Chapter 23: Disgrace

Twelfth Moon, 90 AC

The Disgrace

She watched her older sister leave, saw the tears in her eyes that she struggled to hold back. And despite herself, Saera felt the shreds of guilt, the slightest sliver of shame. How many times had she made Daella cry?

It had started out small. As a child, Saera had pranked as many of her siblings as she had dared. All had either been amused or angered by it. It was just the usual rowdy behavior between siblings. In a way, Saera had felt it make her closer to them, especially her much older eldest siblings, all of whom were distant from her for the most part.

Yet, the first time she had ever pranked Daella, had been different. Saera couldn't even remember what her first prank on her was anymore, it had been that long ago, and she had been so young. It had been something insignificant, and yet her mother had reacted with such fury. How dare Saera prank precious Daella? How dare she make her cry?

It's not like she'd known she would cry anyway. Saera had always known Daella was weak and pathetic, but the extent of it had shocked her. And then it had angered her. Why did this weak pathetic little crybaby get so much attention from her parents? This dull dumb excuse for a princess who couldn't even read, couldn't even stand up for herself, deserve all the protection and sheltering?

It had made her resentful. She had started pranking Daella more and more, each one more vicious than before. At the start she had told herself she was doing this for Daella's own good. The little crybaby needed to toughen up and harden herself. The world wouldn't cave to her whims and protect her like their parents did. Her big sister needed to be strong to protect herself, and if she refused to learn, then Saera was going to teach her the hard way!

Eventually she stopped lying to herself. It wasn't for Daella anymore. It was for herself. Anything to distract herself from the crippling feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness she had buried deep in her heart. Daella was just the perfect target for her to vent her frustrations on.

And she was clever about it too, she always did in a way that could downplay her involvement or the actual severity of the prank. Sometimes she even managed to lie her way out of trouble entirely. Aemon and Baelon, always so distant, had been amused by her pranks, never truly realizing the true nature or extent of them.

Her mother hadn't been so easily fooled. She had caught her lies most often of all, and when she didn't, Alyssa would instead. She remembered with a slight shudder of just how terrifying Alyssa could be when she wanted to be. Alyssa's retribution to her after she had pranked Daella one time too many still haunted Saera. She had taken every prank she had ever done to Daella and returned them with interest.

Saera had confronted her about it, and she had laughed in her face. "My dear little Saera. Do you think anyone is going to believe you over me?" Alyssa's expression had been taunting, her eyes vindictive, and her smirk viciously smug.

Before she had left King's Landing, Maegelle, had been much the same as Alyssa. She had barely ever done anything to her, but Daella had clung to her then, so of course she had taken her side. Maegelle's eyes had always been full of righteous anger, and something akin to their mother's disappointment. Saera had hated it.

For a time Saera had thought she would make common cause with Vaegon, united in their dislike of Daella at least. But that had not led to anything either. Vaegon treated her with as much disdain as he did Daella, and it seemed for all his insults to Daella, he greatly disapproved of Saera's actions as a whole.

Saera had pranked Vaegon several times for that rejection. It had been very fun to make the dumb bore rage. In time however, it had grown stale, and Vaegon had eventually left King's Landing anyway when she was barely one and ten.

And then there was Viserra. Oh Viserra, Saera didn't even know what to think of her anymore. She hadn't even been invited to her wedding. She hadn't expected to be, given her banishment from court, but it had still stung. A confusing chaos of emotion warred in her head. Bitter jealousy and admiration clashed.

Jealousy. Saera had always envied Viserra, even when they had been young girls. She had been more beautiful than her even then, and Saera had resented that. Yet another sibling that drew attention away from her. And now that jealousy was tenfold. Viserra had everything Saera had once dreamed of.

She had a gorgeous husband, a man of the like any maiden would swoon over. The legendary Corlys Velaryon and his seat, the richest and most splendid in Westeros, with wealth that could give even the Lannisters pause. It consoled Saera only a little, that that splendor and wealth might soon be diminished due to her family's actions against Viserra, because she would always have her dragon.

Once long ago, so long ago that even Viserra had likely forgotten, she and Saera had been… close. Of a sort. Gael had not been born at the time, and their younger brothers Gaemon and Valerion had died in the cradle. Viserra and her had been the youngest children of the King and Queen, only two years apart and so very alike. They used to play together as children and they had always been by each other's side.

It was then long ago, that Saera had asked their parents when Viserra and her would get their dragons. Their mother had looked to their father, and he had not truly answered. 'We will see,' he had said. It had taken years before Saera had realized the truth. Would that Gaemon and Valerion had lived, perhaps things might have been different. Without them, Viserra and her were never destined to have dragons.

As the years passed, Viserra and her had grown apart, into distance, and eventually even dislike. Viserra was vain, sly, arrogant, manipulative, and deceitful. It was like looking in a mirror for Saera. Deep down she knew it was everything that she hated about herself embodied in a sister all too similar to her, and she had hated it and hated her for it. Viserra had no doubt felt the same. It was little wonder they had grown apart. Their similarities had pushed them away from each other instead of bringing them together from then on. They had each formed their own group of friends of which they were the center, neither willing to compete for attention with a sibling yet again.

And yet despite all her jealousy, anger, and hatred, a part of Saera admired Viserra for doing what she could not. She had seized control of her own destiny from their family, claimed her own dragon. Viserra, had gotten the life she had wanted, and lived out their childhood dreams, and for that Saera admired her and envied her.

She remembered feeling morbidly amused at what she had thought to be Viserra's self-destruction with her stunt in Tyrosh. Yet she could sympathize with her still nonetheless. What their family was doing to Viserra now felt so familiar. But regardless of how she felt about any of that, it didn't matter. Saera would do what was best for Maidenpool. That was all she had left.

Even now she still felt so lonely. Surrounded by her mother and sisters, and yet always the outsider. She could feel their anger, see their glares and the disappointment in their eyes, their disapproval of her. If they hadn't already, Rhaenys and Gael were now learning to hate her too.

And to think she had considered apologizing to Daella. After all these years, she had finally understood why her mother had given so much love and care to Daella. Once she had had children of her own, understood the depths of her love for them, she had finally understood why Daella had been so dear to her mother. Just the idea of one of her children being sick or weak in some way made Saera want to coddle and protect them. And Daella's problems had been well known to them all.

She had come to King's Landing angry and bitter at everyone, but when she had seen Daella, some part of her had felt guilt and wished to apologize. The part of her that felt proud of Daella, the remnants of the long lost little sister who had wanted her dear elder sister to be strong.

She had just been so angry. Her pride could accept apologizing to the Daella she remembered from years ago, not this Daella, this proud strong woman, who mocked Saera and shrugged off her insults. Seeing her like that, seeing her mother and Alyssa still fawn all over her, and Saera had felt a jealous rage she could not control and lashed out. Now even that small chance was gone. Daella would never accept an apology from her, especially not after their recent exchange.

There was no use feeling useless regret anymore. Saera got up from the table, saw those judging looks. She didn't need to take this any longer. She excused herself, and left the room. They did not call for her and plead for her to stay like they did Daella. How typical of them. Saera had expected no less, but it still stung.

Her husband found her on her way back to her quarters. Despite herself, Saera smiled. She could not say she loved Jonah, but she was fond of him nonetheless. He was not the cleverest of men, but he was decent, and loyal to her. His devotion to her and his weaker will than hers had allowed her to rule him and Maidenpool both. She wondered at times if she would have been happy with either Braxton or Roy as well, but it didn't matter anymore. She had made her choice.

"Jonah, what a pleasant surprise. Well what is it?" she demanded.

"Saera…" Jonah was hesitant. "The King has summoned us both to his solar to meet with him. I was on my way to get you."

"Has he now?" she asked, her voice having gone cold. "Well then, we mustn't keep our king waiting."

It was a long walk to her father's solar. The Red Keep was huge, larger than the keep in Maidenpool was by a great margin. As they walked, Saera could not stop her thoughts from drifting.

Her mother had always been so disappointed in her, so difficult to please, so difficult to fool. All of her sisters had grown to dislike her over the years. She cared not a whit for Vaegon and Aemon and Baelon had been kind but distant. The one member of her family that Saera had been truly close to had been her father.

Saera had barely had her parents' attention as a child. She eventually learned that the easiest way to get their attention, was to perform some act of mischief, some wild prank or brazen feat. Her mother had struggled to control her as a child, but her father, busy with the governance of the realm hadn't cared to. He had only loved and indulged her. She would get her mother's reprimands and punishments that ultimately had done nothing, but what she had really wanted was her father's amusement and his soft whispered words to be better.

Saera had lived for those words. Every now and then, her father would put time aside to spend with her, alone of all his daughters, and soon she had learned how to get anything she wanted from him. All she had to do was act out in one way or another, some stupid prank, and she'd get her father's attention again. And once she had it, she just had to act innocent, play up her love for him with sweet words and tender embraces.

She was more than self-aware enough to know she was describing a spoilt little brat. Yet that spoilt little girl had still loved her father beneath it all, and thought he'd be the one person to always be on her side. That little girl had been wrong. Brutally wrong.

The rage was overpowering, the feeling of betrayal and humiliation gushing like a river as she remembered that day. And beneath it still was the grief. She had lost the rest of her family long before that day in truth, but it was only then that she had suffered the greatest blow of all and realized she'd never mattered at all, even to the one she had loved most.

She knew she had been summoned to King's Landing for a reason. Summoned back from exile after eight long years. She had even guessed at her father's true purpose, dared to confront him about it before the entire family. But she had thought she would have more time.

Time to familiarize herself with King's Landing and the court again. Time to adjust to her family's hatred of her and harden her skin again. She hadn't been prepared for this, to meet her father again in private, barely a day after she had returned to the city and called him out in front of the entire family.

As they reached the solar, the Kingsguard stared at them before knocking on the door. Her father's voice answered with a command through the wood of the door. "Send them in."

The door opened, and Saera took a deep breath, intent on reining in control of her feelings. She swore to herself, she'd remain calm and collected no matter what, no matter what nonsense he spewed or any threats he used.

"Saera, Lord Jonah. Welcome! Please have a seat!" the King said with a charming smile and a friendly tone of voice.

What in the actual fuck? Saera was completely stunned. Why was he being so polite to them? She literally challenged his authority and insulted him to his face in front of the entire family last night! What? Was this a trick? Some kind of façade meant to make them lower their guard?

"Saera!" Jonah whispered a shout to her as he sat down, Saera recovered from her shock and made to claim her seat. She shook her head, whatever this strange approach of her father's was, she'd make sure she resisted it. She'd be sure to come out on top.

"I am sure both of you are aware of recent… laws and policies that have resulted in a decrease in trade in the Bay of Crabs region," her father said.

Yeah, like you destroying the trade of House Celtigar and House Grafton,' she thought to herself.

"In light of this, and with the increase in demand for certain Essosi and other goods that were previously imported into the realm, I have considered the possibility of Maidenpool being a worthy replacement for other ports that are… not as able to adapt to the new policies."

That was pretty much along the lines of what Saera was expecting. Her father had fucked up with his overly heavy handed actions crushing the trade of the Velaryons and their allies. It had had dire consequences and now he was desperately trying to solve it by reaching out to other houses and other ports to replace the loss.

Saera didn't particularly feel too great about joining her father and helping him oppress Viserra. Logically she'd be more inclined to support Viserra out of spite if nothing else, but Saera had her own children and house to think about as well. She had to be pragmatic. She'd see what her father offered.

Besides, if she was clever about it, nothing stopped her from trading with the Velaryons under the table, exploiting their desperation to leverage a good deal while still supporting them against her father and sticking it to him, if in secret. All the while they'd still be receiving the Crown's generous support and patronage. Maidenpool would thrive.

The King unrolled a scroll of paper then, the more expensive bone-white paper, not some cheap brown paper or parchment. He placed it on the table. Saera snatched the paper up before Jonah could, and read through it, devouring every word.

She dropped it on the table, her mind trying to process the shock. Jonah took the paper and started reading it as soon as she did. It was a charter, the likes of which would make Maidenpool not only a city, but grant it so many rights and privileges as to become the dominant port of the Bay of Crabs region. Saltpans, Darry, and Harroway wouldn't even stand a chance, and they'd be more than capable of providing an alternative to the ailing Graftons and Celtigars.

On its own that would be more than they could have even hoped for and Saera wouldn't hesitate to accept, but the way in which it was to be given was infuriating to no end.

"Payment of dowry?" Jonah was confused and also hopeful as he read the provisions of the offered charter.

"Yes. Six years late I believe. A shortcoming of mine, please forgive me for that. I'm ever so forgetful at times," he said with a charming smile that hid his devilish intentions. He was taunting her!

"We don't need it," she spat out.

Jonah was stunned. "Saera, what are you talking about? This charter is everything we could dream of! Think of our sons, how much this could benefit them!"

Saera felt herself growing disgusted by Jonah's foolishness. The first rule of any negotiating, was to never show the enemy just how much you wanted something, even if they already knew it.

"I said we don't need it Jonah!" Saera all but shouted at her husband before she turned her attention on the King. "Maidenpool has done well enough without a city charter for years. I increased its incomes tenfold by myself! All I had was my wit and my cleverness to use what I had. I did not need a hand out from the Royal House to make my job easier. If you wanted to bribe us to join your little war on the Velaryons, framing it as a late dowry was the worst possible thing you could have done!"

Her father's charming smile had upturned into a smug smirk now. Saera knew all too well where she had gotten that from, and she hated the reminder.

"Saera, if the King is offering us a charter, late dowry or no, we should accept it!" Jonah pleaded with her.

"The dowry was forfeited! It's not late, it's not forgotten. It never existed to begin with! We were thrown out of King's Landing and abandoned, all but exiled! Have you forgotten that Your Grace?" she directed the last question to her smug father, sitting in his seat.

Her fool of a husband was moaning in horror now. "Oh please forgive my wife Your Grace. She can be overly emotional at times. You know how women can be."

Jonah was likely terrified of her father burning Maidenpool for the insult, Saera understood that. It didn't make him any less pathetic in her mind.

"I understand Lord Mooton. I too have a wife. It's something all men must simply learn to adapt to. Fret not! I shan't hold your wife's words against you, nor can she stop you from signing and accepting the charter. You are Lord of Maidenpool, not her," her father said, friendly and welcoming. How fake. What a snake.

"Thank you Your Grace," the relief in Jonah's voice was palpable.

"Don't thank me yet, I have more to offer your house Lord Mooton!" If it was even possible, her father's smile grew even wider. "There are two islands left in the Stepstones that will be in need of lords," he said, as he unrolled a map of the Stepstones and placed it on the desk.

Jonah's eyes grew wide and almost excited. Saera scoffed.

"In particular, I can think of no one more suited to rule Grey Gallows, in the center of the archipelago," he said pointing the island out on the map, "than mine own grandson. Your second son Maegon."

"He's two years old." Saera was unimpressed.

"He will grow up in time. I cannot think of anyone worthier to control the central island of the Stepstones than my own flesh and blood. Of course, the resources of House Mooton of Maidenpool will be needed to help clear out the island of its pirates, build a new keep, and administrate it, until Maegon comes of age. I'm sure there will be some long term advantages for Maidenpool from that as well however."

So that's what he was after. And Jonah, the fool, was quite ready to foolishly sign and get their house directly entangled in the mess that was the Stepstones, without even thinking about it.

"Get out Jonah," she ordered.

"What?" he was outraged, but her fury was greater than his.

"I said, get out! This is now a conversation between a daughter and her father, come between it at your peril."

Jonah looked to her father instead of her, and Saera grew enraged by that. She'd make him pay for that once they had returned to Maidenpool. At her father's nod, Jonah bowed and took his leave.

"I'll be waiting outside Your Grace. Just call me back in when it's time to sign," he said, partly directing his last words to her. Saera knew what he meant. Jonah was putting his foot down as lord for once and declaring that they will accept this.

She scoffed, before she turned back to her father. "What is this?" she demanded, slipping into their native Valyrian. "What game are you playing here offering us so much? What kind of sick perverse pleasure are you taking in offering any of this as a dowry after what you did to me?"

Her father sighed. "Saera, why do you wound me so? Is it so wrong for a father to want to give a gift to his daughter whom he loves?"

"How dare you? Where was your gift when you humiliated me in front of the entire court? Where was your love when you threatened to send me to the Silent Sisters? When you threw me out of King's Landing and abandoned me? Banished from court! Not a single letter for six years. Exiled to a backwater town that resented me for the scandal and humiliation I had brought upon them. I clawed my way up to where I am now, fought for everything I have now, and you think you can come back into my life, butter me up with all of these gifts and all will be forgiven? I loved you, and you betrayed me!"

Her father roared then, like the dragon he was. "What about you then Saera!? Where was this love for me when you whored yourself out to three men, none of whom were your betrothed? You and I both know for all your claims otherwise that you laid with all three of those curs. Where was this love for me when you dared to proclaim to my face that you could take all three as your husbands like Maegor the Cruel? The man who slaughtered my brothers? Where was this affection, when you humiliated me in front of the whole realm with your misbehavior?"

His words gave her pause. It was the first time Saera had ever considered it that way. Like it had earlier with Daella, a torrent of guilt began to rise and she struggled to crush it until her father continued.

"I gave you so much, and that was how you repaid me? You were an ingrate. I should have sent you to the Silent Sisters from the start. I showed you mercy."

Saera was not about to take that lying down. "Mercy? You call that mercy? You're the one who indulged my every whim, spoilt me until I didn't even know any better! You were the only thing I had left after I had ruined everything else like the idiot I was, and then you abandoned me! Cast me away from you!"

She was grasping at straws now and she knew it. Her father would never accept that argument and he was right not to. Saera was responsible for her own actions. To her shock though…

"I know," her father said, defeated and tired. "And I'm sorry Saera. I failed you. I remained willfully blind to all your flaws, spoiled you rotten until you became an arrogant brat. I create an idealized image of you that I loved, and I treated you too harshly when you didn't live up to it. You were a child, you didn't know any better. I did, and I let you continue the way you were. I should have known better. I should have been better."

Saera couldn't believe it. The man she had idolized as a child, the man who had thrown her out of her home in a fit of rage, the proud and indomitable Jaehaerys apologizing to her and saying he had failed her? It was all she had fantasized of in her most spiteful dreams ever since she had been disgraced, and now that it had finally happened it felt… wrong. Only earlier that day, Saera had made Daella cry again, like she always had when they were children. Her father had no responsibility in that. Saera and Saera alone had done that.

"No Kepa. I failed you. And I'm sorry. I realize that now. I treated Daella and the others horribly," she was choking back her tears. She refused to cry in front of her father.

Before she knew it, her father had walked up to her and was wiping away the tears she had willed not to fall from her eyes. "Must we continue to fight my child? We have both done wrong, to each other, and to others. Must we continue to hate and resent each other? Can you not forgive me, and be my sweet little Saera again, if only for a little while?"

She had hated her father for years, as much as she had loved him before that. Yet it was tempting, so very tempting to just accept his offer. But she knew Jaehaerys Targaryen, knew the measure of the King he was. She wouldn't put it past him to be manipulating her, as she had once manipulated him.

"You're just saying that…" she choked out. "To make me loyal to you again, and eagerly support you as you crush the Velaryons."

"You're not wrong," he admitted. How very honest of him. Saera was about to reject his apology before he continued. "But you don't know everything either. I've questioned my decision for years. Your mother has spent the last six years trying to convince me to reverse it."

What? Her mother had done that?

"Yes your mother," her father said, reading the confusion on her face. "You're right she's extremely disappointed in you, she told me no less. But unlike me she always knew who you really were, what you were really like, and she loved you nonetheless. And despite her disappointment she is proud, so very proud of what you have accomplished, what you have built for yourself in Maidenpool. Your mother still loves you Saera… as do I, no matter how much I wanted to deny it. It took me a long time to finally admit it to myself, and I will not lie this new feud with your sister and the Velaryons helped me realize it, but I… I missed you Saera."

Saera looked up into her father's beautiful purple eyes, the exact same shade and shape that she had inherited from him. The slightest tears were falling from them now. She knew he'd deny it to his dying breath if she claimed to see the King crying, but here and now, this wasn't the King. It was only her father.

"I missed my daughter, my little girl who sat on my lap as I worked in this very solar. The girl who would beg me for toys and sweets and favors so adorably. The little girl who told me of her dreams and hopes. But does she miss me as well? Does she also want me back?"

"I missed you also Father," Saera said, her voice breaking as she embraced her father. She couldn't stop the tears anymore and let them flow as she sobbed into her father's shirt.

They could never go back to the way they were. Too much had happened, and Saera was certainly never going to blindly follow her father ever again. Even with this fragile reconciliation, Saera would not, could not stop her plans. Everything she did now was for Maidenpool and her sons, only them and no one else. There were so many things she needed to worry about. How should she proceed from here? How she should handle the Velaryons and the Iron Throne for the best possible outcome for House Mooton? So much to consider, so much to fret over.

But for a single brief moment, Saera let herself rest. She put aside all her thoughts and worriers. They weren't important right now. In this one moment, she had her father back. It was like a dream, and dreams end.