Chapter 21: My Wrongs

Neither I nor Rosemary make to close the door, and or cover the curtains.

I just sit, and she just pretends to sleep.

My head is a cloud and fog all I once.

I run through the times in my life when I selfishly hurt those I loved because of my own interest.

One instance of this I can remember very clearly was when I and Burke went to a theme park on my 9th birthday.

Mom and Dad had traveled for some meeting, and Burke was left behind to hold down the fort.

And so, he was the one who inevitably had to handle my birthday preparations.

We spent the entire day at the park, getting on and off different rides.

But then, there was this one ride that was out of commission.

It had been my favorite ride since I first came to the park.

It was called the underground pinball.

Its name was given because we would enter a ball, that would roll around a series of routes underground.

Burke begged me to go on the park's many other rides.

But I cried and I cried.

So he made me a promise, that we would sneak in, and have a look at it, but that would be it.

Of course I gave in, excited even.

But when we went in to see the pinball, I snuck away, and boarded the ride.

Everything went crazy afterward, and it ended with Burke in the hospital.

That was the worst thing I had ever done, and though I never did such again, I always managed to get people in trouble one way or the other, because of what I wanted.

But that was just because I was a child, children are stupid and selfish, I've changed, I'm different now.

Is that why Rosemary had broken her arm that one time? Or was lashed till she bled that other time, or...

"No." I scream, trying to silence the voice.

Rosemary shuffles and shifts, but she doesn't react, perhaps she really is asleep.

Those times, those times, I... I was grieving.

Grieving? So you were grieving when you snuck out to watch a movie, and left Rosemary's side, even when father asked her to watch you, even after she begged you.

"stop, stop." I whisper underneath my breath, but the voices won't go away.

Of course she had to pay the price, but did you care, OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry..."

Sorry is what you always say, but you never make amends, you never do, you never change!

"i will change, i have changed."

Yes, you have changed, this time, you've learned to not just punish the people you love, but to get them killed instead, just like...

"NO!" I scream.

I can feel Rosemary jolt up the bed, and make for me.

I clutch my head, doing my best to keep it together before it breaks apart.

"Are you okay?" Abigail asks me.

"you're right." My voice barely registers, a result of the pain rising in my throat, and the sting burning in my eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Rosemary asks me.

"you're right Rosemary, i'm a selfish b*tch." I can't hold back my tears anymore.

I feel her hands on my face, which pulls me to meet her gaze.

"You've been thinking about that this whole time?" I catch the clock at the side of my eye, it's 11 am.

I hadn't realized I'd been here for more than a minute.

"It won't happen again, I swear Rosemary." I take her hands in mine, and I clean out my tears, or at least I try to. "I won't do anything to harm you or Harry."

"Abigail, I know you wouldn't... I, I'm sorry, I was just...upset, angry even." Her expression falls.

"Don't apologize." I wrap my arms around her. "You had every right to be."

I attempt to pick out the totem and toss it out the balcony before her eyes.

But I feel she will try to stop me, so I withhold from doing it now.

"Can we stop hugging and crying so much from now on? I think I'm drying up the moisture in my body. You know I have to always look good for Harry." She chuckles, and so do I.

I let go of her, now sniffling beyond control.

"You don't have to try so hard, he already knows how ugly you are." I cackle beneath my sniffles, and Rosemary laughs.

We spend the rest of the day in her room.

To our relief, Darius didn't call for either of us.

We were served meals by the maids somehow immediately after Rosemary and I had reconciled.

I couldn't help but feel Celine in the matter, whom I tried my best to talk to throughout the day, apologize, somehow.

But each time, she wouldn't have it.

I can't help but feel my actions were that of a fool.

Trying to know the truth about your loved one's demise is foolish?

I feel a vein in my forehead snap, I don't know exactly what it is I want from myself, but I'm tired.

The time has finally arrived.

It's midnight, the sky is as black as coal, and the activities of people are nonexistent.

Rosemary is asleep, and I can feel Celine is gone even for but a moment.

I make my way to the balcony, and I take in my hands the totem.

With this action, I'm letting go, I'm letting it all go.

My mate, my mother, and my brother.

Though every fiber of my being wants to know exactly why they had to leave me that day, I can't let these answers hurt the people I have now.

What's done is done, and I have to accept that.

I pull the totem back, more than ever, feeling the weight bearing down on me.

I stretch my hand as far back as I possibly can whilst pointing my sights over the wall.

I can make the shot, I can do it.

The totem bears down on me by the second, I have to let it go, now, I have to fling it.

I tell myself, but, I can't, I just can't.

But I don't give up, throw it, throw it, throw, THROW IT.

I... can't do it.

"no." I whisper. "no no no no no." I repeat as I fall to the ground.

I couldn't do it.

'Abigail." A voice rings into my ear, it...it is, Elias' voice.