Chapter 9: An incredibly difficult choice

Miracle's POV

"No" I said.

"Yes" he countered. He came around and looked at me.

I could see it in his eyes. Just how incredibly sad he was.

"Grandpa died" he whispered, he placed his hands in his jacket to hide the fact that they trembled. "I was in his room when you called…putting things in order because I didn't want Dad to do it. I threw the day-old tea he was sipping into the sink, I made his bed and I…" he blinked and tears fell down his cheek.

I reached out and I wiped it off.

"He is gone and I'm incredibly sad, Miracle. And I know he always said don't cry when you are down but there is a tear every time that I blink. And I got to see him these past two years and you didn't. And I am incredibly sorry that you didn't, Miracle. Because he loved you…he loved us all. He…"

"I know. I saw him" I hugged him and let out a cry. "He is happy, Xavier"

"He is?" He sounded surprised.

"Yeah. He is. He is exactly where he is meant to be. I saw him. He told me to go home"

He pulled away and he shrugged slightly. "You can't come home…not yet. The suburban life mom and Dad raised us in is gone…New York is no longer home. And I'm not just a boy anymore and you are not just a girl from Manhattan anymore. That life is gone. Dad is king of Zolcovia now and I'm first in line…crown prince if you may. And you are a princess and you are next in line…or at least you should be except, instead of going back to Zolcovia to serve your mandatory military service as heir when you turned eighteen…you ran away with…"

"Stevie…" I finished for him.

"Yes! And you need to serve before you are twenty years old and that's next week. Parliament was calling for your removal in the line of succession and grandpa fought it but he is dead now! And Dad won't have a conversation about you…or say your name or…" he stopped talking when he saw the look on my face.

I blinked and looked at him.

"He won't?"

"No. Things are no longer how you remember them. I know he wants you home, he loves you of course" he rubbed his face "But look at you, Miracle. You look like a little chick caught in the rain and beaten down. If I take you home, there is no way our parents would force you to serve. You will lose your place in the line of succession, mom will get hurt…Dad will retreat even further and I don't think we can survive that kind of hit" he was quiet for a few seconds before he spoke again. "I can't survive another loss…not right now"

The little strength I had left me.

***

There is a thing about heartbreak. This thing nobody says, this thing that is there but yet it eludes everyone.

The thing about heartbreak is that it is incredibly illogical.

Someone hurts you and for some reason you still need the same person to heal you.

Your body tells you so, your mind and your shattered heart tells you so too.

It whispers it sometimes and sometimes it yells it as loud as possible.

Without his touch, you will die…. without his smile, what chance do you stand at smiling again.. without their love everything is basically hopeless.

Love is a fool.

Heartbreak is illogical.

It's not rational…nothing about it ever is and It hurts like hell.

I stared at my brother babble on about something that was humanly impossible for me to do.

I'm joining the military he said, dude I can barely get my heart to stop hurting!

I barely find enough strength to sit upright and have this conversation.

I want to go home…I want us to enter the car and drive straight home, I want to go straight into the warm embrace of Mom and I want her to hold me and tell me ways to overcome this mountain of impossibility before me.

I loved and I lost…and now, I am extremely exhausted…just severely depleted.

I want my mom to look at me and I want her to cradle me while I cry to my heart's content because that's all I can do right now…get home.

And afterwards, I want to go to my Dad and take him up on the decade long promise he made.

He said - when you fall down, I will hold you up…I will rebuild you. I will fight for you, Miracle.

I kinda need rebuilding right now.

"Xav, I just want to go home. Maybe Dad will chose me over the rule and change it..."

"Perhaps but I'm not going to let him make that decision, Mimi"

I stared at my brother.

How can you not see it, Xav, I wanted to yell

My foundation is shaky!

I want to go back to seeing the world like he does…not hopeless but filled with love and something more.

I want to heal!

"I can't do military, right now, Xav" I smiled. It was a sad smile "I can't do it"

"Yes, you can. You have no choice"

He moved around to the trunk of the car and he took out a backpack and dropped it beside my feet.

"Everything you need is there. You can change into something less…that" he pointed at the bloodstained dress I was wearing "into something more comfortable and then I will drive you down that hill and place you on a bus"

"Xav…"

"No!" He pushed the bag into my hand. "This is not fun for me, Mimi. You are hurt and I am barely fighting the urge to find Steve and beat him to death" he exhaled shakily. "But I believe in you. You can do this"

I nodded.

"I can do this…okay, I can do this" I tried to convince myself.

Nope! I'm wrong!

"I can't do this!"

"Yes, you can. You don't have to choose the dangerous arm of the military. Be an intelligence officer, it's a desk job. You are princess Miracle of Zolcovia, you are basically their supreme boss, they will go easy on you. Just find the bus for ZIS - Zolcovia intelligence Squad and you will be fine"

I nodded slowly but I was feeling dizzy again.

He tapped my hand to hold my attention. "And…Miracle, no matter what you do, avoid KSI units or their buses because I have no power to keep you safe if you do. Miracle! Stay focused!"

"KSI?" I asked him.

"Yes!" He yelled.

Okay! Keep it down, Xavier.

There was no need to yell. I know exactly the unit to sign up for.

"KSI, right?" I asked him again.

And he nodded vigorously.

Okay. KSI it is.