Conflicting Feelings

After the emotional conversation with Scarface, Alex was unceremoniously kicked out of Joy Land and onto the district's sandy streets. Junior, tired of a mushy boss, wanted to return to fighting and causing chaos.

But Alex now saw the true faces of the Psychos. These violent maniacs weren't just mindlessly inflicting pain on others—they were coping with their mutated selves, grappling with their own suffering, and living the only way they knew how.

As he walked back on the main paths leading back to Empathy, Alex pondered his reasons for seeking his memories. The conversation with Scarface had been more than a glimpse into the past; it had reflected his potential future. Deep down, Alex knew he longed for his memories, even if finding them would only bring misery.

The truth of his concerns went deeper. Alex initially felt a need to be someone worth caring about. Losing his past felt like losing his right to be his true self. He needed his identity back.

But one question had always weighed on his mind: Which version of him would Lydia prefer? The current him, or the person he used to be? If regaining his memories changed his personality or identity, would Lydia still care for him? Would he still be part of that warm family?

Alex had endured enough betrayals, especially after being shot by James. Regardless of their reasons, they had tried to kill him. Only by some unknown miracle had Alex survived. He wanted revenge—on the commander who ordered his execution, the scientist who likely influenced that decision, the soldiers who thought themselves heroes for killing unarmed men, and most of all, on Sarah and James.

But what would all that accomplish? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Even if Alex managed to strike them all down right now, it would bring him no satisfaction. Instead, he would likely regret the act of killing. He would lose far more than he would gain. Lydia would probably despise him for becoming a killer, Jeb and Linda would certainly disapprove and kick him out of the family, and the rest of the district would likely ostracise him.

Alex's thoughts swirled as he walked. Why did he want his memories back so desperately? What was it about the past that called to him so intensely? He couldn't shake the feeling that without his memories, he was incomplete. It was as if a piece of his very soul was missing, leaving a hollow void within him. The past held the key to his identity, the person he was before the world fell apart. Without it, he felt like a shadow of his former self, an echo without a voice.

Yet, Scarface's words resonated with him. The past was a double-edged sword. It could provide answers, but it could also bring pain. What if regaining his memories revealed truths he wasn't prepared to handle? What if the person he once was no longer aligned with the person he had become? The idea of finding out that he had been someone completely different, someone who might not fit into the life he had now, was terrifying.

In fact, Alex hadn't forgotten the first few words that Sarah and James had said to him when he encountered them at the lab.

"Ha…hahaha… You…you've truly become an incorrigible monster, haven't you?"

"You say my name one more time, and I'll make sure your death will be a million times more excruciating than the things you did to me."

What was he like before? What did he do? Was he truly…a monster…that's deserving of death?

Alex thought about Lydia again. He had come to care for her as he was now. What if his memories changed him so profoundly that she became a stranger to him? Would he still love her, or would he even see her as a person?

The thought of losing her love was a heavy weight on his heart, but the thought of possibly hurting her was even heavier. He cherished the warmth and connection they shared. Was it worth jeopardising that for the sake of a past that might bring more sorrow than clarity, more harm than good?

Then there were Jeb and Linda. They had taken him in, given him a place to belong. Would they look at him differently if they knew his past? What if he had done things he couldn't forgive himself for, things that would make them turn away from him? The fear of losing their acceptance gnawed at him.

Alex's steps slowed as he wrestled with these thoughts. On one hand, the desire to reclaim his past was an undeniable pull—a quest for completeness and understanding. On the other hand, the potential consequences loomed large, casting shadows on the path ahead. He could lose everything he had fortunately been given in this new life—the connections, the acceptance, the love…the family. He couldn't bring himself to take it for granted.

Alex paused, looking back at the dusty streets of the road that led back to Joy Land. The echoes of his conversation with Scarface lingered in his mind. Maybe there was wisdom in letting go, in accepting the present and moving forward without the burden of the past.

"What are you looking at?" asked a voice.

"Oh, it's nothing. Just…you know. Something about Scarface's words really...made sense. I just…don't know what to do now," Alex answered absentmindedly.

"Hmm…maybe I can help," the voice replied.

"Hmm?" Alex finally realised someone was talking to him. He turned around to find Aoi, the leader of the Shifters, standing in unexpectedly close proximity to him.

"Aoi!" Alex exclaimed, taking a step back. "I-I didn't hear you coming."

Aoi chuckled softly. "I've been told I'm quite stealthy. What's troubling you, Alex?"

Alex hesitated, then sighed. "It's about my missing memories. Scarface... made me see that chasing my past might not bring the closure I think it will. But at the same time, I feel like I need those memories to understand who I am. I'm afraid of losing myself and the people I care about if I find out things I'm not ready for."

Aoi nodded thoughtfully. "Well, I didn't expect Scarface to be so... wise. But I understand what he meant. The past can be a heavy burden, and sometimes, the search for it can cloud the present. But you're not alone in this struggle, Alex. Many of us here in the district have faced similar situations."

Alex looked at her curiously. "You mean the Shifters? And by the way, how did you know…"

"Yes," Aoi replied, a hint of amusement in her voice. "And I merely heard some gossip and details about your talk with Elder Wendigo. News travels fast around the district, you see. I most certainly wasn't stalking you."

Alex didn't entirely believe her, but he didn't think it was too much of a problem either, even if it was true. Aoi had been rather aggressive in recruiting him into the Shifters, and she was visibly upset when Lydia made her declaration. Even as her people dragged her away, she was still attempting to bring him back to the Shifters.

Walking a few steps away, Aoi smiled at Alex. "We've all had to come to terms with our pasts in one way or another."

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, intrigued by her words.

"As you might know, many of us Shifters are direct descendants of the rebels, and we've faced severe discrimination from the city, even up until today. Our pasts, even though most of us never experienced the worst of it, still affect us. But the fact that we are alive today is all that matters. We can still enjoy the present."

"It's never an easy journey, but it's certainly one we don't have to walk alone. Why don't you come with me right now? You can talk to some of the other Shifters and see how they've managed to live their lives to the fullest despite their pasts."

Alex considered her offer. "Do you really think that would help?"

Aoi smiled warmly. "I do. Sometimes, hearing other people's stories and experiences can give us the perspective we need. It can show us that we're not as alone as we think and that there are different ways to find peace and purpose. Like how you sought out Scarface's story. It might have been a different result, but I'm sure you can find a definite answer eventually."

Alex nodded. "Alright. I'll come with you. Maybe talking to others will help me figure out what to do next."

"Great," Aoi said, gesturing for him to follow her. "Let's head to our Castle. I'm sure you'll find it interesting."

As Alex followed Aoi through the district, he felt a small glimmer of hope. Perhaps the answers he sought weren't just in his memories but also in the connections he made along the way. The journey ahead was uncertain, but at least he wouldn't have to face it alone.

Still, Alex couldn't shake the thought—was Aoi joking about stalking him, or was she serious? He stared at the humming lady in front of him, increasingly worried but equally curious about her.