Commercial: Aperture Science Presents: The S.Q.U.I.R.E.

Tired of the slow, clumsy process of gearing up for battle? Annoyed by fiddly buckles and straps when an apocalypse is knocking at your door? Do you find that the five-to-ten minutes it takes to put on combat armor is just enough time for your enemies to win?

Worry no more! Aperture Science, the global leader in solving problems you didn't know you had in ways you won't fully understand, is proud to present the S.Q.U.I.R.E.! The Strategic Quick-Utility Interface for Rapid Equipping!

The SQUIRE system is your personal, high-speed valet for the modern battlefield. Our patented array of hyper-responsive servo-arms will have you combat-ready in under twelve seconds, ensuring every piece of life-saving—and aesthetically pleasing—armor is perfectly in place. From foundational gel under-layers to that ridiculous-but-tactically-vital groin guard, the SQUIRE handles it all, because your time is better spent fighting for your life.

The S.Q.U.I.R.E. from Aperture Science. Because every knight needs a squire. Especially when the dragons are real.

Disclaimer: The SQUIRE system is calibrated for baseline human forms. Please refrain from significant body modification, weight gain, or impromptu piercings without first recalibrating your user profile. Servo-arms are not responsible for pinching, chafing, limb-misalignment, or accidental depilation due to user error. The SQUIRE is a tool, not your mother; it will not check if you have put your armor on backwards. That is on you.