This isn't a dream

The pain of a breakup without closure is excruciating.

I didn't return to the room; instead, I grabbed a beer from the fridge and stayed in the kitchen. I couldn't connect the pieces of events that had unfolded since I returned to the Philippines. I know she's partly the reason why I came back, and I know it seems so unfair to Miyah.

Flashback

"I wanted to see you!" Miyah's voice on the other line. We were video calling. This is our first month as a couple, but we've known each other for almost eight months on Tinder. Like I said, she's easy to be with, and I feel comfortable with her.

"Actually, that's my surprise for you. I'll be going back to the Philippines!" I happily told her.

"Really? No way!" Miyah replied in disbelief. But I could see in her face that she was excited to see me.

"Yes, baby! I'll be staying in Manila for good!" I excitedly said.

"Manila? Aren't you from Cebu?" she asked.

"Come on, baby, I have nothing to go back to in Cebu. I've moved on, remember?" I lied. Honestly, I wanted to visit Cebu, hoping to see Alex, even for a short time.

"Really?" Miyah's jealousy tone.

"Yes, baby! That's why I'll be in Manila for good, right?" I reassured her. "Did you know that you look so cute when you're jealous?" I teased her. I can see her being shy on camera. I shared everything with Miyah from when we met Alex until the accident. But I haven't dropped any names. She didn't ask, and I didn't tell. "I love you, baby!" I smiled while looking at the monitor.

"I love you too! When are you coming back to the Philippines?" she asked softly.

"In two months, I'll be there. I promise I'll be present at your graduation!" I casually said. She jumped with joy. I know she's excited.

"You promise, okay? I love you so much, baby!" She kept kissing the monitor. She's carefree, but that makes me love her even more.

End of flashback

I'm sorry, Miyah, for feeling this way...

I've had several bottles of beer, but it seems like I can't get drunk. I can remember every detail in this house with Alex.

Flashback

"Do you want to eat?" Alex asked me while she took a bite of her pancake. I opened my mouth, pretending to ask her to feed me. "Don't you want to make your own? Cooking is tiring!" she teased.

"Ah, you don't want to?" I threatened her while poking her waist. "I'm starving, Pumpkin. Maybe you want me to eat you?" I joked, making her blush. "Rawrrr!" I even made a face. She ran to the living room, and I continued to tickle her. We're sitting on the sofa now.

"I love you, Pumpkin!" She kissed me on my nose tip.

"I knew it; you had a crush on me!" I teased her while tickling her.

"Oh, shameless!" She scolded me and threw a pillow at me.

"I love you too, Pumpkin!" I replied while hugging her. We shared the night cuddling each other.

End of flashback.

She's everywhere. No matter how hard I try to forget her, she keeps popping into my head. Alex is still a part of my system. I looked at my right foot. She was the reason I lost my leg. I want to be angry with her, but I can't.

I still love you, Alex...

I took another gulp of alcohol when the door suddenly opened.

Alex?

Yes! It was Alex, struggling to walk. I left her without even thinking about whether she could still make it back to the villa.

Are you alright?

I want to approach her, but it's like I'm a statue. I miss everything about her. This is the first time I've looked at her since she returned. She probably doesn't know I'm still awake. She stopped by the stairs and looked at our room. She kept pounding on her chest.

If only I could face you like this, Alex.

I just watched her break, and it broke my heart as well. She keeps crying. I can't help but be reminded of everything.

What happened after the accident?

"I tried, Alex! I really tried! But the universe won't allow me!" Her voice is pitiful. She's now kneeling, crying. She's hugging herself, and I can feel her pain.

What really happened?

I want to approach her. I want to scold her. I want to talk to her, but it will only complicate things if I prioritize her over Miyah.

"I still love you, Pumpkin," she said, now sitting at the foot of the stairs while embracing herself. It breaks my heart even more to hear those words.

I know... I feel it.

I clutched my hands. I've shed so many tears since we met again.

I made the wrong choice again!

I can't do anything. I'm like a scared puppy afraid of being seen by others. I don't want to face her like this.

Why am I stuck between who I loved and who I should be loving in the present?

She got up and went to Jajas' room but stayed there for a few minutes. She walked back to the living room. She's really drunk now, having trouble walking properly. She collapsed on the sofa.

I want to hug you right now, Alex.

I just watched her until she lay down. I waited for a few minutes before I approached her.

Is she asleep?

Her eyes are closed, but the tears won't stop. I want to touch her. I moved closer to get a better look at her face.

You're still beautiful, Alex.

I couldn't resist anymore. I removed the strands of hair blocking her face. I saw the glitter on her neck. It was the necklace I gave her before we went back to Cebu.

You still have it?

Flashback

"I love you once," I kissed her on the forehead. "I love you twice," I kissed her nose tip. "I love you thrice," I kissed both her cheeks. "And I will love you forever!" I gently kissed her lips. I hugged her and put the necklace on her.

"It suits you," I told her. She looked confused, so I pointed to what was hanging on her neck. I saw her surprise. "Actually, that was Moms. She said I should give it to the woman whom I want to spend the rest of my life with!" I said seriously.

"Really? We've only been together for six days, Alex? And you didn't even court me!" she pouted.

"Yeah, I know! That's why I'm giving you that because I'm sure you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with!" I said and I kissed her again.

End of flashback.

Another tear fell from my eye.

I wanted to know everything since the accident, but how?

I looked up and stared at our room.

Can you forgive me if I say I lied to you, Miyah?

I was about to stand up when she opened her eyes. I paused, like a statue in my place, seeing Alex looking at me with her swollen eyes. Full of emotion, full of pain, and fear, but she managed to give a faint smile.

"Finally, I'm seeing you close like this," she softly said, touching my face.

Why can't I do the same?

She's still crying. I can't hold back my tears anymore. I really missed this girl in front of me.

"At least in my dream, I can see you, I can touch you, I can feel you," she said brokenly. She wiped away my tears. "Don't cry, Pumpkin. You don't deserve the pain," she added, making me cry even more. I held her hand and kissed it. "I wish I wouldn't wake up from this beautiful dream!" she said and closed her eyes again.

This isn't a dream, Pumpkin.

I remained in that position. I just watched her. I've been eagerly anticipating seeing her again, so I shouldn't let this opportunity pass to observe her up close.

I loved you, Alex... but I can't hurt Miyah. I'm really sorry.

I left her when it was already five in the morning. I also didn't want her friends to see us, especially Miyah. I couldn't sleep anymore. I didn't return to the room; instead, I went out to the villa and submerged myself in the sea.

...to be continued.