Chapter 54: Gross Little Annoyances

The new year of school at Hogwarts began as Harry and Pansy were joined by Luna and Hermione for breakfast, as usual. Harry realized that he probably should try to spend some more time with Neville. Or Fred and George maybe, although those two had seemed very preoccupied with something for most of the fall term. Some male company might be a nice change.

Pansy meanwhile was counting and reveling in all the jealous looks she was getting from the girls who were still not over the Yule Ball. Walking into the Great Hall on Harry's arm wasn't something she was going to get tired of any time soon.

Luna was merrily flipping through the newest issue of The Quibbler while savoring an extra large bowl of oatmeal topped with a blueberry muffin she had crumbled up. Harry had offered to pass her some actual blueberries, but she had insisted that she was on a carb heavy diet in order to build up her hypothalamus in an attempt to awaken her third eye. Harry just nodded along while trying not to imagine Luna with an eye in the middle of her forehead.

He wasn't succeeding at it, so he asked Hermione if she had done anything special for New Year's. Not too surprisingly, she had spent the night curled up with a good book, and Harry even asked her what it was about, but for some reason whenever Hermione said anything about the story's heroine, all he could see in his head was Luna dressed up as a pirate with an eye-patch across her forehead.

It was a troubling thought that would distract him all through that morning's Herbology lesson.

Harry tried to focus as he watched the students from Durmstrang entering, but Krum was a no show, so he would have to wait to confront him.

Hedwig flew in, delivering the day's paper, and all of a sudden Harry's appetite was gone.

Horrible Hogwarts Harem!

The headline shouted out, and Harry only managed to read a couple of sentences before slamming the newspaper onto the table. Pansy tried to look it over, but only managed to make it halfway through the front page before copying Harry's actions.

"Is it my turn?" Luna inquired, as she grabbed the Daily Prophet and began to read.

"How bad is it, Luna?" Hermione asked.

"Hmm?" Luna looked up, not giving anything away with her unflappable wide-eyed expression. "Oh, I wouldn't say that it's badly written. Rita Skeeter wouldn't have such a famous name if she didn't have some skill, you know."

"That's not what I meant," Hermione insisted.

"Well, it is terribly offensive. On a number of levels, which is actually sort of impressive."

"Do I want to know?" Hermione looked over at her best friend, who looked ready to kill someone and she could swear that she could hear him grinding his teeth.

"It does concern you. Apparently, the paper is outraged at the company Harry is keeping, so they have attacked all of us. You are described as an overly opinionated, muggleborn outsider, and you are supposedly slowly seducing your way to the top, first with Harry and now with Viktor Krum. I am labeled as a half-blood lunatic, which is not surprising since my father runs the only other regularly printed news media. However, they should have done their research better, as I have all magical ancestors going back at least five generations. I suppose pureblood lunatic wouldn't sound as good to those most likely to have negative opinions of Harry.

"Then it contrasts the two other members of Harry's supposed harem. On one hand, we have Pansy who is described as a devious yet desperate pug-nosed girl who used him to escape her Death Eater father, and now she is apparently manipulating him into ignoring better romantic options, despite merely being his servant. On the other hand, we have Parvati-"

"What? Why me?"

"I'm guessing because you danced with Harry at the Yule Ball. It does have descriptions of all of your outfits. Pansy's is described as thoroughly scandalous. Can I see it some time, Pansy?"

"Maybe later, Luna," Harry answered, holding Pansy's hand as she was too upset to respond. "Skeeter thinks she's being smart. She couldn't attack me, so she went after the people around me, suggesting that I have all these bad influences in my life. But she made a mistake in going after the people I care about. She's going to pay for this."

The last line was hissed out so angrily, that a couple of people looked over at Harry warily, reminded of his parseltongue ability.

"What did it say about me?" Parvati asked.

"It describes you as a dirty wog and someone who needs to keep her foreign traditions away from Britain's iconic hero."

"That- she didn't-" Parvati flushed angrily, unable to finish her thought.

"What's a wog?" Luna asked with a confused expression.

"It's a racist term for someone who isn't white," Harry answered. "It's very offensive, Luna. I'm almost surprised that the Daily Prophet would print something like this."

"Unfortunately, Rita Skeeter draws a large audience with her gossip."

"Not for long."

"I can't believe that b-"

"Please don't finish that, miss Patil," professor McGonagall interrupted as she had come over to speak with them, noticing how upset several of the students were. "While I cannot fault your anger at this rubbish, I must insist on certain standards. Now, I believe you all have Herbology soon, so please deposit this with the rest of the garbage on your way."

"Yes, professor."

Pansy was quiet that morning, so Harry took her back to their quarters during lunch. Dobby could be counted on to make sure they had food there.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I'll make Skeeter pay for this. Are you alright?"

"I..." Pansy's voice hitched and Harry saw a tear leak down one cheek. "No one has called me pug-nosed in awhile, but it was a common insult when I was younger."

"Hey, don't listen to that bitch. I love your nose," Harry insisted, as he wiped her cheek dry. "It's a cute little button nose. I think it's perfect. Much better than something like the enormous hooked beak that Snape had or Dumbledore's long crooked nose."

"Thanks, Harry." She tried to give him a smile, but he could see just how forced it was. "It just brought back some bad memories. Kids always pick on whatever obvious thing they can, and my upturned nose was the target they chose."

"Fuck them. Your nose is adorable. You should have heard the things I was called. Four-eyes, obviously, since I wore glasses. Then they would go after my messy hair, or my cast off clothes, or how skinny I was. Hell, the Dursleys almost always called me boy or freak. I still distinctly remember them forcing themselves to call me Harry the week or so before I began school so they would be sure I would respond to my name and not cause them any problems."

Harry snorted mirthlessly and Pansy scowled at him.

"I still think I should have killed those bastards."

"Thanks," Harry snickered. "But I like to imagine Vernon is in a cell somewhere with some big, scary, violent criminal. Have you heard what they say happens in prison, at least in the non-magical world?"

"No."

"Well, the men there still have sexual urges, so they take them out of the weaker prisoners. And for all his talk, he never had the balls to do anything other than pick on a child. So, I like to imagine him being someone's bitch every night. The fat fuck deserves it."

Pansy laughed at that thought too.

"Thanks, Harry. I don't think I want to be around people too much today. Could we skip dinner too?"

"You mean I get you all to myself tonight? Absolutely."

"Completely incorrigible." Pansy shook her head at him as Harry smiled back.

"And you love me for it."

Hagrid hadn't been there that first day back, and they had a substitute again for Wednesday's class, so Harry decided to do something about it. While not necessarily meaning to enlist her help, Luna was coming too as Hagrid was her favorite teacher. Pansy trailed along behind them, not particularly caring but not having anything better to do.

"Hagrid, open up!" Harry yelled as he banged on the front door of the little hut. Not getting any response, he banged again before Luna reached up and stopped him.

"Let me try, Harry."

"Okay."

Luna stepped around Harry and knocked on the door, not nearly as loud this time.

"Hagrid, are you in there?" Luna knew he was, based on the smoke coming from the chimney, but she was going to play things differently. "Oh, I suppose you're not. It's too bad, I was hoping you would show me around the Forbidden Forest. Since you're not home, I'll just have to go exploring by myself. Harry offered to go with me earlier, but I told him the snow fairies wouldn't come out if a teenage boy was around. They've received too much of a bad reputation over the years.

"I was thinking that I would have more luck if I went deeper into the forest. Maybe I'll see you when I get back," Luna's voice trailed off as she was walking away from Hagrid's cabin. Harry watched her go as she winked at him and soon enough there was the sound of deep footsteps coming from inside.

"Yeh can't be goin' in there by yourself, Luna," Hagrid bellowed as he opened the door. He looked shocked for a moment as Harry stood there grinning at him, while Luna twirled around with a smile on her face.

"Sure I can, Hagrid," she giggled.

"Harry, yer supposed to be her friend. Yeh wouldn't just let her run off like that."

"Well, I wouldn't have to if you had just opened the door. Now, what's it going to take to get you to stop hiding in there when you're supposed to be teaching?"

"Yeh think yer so smart, huh? Tricking poor old Hagrid like that," the half-giant shook his head as he stepped back inside, with the teens all following him. "Yeh just don't understand."

"I think you're blowing this all out of proportion," Harry argued. "Apparently, I'm just about the only one who assumed you were just a really big guy. Pansy says everyone should have known that you had giant blood."

"I could tell that," Luna added. "It doesn't bother most people. Professor Flitwick is similar. Everyone can tell that he has goblin ancestry. In his case, and in yours, it doesn't matter to the vast majority of us because you're good teachers."

"But-"

"Let me guess," Harry interrupted. "Some of the older families have sent you hate mail. It should be obvious that those types of people are probably the ones still wearing robes and masks and attacking people at last year's Quidditch World Cup. Why would you care what Death Eaters think, Hagrid?"

Their teacher just sat down in his oversized chair by the fireplace. He still wasn't looking convinced, so Harry looked over to Pansy, who rolled her eyes but agreed with a nod.

It was time to bring out the big guns.

"You know, Harry and I sometimes playfully argue over which of our houses and their core values are better. He tells me that you were a Gryffindor like him. That's the house for the brave, right? So, why are you hiding in here like the world's biggest baby?"

"Are yeh calling me a coward?" Hagrid was obviously incensed, but sometimes a kick in the butt was just what you needed. That's what Harry had been counting on.

"Are you going to keep acting like one?" he asked, not wanting Hagrid to be too angry at Pansy.

"Fine," Hagrid grumbled. "I can hardly let a bunch of kids show me up."

"That's more like it," Luna cheerily replied. "I missed you Hagrid."

"Yeh still can't go off into the forest alone, Luna."

"So, you're going to come with me?"

"I'm not that easy to trick, little miss Lovegood."

"You shouldn't worry too much about Rita Skeeter anyway, Hagrid," Luna smiled.

"Why not?"

"You must have missed the paper Monday morning. Since she was warned against attacking Harry directly, she instead decided to attack the people around him. She wrote some very rude things about Pansy, Hermione, Parvati, and myself. I'm pretty sure Harry's going to threaten to kill her soon."

"Who says it will be just a threat?" Harry growled. There were a few small laughs at that, but even Luna could see the murderous intent in Harry's eyes. Thankfully, at least Hagrid didn't seem to be paying as much attention to Harry's anger.

The hate mail had not only been directed at Hagrid though, as the girls all started to get nasty things sent their way as well. Pansy was saved from this as her mail had to go to Harry, which meant that it was being sorted and taken care of by Dobby. That still meant Hermione, Luna, and Parvati would have to deal with the abuse.

After three straight mornings of them all blasting howlers with shouts of Incendio, Harry approached their heads of house, professors McGonagall and Flitwick, who agreed to have all three girls' mail redirected. Dobby had plenty of practice by then, and house-elves always delighted in taking out the trash.

He and Pansy spent an hour every night practicing dueling, being joined by Hermione and Luna only on Thursday night. Harry still referred to it as fighting though, as he was more interested in surviving whatever form of magical combat he might get involved in, and he wasn't willing to just learn the proper "formal" way to duel.

When Saturday morning came around, Harry finally got to deal with some more unfinished business. The newspaper had arrived, which meant it was time for step one of dealing with that scumbag Krum.

The Durmstrang contingent was once sitting over at the Slytherin table, and between the Death Eater headmaster and a sleaze like Krum, it was clear why they wouldn't fit in better at any of the other tables. It made Harry wonder at how the entire house had been so badly tainted by people like Riddle, Malfoy, and Snape. The girls he had met- not just Pansy, but the Carrow and Greengrass girls- none of them were so blatantly evil. And he really liked Slughorn, even if Harry still was a bit uncomfortable with the sort of networking that his Slug Club was all about.

Harry had the paper in hand as he crossed the room, stopping just in front of Krum, who was sitting near Karkaroff. Hermione had followed him for obvious reasons, while Pansy came along mostly because she wanted a front row seat, just in case the goon or his slimy boss tried anything.

This had the side effect of none of them noticing one of the Slytherins slip out of his seat and disappear under an invisibility cloak.

Harry opened the Daily Prophet to page 6 and set it down on the table. Notices were normally listed in the very back section, but then it wasn't every day that the boy who lived declared himself patron to a young muggleborn witch.

"In case some of you cannot read English, allow me to make this very clear," Harry began. "Hermione Granger is now under my protection. All of you are to stay far away from her, and that especially goes for you, Krum. I'm not allowed to challenge you to a duel as long as the tournament is going on. The last task is on the twenty-first of June. As soon as the trophy is presented to the winner the next day, it's open season. This is your only warning."

Hermione treasured the scowl on Krum's face. She should have known better than to be so trusting of some strange guy swooping in to ask her to the dance. If she hadn't been delighted at how much it would have infuriated Ron, she probably would have said no anyway.

Pansy was thrilled for a different, much baser, reason. She loved seeing Harry get all angry and threatening, and this left her ready to skip the rest of breakfast and drag him back to their quarters.

"Mr. Krum will be staying away from all of you, I can assure you of that, Mr. Potter," Karkaroff answered. His oily voice made it hard to trust a word the Death Eater said, but his harsh look at Krum at least suggested that he would keep his student from doing anything foolish.

"I appreciate that, headmaster," Harry replied with a nod, and they headed back to their places at the Gryffindor table.

Pansy whispered in his ear not to eat too much as they had important business back in their quarters as soon as possible. Her expression left him no doubts, and Harry smiled as he sat back down to try to quickly finish his breakfast.

But as he reached for his glass, Pansy grabbed his hand and stopped him. A voice from behind made him turn around.

"Well played, Potter." It was Theodore Nott standing behind them, with a goblet of pumpkin juice in his hand. "Many of us wonder at your behavior at times, but today was very well done. To handling things without resorting to violence."

He raised his drink in a salute, waiting for Harry to follow.

"Don't drink that, Harry," Pansy interrupted.

"It is upsetting to see you let your servant talk to you like that, Lord Potter," Nott sneered. "Are you going to once again insult those of your peers, or will you accept my compliment properly?"

"Professor Slughorn," Pansy called. Harry remained quiet and waited to see what she was doing, counting on her to be watching his back. Harry had no idea of what Nott was up to, so he trusted Pansy to take care of whatever this was.

"Maybe the supposed might of House Potter has fallen even farther than I thought," Nott said, scowling as he turned to walk away.

"What is going on here?" Slughorn asked as he showed up just before Nott could escape.

"I believe you will find that the drinks of both Harry and myself have been spiked with something," Pansy replied. She and Harry noticed Nott flinch, and Harry smiled at her.

"Perhaps Nott was counting on that. Can you have our drinks tested, professor Slughorn?"

"Of course, Harry. Do you have anything to say, Mr. Nott?"

"Why would I need to slip something in Potter's drink?"

"Well, judging by the smell I noted in my goblet, I would guess you were jealous of when I showed up on Harry's arm at the ball. Amortentia releases very specific odors, did you know that little Teddy?"

"Don't call me that, you-"

"Then I guess my drink was laced with something to get me out of the way?" Harry suggested. "That would make the most sense, assuming little Teddy was thinking with the wrong head."

"I didn't need that imagery, Harry, but it seems he isn't quite as devious as he thought."

"Both drinks do test positively for being tampered with," Slughorn confirmed after waving his wand over both goblets.

"They say that poison is a woman's weapon," Pansy purred with a smirk as Nott fumed. "But then, not many wizards know how to use their wands properly. Maybe this is just a way for little Teddy to cover up for his pitiful little wand."

"How dare you, you slut!"

Harry answered by backhanding Nott as hard as he could.

"Say another word to Pansy and there won't be enough of you left for your mother to bury next to your Death Eater father, you piece of filth."

"Harry, my boy, please don't let this devolve into violence," Slughorn interjected, with a worried expression. "Let me investigate this. If Mr. Nott tried anything of the sort, you can be sure that he will be thoroughly punished. We'll start with revoking his Hogsmeade privileges, as I strongly doubt that anyone his age could have brewed something like that on their own."

"But professor Slughorn-" Nott started to complain, before the Potions Master cut him off.

"Your behavior already speaks against you in this circumstance, Mr. Nott, and I would have to punish you in any case for using such language to slander a young lady in the Great Hall of all places. After eating, you will spend the rest of the morning with Mr. Filch while I determine just what was slipped into their drinks. I hope for your sake that you weren't foolish enough to do what you have been accused of."

Nott stomped off back to the Slytherin table and everyone scooted away from him when he sat down, slumping into his chair.

"Let me handle this, Harry. I promise I will get to the bottom of things." Slughorn had a nervous little smile, but Harry nodded in agreement.

"I trust you will do your utmost, professor. But I would also suggest that you keep Nott far away from either of us."

"Of course."

"Pansy, let's go. I'm not hungry anymore."

A few minutes later, they reached their quarters and Harry let out a growl.

"That fucking bastard!" Pansy tried to quiet his anger by grabbing him for a kiss, but he was too worked up at the moment. "How did you know what he did?"

"This," she replied, as she lifted the locket she wore around her neck. "Remember, you made it able to detect magical things placed into food or drinks near me?"

"Oh yeah. At the time, I was mostly thinking of keeping the Weasley twins from trying to prank you."

"I am a bit surprised they've never done anything of the sort."

"Fred and George are generally pretty good guys. Of course, they haven't been doing much pranking at all lately. I wonder what they're up to. You would think they would have had more chances for things like that without quidditch to cut into their free time.

"Still, I'm glad that little present was of use."

"Me too. I don't want to find out how well the amortentia would have worked on me," Pansy shivered with revulsion. "Love potions are mostly marketed and sold to teenage girls and treated as if they are some sort of joke. I'm guessing a lot of the girls this morning probably didn't think they were very funny because something like this could happen to one of them."

"Yeah. You know, the magical world is pretty fucking disturbing. You don't even need to use something like the Imperius curse to have your way with someone. There are compulsion spells, which aren't even classified as Dark Arts. There are also potions like these. But you could go even simpler, just with spells to restrain someone and then obliviate them afterwards. Or even just use the Confundus charm, which we learned as third years. It's almost a miracle that sexual assault isn't common place in the magical world."

Harry looked disgusted and Pansy held onto him even tighter, as she could not disagree with him.

"There have been a lot of stories over the years of supposedly muggleborn witches and wizards who were actually probably half-bloods. It wouldn't take much for a wizard to have his way with a muggle woman and leave her pregnant afterwards. She wouldn't have a way to know any different."

"God, that's fucking horrible. I can just imagine a Death Eater doing something like that- although, I guess in that case, they would be just as likely to kill the poor woman afterwards."

"Alright, enough of this," Pansy interrupted. "I wanted to have some fun before we went to Hogsmeade today."

"I don't know if I feel up to it right now, sweetheart."

"'That doesn't work for me, Harry. 'I'm not in the mood' is supposed to be my line. But I'm not willing to let some little weak piece of crap like Nott ruin my morning." Pansy ran her hand slowly down his chest before dipping below his waist and squeezing her target. She pulled his hand and took him back to their bedroom.

"You should know by now how much I enjoy watching you get angry and threatening with people. Now then," she smirked as she pushed him back onto the bed, then slid her hands down under her skirt. Some days she wondered why she even bothered to wear knickers.

"I believe neither of us got to finish our breakfast this morning, so you know what this means?"

Harry got that goofy smile on his face as she slowly climbed her way up over his body.

"What?"

"You're just going to have to eat me."

Almost two hours later, they were in front of the bathroom mirror together, straightening their clothes and preparing to go to Hogsmeade for the day.

"If I haven't mentioned it lately, you are bloody amazing."

Pansy giggled at him.

"I am, aren't I?"

"Is there anything in particular you want to do today, my amazing girlfriend?"

"Not really. I'm just glad it isn't snowing."

"I thought you liked cold weather?" Harry teased her with a smile as she leaned closer to the mirror and put on a bit of lip gloss.

"There is a big difference between a nice cool breeze and the damn blizzards we get up here at Hogwarts most years."

"Yeah. I'm dreading the second task being in February. Knowing my luck, it will be ten degrees below freezing and I'll have to perform the task in my underwear."

"Speaking of which, we really need to figure out that stupid screeching egg one of these days."

Harry groaned but admitted she was right.

"How about we just try to relax for the rest of the day though? I've had enough drama for one weekend."

"I wondered if you two were ever going to join us," Hermione huffed when Harry and Pansy came down to the entrance hallway, which was almost empty as most of the students had already headed off to the village of Hogsmeade. Luna was waiting with a typical dreamy smile though, and she was quick to add her interpretation.

"I'm sure Harry and Pansy just needed to sort a few things out after the busy breakfast they had."

"Sort things out, right Luna." Harry was pleased to see Hermione resorting to sarcasm.

"I find that physical exertion is a good way to get rid of stress," Luna added. "I don't think you can blame them for wanting to not be stressed all weekend."

"I have to agree." Harry smiled while Pansy rolled her eyes but was unable to fully contain a grin of her own. "I am definitely feeling a lot less stressed now. Is there anything you two lovely ladies are wanting to do in particular today?"

"See, Harry's in a much better mood," Luna said cheerfully, as she attached herself to Pansy's left arm, the side opposite of Harry.

"Um, Luna?"

"Harry can only properly escort two of us, and Hermione is now under his patronage, so this seemed most fitting. You'll protect me from the noxious muffdagglers, won't you Pansy?"

"Of course I will, Luna," Pansy agreed with barely a hint of a smirk. Harry just nodded and stuck out his other arm.

"Shall we go, my protegee?"

"I can't believe you're calling me that," Hermione sighed. "What has the world come to?"

"A much better place than it was a couple of hours ago," Harry said happily.

"Can we please not discuss your sex life?"

"Why not?" Luna pouted.

"Because I learned more than enough about it the morning after the Yule Ball."

"Tell me more."

"Look what you two have done- you've thoroughly corrupted Luna."

"Don't be such a fuddy-duddy, Hermione. I would have corrupted myself eventually, and besides, one could argue that everything is constantly being corrupted. We are all naturally prone to favoritism, for example. And if power corrupts absolutely, that would explain many of the failings of magical society, as we are given more individual power with our abilities than most muggles."

"Only most?" Harry asked.

"The wealthy always have the most power," Luna continued. "Most wizards don't have the nerve to use their power to the full extent, but we could all turn into dark lords and ladies if we really wanted to. With judicious use of the Imperius curse, any witch or wizard could do almost anything in the muggle world."

"You do have a point," Hermione conceded. "'Great men are almost always bad men,' as Lord Acton also said. I guess I should be glad that not enough magical people have that sort of wanton desire for power."

"That explains how useless the ministry is," Pansy snorted.

"I wonder if it explains professor Dumbledore too." Hermione was shocked at Luna's statement.

"Headmaster Dumbledore is great, but he is certainly not a bad man. How can you even say that Luna?"

"There were approximately two dozen Death Eaters at the Quidditch World Cup. All of them escaped justice under professor Dumbledore's watch as the head of the Wizengamot. 'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing' would be the appropriate quotation."

"She does have a point," Harry argued. "I don't think Dumbledore is evil, but the ministry could have done more to verify the so-called Imperius defense. Making people roll up their sleeves would have been a good starting point."

"Of course, then the bribe money would have been more obvious," Pansy added.

"It's a shame Millicent Bagnold is dead," Harry fumed. "I'd like to see her brought up on charges of treason for letting so many of those fucking bastards walk free. Her whole administration should probably be investigated."

"True, but we are getting off topic." Luna cheerfully steered the conversation away from bitching about the uselessness of the Ministry of Magic. "We were talking about how I had been corrupted by my two best friends, which I am very thankful for."

"Why?" Hermione asked, not really sure if she wanted to know the answer.

"Because purity is a concept that we all fail in some ways. Harry is prone to wrath, as we saw this morning. I've heard that you're prone to vanity."

"Vanity? Me?"

"Intellectual pride, showing off that you always know the answers in class, is a form of vanity. I have heard multiple people complain about you."

Hermione shrunk at that, which made Harry wrap his arm around her in comfort.

"You've gotten a lot better about that Hermione."

"You're not just saying that to make me feel better?"

"No, he's right. I can almost tolerate you in most of our classes now," Pansy smirked.

"Only most?" Hermione asked, as she tried to force out a laugh.

"Sometimes when you and Vector get going in Arithmancy I want to strangle you both." Harry giggled at Pansy's response and could not disagree.

"Anyway," Luna interjected. "Personally, I prefer the vices of lust and gluttony. Although, I'll probably have to cut back on the gluttony when I get older and my metabolism slows down. That's why I'm enjoying sweets as much as possible now."

"Lust is the most fun," Pansy said with a smirk.

"Definitely," Harry agreed with a wide grin.

"You two perverts would say that," Hermione grumbled.

"Okay, Pansy, you have got to tell me what you did that got Hermione so bothered," Luna pleaded.

"Later."

"Promise?"

"Sure."

"I'm so glad you introduced me to girl talk."

Hermione moaned while Harry snickered. He knew that Pansy and Luna would continue to come up with ways to take the mickey out of him, but he was also pretty sure that they would be funny as hell together too. And Hermione was utterly doomed.

But that reminded him of something he had been meaning to do for a long time...

The three girls had dragged him around the village for over three hours, but Harry had a blast anyway. Hermione and Luna easily spent almost half that time browsing in the bookstore, while Harry and Pansy found a quiet corner to snog in until they were disapprovingly interrupted by one of the employees.

You would almost think the woman hadn't seen any teenagers ever do such a thing before.

After that, they went by the candy store and Harry began to institute what he dubbed Operation: Hermione's Corruption by pestering his best friend until she broke down and bought a sugar quill.

He briefly noticed Ron look over at them as he went into Zonko's with his older brothers, and Harry thought he detected a hint of sadness. He had to admit that he missed some male company at times, but Ron's refusal to warn him about the dragons was not something that he was willing to forgive.

By the time they went to the Three Broomsticks for lunch, the confrontations at breakfast were a dim memory.

Luna was disappointed at the lack of snow, as she was still interested in exploring the wilderness for snow fairies, and she had an idea to search on the far side of the village from the school. Further away from the perverted teenage boys at Hogwarts, as she said.

That made Harry wonder why she wanted him of all people to come help her search, but he was happy to go along with whatever she wanted for the most part. Luna was just too much fun (and too cute) for him to tell her no. He had an idea that Pansy might have helped her learn exactly how to twist him around her little finger.

Hermione and Luna got in an argument over lunch about entropy and whether or not magic disproved the second law of thermodynamics. Hermione complained that there weren't enough serious scholars in the magical world that tried to understand how magic seemingly broke the laws of nature. For her part, Luna started talking about social entropy and how social dissatisfaction also increased with time in a similar fashion.

Harry laughed at 'his two Ravenclaws' and asked how Hermione had convinced the hat to put her in Gryffindor. He then reminded her of the library they had in their common room that she was missing out on, but he did admit that at least their friendship had developed in part due to her misplacement.

Pansy just rolled her eyes at all of them.

They were almost finished with their meal when trouble walked in the door.

Rita Skeeter was dressed in hideous banana-yellow robes, with her long, talon-like nails painted a bright pink, and she was followed by her ever present photographer, who was listening to her ramble with a dull expression.

Harry made no note of her current topic as he stood angrily. Here was the bitch who had insulted all of the girls he loved- and he had even begun to care more about Parvati, whom Harry was still considering how he might be able to help- and Rita was just strolling in as if she owned the place.

The nerve of this evil fucking cunt.

(Harry had to admit that Luna was right. He was very much prone to wrath.)

"Well, well, well, if it isn't most of Harry's little harem. Where's the Paki girl?"

"Jesus Christ, Skeeter," Harry shook his head in disbelief. "You can't even be accurate when you're being racist. That would be like if I were to call you a French bitch, but that would be an insult to the French."

"Now now, Harry. The public has a right to be concerned about who you associate with. The boy who lived shouldn't be seen with riffraff."

"Hear that, camera man? Don't take any pictures of me with Rita visible."

"How droll, Harry. Do you have a few words for the Daily Prophet today?"

"Here's six words: I challenge you to a duel. You have offended the honor of House Potter, among many others, with your lies and gossip. Why don't we take this outside, Rita? I'd hate to make a mess of Madam Rosmerta's fine establishment."

Everyone in the Three Broomsticks had gone silent as they watched the confrontation between the boy who lived and the witch who made it a point to ruin reputations.

"Afraid of the press, Harry? It's your funeral." Rita turned and headed for the door with a flourish and began to tell her photographer where to stand to get the best angle for the next front page shot.

"She's going to be merciless now, Harry," Hermione cautioned. "An honor duel won't make much of a difference to someone who clearly has none like Rita Skeeter."

"True, but you can bet that all of Hogsmeade is going to be eye witness to this, and I happen to know a girl who has an in with The Quibbler."

"I guess I'll be writing something to Daddy this afternoon then."

"Why Luna, how thoughtful of you." Harry smiled and turned to whisper to Pansy. "How would you feel about kicking the shit out of Skeeter?"

"Me?"

"You've been learning to fight in all our practice too, and I have a feeling Rita is likely to not take you as seriously since no one has ever seen you win a duel to the death before. Besides, she did attack you personally, and your honor is more important to me than my own."

"Alright, let's do this." Pansy stood up with a wicked grin and the girls followed Harry outside, where the crowd was already gathering.

Professor Flitwick was in the middle of things, trying to set up a protective spell around a clearing in an open lot that would allow a duel to take place safely.

"Hello professor," Luna said with a smile.

"Miss Lovegood," he answered without looking as he was still in the middle of spell casting. "Mr. Potter, am I going to have to do this every year now?"

"Sorry about that, professor Flitwick."

"I would be much more cross if that odious woman wasn't today's target. I trust this there at least won't be any fatalities this time?"

"It's just an honor duel, and since she has none, it should be over very quickly."

"Overconfidence can be your downfall, Mr. Potter. Be careful."

Harry nodded as their professor stepped aside and the crowd tried to get the best views they could without coming into contact with the glowing outlines of the dueling area.

"I will accept an apology if you want to call this silliness off, Harry. We could even let bygones be bygones and sit down for an exclusive interview. It's that or I'll just have to write whatever comes to mind after this little farce."

"An honor duel is usually to either first blood or until one party yields. I think we'll all see who yields first, Rita."

"You're making a mistake, Harry. The public won't be pleased at today's behavior."

He turned around and walked over towards his three girls, and led Pansy out into the center of the makeshift dueling arena. The crowd let loose several wolf whistles as he pulled her in for a kiss, then took her hands in his and slipped his family ring onto her finger. Those paying close attention would have noticed that he put it on her ring finger, and Harry was well aware of that symbolism.

"People of Hogsmeade, students, friends," he stood a bit taller and began an impromptu speech. "Miss Skeeter's typical low quality gossip and slander has offended House Potter, and for that I have challenged her to an honor duel. But some of you have already seen me fight a duel before, so you might be thinking that you have some idea of what comes next. However, that awful excuse for a reporter has insulted all of House Potter. So today, Pansy will stand as our champion to show the truth of exactly how contemptible Rita Skeeter is."

There was a cheer that went up as Harry leaned in close to Pansy.

"You will leave her broken and humiliated," he growled in her ear.

"I will obey, master," she purred in delight.

Harry walked over to Luna, who for once looked focused, and Hermione, who was clearly worried.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Harry."

"I have complete faith in Pansy."

"Rita might have a few tricks up her sleeves," Hermione argued.

"Hermione, do you really think a reporter spends her nights practicing for combat? When do you think was the last time Rita would have had to actually fight someone?"

"Robert Howard said that 'civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split,'" Luna interjected. "I think that applies to much of what we see in modern society. Harry is just a bit closer to Conan than most of us."

"Conan? The guy in the loin cloth with the big sword?"

"You should read some of the original stories, Harry. You would like them. Very cynical, primal, and often brutal. They're just full of bloodshed and scantily-clad babes. Although, magic is often treated with contempt, and many of the villains are sorcerers."

"I think I could handle that," Harry acknowledged. "Most of the villains in my life have been sorcerers too."

Rita stepped forward at that point and called out a warning.

"You're going to be even more of a disgrace after this, little girl."

"Someone count us off so I can destroy this wretched old woman."

"Damn, I love her," Harry chuckled as Flitwick stepped forward and counted down to start the fight. He could feel a pull on his magic as Pansy drew her wand to take aim at her opponent.

Rita called out Levicorpus, but Pansy ducked underneath it and fired a Tongue-Tying Curse at the reporter, who looked shocked as she tried to choke out another spell.

Pansy followed up with a shout of Petrificus Totalus, leaving Rita unable to move.

Harry turned to Hermione with a smile, as he reminisced about the first time he had seen that spell when she used it on Neville just before they had gone off to save the Philosopher's Stone. She looked back at him and blushed, obviously remembering the same thing.

"Poor Neville," he muttered as his girlfriend continued her task.

Pansy used an instant scalping hex to leave Rita's famous blonde curls scattered on the ground. With only her eyes able to move, Rita began to tear up as she felt the winter wind on her now bare head and the gathered crowd laughed and jeered at her.

But Pansy wasn't done yet. A pus-squirting hex left yellow goo shooting out of Rita's nose, a disarming spell sent her wand flying off into the distance (just in case), a Tarantallegra forced her to begin to dance wildly, and finally she was blasted into the wall of the closest building by an Expulso curse that Moody had taught them in their last meeting with him in December.

With her mouth now working properly again, Rita immediately cried out, "I yield!"

The audience roared as Harry strode out towards Pansy who still looked ready to kill.

"Well done, my love," Harry murmured in her ear and she immediately relaxed, taking comfort in his arms.

As the crowd dispersed and Harry led his panting girlfriend away while her adrenaline wore off, Rita Skeeter seethed and decided on a course of action. The closer her target, the more dirt she could dig up. Revenge would be oh so sweet.

Pansy didn't feel up to hanging around Hogsmeade for the rest of the afternoon, so Harry and the other two girls walked back up to school shortly thereafter with an unknown stow away.

Luna cheerfully waved goodbye as she set off for her dorm to write a letter that Hedwig would take to her father later that evening. Harry had to smile at that, as even his easily-irritated owl just adored Luna.

Hermione went to work on an Arithmancy project that wasn't due for another couple of weeks, but she would of course need to do at least three revisions of it before it would be up to her immaculate standards. There was a reason that Pansy found her and professor Vector more than a little tedious when they went into a deep discussion in that class. Not only were they both prone to rambling about minutiae together, but so much of the statistical analysis of the magical world was just so damn dry. If she didn't have them do so much actual class work, Pansy would have had to constantly poke Harry to keep him awake.

Now alone, the two of them stepped into the the security of their quarters and collapsed down onto the couch together.

"That was pretty strange today," Pansy said as she stretched out and lay her head in his lap.

"Are you feeling alright now?"

"Mostly. I felt fine at the time, but afterwards, when the excitement wore off, my nerves were really rattled. I'm not sure how you've been able to handle some of the things you've done without freaking out."

"Usually, I just get so caught up in the moment that I can't really let my mind wander. Being introspective while a basilisk is trying to eat you would just leave you dead. But yeah, afterwards, when things have calmed down, I'm sometimes amazed at everything I've survived."

"I hope I don't have to do too much of that in the future. I don't like fighting, even if it is against someone so despicable as Rita Skeeter."

"I would prefer that you not have to do that sort of thing either. I just thought today would be a good idea, as people could see just how amazing you are, and you could get back at Rita for her bullshit. And Luna was right- as angry as I get, I might have killed that bitch."

"Harry, what am I going to do about your temper?" Pansy chuckled. "She really did pick the absolute worst way to get under your skin. After all, you did threaten to murder a bunch of twelve year old girls last year if they bothered Luna anymore."

"I do get furious whenever anyone goes after one of my girls," Harry admitted.

"Yes, you do. I can't really blame you for being overly protective though. I wanted to murder Black when I thought he had betrayed your family and left you as an orphan."

"And you did have to protect our Luna today from the... what was it?"

"Noxious muffdagglers," Pansy snorted. "Do you think sometimes she just makes those things up on the spot?"

"She is pretty creative," Harry speculated. "We've seen her painting skills, and you know she's made most of her own jewelry. I wouldn't put it past her. Plus, Hermione was there today, and I'm almost positive that she sometimes does things just to get under her skin."

"Alright, now I'm definitely feeling better," Pansy said as she sat up. "And you know what that means."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him in for a kiss. But as she ran her fingers through his hair, Pansy let out a shriek.

A beetle was thrown onto the floor as Pansy shook her hand in horror.

"God, I hate bugs. Step on it, Harry."

The dazed little insect's last thoughts were oh shit! as a large shoe came down to crush the life out of her.

If Harry thought her shriek at discovering the beetle in his hair was bad, it was nothing compared to Pansy's scream of terror as his foot rose to reveal the bug shifting back into the human form of Rita Skeeter.

A now thoroughly smashed corpse.

"Oh my god, I'm going to be sick."

Harry stood there stunned into shock as he vaguely heard Pansy run into the bathroom and begin to vomit. If his brain had fully processed what was going on, he probably would have been there right beside her. He had seen a dead body before, and even been the cause of that death, but watching Edmund Parkinson or Lucius Malfoy bleed out was nothing like seeing a human body squashed almost flat, with blood and other gross fluids leaking everywhere.

"Holy fucking shit," Harry exhaled in a daze. "I killed Rita Skeeter."

The awful smell restarted some part of his brain and Harry bellowed for Dobby.

"Master Harry! What happened?" the horrified elf asked.

"I stepped on a bug, but it wasn't just a bug."

"The naughty reporter lady was a bad bug lady too?"

"Yeah. We're going to have to hide her body, but I don't know how we're going to deal with this mess."