96. Home is where the hurt is...2

It had been two weeks since my steamy afternoon with Walter, I made sure to ignore his calls and texts until he stopped trying to contact me. I was too ashamed and confused to keep in contact with him, I needed some time away and I used my visit home as an opportunity to get away from it all. I ran as far and fast as I could, I couldn't deal with the aftermath of my wild actions. And between the hospital visits and running things at home, I honestly had very little time to dwell on him. I completely blocked him out, but I was still in communication with Ntando and my other friends, however, only Sandra knew what happened the day before I left. My worst fear was us becoming a casual-sex thing, a booty call. I loved him too much to just end up as his sex thing. I knew I messed up the moment we finished our afternoon play, and it also became pretty clear that he was my weakness, and the only time I could be clear of him, was when there was space between us.

Sadly home was no butterflies and roses either, my mom spent most of her time at the hospital, and sometimes we had to force her to go home to freshen up. She was no longer the mom I knew; all her color and bubbliness had been drained. The woman who was once full of life, always smiling and laughing was now replaced by a depressed and soulless one, and I understood why, my dad was everything to her. We just prayed that she would one day regain herself and confidence. I am grateful for my grandmother because I don't think I would've survived the cold and gloomy atmosphere at home without her silliness. She was a handful with an exceptional interest in my love life and future plans for a family. I found myself thinking, 'If she only knew how complicated my life had become, I am sure it would drive her straight to 100-day prayer', but it was lovely having her, her humor brightened the house. 

After weeks of watching him slowly drift away, my father finally took his last breath and my whole family was instantly devasted by the event; he was really gone and would never walk amongst us or talk to us. For some reason, my mom was incredibly calm for someone who had just become a widow, but I thought it was maybe because she'd been mourning him hence I listened to her when she asked me to follow the doctor to handle the paperwork. To this day, I regret listening to her. I shouldn't have gone, I should have stayed and made sure she was okay, I mean what made me think the woman was okay, my dad was gone. I knew deep down she wasn't okay, but I left her alone in that room full of nothing but people weeping. As I closed the door behind me, I heard a "thud" sound and boom! my mom was lying lifelessly on the ground next to his hospital bed and I instantly went berserk, 'why was she also on the ground?', I was going insane fearing the worst. I screamed for the nurses and they did not waste time finding her a room and told me to wait outside. The thought of losing both my parents on the same night scared me like crazy, I blindly paced outside her room until the doctor came outside, "Your mom will be okay, she fainted from low blood sugar and her exhaustion didn't do her any justice...but she will be okay, she just needs rest...".

I knew my mom was struggling but I didn't think it was that bad. I have never found myself so scared, I really thought I was going to lose her as well and it made me realize how fragile life was. In that moment of shock, I texted Walter, 

"My father passed and I got a death scare from my mother, all of this made me realize how short life is. I am sorry for ignoring you, I just needed time to think about what happened and what it means to me. The thing is, I don't want to find myself being your booty call, no I refuse for it to come to that. I love you Walter and I want us together, but I understand how you feel that's why I am officially cutting ties with you and giving myself a real chance of love. To not complicate my life, I cannot be your friend either, I want to give myself the chance to heal. Love you always, Thandie".

I was finally ready to let go, I wanted what my mother had with my father, and if Walter and I weren't meant to be together and he was not the person created to give me that kind of love, I was prepared to let him go. I finally understood what my mother had been saying this whole time. Watching her sleeping on that hospital bed became my moment of clarity, it was time I stopped chasing pavements. Walter replied and I honestly didn't expect it: 

"If it's not too late, we can do it, the serious relationship. We can give it a try..."

My heart skipped a beat in disbelief, "What?!", I had to read the text and check the name a few times to ensure I wasn't seeing things, "Walter wants a relationship??! With me?"