Contradicting Identities (1/6) || Reyin

An anguished wail broke my slumber, and I jolted upright on the bed despite the harsh tug of my stitches. The candle on the nightstand to my right blew out from the movement, creating a stale-smelling smoke that braided cords of grey beneath my nose. I needed to blink a few times in the still room, but the excessive moonlight filtering through the windows meant my gaze hadn't needed to adjust to the dark. 

A shout penetrated the air like a cold blade. I flinched from the rawness of it, from the feeling of despair that clawed through me at the misery of it. It had come from beneath the foot of the bed. My heart pounded erratically as I tentatively slipped off the bed and walked around it. 

A storm of worry clouded my gaze almost instantly. Hael trembled and writhed in his sleep, the thin blanket having been pushed off him in the process, and I could see the beads of sweat coating his face and bare arms. He shouted again, and it played unintelligible and miserable notes while his body jerked from the noise. This time, I was prepared. 

I dropped to my knees beside his twisting body, my hand coming to his damp arm to shake him gently. 

"Hael," I called in a voice so soft it surprised me.

Hael shuddered, and a distressed moan stumbled through his lips. The sound of his misery sent arrows of pain to terrorize me. My free hand flew to my heart and gripped the fabric above it desperately. I should not have felt sorry for him. Should not have desired to soothe him. So why was my body responding this way?! It frustrated me that despite how I should have felt, I couldn't disregard my good nature and leave Hael to suffer through whatever nightmare gripped him. He was a murderer, arsonist, and my captor, and should God have decided to give him Hell on Earth before taking his life, I was entirely for the punishment. 

At least I was convincing myself of so. 

However, something tightened in me, threatening to strangle me from within at the mere thought of abandoning Hael on the floor to suffer alone. Maybe I wouldn't comfort him. He didn't deserve that much. But I would at least wake him. That would be the right thing to do. 

Hael shuddered and twisted in a way that almost had his body rolling onto my lap. His skin was no longer damp when I brought my other hand to his arm but entirely slick with sweat. I leaned over his body and shook him lightly.

"Ha—" He caught my wrist, and my heart plummeted when he began to twist the appendage roughly.

An agonized shout escaped me when Hael tackled me and pinned me to the hard floor. My head slammed against it with a severity that left my ears ringing. Hael then straddled my wounded stomach with his weight, and a ruthless moan pushed through my lips. His eyes were still pinched shut when his hands slipped around my throat and squeezed tight enough that white dotted my vision. 

I clawed at his forearms, my airways attempting to expand just enough to take in a much-needed breath. But it was futile. Hael's grip was too powerful. Too…angry.

"I will kill you if you touch him," he growled, baring his teeth at me. His eyes were still closed.

He wasn't conscious of his actions. 

He did not know it was me beneath him and not whoever haunted his mind.

I tried to swallow, discovered with fear that it was impossible. I bravely changed my approach after the horrifying realization that Hael might actually kill me. I stopped fighting him, even as my vision waned and tears leaked from my eyes. My fingers wrapped around his wrists gently, and I worked my sore throat against his hold. 

"You promised you'd never…hurt me," I choked. "Don't become…a liar, too…Hael."

Hael's head cocked a fraction, his eyes pinching further like he was in severe anguish. And I wondered as my strength drained from me if my words reached him. If he recognized my voice. 

A tremble ravaged his body on top of me, and he released a staggered exhale. Hael's hands then loosened around my throat, and his body tipped forward. Despite his weight on me, I flew forward to catch him, allowing his hips to shift down my lap so I could sit up properly. I didn't know how I'd mustered the strength to hold him like this: my hands clasped behind his back while his body slumped against me. My whole body convulsed as I sputtered forceful coughs against his shoulder, my lungs working desperately for air. 

The tightness in my chest ebbed, and I realized I couldn't hold Hael much longer. His body was too heavy against mine. So, as carefully as I could, I pushed him off and positioned him on his side on the padding he'd brought with him. I exhaled loudly, my relief like a cloud pushing out of me. I tried again to swallow but grimaced at the sharp, painful sensation it caused. When I touched my throat, I could already predict the dark bruises forming.

Just how violent had Hael's dream been for him to have attacked me that way? It occurred to me now that I hadn't ever seen him sleep. In the handful of days I'd spent with him, he had always been awake taking care of me or away somewhere. Was this why? Had he been leaving at night, sleeping somewhere else due to his nightmares?

Moonlight crawled along Hael's body and grabbed onto the tears seeping from his sealed eyes. I watched them. Watched him. And when his body began to quietly tremble, I pressed my palm against his cold cheek, letting the weight of it ground him. A few of his dark strands curled around my fingers appreciatively.

The pain left his face, his lips parted almost peacefully, and his breathing relaxed to a rhythm that wouldn't harm him. My shoulders sagged with relief as I observed him. 

Sometimes, the sight of his elegant features—that softened whenever his eyes fell on me—reminded me of a boy I'd known. That boy had been a dear friend of mine. A bit older than me, but always smaller. I had always wanted to protect him. Even if it had discreetly bothered him, I'd loved Alora too much to ever neglect him. 

Hael resembled Alora. Sometimes so much so that I toyed with the idea that the boy I'd known was indeed him. But Alora, who'd been as delicate as a flower, whose knees had always been bruised, had had a head of dysfunctional brown curls the color of dark almonds. Far too different from the stark black of Hael's wavy strands. And Alora's green eyes had been so muted that they'd resembled moss hidden beneath the grey of foggy water. Hael's gaze was too vibrant for them to have been the same people.

I knew people changed as they grew older, but these changes were too drastic. 

Alora had been significant to me, and perhaps we could have had something remarkable if I hadn't disappeared from the village. It had been too sudden when royal guards attempted to retrieve me from the orphanage. I'd declared I didn't want to leave with them and fled immediately in search of my friend to propose that we run away. Alora's parents, who'd remained grieving over the suicides of mine, could not afford to adopt me themselves, and as a child, running away had seemed like the only option for my friend and me to forgo separation. 

I had cried out for him.

Exhausted my legs running from guards in search of him. 

But when I'd called for him, he hadn't come. 

And when I'd been dragged away from the only home I knew, a part of my heart had remained in the village with only one desire: Find me.

Sighing heavily, I dismissed thoughts of the past. It always pricked my heart to remember how content I'd been with my family and friends. My parents were dead now, but it felt like I'd abandoned everyone else who'd been important to me. Even if I had been plucked from my home unwillingly, it had been my choice not to return. I'd been too afraid that if I had, the person I'd been looking forward to seeing most wouldn't have been there waiting for me. To this day, my heart was too fragile. And a realization that I'd been abandoned by the person I held dearest would obliterate me. 

I pulled myself from the distressing thoughts and focused on Hael. 

He looked so innocent with those tears gathering beneath his eyes and that mauve flush creeping up his neck.

So helpless.

Like there were villains after him, too.

Like he needed someone to protect him.

My eyes caught on the key hanging from his neck. Gnawing on my lip, I realized I could take it. Unlock the door and flee. Someone would recognize me eventually, and they would help. They'd be obligated to, regardless of whatever feelings they had against me. 

But then Hael would be left alone to battle the monsters behind his eyelids. It was frustrating. I knew what I should have done, but my heart desired otherwise. Something…protective flipped in my stomach seeing him so helpless now. Seeing someone so dangerous and powerful relying on my hand for relief. 

I sighed and gave a dry chuckle.

Truly, I had lost my mind. 

Because even though I should have, I could not abandon him.