of this hole of never ending pain and torment. My bd had moved to where I was. Which we already covered and it helped a little. He is the reason I got a job. He gave me the strength to get yup and go. I loved my job. As a photographer. It brought me joy. Making babies smile and laugh. Then capturing it on camera. It was the best feeling in the world. I would get into trouble all the time because I rarely stayed within the frame and wouldn't follow the basic positions. However I just kept saying the customer is always right. So when they ask me to do things different I do. It's not that I don't respect our company or like breaking the rules. I just like ensuring my customers are happy. That's not my fault. So I apologize that I put their needs above the company but the policy is the customer is always right means I can and so I do. After a while my boss stopped scolding me. Letting me go because she noticed that I had constant returning customers. I built myself a constant stream of customers. Her business was booming and I had over one hundred returning customers each week. For a long while work was the highlight of my life. It was amazing. I still reverted to the silent shell at home but at work. My entire world lit up and while I was there. I was happy. Until the pain and torment followed me to work.