103. My final offer...

Still driven by the shock and adrenaline from the previous night, in the early hours of the following morning I drove to Walter's place without notifying him. The stammering in his voice when he heard me asking him to buzz me up made his shock evident. The moment he opened the door I was graced by a gloomy face with sad glassy brown eyes. I could tell that just like me, he hardly caught any sleep and the bottle of scotch on the coffee table confirmed my suspicions. 

Walter has never been the type to miss work for anything so I was concerned, "Aren't you supposed to be at work in an hour?", 

He chuckled, "I called in sick. I haven't taken sick leave in a long time anyway. I am sure they understand.", his face darkened even more as he came closer trying to touch my face, "Are you okay? Thandie, yesterday...I am sorry. I-"

I averted his touch and ushered myself to the couch, with a sternness in my voice, I said, "I am actually here to talk about that. I have about 30 minutes...work, you know. I just came back from a long break so I can't afford to take a day off". I had so much work to catch up on. 

He hurried to sit opposite me with a guilt-ridden long face. I sighed heavily, "Okay, I hear that you and Carol had a thing, but I am failing to understand why you still have her numbers and why she still calls you so late at night. The thing is Walter-", I cleared my throat and tried my best to master up my courage.

I clasped my trembling hands together on my lap. My stomach was turning and my heart was beating heavily. For the first time, I was nervous about his response, heaven knows none of my confessions ever worked in my favor. Fearing the same thing would happen again, I became skeptical about my initial plan and I began an endless rant in my head, 'What if he says or does the opposite of what I expect, what would I do? Will I be able to live up to my word - the promise I made to myself?'. Once again, I was hit by another one of those women empowerment quotes, 'You shouldn't have to beg for a love that's meant for you-' but who was I kidding because based on society's standards, I lost my dignity the moment I said yes to this man. Honestly, I can't even count the number of times I've begged for his love and he finally gave it to me and when he did, I thought that would be the end, but it seemed not.

It dawned on me at that second that loving this man won't be black and white, he comes with a lot of baggage, and apparently crazy exes too. 'Was I really going to put myself through all of that? Was I ready? Because the Carol thing would be the perfect reason to end it. Was I ready to at least redeem myself in the face of society?'. I was not aware that my thoughts were running away with me until he shook me gently with a hot cup of my favorite rooibos tea in his hand.

He put it in front of me, then said softly, "Thandie... breathe.", and my body instantly submitted. I could feel all the anxiousness leaving me.

He continued to sigh heavily, "Listen, it seems like you're not ready for whatever you want to say. I can wait for when you're ready... I don't want you to rush into any -"

Not wanting him to change my mind, I cut him off, "Since when do you drink rooibos?",

He smiled, "I don't but you do. So I stocked it up for the days you'll come to visit."

I smiled, if I needed any sign that I was on the right track, that was it. Everyone's love story is different and this one was mine, its crazy and messy but it was days like this that made it all worth it.

I got ahold of myself and finally said what I had to say, "Walter, Carol is part of a past I was not in, but going forward, I honestly want you all to myself. I don't know what kind of life we would have but I honestly think you owe us a fair chance. I waited for you, hell even chased you down, but somehow I feel like I still don't have all of you. To be honest, this goes beyond Carol. Ever since we started dating, I've been anxious. You could go many days without talking to me and it made me anxious. That's why I am here today, I want you and I want to know if you want me the same and if you are willing to make a change". There, I finally said and all that was left, was for his response which took a bit longer to come.

He sighed and leaned back on the couch and defeatedly covered his face with his palm and my heart dropped. This was not the reaction I wanted, and I was not ready for the words that were about to come out. I was not prepared, "I see that you might need to think about what I said and I'm also rushing for work. Maybe you can give me my response once you've thought it through."

I slowly put the cup of tea on the table, "Thank you for this. I will wait for you then".

I took my cowardly ass out of there. 'What have I done? I could honestly lose him for good', I thought as the elevator went down.

I sighed disappointedly at myself then took out my buzzing phone and I was met by his text of six words.

"Call when you get off work",

These six words had me on the edge of my seat the whole office day. It was as if I was waiting for some important test results, I was anxious. I have no clue how the rest of the day went, all I could think of was him and his response. Although it was my idea, I couldn't help but wonder if I made a mistake by talking to him.