Stranger in Berlin

Since March, every day has been non-stop. Beijing, Tokyo, Osaka, Nagoya, Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York. In New York, while I was in Japan, Yan Feng said he wanted to take me to a cocktail party. Now looking back, it was probably just a passing desire for him. It's been almost five months since I last saw him. I imagine he's doing well, with Lin Huiru. They are colleagues, one a pop queen, the other a rising star in the music industry, a very compatible pair. As I expected, the relationship between him and me was nothing more than a fleeting moment, let alone any future. It's just as well. I don't have to be trapped in our unclear relationship, nor endure the pain of missing him, nor do I need to expect him to fulfill his promises every month, coming to see me from some corner of the world, weary and dusty. Even if he were willing, I always felt that such long-distance journeys would only deplete his passion and accelerate the destruction of the love that never had a future between us. Perhaps this can't even be called love, just a murky mass of desire, a love that won't last. I'm glad that he and I can be separated again, even though my body still longs for his embrace. My heart can't recall a shred of love for him on that night in Beijing or on many nights in Japan. Maybe there was some, but it wasn't active love; it was the desire to be loved. Because I've been alone for too long, it's my lonely heart yearning for a fiery love. But I can't live forever in imaginary intimacy; I need to live in reality, or face the piano alone. Fortunately, I'm back in Chengdu now, back to familiar surroundings, cutting off my fantasies of unfamiliar environments and intimate relationships.

In August, Chengdu is filled with the fragrance of osmanthus flowers, their scent carrying a hint of creamy sweetness. Perhaps this is nature's last sweet solace before the desolate winter. There are only ten days left before I set off for Hanover. Li Li is also going to the UK. Listening to Teacher Dan, the weather in Germany and the UK is always bad; more than half of the days in a month are cloudy, there's no intense heat in the summer, and it's exceptionally cold in the winter. My mom is very worried that I'll catch a cold. I told her that I've already asked Lin Su to help me rent an apartment in Hanover in advance. It's a top-floor flat with a large fireplace, so it won't be cold. I just didn't tell her that I also asked Lin Su to rent an even bigger apartment in Berlin. Berlin is a three-and-a-half-hour drive from Hanover, so I think I can occasionally visit museums there. Dai Yanzhi heard from Lin Su that I also rented an apartment in Berlin and quietly asked me why. I couldn't think of any other reason.

In the evening, I had dinner with Teacher Dan, Teacher Chen, Li Li, He TianTian, and Dai YanZhi. We went to a familiar Sichuan restaurant, not a fancy one, located on the ground floor of a residential building near Sichuan Conservatory of Music. The restaurant didn't have spacious halls; each section was rather cramped, and the tables were closely arranged. The floor was covered with white tiles, stained with years of oil, sometimes emitting a hint of a musty smell. I didn't dislike this smell; it was like an old friend to me. We walked through the corridor in the middle of the restaurant to the backyard, where a huge gingko tree stood in the center, quite different from the one we used to climb in our childhood.

"That gingko tree is huge, just like before. Xi and I first met behind the gingko tree at the Education College," Dai YanZhi said to Teacher Dan.

"Yeah, I thought I was the only one who knew about that tree back then," I laughed.

"I know about that tree too. I used to go there often when I was a student," Teacher Dan nodded.

"Which tree are you guys talking about?" Li Li popped out from behind He TianTian.

"They're talking about a short gingko tree inside the school," He TianTian turned to Li Li, "Don't you know?"

"I don't know. I rarely played inside the school," Li Li shook his head.

"Li Li was too diligent. He hardly had time to play before," Teacher Chen adjusted his glasses.

"Teacher Chen, are you praising me? Thank you," Li Li shook Teacher Chen's hand.

"Ye Xi sometimes slacks off too. Sometimes he'd leave when it's just half an hour away from 9:30 on Friday nights," Teacher Dan pointed at me, "But Li Li never slacks off."

"But Ye Xi got first place," Li Li pouted, "Such a genius. Haha."

I scratched my head, feeling a bit uncomfortable.

"Let's go inside and sit down," I extended a hand and gestured casually towards a round table under the gingko tree.

"Okay, let's sit down," Teacher Dan nudged my back with one hand and Li Li with the other.

"I heard they're going to demolish the building of the Education College," Teacher Chen glanced at the huge gingko tree, "I wonder what will happen to that small gingko tree of yours."

"It should be relocated. Even though the courtyard will be gone, the tree will be protected," Teacher Dan picked up the menu and began to study it carefully.

"Yes, there are regulations now regarding school development. That tree is protected and won't be cut down," Dai YanZhi took disposable chopsticks out of a plastic bag.

"Now YanZhi is becoming more and more familiar with various regulations," Li Li put his hands on his knees and turned to look at Dai YanZhi.

"Haha, him. He hasn't been practicing the piano properly. He's studying accounting, economics, and economic law every day. Basically, he's Ye Xi's full-time manager now," He TianTian shook her head, and her long hair brushed against my face.

"Watch it," I smoothed her hair back, a strong fragrance hitting me. I stared at her for a moment, my gaze probably about a meter away from her. The last time I was this close to her was under that banyan tree.

She suddenly blushed, which was the first time I'd seen her like this. I had never seen her act coy before; He TianTian had always been straightforward with me. She always carried herself with a proud demeanor on campus, and aside from occasionally asking me to guide her in playing the piano, I didn't know much about her whereabouts. During high school, she sometimes showed up at classmates' gatherings, occasionally turned up to music theory class the next day smelling of alcohol, and would sometimes boss Dai YanZhi around during breaks or drag me out of the piano room to accompany her for a smoke at the end of the corridor. I tolerated her temper; I knew we would eventually part ways. I would always just smile and watch her silently. While smoking, she would complain about Teacher Chen scolding her, how Teacher Chen treated certain classmates better because of their military background. Sometimes she would finish her complaints by saying, "It's useless telling you; you geniuses wouldn't understand the plight of those of us who aren't valued." So, she always dragged me along to the cafeteria for lunch. I guess being her friend was probably the thing she was most proud of in school.

But later, I understood that I had misunderstood. 

As I thought about these past events, perhaps I had been living in misconceptions about them all along. And so, I looked at her, silently reminiscing until the waiter brought the first dish to the table.

"Eat up, dummy," she said to me, tossing her head again.

"Haha, he's always like this, who knows what's going on in his head," Li Li said, tapping her gently with his chopsticks.

"Clearly something different from what's going on in mine," He TianTian muttered as she picked up a mouthful of shredded pork in fish sauce.

"Ye Xi, you really should think more now. Both Teacher Dan and I are worried about you. Work matters are coming up now too. Your relationship between study and performance, piano practice and music theory, your time management, how to better handle the practice and understanding of new and old pieces. You should make plans for everything in advance," Teacher Dan said as he shook his bowl back and forth.

"Teacher Dan, you can rest assured. Ye Xi has Lin Su now, and he's amazing. Not only is he clear about financial matters, but you and Teacher Chen must also know about his ability in music. He arranges everything perfectly for Ye Xi," Dai YanZhi said as he chewed his food, a grain of rice sticking to the corner of his mouth.

"We all know that, and we also know that Mr. Valdiel (Ye Xi's future teacher) will be able to help Ye Xi progress even further on her career path," Teacher Chen said, waving her chopsticks in the air.

"Yes, but Ye Xi himself is the most important. I always worry about him," Teacher Dan said before swallowing a mouthful of rice.

"Teacher Dan, don't be so biased," Li Li scolded him.

"Li Li, you know me well. I know you're joking. I understand all of your personalities the best. You're older than Ye Xi, and you've always been openly competing with him while secretly looking out for him. You want me to let go of him sooner so that he can take on responsibility sooner," Teacher Dan said, burying his head and picking up a piece of tofu, "All of you, you need to take care of yourselves. The bond you've formed growing up together at this age isn't easily replaceable."

After he said this, we all fell silent, each of us picking at our food with our chopsticks, as if something had frozen in the air.

After dinner, we bid farewell to Teacher Chen and Teacher Dan. Teacher Dan hugged me, only the second time he had hugged me since Chopin piano competition. Originally, a few of us classmates had planned to have a drink at the small tavern near the school gate. As we walked through the courtyard behind the concert hall, we unconsciously found ourselves under that gingko tree. We bought four bottles of Tsingtao beer from the convenience store and stood around the tree. The tree hadn't grown as fast as we had, and now it couldn't bear the weight of the four of us climbing it. So, we stood obediently by the flowerbed, looking at the gingko tree with its still green leaves. In two months, its leaves would turn golden, welcoming its most beautiful season, before shedding its beauty of the year and becoming bare and dry.

That night, we stood or sat by the edge of the flowerbed, occasionally clinking our beer bottles together. After finishing one bottle, Dai YanZhi would go back to the convenience store to buy another, making more than a dozen trips back and forth. We kept at it until we couldn't hear anything else, until our voices grew louder, and a neighbor from the next dormitory came out cursing. That's when we lost interest and left.

I don't think I'll drink with Li Li and He TianTian like that again in the future. As for Dai YanZhi, he's become more of a colleague than a classmate to me now. I'm always moving on, from spring in Fortworth to spring in Tokyo, each time witnessing the same falling petals. From autumn in Chengdu to autumn in Berlin, it's always the same flurry of falling leaves.

Berlin is very different from what I imagined. Walking through different neighborhoods, I often feel like I'm traversing different time periods. Some buildings in Berlin resemble those of the music academy, like the neatly arranged apartment blocks, and some courtyards are enclosed, reminiscent of Soviet-style architecture. I suppose this is evidence of East Germany's history. Walking from the apartment buildings toward the Berlin Wall, I see many examples of modernist architecture, some in the Bauhaus style, with exposed concrete and vast expanses of glass, giving the cityscape an almost surreal appearance. Sometimes, I come across buildings from the Art Nouveau period, elegant and beautiful. Around a corner, a Gothic-style church stands abruptly at a street intersection, appearing quite out of place. Berlin is like this; it's a mosaic of different eras and ideologies. These puzzle pieces are always being collected by me during my casual strolls. Every day, I'm piecing together the image of this unfamiliar city, and I never tire of it.

As night falls, the sound of a bass drum emanates from the base of a Soviet-style residential building, its low-frequency vibrations captivating, causing my heart to beat in sync with the drumbeat, impossible to ignore. The neon lights from underground establishments sometimes remind me of that night in Ginza 2-chome. They're not the same, but they stir up memories within me nonetheless.

I stared blankly at the face of a woman under the neon lights, feeling a sense of familiarity. I had only seen her face in Beijing. The first time I saw her, I couldn't think of any other words to describe her aura besides "noble and distinguished." Her eyes slanted upwards, with thin double eyelids following the graceful curve of her eyeliner, exuding a chilly and aloof demeanor. Her blunt bangs, slightly above her eyebrows, accentuated the brightness of her forehead. She meticulously shaped her eyebrows, making them fine but not faint. Her lips were brick-red, and a smile from her swept away the chilliness. When she was alone, it seemed like there was only her in the world; when she locked eyes with someone, she became the closest person to them.

"Ye Xi!" She spotted me.

"Wang Zhen! Is it really you?" I waved to her.

"Are you starting school?" She walked over to me. "Yes, I'll be heading to Hanover in a week," I replied, patting my gloves. "What brings you to Berlin?" "I'm studying in the UK. There are some great exhibitions in Berlin these days, so I decided to come take a look. My dad mentioned you'll be in Germany in September, didn't expect to run into you so soon. Congratulations! Last time we had dinner in Beijing, it was too rushed. Now that we're both in Berlin, how about going for some French cuisine tomorrow?" She smiled, and her double eyelids disappeared, revealing a hint of cunning that wasn't entirely unpleasant. "I actually prefer Chinese food," I chuckled awkwardly. "There aren't many good Chinese restaurants in Berlin. It's a bit of a headache," she replied, tucking both hands into her checkered scarf, a strand of hair getting caught in the knot. "No problem, French cuisine works too," I said, eyeing the stray strand of hair, tempted to help her smooth it out.

Wang Zhuo (previous character) was very considerate towards me. Meeting his daughter in a foreign land, it would be rather impolite not to invite her for a meal. Besides, at this moment, Wang Zhen was the only "acquaintance" I had in Berlin. The lively energy dancing on her cheeks, covered in orange-pink blush, reminded me of a line from a movie: "Every time I reach the mountaintop, I yearn to climb even higher mountains, to conquer even higher peaks. Every time I arrive in a city, I long for even bigger cities. And now is no exception."