THE GOD WHO SEES ME
Life has away of bringing unexpected connections and and opportunities into our lives. Sometimes it's hard because we don't know how to navigate it. Everyone has been lost in a particular stage in their lives. Trying to find ways to come out of a particular mess! It's terrifying when you come to the realization that nobody can save you, nobody at all.
If pain was a person, it would definitely be a tough opponent in the fighting ring. It's like they say, "Lean on your inner strength". My inner strength failed me, it left me wondering whether am even good enough for myself. The pain was too much that I felt it physically. "Go talk to someone" they say, but people you open up to end up judging the actions they told you to apply. When does it end? Is it when she looks at the mirror and she finds out your upper body part is too wide, her arms are too big, her bursts are fallen at an early age…like when does it end!!!
Tired? Tiredness is an understatement, she's nice because she needs friends, she's mute because she doesn't know the right way she can express herself in order for her not to provoke the listener. She's in a dark room filled with unexplainable demons in form of words. A lot of questions she ask herself. One day in her room, a lot of thoughts going through her mind, it is getting worse, someone save me!!! But nobody, nobody at all. She cried but didn't want anyone to know about it, the most painful tears ever, her chest hurts, the pains were too much to bare. She asked God to take her life…it was that bad. "Lord will you forgive me if I take my life?" She asked but didn't get any response, "Lord I need a sign" still no response, "Abba you see me and you know me" she cried bitterly, "I'm always misunderstood, I have anxieties, I worry a lot, I'm confused, lack self confidence, have low self esteem, stupid, worthless! These harsh words she said to herself, not knowing she was equally hurting God.
Vulnerability with God is what I always do, nobody cares and understands me, but he does. I cried and begged that her returned my peace. I prayed, being religious wasn't what I wanted at the moment. I wanted it to be a discussion between me and him. A relationship of a lovers, a Father and Daughter, besties,: I needed to have that feeling that am seen by God. At least I'm loved and accepted. One thing I know for sure is to rush to my bible whenever my emotions wasn't in check, basically I tell myself that it is what God is saying at that moment to me. So that evening I went to my bible ( that was after crying and ranting to Abba), I saw a passage in the Bible and it says "You are a masterpiece of the Creator of the universe, chosen by Him before time began to be made hol". I came to the realization that God chose me even before I chose myself, he made me, loves me, and he knows me. That knowledge of it gave me calmness and peace…I'm loved, he saw me, he knows am not bad, he knows am not what people say I am, he made me and poured more than enough love on me so I don't need t seek validation. I am seen.
El Roi "THE GOD WHO SEES ME".
This is to any girl who seems lost, abandoned, misunderstood, neglected and feels less f herself; don't give up, you can cry…but don't give up. You haven't seen gif if the good things of life God has planned for you. God loves you.