F.U Pritchett

"So, when is this movie coming out?" Mom asked Margot as we sat outside by the pool, enjoying a sunny breakfast. The table was laden with fruit, pastries, and steaming cups of coffee. Alice, perched in her high chair, was happily munching on a piece of toast while Nathan busied himself scrolling through his phone.

"In two weeks," Margot replied with a warm smile, taking a sip of her orange juice.

"It's a great movie," I chimed in enthusiastically.

Nathan glanced up. "So, is this like a remake of the old Bonnie and Clyde?"

"Well, no," Margot answered, setting her glass down. "It focuses a lot more on the police hunting them as well."

I added, "Think of it more like a crime thriller. Bonnie and Clyde are portrayed more like the bad guys."

"I remember you telling me this movie came out already, Danny," Mom said.

"Yes, it did. They did a small release so it could be considered for the awards."

"It will only be considered by a few," Margot said, looking a bit sad.

"Well, blame the idiots at Universal for that," I said, "but hey, they realized their mistake and now are giving you a bigger premiere."

Margot nodded appreciatively, but her attention suddenly shifted to her phone. She looked amused, letting out a small chuckle.

I was still talking to Mom about the clueless execs at Universal, but I couldn't help noticing Margot's reaction.

"What?" I asked, leaning closer.

Margot glanced up at me, her lips curling into a mischievous grin. She held up her phone and began to read aloud: "'How can anyone take this guy seriously? He's the one who said his favorite part of The Godfather was when Vito's mustache turned into a tree.'"

I froze mid-bite, recognition dawning instantly. Last year, I had joked during an interview about The Godfather, giving that bizarre answer when asked about my favorite scene. It was clearly a joke, but someone wrote an article during the movie's 40th anniversary and, somehow, my joke was taken as a serious statement. Apparently, it had stuck with some people.

"What, did someone write an article about it?" I asked.

Margot smirked. "Ryan Reynolds tweeted it."

My fork clattered onto my plate as my smile vanished. 'Oh great,' I thought. Ryan and I had been sniping at each other on Twitter, and the whole internet now knew—or at least had confirmation—there was something going on between us. The back and forth had begun since my appearance on The Tonight Show three months ago.

"Did he really?" I asked, my voice dangerously calm.

Margot nodded, turning the phone to show me the tweet. There it was, for the world to see.

"That fu—" I caught myself just in time, glancing at Alice, who was giggling innocently at the table. "That idiot!" I corrected, forcing a smile.

Alice clapped her hands. "Idiot!" she repeated gleefully.

Mom looked up with a curious expression. "I don't know why you don't like Ryan Reynolds. He seems like such a sweet actor."

"'He's such a sweet actor,'" I mocked, scrunching up my face. "No…No… he's the devil," I added.

Margot rolled her eyes, leaning back in her chair. "Your son is being stupid," she told Mom with a laugh. "Ryan played a small prank on him, and now he's acting like it's a grand slight against him."

"It was not a small prank!" I interjected, waving my fork for emphasis. "It was a power play."

Margot ignored me, continuing, "And now Ryan's recent movie cut into the box office of Toy Story 3."

"The Croods," I said dramatically. "People are watching The Croods instead of Toy Story 3!"

"The Croods" I repeated.

Nathan looked confused. "You told me Toy Story 3 is about to hit a billion dollars. What 'loss' in the box office?"

I muttered under my breath, "It could've gotten more."

Margot chuckled, shaking her head. "You know, I actually agree with Ryan on this one. You could've said something profound about The Godfather. Instead, you went with… what was it again? 'Your favorite part was when Vito's mustache turned into a tree'? What does that even mean?"

Nathan burst out laughing, clearly remembering the scene I was referencing.

'At least someone got the joke' I thought.

I shrugged nonchalantly. "Look, I'll be honest with you. The Godfather doesn't really do it for me."

Margot gasped, clutching her chest as though I'd just committed a grave sin. "What? What do you mean you don't like The Godfather? It's like the perfect movie."

Nathan nodded in agreement, pointing his fork at me. "Yeah, Danny, what the hell? That's like film blasphemy."

I liked The Godfather. It's a great movie, and it's not that I thought it was bad. It's just that I watched it after seeing films like Casino and Goodfellas, and I even finished The Sopranos before watching The Godfather. So in my personal opinion, it ranks about third or fourth in that genre.

I looked at the three of them and, deciding to have some fun, I smirked and said, "It insists upon itself."

Margot tilted her head, her eyes narrowing. "It insists upon itself? What does that even mean?"

"It insists upon itself," I repeated, leaning back in my chair with a smug grin.

Nathan groaned. "It's like the perfect movie! How can you, of all people, say that?"

"I just didn't get it," I said with a shrug.

Mom, who had been listening quietly, chimed in, "I mean, people have different tastes," trying to be supportive.

"I mean, it's like that movie you made me watch," I said, turning to Margot. "Eat Pray Love. I didn't get that either."

Mom's supportive tone vanished in an instant. "Excuse me? What's wrong with Eat Pray Love?"

"What do you mean, what's wrong with it?" I asked incredulously. "That movie—and the book—practically damaged the reputation of white American women everywhere."

Mom's face hardened, and Margot crossed her arms. "It's a very inspirational story," Mom said defensively, with Margot nodding along.

"Inspirational?!" I leaned forward. "A woman gets married to a stable, loving guy, gets bored, cheats, and somehow becomes enlightened by eating carbs in Italy, getting laid in Bali, and doing yoga? What an inspirational tale!"

"You wouldn't understand. It's nuanced," Margot shot back, narrowing her eyes. "Oh, I forgot—I'm talking to the guy who didn't like The Godfather."

"That woman is a horrible person, Margot," I said firmly.

Mom looked at me. "Maybe poor Ryan is right in this feud you have with him."

"My own mother betrays me," I declared dramatically, clutching my chest. "Just like Scarlett."

Margot couldn't hold it in any longer and burst into laughter.

Mom glanced at Margot, clearly expecting an explanation for her reaction.

"Well, our friend Scarlett—" Margot began.

"The redhead who acted in your first movie?" Mom asked.

"Black Widow?" Nathan interjected.

"Yes, the very same," Margot confirmed. "She is now dating Ryan… and Danny here is not thrilled about it."

Yes, Scarlett was indeed dating Ryan Reynolds. Perhaps, because Green Lantern didn't exist in this world, Ryan never met Blake Lively. It was a strange turn of events, though not entirely unexpected. In my old reality, Scarlett had been married to Ryan.

Here they met while shooting Don Jon—for some reason, Ryan was the lead in that movie here. Like, what the actual fuck? Why was Ryan Reynolds the lead in Don Jon of all movies?

I couldn't hold back. "Scarlett has bad taste…"

"So you say," Margot replied with a smirk.

Nathan jumped in. "Look, why don't we take a break from whatever this is and go visit the Pritchetts? Gloria just had a baby."

That was an excellent suggestion. "That's a great idea," I said. It was the perfect way to escape a conversation that somehow turned my own mother and girlfriend against me on feud against Ryan Reynolds.

As the others started wrapping up their breakfast, I pulled out my phone and opened Twitter. I needed a solid comeback. Too bad Green Lantern didn't exist in this world—otherwise, it would have been the perfect jab. But then I remembered something else.

That terrible Wolverine movie he was in… that one still existed.

My fingers hovered over the keyboard as an idea started to form. Then another thought struck me—who owned the rights to Deadpool in this universe?

====

We arrived at Jay's house and were greeted at the door by Manny.

"Danny!" Manny exclaimed, his usual eager tone filling the doorway.

"Hey, Manny," I said, shaking his hand.

Then his gaze shifted behind me, first spotting Mom and Nathan, whom he greeted politely. But when his eyes landed on Margot, his demeanor changed instantly. He straightened his posture, ran a quick hand through his hair, and put on what I could only describe as his "charm face."

"Hello, Margot," Manny said, his voice dropping into a lower, more suave tone.

Margot, clearly amused, replied, "Hi, Manny."

"Looking radiant as always," he added, opening the door wider for us.

I rolled my eyes, but Margot simply smiled as she walked in.

"So, where's Gloria?" Mom asked, stepping inside.

As if on cue, Gloria appeared from the dining area, holding a baby in her arms.

"Ayy! Mary, Nathan… and Danny too!" Gloria exclaimed, beaming. Then her eyes landed on Margot, and she hesitated, her expression faltering for a second.

"Margot," I prompted, helping Gloria remember. "My girlfriend?"

"Oh, yes! Margot," Gloria said quickly, smiling warmly. "Sorry, sorry—my mind has been all jumbled lately."

Margot chuckled and said, "Pregnancy can do that to you."

From the stairs came Jay's familiar gruff voice. "Ah, so the busy big shot finally visits."

I looked up and saw Jay descending the stairs. "Sorry, Jay. I've had a lot on my plate."

Jay chuckled and waved me off. "Well, you're here now."

I walked over to Gloria to take a closer look at the baby.

Gloria smiled at Mom and Alice. "Did you miss little Fulgencio?"

Fulgencio? I thought to myself, blinking in surprise. Never heard a name like that before.

I glanced over at Jay, who wore a tense, almost exasperated expression. Clearly, he wasn't a fan of the name either.

After fawning over the baby for a while, Mom, Margot, Gloria, and Manny stayed in the dining area to coo over little Fulgencio. I noticed Manny hovering far closer to Margot than was necessary, but Margot didn't seem to mind. The kid can be a little extra sometimes.

Meanwhile, Jay, Nathan, and I settled into the living room. I sank into one of the plush chairs.

"So, Fulgencio?" I asked, as Jay handed me a drink.

Nathan raised an eyebrow. "I actually knew someone named Fulgencio."

"Really?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

Jay snorted. "No, you didn't."

Nathan nodded, insistent. "Yes, I did. One of my ex's grandfathers."

"So, it's an old-timey Latin name, huh?" I asked, taking a sip from my glass.

"Seems so," Jay replied. He paused, his face twisting slightly. "But you know what she wants his middle name to be?"

Nathan and I leaned in expectantly.

"Umberto," Jay said flatly.

I blinked, letting the name settle in my mind. "Fulgencio Umberto Pritchett," I muttered.

"F.U. Pritchett," I said, shaking my head.

Nathan's face scrunched up in confusion. Then, as if a lightbulb went off, he realized what I was thinking.

He laughed, and Jay gave me a look that said, Exactly.

"Change the middle name, at least," I suggested.

"Yeah, you won't be able to change the first name," Nathan added, nodding in agreement.

Jay sighed, swirling his drink. "I'm trying. Believe me, I'm trying. I want his name to be Joseph, you know? Something normal. Call him Joe and let this Fulgencio business just stay on the official papers."

"Good idea," I said, raising my glass to him.

"Solid plan," Nathan agreed, lifting his drink as well.

We chatted for a while, the conversation drifting to various topics—mostly Nathan and Jay discussing what it's like to have a baby in the house. Nathan shared a few anecdotes about when Alice was younger, and Jay occasionally nodded, looking both nostalgic and exasperated, remembering when he'd already raised Mitchell and Claire years ago.

"So, did you think about my proposal?" I asked after a pause, changing the subject.

Jay glanced at me, taking a measured sip of his scotch. "Yeah, about investing in some of your movies? I think I'll do it. I'm going to retire anyway, and you seem to be at the top of your game right now."

I smiled. "Smart move, Jay. You won't regret it."

He pointed his glass at me. "I just finished reading The Revenant last month. Great book, kid. You did a fantastic job with it."

"Thanks," I said, genuinely appreciative.

Jay leaned back in his chair, his tone confident. "I'm pretty sure it's going to do great when it's turned into a movie."

"Well," I said, "we're starting shooting in ten months, so just tell me how much you want to invest, then sit back and wait to make some money."

Jay chuckled, shaking his head. "That's what I like about you, kid. The unadulterated confidence. Always selling."

After a while, I walked over to where Mom, Gloria, and Manny were gathered. Mom and Gloria were deep in conversation, their laughter punctuating the air as they gestured animatedly. Manny was kneeling on the floor, entertaining Alice with exaggerated expressions and hand gestures that had her giggling uncontrollably.

And then there was Margot, standing a little to the side, holding Fulgencio in her arms. She cradled him gently, her hands supporting him with an ease that surprised me. Her face was lit up with a warm, affectionate smile as she looked down at the baby, who was staring up at her with wide, curious eyes.

I couldn't help but smile at the scene. It was disarming—seeing her like that. I lingered for a moment, watching as she adjusted the baby's little blanket and swayed ever so slightly, the way people instinctively do when they hold a baby.

Then Margot looked up at me, catching me in my moment of observation. She grinned and held Fulgencio out slightly, as if to say, Look at this little guy.

My eyes widened, and before I even registered what I was saying, the words tumbled out: "Uh, maybe I should hold Fulgencio for a while."

Margot raised an eyebrow, a playful smirk tugging at the corner of her lips. "Here."

I stepped forward and carefully took the baby from her arms.

As I held Fulgencio, I tried to focus on not looking as awkward as I felt. He was surprisingly light, and his tiny fingers clutched at the edge of his blanket. I gave him a small smile, but my mind was spinning.

Yeah, I was definitely not ready for the thought that popped into my head when I saw Margot holding the baby. But still… it seemed nice, though. Really nice.