the last letter (suicide letter)

Mom, If you are reading this, maybe it's too late and you have already lost your daughter but I want you to know that I tried...

I fought for as long as I could... I was a coward, I was scared..  scared of everything...

Every single thing around me gives me trauma... My online friend's tried to help me but I'm anxious and nothing can help...

I hate it so much... I'm a nervous wreck... My heart is always ready to come out....

Whenever teacher asks me something, I know the answer and I want to answer but I can't.. my mind goes blank and I can't think of anything....

They made me perform a speech on stage infront of the whole school, I learnt the speech whole day and the next day I couldn't even introduce myself on stage...

Everyone was laughing at me and I was standing still.... Whenever I think of that moment, I just wanna die....

Mom, I told you how I felt and you thought I was overreacting but trust me... I have no control over it.... I feel like everything will hurt me...

If someone ignores me for even a single second, I have already died of anxiety standing there....

I'm pretty bad at words, this makes me want to keep quiet in a group of friends...

Everyone told me how beautiful the life is but if you look from my perspective, if you feel the way I do, you will know....

I'm a coward and I want to always hide behind someone... I need someone to protect me from everything...

Reading novels was a good decision... It helped me escape the reality.... But for how long can I escape the reality... I'm just a child rn and there are a lot more challenges waiting for me in the future...

I'm already too tired to fight anymore.... I can't... I just can't... I'm a kind of person, easy to manipulate and everyone takes advantage of that.... They manipulated me in trying to kill myself...

This is not my first attempt, I have many in the past, I tried everything from cutting my veins to hitting my head hard in the wall that I passed out, Eating paracetamols to drowning in water, I tried everything but maybe the god doesn't want me either...

I'm tired of myself, I don't want to die but I don't have the energy to live anymore...

You wanted me to score more than 90% in my board exams right? I tried... I tried really hard... I slept at 10 PM and woke up at 12 AM to study the whole year... But still I messed up everything.

I am a loser.. I am a fucking looser and lossers Don't deserve to live...I mean they can't live.. they are always neglected by everyone...

I'm not living, I'm surviving... I'm alive but I'm dead... I don't want to die, I just wanna disappear... But I can't so I choose the first one...

My father passed away a month ago... I saw him in my dreams, he was alone and he was crying, he wanted to be with me... He don't want to stay alone.. I will accompany him, he won't cry anymore.. He won't be alone.

I wanna say a lot.. ik No one's gonna read it anyways...

The time I touched my father's dead body, I can't even explain the feeling... I wanted to call his name... I thought if I call him, he might wake up but I was too anxious as I was surrounded by hundreds of people...

The last time I talked with him, he was so happy because I finally talked to him after one month of ignoring him because he shouted at me.... that time I failed as daughter...

I liked a guy in highschool and he manipulated me in telling him other's secrets and I did.. even my closest friend's secrets... That time I failed as a friend...

On my father's funeral, a women said to me that I was a girl and I can't do anything, my father wanted a boy and that my father left the hospital when he found out I was a girl... He used to ignore me and hate me....

Not only her but everyone told me this... That time I failed myself... I lost myself....

I have a lot more to say but I can't.. I'm bad at words. I never had anyone to talk to in the past. So, my conversation skills are zero...

I am failure, I failed everything in my life.. Like everything... I lost every single thing and now I am ready to fail myself...

It's getting hard for me.. I'm tired.. I don't have energy for anything..

I'm tired of being neglected always, I'm tired of being called an overreacter...

I can't handle the pressure anymore... I'm not in a state to handle anything..

I am ready to give up and I promise I won't regret it...

Here's a last goodbye from me... I love everyone ❤️ I just hated myself.. and the hatred is too much for me to handle...

This is me Tsubasa Shibuya- the author. It's my letter. I'm alive rn but I don't know for how long I would be able to stay alive. So, I'm writing this letter..

Just in case if something happens to me, Send this message to @bxtch_621

it's my Instagram id... But my mother will use it after I died.