Chapter 130: Shizun, I've Crossed Five Years To Come See You

>>self harm

Chu Wanning's breathing was a little heavy, and his throat a little dry.

He refused to give in just like that, and opted instead for being difficult.

Holding down the fire raging in his chest, he asked, mild as ever, "For as long as you live?" "For as long as I live." "…I might walk very fast, with no regard for you." "That's alright, I'll chase after you."   "I might not want to walk anymore and just stand there." "I'll stand with Shizun."   Agitated by his unhesitating answer, Chu Wanning swept his sleeves and said, "Then what if I just can't walk anymore?" "Then I'll carry[1] you." Chu Wanning: "..." Mo Ran paused, realizing that that might have been a little disrespectful,

rude even. Eyes widening, he hurriedly waved his hand and amended, "I'll carry you on my back."   Chu Wanning's heart beat faster and faster, and it took everything he had to hold back the urge to help this man up, to touch him. He furrowed his brows at this urge, looking anxious and a bit cross. "Who wants to be carried by you." Mo Ran opened his mouth, but didn't know what to say.

His shizun was just difficult like that—didn't wanna be carried on his back or in his arms; it wasn't like he could carry him lifted up over his head, and he certainly couldn't drag him on the ground. He felt like he was too dumb to figure out how to make Chu Wanning happy.

At a loss, his head drooped, like an abandoned stray dog.

He muttered in a small voice, "Then I'll stop walking too." "..." "If you want to get rained on, then I'll keep you company through that too." Chu Wanning was at his wit's end from this relentless onslaught. He was so used to doing everything by himself that he blurted out without thinking, "I don't want your company."   Mo Ran finally stopped talking. From where he was standing, Chu Wanning could only see his wide forehead, dark eyebrows, and a pair of long eyelashes that were downcast and quivering slightly, like curtains rising and falling in the wind.

"Shizun…" Mo Ran had misunderstood the feelings behind Chu Wanning's agitated refusal. He asked, "Are you still mad at me…?" Drowning helplessly in the pounding of his own heart, Chu Wanning didn't quite catch what he said, and so only replied, "What?" "Back in the Underworld, I already apologized to Shizun, many, many times,

but I know it's not enough. I spent every moment of these past five years feeling guilty, I know I owe you." Chu Wanning: "..."   "I want to do better too, so that I won't feel too dirty to stand before you, so that I'll at least be able to lift my head in front of you. But I...I can't catch up to you...every day when I wake up I worry if I was dreaming, that you'll be gone if I were to wake up from the dream. I keep hearing the words you'd said at Jincheng Lake when you were saving me, that the most wonderful dreams are rarely ever real, and then I just…I just get so sad…"   Mo Ran's voice grew a little hoarse.

He still had some things to say, but he didn't want to say them. He didn't feel like he had any right to keep talking about these things in front of Chu Wanning,

didn't have the heart to let Chu Wanning know what had happened in these last five years.

    Sometimes...all alone in the Snow Valley, he couldn't tell what day it was, or even where he was. He'd prick himself with a needle then, again and again between the joints of his fingers. It hurt, but that was how he could tell that he was still conscious, still alive.

That was how he could tell that he wasn't still in his previous life, dreaming all of this up. That when he woke up it wouldn't be to a Sisheng Peak stripped of all familiarity, a Xue Meng with eyes full of hate, and a Rufeng Sect that had been demolished to the ground. That if he were to go to the Red Lotus Pavilion,

he wouldn't see Chu Wanning lying there, looking as if he were still alive.

As if he were still alive, as if he were still alive.

Which words could hurt more than these.

It was strange, now that he thought about it—when he'd found out that Chu Wanning had died to save him, and when he'd gone down to the Underworld on that rescue mission, his heart had ached then, but not with the kind of irrepressible despair that he felt now.

But as time went by, day after day.

As it came closer and closer to the time for Chu Wanning's awakening, Mo Ran only felt the pain growing worse, like there was a knife cutting into his heart.

Maybe it was because he had too much time to think in those days he spent alone, or maybe it was because, during that time without Chu Wanning, he had tried so desperately, even hysterically, to imitate that person, to the extent that he wanted to tear himself apart entirely to reassemble into Chu Wanning's form.

Whatever the reason, many things that he had never really paid attention to or thought about, things that he had gradually forgotten, all of it resurfaced in his mind. Those things of the bygone past were like waterlogged shoals exposed in the wake of the retreating tide, and he stood all alone at the shore, but the waves were already gone.

He could see it all so clearly now.

He thought about the past life, surrounded by the beacons of war on all sides, at the end of his road.

Xue Meng had come to Sisheng Peak, and in a Wushan Palace changed beyond recognition, Xue Meng had interrogated him with tears in his eyes.

Demanded to know, why had he done this to his own shizun.

Xue Meng had tried to force him then, force him to turn back before death —— He had said, Mo Ran.

Think back properly. Let go of your vicious hatred. Look back.

He once trained you in cultivation and martial arts, and made sure to protect you.

He once taught you how to read and write, taught you poetry and painting.

He once learned how to cook just for you, even though he was so clumsy and got cuts all over his hands.

He once… He once waited every day for you to come home, all alone by himself, from nightfall...til the break of dawn...

Mo Ran hadn't listened back then, had refused to look.

Now he stood at the coast of fate, where the tide had receded, and when he looked down, there was a lost heart under his foot, a heart that had once been so good to him, so genuine to him that it had nearly driven itself to death.

But he had been so set in his ways that he had seen none of that as he'd trod it underfoot.

He had trod Chu Wanning's very heart underfoot just like that!

A chill ran through Mo Ran's body whenever he thought about it. What had he done…just what had he done? Two lifetimes, sixteen years, had he ever repaid Chu Wanning's kindness? Had he ever, even just for one day, put Chu Wanning first in his heart?!

Damn beast!!!

Was his heart made of stone before? How else could it have not hurt?!

These past five years, how many times had he dreamt of Chu Wanning's return, in robes white as snow, looking just the way he'd used to.

When he woke, the pillow would be wet. And every single day he would say,

Chu Wanning, Shizun, I'm sorry, I was wrong, I was wrong.

Every day he would say it, but it never lessened the guilt any.

Later on, when he'd seen the blooming flowers of spring, he would think of him, and when he'd seen the falling snows of winter, he would think of him as well.

Later on, every daybreak was golden like Chu Wanning's soul. Every nightfall was dark like Chu Wanning's eyes. Later on, every beam of white moonlight was like the snow on his sleeves, every rising sun was like the warmth in his eyes. Later on, he'd seen Chu Wanning's silhouette in the vermillion clouds by the horizon, in the cerulean light of dawn, in the surging, billowing clouds.

He was everywhere.

Because of this anguish and yearning that he'd felt, he'd gradually grown less resentful about being low-born, gradually felt less strongly about his nearly fanatical adoration of Shi Mei.

One day, outside Snow Valley, he had seen a snow-covered winter jasmine growing out of a crack in the wall.

He had gazed at it quietly for a while, thinking the same thing he always did.

He had thought, ah, what a pretty flower, Shizun would definitely like it if he could see.

    It had been such a cursory thought, about the simplest, most casual and unimportant little thing.

But between one breath and the next, all the sorrows that hadn't managed to drive him out of his mind and force him to his knees back when Chu Wanning had died suddenly rushed toward him all at once. The saying went that a thousand-mile long levee would be destroyed by mere ant tunnels—he broke down all of a sudden.

He bawled miserably, startling geese into flight from the depths of the valley.

His cries were hoarse and ugly, a disgrace to the golden blossom that was blooming despite the snow.

It had been five years.

But he had never once forgiven himself.

"Shizun…sorry…I really tried my best to make it back in time today, and even had a present for you so that I wouldn't be empty-handed when I saw you…" The forced composure finally faded, the feigned ease finally collapsed.

Kneeling in front of Chu Wanning, Mo Ran finally fell apart; truth be told, it was only in front of Chu Wanning that the Mo Ran of today would let himself fall apart like this.

"I'm…still really stupid. I couldn't even manage the first thing I promised you after your revival. It's my fault." Chu Wanning could hardly bear to see him like this. He had always adored Mo Ran, and now that they had finally been reunited after such a long time apart, of course he didn't have the heart to watch him be so miserable.

But hearing his words, Chu Wanning hesitated before asking, "Why didn't you get back in time today?" "There actually…was enough time to make it back. But I ran into some fiends making trouble at Butterfly Town, so I…" "Got held up clearing them out?" "Sorry." Mo Ran kept his head down. "Not only did I get held up, but even the present I had prepared for Shizun got destroyed…and I also got blood splattered all over myself, so I rushed here to wash it off, only to…" Chu Wanning could feel his heart going soft.

Mo-zongshi.

This Mo Ran was indeed nothing like how he used to be five years ago.

The Mo Ran of five years ago had been a selfish brat, but now he knew the weight of things. Chu Wanning wasn't one to obsess over things like festivities and indulgences; in fact, if Mo Ran had seen the demon problem at Butterfly Town and had chosen to ignore it, Chu Wanning would've been furious with him.

But looking at this man kneeling before himself now, all honesty and clumsiness as he asked for forgiveness, Chu Wanning instead found him to be so dumb it was kind of cute.

Chu Wanning stepped forward slowly, a warm feeling flowing in his heart. He reached out and was just about to help Mo Ran up when he heard him mutter,

"Shizun, please don't kick me out from the sect." Now it was Chu Wanning's turn to be taken aback. He didn't know the depth of Mo Ran's guilt and remorse, so he hadn't expected Mo Ran to say something like that. Hesitatingly, he said, "What…" "Even if you don't want me to stay with you or chase after you when it rains,

even if you don't want me to carry you, even if you don't want any of that, even still, please don't kick me out." Mo Ran finally lifted his head. Chu Wanning's heart tremored.

He saw the faint redness in the rims of his eyes, and the way his eyes were a little watery.

Chu Wanning was usually firm and decisive, but now he found himself at a complete loss. "You… you're twenty-two already, why are you still…" He paused and let out a long sigh, then said, "Get up first." Lifting an arm to rub forcefully at his eyes, Mo Ran said stubbornly, "I'm not getting up if Shizun doesn't want me." …Still a scoundrel, alright!

Chu Wanning could feel a headache coming on. Lips pressed into a thin line,

he grabbed Mo Ran by the wrist and hauled him up.

But the moment the tips of his fingers made contact, all he could feel was the strength in those muscles and the heat of his skin. The firm body of this young man was also nothing like how it had been when he was younger. Just one touch made Chu Wanning's heart pound right out of his chest, and he let go abruptly, caught off guard.

Luckily Mo Ran was currently too distraught to notice Chu Wanning's strange behavior. But Chu Wanning stared at his own hand in disbelief for a moment while bewilderment raged within.

Just what…was wrong with him?

Had the five years of slumber undone all the asceticism and reservations he had?

But then, looking up at Mo Ran with astonishment…

Or was it because this person in front of him had really changed too much,

so much so that it made it hard for him to control himself?

Mo Ran worried his lip for a bit, then seemed to make up his mind to be obstinate about it, to be so obstinate that he couldn't even be kicked out. "Please don't kick me out, Shizun." He made to kneel back down as he spoke.

How could Chu Wanning possibly risk having to help him up a second time?

He hurriedly stopped him with a stern, "Don't you kneel again! I'll really toss you out if you do!"   "..." Mo Ran paused and blinked, and then suddenly figured it out. Eyes lighting up, he said, "Shizun, you aren't blaming me…you're not mad cause I didn't make it back for the banquet? You…" Chu Wanning snapped, "Have I ever been that petty?" Mo Ran excitedly tried to hug him. Chu Wanning was spooked to say the least, hastily taking a step back and scolding with a frown, "What do you think you're doing? Where's your propriety?" "Ah." Realizing his mistake, Mo Ran apologized in a hurry, "Sorry sorry, I forgot myself for a minute." The tips of Chu Wanning's ears were bright red even as he tried to play it cool. "Already in your twenties and still don't know your manners." The tips of Mo Ran's ears turned red as well as he mumbled, "It was my bad."   "It was my bad" was practically his catchphrase at this point. Hearing him say it, Chu Wanning felt a little mad, a little amused, a little pitying, and a little warm.

Eyelashes flickering upward, he secretly stole another glance at Mo Ran from the corners of his eyes.

He saw a tall, handsome man with sun-kissed skin; perhaps it was because of the lingering steam from the hot spring, or perhaps it was due to something else altogether, but his cheeks were a little flushed and a little warm, and he seemed to practically glow with the vibrancy of youth, so bright as to vaporize the steam in the air, making that pair of dark, shining eyes seem all the brighter.

Ba-dump.

Chu Wanning felt his own heart thud against his ribcage, and the tips of his fingers felt as if they were on fire again, like earlier when he had touched Mo Ran. His throat was suddenly incredibly dry, and he dared not look at Mo Ran again as he muttered, "Idiot," and turned to leave.

But the barrier above him didn't even shift—Mo Ran really did chase after him, just like he had promised.

Chu Wanning dropped his eyelids and didn't dare look back, well aware that he could no longer hide the love and desire in his eyes, just as it was impossible to cover up the burning at his fingertips.

He had finally ruined him.

This man had done everything that the Mo Ran of five years ago couldn't,

had taken his heart and drowned him in the ocean of lust[2].

Henceforth Chu Wanning would be a mere mortal, with a body of flesh and a soul defenseless against desire, trapped in the web, unable to escape.

Author's Notes:

Mini Theatre "Shizun's Back-to-School Quiz"  

Chu Wan Ning: Come, let's play a round of Trivial Pursuit. Don't worry, these are all easy questions you can score on.

Dog: Okokok!

 Chu Wan Ning: How many petals does haitang have?

Dog: Five!

Chu Wan Ning: What species of haitang are the ones in Red Lotus Pavilion?

Dog: Midget crabapple!

Chu Wan Ning: Shi Mei's height?

Dog: 183cm!

Chu Wan Ning: Xue Meng's height?

Dog: Hahaha, 178cm.

Xue Meng: ...ffs, what's so funny?

Chu Wan Ning: Your height?

Dog: Hahahahahahaha 189cm!

Xu Meng: Oh.

Chu Wan Ning: My height?

Mo Ran: 1…*cough*, 8.1m

Chu Wan Ning: Adequate, you passed the test, I won't kick you out from under my tutelage.  

[1] "carry" here is definitely the in-the-arms kind

[2] "Ocean of lust" here is a Buddhist term, referring to worldly desires. Buddhist teaching goes that desires lead one astray from their base nature and cause them to sink into the ocean of life and death