"Xi Xi, I love you. You don't know how much I miss you. Watching your interviews, hearing you mention Beethoven, I get scared that one day you might meet a great composer, and he'll take you away. Your feelings towards me are always unpredictable. In the words of our messages, I can only strive to find evidence of your love. These days, these months, you don't know how I'm living. Every day, I lack sleep. If I'm not working on an album, I'm thinking of you. I wish I could become famous quickly so that more people can hear about my love for you, and then you can't deny it."
A cold wind embraced me from behind, he was breathing heavily, his soft voice faintly audible. He almost tore open my shirt buttons, his hands sliding down, resting on my waist, fumbling with the buttons of my belt in a panic.
I remained silent, gripping his hands, and began to undo the buttons of my belt myself.
"I miss you too. I miss your body. You don't know the torture of desire I endure every day. It truly angers me, even when I return home to face my parents and they inquire about my love life. I fear they'll see through me. I'm afraid my inner desires are already written on my face, and when passion surges through me, I can't lie." I saw Yan Feng's mouth moving, and my lips trembled involuntarily, wanting to release the gushing desire. I turned around and embraced him, hating the tight clothes he wore, with buttons that seemed never-ending.
There was another knock at the door, growing more urgent. Yan Feng's breath became louder, as if desperately trying to drown out the noise. To block out the knocking, we clung to each other and staggered toward the bathroom. I approached the bathtub, sitting on the cold granite edge. Yan Feng crouched down, causing my soft yet firm tendrils to tremble. Occasionally, he lifted his head, looking at me and speaking in a muffled tone, "You should see how beautiful you are now. Sometimes when I see you playing the piano, sweat drips from the tips of your hair, forming scattered beads on your face. Your slightly flushed face, the slightly parted lips, the way you sing, and your current soft panting, it's all so alike."
"Yan Feng, please stop talking," I said with effort. If he said one more word, I felt like I would burst into tears. He fell silent, focusing on leading me into the damp and secluded valley. I struggled to find the entrance, seeing a faint light in the distance. I ran towards the exit, got trapped in the damp and narrow opening, struggled for a moment, covered in humid mud, and in that instant, as I finally emerged, it felt like a rebirth, wet and awake. I held Yan Feng tightly, feeling as if I had escaped death. I opened my eyes, looking at myself in the mirror, appearing unfamiliar, like a newborn. My fingers accidentally touched the makeup mirror at the edge of the bathtub, and the mirror fell, breaking into several pieces. The shattered glass remained embedded in the frame.
"Ah, be careful," he cradled my hand, "If your hand gets scratched, you won't be able to perform."
I smiled, looking at him as if it were the first time he cared so much about me.
"It's okay. I have insurance now that I've signed with the company. It's just this mirror."
"Breaking a mirror brings seven years of bad luck," he said without hesitation. "No, it won't. Xi Xi, you'll never have bad luck. Because you've got the lucky ring."
"Seven years of bad luck? That's too long."
At that moment, I didn't understand, but for the me seven years later, this curse turned out to be true. Perhaps, after I followed Yan Feng to recount the story once, it became a curse for me fourteen years later.
There was another knock at the door. I hastily wrapped myself in a bathrobe and walked to the door, instinctively knowing it was Dai Yanzhi. I put on the door chain, leaving a crack open. It was indeed Dai Yanzhi standing at the door, holding a paper box with Japanese geometric patterns and a pair of wooden chopsticks. In the middle of the chopsticks, there was a small paper bag.
"What are you doing? I knocked three times, and I swore I saw you come back to the room just now. You didn't answer the phone either," he sounded a bit impatient. "Oh, were you taking a bath? Your hair is wet."
I remained silent, unsure where to look. I desperately wanted to turn and check if Yan Feng was hiding in the bathroom, yet I also wanted to engage in a conversation with Dai Yanzhi. In a moment of confusion, not knowing what to do, I felt a rush of blood from my neck to my forehead, reddening my entire head. If I continued to stay silent, I would be exposed; I had to say something, anything.
"Um, yes. Do you want to come in for a bit?" The words came out without much thought, and as soon as I said them, I realized it was a mistake.
"Sure, then unlock the door. We had exquisite sushi for dinner tonight, so delicious. I brought some back for you." He lifted the food box over his shoulder, bringing it close to my face. I stood there in a daze, too overwhelmed to think about it. I turned my head and gave Yan Feng a signal with my eyes, gesturing towards his clothes, hoping he would quickly get dressed.
"What are you looking at? Hurry up and let me in," Dai Yanzhi was still puzzled, and suddenly his face relaxed, as if he had an epiphany. "Ah... I see. Haha! Well then, you take the takeout. I'll go back to my room."
"Ah, don't go." I took the food box and held onto him.
"Got it, I'll come over in a bit. At least put on some clothes, will you?" He chuckled helplessly. "Oh, and the person inside. You guys can't chat with me in bathrobes, right?"
I rubbed my forehead with one hand, nodded, closed the door, and turned towards Yan Feng, who was picking up the scattered clothes on the floor. He was still the same as before, always eager to help me tidy up. I leaned against the door frame, smiling as I watched him.
"Hurry up and put on your clothes; Dai Yanzhi will be here soon."
"I heard it. I'm already getting dressed. Who is he, and did you tell him about us before?" Yan Feng asked, sounding a bit annoyed. I couldn't tell if it was a hint of jealousy or insecurity.
"He's my childhood friend. Don't misunderstand; we're just good friends. He's going to be my manager in the future. He's a good person, very trustworthy, and he won't tell anyone about us. I feel like you're a bit annoyed. Is it jealousy or insecurity?"
Yan Feng placed the clothes he was holding by the bed and came over to embrace me.
"Okay, Xi Xi. If you think it's necessary to tell him, then go ahead. I just don't want anyone to interfere with our relationship."
"I understand your concerns. I've told him; it'll make it more convenient for us to meet in the future. After all, he'll help me with a lot of work and life matters."
"Alright, I get it." Yan Feng slowly released me, handing me each piece of clothing one by one, and then flashed a cheerful smile. "Now, get dressed."
Once we were properly dressed, we tidied up the bathroom mess and sat on the sofa. I picked up my phone, sent a text to Dai Yanzhi, asking him to come over. Without looking at Yan Feng's expression, my mind was occupied with thoughts of how to explain the whole situation to Dai Yanzhi. The doorbell rang again. I sat still on the sofa, and Yan Feng went to answer the door.
"Hello, I'm Yan Feng. You can also call me Alex," his voice came from behind me, making me shiver involuntarily.
"Wow, Ye Xi, you're living the good life, huh?" Dai Yanzhi quickly closed the door. "Hello, Alex. You're quite handsome. Are you, by any chance, a celebrity?"
"Not yet. He just finished his first shoot, and his album was just set to release at the end of February. He's probably still busy with promotions." I looked at Yan Feng and smoothly took over the conversation.
"It's something like that. Just debuted," Yan Feng replied somewhat shyly.
"Both of you, cut out that expression. You're making it seem like I'm interrogating you. Sit down quickly," Dai Yanzhi walked over to the sofa, and as Yan Feng and I exchanged glances, we slowly took our seats. "Tell me, how did you two meet? How did you end up together?"
None of us wanted to create a passive atmosphere, but Dai Yanzhi's confident tone and direct questions left us in a brief and subtle silence. Along with the silence emerged a sweet and ambiguous tension. We all sensed it, and our faces bloomed with uncontrollable smiles. Dai Yanzhi also burst into laughter.
"Don't be nervous. I'm actually one of you. I totally understand. I'm just a bit curious, hahaha. If you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. Have you guys eaten?" He picked up the food box from the coffee table. "These might not be enough for both of you. How about going to an izakaya? It's rare to be in Tokyo, and it's close to Ni-chome, which is fun. Want to go together? Have some drinks, and you can tell me everything later. But, Ye Xi, you can't drink too much. Just one glass. You have a performance tomorrow night, and we can't afford any mishaps. You have to be up by 11:00 AM at the latest tomorrow."
"Shinjuku Ni-chome? I know it," Yan Feng revealed a somewhat indescribable smile.
"Dai Yanzhi, your tone is getting more official. The manager contract hasn't been signed yet," I chuckled helplessly. "But I am a bit hungry. Yan Feng, how do you know Shinjuku Ni-chome? What kind of street is it?"
"I heard about it from colleagues when I was in Taipei. You'll know when you go," he looked at me with anticipation.
"Alright, since there's food, let's go. Young Master Ye, anyway, I'm definitely becoming your manager. Oh, and you two shouldn't go out together. Yan Feng just debuted. If you accidentally get photographed, there might be negative reports. Put on your hats and come out one after the other. I'll go downstairs first and have the front desk help us get a taxi. See you in the hotel shuttle area," Dai Yanzhi said with authority.
We discreetly got into separate taxis and quickly arrived at the street corner of Shinjuku Ni-chome. As soon as we stepped out of the cab, I didn't see any restaurants or bars; instead, there were neon-lit signs in various colors, displaying a mix of Chinese characters and strange symbols. Walking further into the street, I began to notice posters featuring strangely dressed men and photos of topless men boldly displayed in the windows of many unfamiliar shops. The deeper we went into Ni-chome, the more peculiar the stores became. In most cases, I could guess the type of shop based on the decoration when visiting an unfamiliar city. But for an eighteen-year-old like me, Shinjuku Ni-chome was a street that seemed to exist outside of Earth. I imagined these shops sold freedom and pure happiness that couldn't be found anywhere else in the world. People coming out of the stores radiated exaggerated joy; some were tall, some petite, some wore long dresses with red flowing hair, exuding glamour, while others wore tight leather jackets and high heels, dancing with exaggerated steps. None of them looked alike, and the only commonality was the difficulty in distinguishing between male and female.
"I heard the most famous bar here is Arty Farty. Shall we go there? Actually, this street is quite safe for us, especially for you, Yan Feng. You just debuted, and no paparazzi would venture into this subcultural district. I bet your company is still thinking of arranging some female celebrities to boost your publicity, haha, but not here," Dai Yanzhi remarked.
Yan Feng chuckled awkwardly but politely replied, "I know Arty Farty; let's go there. It's just that people here aren't very good at speaking English."
"So, about this street..." I was about to ask.
"This street is the gay district. Here, we can be ourselves. You two can hold hands or do whatever you want," Dai Yanzhi explained.
"Oh..." My face immediately turned red.
Unexpectedly, Yan Feng had already tightly held my hand. I instinctively lowered the brim of my hat, and then he wrapped his arm around my waist. In this bustling and colorful street, he pressed against me closely, and I couldn't quite tell if I was in a dream or reality. We walked along the street like this, and time seemed to pass like a century, until we reached the entrance of Arty Farty.
"We're here. The booths are nice," Dai Yanzhi said. We stepped into the bar, and Yan Feng led me inside. "三杯のジン・トニック.(Three Gin tonics)."
"You do speak Japanese?" Dai Yanzhi showed a surprised expression. "Just a little, learned it in Taipei." "Do you often go out for drinks with them in Taipei?" I suddenly became a bit cautious. "It's necessary for work. I mostly go out with people from the company," he looked at me with a proud gaze, then turned tenderly as if sensing my hint of jealousy.
The waiter placed three transparent glass cups filled with ice on our table, speaking words I couldn't understand, a sweet and gentle tone reminiscent of a Shanghainese accent, drifting along with the dim lights.
"The drinks are here. Cheers," Dai Yanzhi took a sip, "Take your time."
I picked up a glass, examining it closely. Small and densely packed droplets formed on the cup's surface, and the transparent liquid mixed with ice made a tinkling sound. It didn't look anything like alcohol. I knew that classmates from the music academy often gathered at the bars behind Sichuan University, and Dai Yanzhi frequently joined them. I didn't like it at all; I preferred practicing the piano alone until late at night because my tolerance for alcohol was low, and the feeling of a hangover was unbearable for me. I couldn't stand the bar environment either. I tried it once, the dim and damp atmosphere, the air filled with the stale smell of strangers' exhaled cigarette smoke. It was repulsive. I didn't even say hello; I turned and left. Later, because of this incident, He Tiantian always said I was a genius with low emotional intelligence.
This time, with Yan Feng by my side, it was my first time drinking at a bar. Thinking about it, I glanced at Yan Feng, carrying a hint of coquettishness in my heart. He looked at me with deep eyes, one hand resting on my shoulder. I bit the straw and took a sip.
"Gin and tonic is quite dangerous, in fact, cocktails, in general, are dangerous. You might end up drinking them like regular beverages and get drunk without realizing it," Dai Yanzhi swirled his glass.
Later on, I seemed to have spoken a lot. In my memory, I poured out everything to Dai Yanzhi, from the first time I met Yan Feng to our correspondence, the lucky ring he gave me, his visit to Beijing, and then it abruptly stopped. I blacked out. The voices of Yan Feng and Dai Yanzhi echoed near my ears, seemingly chattering for a long time until I found myself lying naked on the pristine beddings.
"Xi Xi, get some rest. I'll wake you up tomorrow," Yan Feng whispered beside my ear.
Unconsciously, I clung tightly to his neck, pecking at his jawline repeatedly. In my heart, I wished, let me stay in this beautiful dream of Tokyo forever, never to wake up.