Desensitised

10th January 2022, 07:00 am

I stare at me and it stares back. Panic was the thing that hit me first. No matter what, I am me. That was my reality. But now, when I stare myself in the face, that reality shatters. Am I who I was yesterday? If I had chosen to do something else, would that person be as much of me as I am now? I can't run from these questions anymore but I don't want to find out. I want to live blissfully unaware whilst the world burns to the ground. I want to be me but that person won't allow me. It has taken my place. It has stolen my memories. In all aspects, it is me.

I grit my teeth. The thing stares at me, it's eyes fearful of me. No, not me. It is scared of what it means. Seeing me here is confirmation of it not being me. But I don't care. I am me! No matter what tries to be me, I will continue being me. I'll do anything just for me to be me alone. Its stare turns cold. It wants to be me as much as I want to be me as well. I ready myself for a fight. It does the same, readying my house keys. If either one of us dies, they'll just come back. But it doesn't know that. I'll use that to take advantage of it. It'll always try to kill me but that doesn't matter. I don't care if dying hurts like hell. I will win.

But we never got that far. A truck swerved across the road, the driver ten shots deep, and turned the usurper into a fine red mist, the remains of which splattered across my face. The keys to my house fall to my feet, I was lucky. I pick up the bloody keys and shuffle towards my house, wiping the blood off on the way.

I think about that encounter and consider the other possibilities. What if that was past me? No... Me just meeting past me would erase me from existence. I don't want to be a example of the grandfather paradox. It must of been a alternative me or maybe future me. If it was any of those, then I'm fine with it. They are just obstacles that stand in the way of me being me.

Then there's the question of The Company. Did they know that all of this is happening? That me and it were ready to kill each other to retain normality. If so why? Why would they want me to fight with that? How does it benefit them? It's obvious that they do know what's going on. They either were the one that created the trait that I got or they are in cahoots with a clone. I'm calling them clones now. If it's the latter, I could use that. I could talk my way out of being turned into swiss cheese and become a advisor so I can take advantage of it.

I can see my house now. Though I wouldn't call it a house, more like an shoddy apartment. It's cheap but it was my house before all of this happened. I approached the door to my house and slot the crimson key into my rusty keyhole. The door creaks open.

I look in. My 3 room apartment is as shit as it was before. I was hoping that those clones tried to clean it up after taking over my life. It doesn't matter anyway. I was just here to pick some stuff up. If I stay here for too long, The Company would probably gun me down. If they know that there is more than one of me, I'd expect that they know where I live. What if they put a tracker on me? God... I hope not.

I grab my backpack, It's filled to the brim with work equipment and my lunch. I won't need most of this. I dump practically everything out of it. Then I grab the essentials. Pens, paper, food, clothes and anything I could use as a weapon. If I'm gonna keep dying and dying over again it's best not to bring my ID. Everyone would just get confused of me using a ID of a dead person. I mean who wouldn't?

I try to put everything back to the way it was, ushering the work stuff into the drawer. As I said before, I can't stay here. I've got to find a safe space or, if I can't, I'll have to ally with The Company. I grimace at the prospect. But where do I go? I don't know. If a clone is working with The Company, They can predict anything I could come up with. It's futile... but I don't care. If they think like me then I'll just wander. If I don't know where I'm going, the clones won't.

And so it's decided. I'll walk with no location in mind. I walk out, lugging the backpack onto my back. I might not see this place again. I've had some good moments with that apartment. Shedding a tear, I turn my back on my old life and took a step into my bloody future.