it Now or never

place only to redo it all again. Yet through it all, I don't shift. I don't become my wolf and she remains trapped inside me and I don't know how to break the chains that keep her imprisoned.

I am so close to transforming that I swear I can taste fur and blood on the back of my throat. Everyone is staring at me with a mix of horror and pity.

"M-Michael," I manage to get his name out. He can help me. He can bring out my wolf and bring this pain to a joyous ending.

Sweat coats my body and my mouth feels like it's been stuffed with bloody cotton balls. I gag, trying to breathe, trying to wrestle past the agony that rips through me.

Cool fingers touch my forehead and the pain ebbs. I open my eyes to Darla, the pack healer, staring down at me in concern.

I pant, catching my breath. "Thank you."

Jessica she whispers like she's about to give me really bad news. "I-I don't think your wolf is ready." Her raven black hair hangs down below her shoulders. Her skin is pale in the

moonlight and the glow of the fire makes her freckles stand out.

"What?" I shake my head, lifting up on my elbows and the world spins. I fight back nausea rolling through me. "No, no, you're wrong. I-I felt her. She just needs to be claimed. Michael

And suddenly he's there next to me with a frown on his face. He takes my hand and there's a huge gasp as my pack watches.

He helps me to stand on shaky legs. This is it. He's here now and everything is going to be fine now. He'll claim me and my wolf will be free. All my pain vanishes making me sigh in relief.

"You can't shift?" he asks like it's the most foreign thing in the world.

"No," my mouth is suddenly drier than three summers ago when our river was as dry as the desserts I'd read about, "I told you that before in the forest."

He frowns and with a disbelieving look like I'm making stuff up. Like I would choose this. Chose all the faces staring at me with Casey and his group smirking and the horrified looks from everyone else that didn't know. Fucking great. Everyone knows 

NOW.  Except Michael is here now and everything will be fine.  My wolf will be free and I will be normal like everyone else.

  "I thought you were shy and that's why you didn't want to show me your wolf."  He lets go of my hand as if my inability to move is contagious and my heart twists in my chest.

  "B-But it's different with you."  I struggle to save myself, to save this fragment of my wolf that feels like it's moaning in my chest and hurts inside.  "I think my wolf is waiting for you to claim us, so she will

  "It does not work like that."  Michael's caring expression turns to shame.  I have seen it too often and my heart sinks.

  "I tell the truth."  I try, my throat tightens.  "I-I can feel it now, beneath the surface."  Maybe he's right and she's shy.  Which is strange for a wolf since our species is naked in its wolf form and when it returns to its human form.

  "If you asked for me then…" And I hate how desperate I sound.  I hate that it's up to him.  I hate having to depend on someone 

that I have to depend on someone else and my wolf is letting me down once again.

Michael's face converts to disgust. "You tricked me."

"No, I didn't... I didn't mean to." Tears prick my eyes and I clench my fist, my nails digging into my palms. But he's partially right. I didn't go out of my way to ensure he understood that I couldn't shift. I should've known better. No wolf would want someone like me. A broken wolf who can't transform no matter how hard I try.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, and my voice quivers. "Please give me-give us this chance." I thought we'd love each other forever. Mates for life. "I thought-"

"I never want to see you again." His words hit me like a blow to my chest and I shudder from the deep pain welling up inside me. "I reject you."

I jerk like I've been struck and I'm back all these years of praying and hoping with nothing to show for it. Back to when I realized no matter what I did, I wasn't going to shift.

A hysterical laugh bubbles out of my mouth. I'm damaged and no one wants me. Not my pack and now not

my fated mate. No one.

"I-I-" My throat tightens and tears spill down my cheeks. Should've known this was too good to be true. "I'm so sorry. Please." The words stick inside me because he turns away from me and my heart breaks. I take a step toward him and Casey walks between us.

"He should've known better than to try and mate with a broken wolf." Casey snickers.

"Why don't you bed a real wolf." Vella saunters up to Michael and he links his arm around her waist. She lets out a mocking howl at me then laughs as they leave.

Never once does he look back at me, it's like I don't exist to him anymore and I feel raw and exposed and like I'm never going to heal from this.

I feel like my chest is caving in. I stand up, fighting the urge to chase after them. To beg. I've never wanted anything so badly as I do now.

My wolf whimpers in my chest. A whine that shakes me to my core and I know she's going back into hiding and I don't know if she'll ever

come this close to emerging ever again.

Hundreds of wolves gawk at me. My one chance of a mate has rejected me. No one here will even think of claiming me. Not that any of them would stir my wolf like Michael nearly did. And I cry all over again, feeling like my heart has been ripped from my chest and stomped on.

"You shouldn't have let it go this far," Casey says with a smug grin on his face. Then he leans over to whisper in my ear, "You're no wolf."

I slap his face, my hand stinging and my face burning with embarrassment. The stuffy air around us becomes thick with the scent of his rage and mine. I've embarrassed myself by slapping him in front of the whole pack. Everyone is staring and I can only imagine how this looks to them.

"Fuck you." I sidestep him and hurry to get out of the circle of elders.

Jessica our Alpha shouts, and everyone freezes.

A trickle of alarm slides down my back.

"You are a disgrace to our pack, to our kind. You are hereby banished." He faces away from me and one by one the others in the pack follow suit.

Darla gives me a sad smile before she joins the others while Casey gives me a smug smile before blowing a kiss and turning away.

And the other packs are following

suit until there's no one. Not even my damn, drunk mother looking at me or offering me shelter.

They've all rejected me. I have no one and nowhere to go.

I'm in so much pain I can't think. I can't move. I can't breathe.

I'm doomed to be alone. I'm destined to be alone.

I can't stay here.

I turn away and run. I don't look back because seeing that look of disgust on Michael's face burns in my mind and soul. Just the memory of it hurts so bad I can't stop sobbing. Why did I ever think that this would work out? I'm so stupid. Unworthy.

My chest heaves as I cry, running through the night and my feet stumble over the terrain.

I'm not sure how long I run, but I don't look back and I don't stop.

My heart feels like it might give out then I run some more.

The night is cool but sweat drips down my forehead and makes my eyes sting. Each step feels like I'm smashing my feet into buckets of rocks and my heart feels like it's being squeezed with every step.

rocks and my heart feels like it's being squeezed with every step.

My lungs burn and my legs threaten to give out. Still, I push on. Banished. The word feels like a shovel striking the dirt of my grave. Might as well be a death sentence for me because there is nothing outside of the pack.

I feel dead inside and it's only a matter of time before I'm dead for real.

My heart splinters and tears roll down my cheeks.

How could this have happened again?

My wolf was supposed to come out. I clench my fists and press them hard to my gut... I need to hurt because I'm not good enough even for my wolf.

I want the world to crack open and swallow me, just as much as my embarrassment is doing.

I'm weak and a nobody to everyone in the pack I once considered family. Because at the end of the day, what good is a wolf who can't transform?

A wolf who pines for Michael but can't make a show.

I want to die.

I curse at myself under my breath, you're useless. No good to anyone.

Their eyes are heavy on my back, their laughs are torture in my ears. And I can't stand it another second.

I run.

And I never look back because I can't stand to see the pity and judgment on their faces.

As far as they're concerned, I might as well be dead.