A Girl Like XXX - 3

Ever since then, I sometimes ran into Aotsuki-san at that very public park. Despite me saying that I wouldn't try to get involved with her, the second I spot her, I find myself contradicting this, and calling out to her. Leaving aside the classroom with eyes everywhere, if it's at this empty park, the hurdle to call out to her is much lower. Though I'm sure that I was just one-sidedly bothering her by doing so.

What surprised me the most is that—although she never showed a smile or anything like that—she always properly responded when I struck up a conversation. It's almost like, deep down beneath all her cold words, she longed to have someone to talk to.

—This time continued all the way through the first term, and even after we entered summer break. Whenever I went home after playing with the guys from class, or on my way home from the train station, I always passed by that park anyway. The same goes for Aotsuki-san, because she always sat on the swing at the same time of the day, as if she was waiting for me.

"Although it's already late, being outside is still pretty hot. You'll get a heatstroke like that."

"Shut up."

"Can't you just go somewhere where it's a lot cooler than here?" "Mind your own business. I do go to the library during the day." "I see…But, please be careful of your own condition, okay?"

"..." Aotsuki-san stayed silent, and just looked up at me, who stood in front of the swing. "…Say."

"Hm?"

"Why do you bother with me?"

"Why…?"

Because I saw you cry like that. Because seeing you all alone like that reminded me of my past self. Because you are the same as me right now, hiding your true feelings. That's why I grew conscious of you, and couldn't leave you alone? No, of course not.

When it's Aotsuki-san, I can talk to her without having to worry about myself. Unlike Gami, and the other guys high up in the school caste, I don't need to be careful of spoiling Aotsuki-san's mood. Even if I was hated by her, my position in the school caste won't change. Not to mention that Aotsuki-san only acts sharp and cold on the outside.

However, she's not particularly harsh or anything, and if I just think 'She's the same way towards anyone', then it doesn't even hurt. What I'm really afraid of is for everyone to look at me in contempt. That's why spending time with her feels so comfortable. Much much more so than with my 'friends' at school. But, there's no way I could say that. I don't have the right to, because as soon as I'm back inside this secluded box called classroom, I treat her the same way as everyone else does.

"I mean, we're classmates, so isn't that the normal thing to do?" That's why I smiled like I always would in class, speaking innocently.

"..." Aotsuki-san stayed silent for a moment, only to slowly open her mouth. "."

It was so straightforward, I could only show a wry smile. However, do my surprise, she didn't sound like she was looking down at me. Instead, the gaze in her eyes relaxed a bit.

"…It's nothing, just forget it. It's no good after all…"

What exactly is no good? Well, Aotsuki-san speaking in riddles is nothing new, so I didn't bother questioning that.

"Anyway, I've said this many times before, but don't bother with me. You have a lot of friends, Yafune-kun, so you don't need to spend time with me."

"…Well, it's true that I do have a lot of people I can call friends."

But, I can only call them friends. It's nothing more than a name, a relationship barely scraping the surface. People that I can't show any opening, any hint of what I truly like, aren't what you call friends. Even so, Aotsuki-san believes that I have a lot of friends. The virtual image and reality are completely different in terms of warmth, it makes me want to taste reality some more.

"Hey, Aotsuki-san." "What?"

"Do you hate me?" "..."

"Eh, you're ignoring me now? Come on, say something~ Lol." "…."

"Yup. I knew you'd say that. I'm glad." "…What do you want to say?"

As the polar opposite of Aotsuki-san's cold gaze, I just showed her a warm smile.

"Just as you said, I'm an idiotic human."

Hiding my true self, decorating myself with beautiful lies. I don't plan on changing my way of living like this, but being liked for the fake me that I was made me feel disgusted.

—For a brief second,my memories of the sports festival of my second year in middle school filled my head. From far, far away, I was watching a classmate of mine, who was about to break out in tears. Since remembering this scene alone made me feel like puking right this instant, I put a lid on these memories to forcefully cut them off, and focussed only on the eyes in front of

me. Aotsuki-san called me an idiot. And, I agree.

"That's why, no matter what everyone else feels about [Me], Aotsuki-san, I want you to…"

I didn't know what I was thinking myself. Maybe the summer heat made my head melt. Summer season just makes people crazy. It's hot, it's humid, and the cicadas sound like they're chanting a spell, the shadows are dragging along the ground, and I never even got to drink the symbol of summer, some ramune from a nearby sweets shop.

Summer is the season that clearly splits normies and loners. That's why my thoughts are going crazy. Despite being a loner, I try to act like a normie. I'm sure that the reason I'm saying this is because of this summer.

"Only you, Aotsuki-san. I want you to never act affectionate towards [Me]."

Aotsuki-san blinked two times. Her glass marble eyes looked at me in confusion.

"…Act affectionate?" Aotsuki-san tilted her head in confusion.

Rather than not understanding the words I used, it seemed more as if she thought of my choice of words as odd.

"—Nevermind, just forget about it." "Hey, don't act like a coward now."

"Didn't you use the exact same excuse before?"

"..." Aotsuki-san grew silent, but eventually raised her head to look up at me again. "Yafune-kun…Do you hate yourself?" Her voice sounded like she was touching the softest parts inside of me.

I regained my senses, telling myself that her stepping further any more than this would be too dangerous. I already showed too much of myself. Even though I just have just acted like usual, giving a careless 'I was just joking~', these unnecessary words came out instead. Hence, all I could was hide my

mistakes by showing a cheerful smile.

"Anyway, I'll be going now. Make sure to not stay out too late, Aotsuki-san."

I turned my back towards her, and while feeling the sweat build on my body with every breath, I walked down the street on this summer night. In reality, I don't have the personality that would make me well-liked with others. Of course, I'm just acting the normie, so being liked for a fake personality would be troublesome, but going all 'I want to be loved for who I am!' and changing my life yet again is utterly ridiculous. Every single person this world lives their lives while hiding their weak selves. And yet, I wonder why.

She's the one person I don't want to come to like this fake me, who is just forcing out a fake smile. Well, it's probably the summer's fault. You moron, summer!

*

"…I'm home."

Despite me saying these words, I knew right away that no 'Welcome back' would greet me. So why am I even saying that in the first place? Maybe I'm just expecting something. In the living room, Dad, Mom, and even my younger brother were having fun enjoying a conversation. I already ate sandwiches for today's dinner at the public park, so I just headed straight to my bed, collapsing on the bed. Since looking up at the ceiling would only make me feel more horrible, I opened up my paperback book.

However, the page I had opened was the scene where the heroine confessed to the protagonist. I bought it because it's a popular mystery novel, but why does it have to have romance elements as well. I let out a sigh, and ran my eyes along the words on the paper.

Like. Love. Stay with me forever. These words were lumps of sugar, an onparade of words like sweetness in shape. To me, all of these words hold no meaning…However, today, merely on a whim, I felt like using these words. It was just because of my mood…Because of everything Yafune-kun just said, they caught my attention.

After breathing in and mentally preparing myself, I read out the words exactly as they were written in the book.

">I hate you<…>Disappear<…>Don't ever get too close to me<…"

All these small confessions turned into harsh words and insults, vanishing in utter silence.

"Yeah, I figured as much."

In the end, I repeated the same words I said in front of Yafune-kun, so I closed the book in resignation. I can't even whisper these words of love. After all, I was cursed. And, surely nobody would believe such an idiotic story even if I told them. When I was still a young child, I told a certain wish of mine to a 'Witch'. As the compensation for that, my 'Honest words of affection' were sealed off. Whenever I try to give any kind of positive affection towards anybody, they end up as the 'opposite'. Namely, I like you turns to >I hate you<. When I say 'Stay with me', it turns to >Stay away from me<.

The stronger my feelings are, the stronger of the opposite comes out of my mouth, and there's nothing I can do about it. When I try to reverse that, and immediately say 'I hate you', nothing happens, so there's no meaning to going against it. Of course, I can't say 'I like you', but saying 'I don't like you' still works.

I tried writing it on paper, or sending messages, but the result is entirely the same. That's why I don't have any way of expressing my positive affection for anybody. Of course, that includes love towards family, and friendship… Or rather, I don't have any way of testing out 'romantic love'. Never had a lover after all.

Either way, so that I don't hurt people because of my disposition, I made it a habit to not deal with other people as soon as I started attending high school. Despite me staying silent, there were a lot of people still trying to talk to me. I still can't forget about that day a month ago, when some girls in my class, as well as Yafune-kun, asked me to lend them my notes. There, I tried to sound as cold and unbearable as possible so that they wouldn't try to deal

with me again.

…However, I went too far. I clearly took it one step too far. Remembering this event, shame and self-hate started to rise up inside of me, and I forcefully buried my face in my pillow.

I'm sorry. Both to you Yafune-kun, and these girls as well, I'm really sorry… Not to mention that I started talking with Yafune-kun more, and it became really apparent that he wasn't actually asking for my notes, and instead just wanted to help me…Why am I always like this? Even if I can't openly show my affection, there must be other ways besides hurting people.

Even so, because I tried to distance myself from others, once somebody actually talks to me, I just tense up, and these cruel words just start gushing out of my mouth. Not to mention that an 'honest apology' is seen as 'honest affection', which is why I can't even say I'm sorry or my bad, providing any kind of follow-up. It'll just turn into >I won't apologize< or >I'm not at fault< after aell.

That's right, 'honest affection' is very vague when it comes to being safe and being out. With the risks being too high, even words in the grey area are too dangerous to use.

—If only everybody would just ignore me from the very beginning. Then, I wouldn't have to hurt anybody, and could just resign myself. In order not to make anybody else suffer, I should stay secluded. I know that this is the best possible method, and yet—I want friends, and someone to talk to.

To think that Yafune-kun saw me crying in loneliness back then…He's very popular. There's always people around him, and someone I can't easily talk to at school. Even so, when it's that park at night, he would talk with me.

Because I could never talk with anybody, I just got so happy…and despite me knowing that I shouldn't be with him, I just answered his questions and conversations.

I knew that I could have just tried to avoid that park to resolve everything, but my legs just naturally carried me there. In fact, it's fun. Only this time holds a different color compared to my usual dull and cold daily life. But, it's

no good after all. Even today, when I wanted to say 'Thank you', I couldn't. My words ended up twisted, as only a fake >So idiotic< came out. Even when he asked me if I hated him, I wanted to say 'Of course not', but it turned into >Of course<.

"…But."

While reminiscing about these events, I gazed up at the ceiling. Back then, when I asked him why he was still dealing with me…It felt like Yafune-kun wanted to say something else. I doubt he holds such special circumstances like I do, but…When it's just the two of us talking, the atmosphere around him is different compared to how he usually acts in the classroom.

The reason why he's talking to me like that…I don't think it's solely out of kindness so that I wouldn't be all alone. But, I still don't get what his reason for that might be…

—'Yafune-kun, do you hate yourself?'

When I asked him that, he gave me no response. However, staying silent with such a question in the room is basically the same as affirming it. Not to mention that he gave me a 'I'm glad' when I responded 'Of course' to his question of if I hated him. It's almost like he feels relief at the fact that the people around him hate him as much as he himself does.

I wonder why. He's so cheerful, kind, and popular with everyone…Maybe Yafune-kun isn't the type of person the people around him make him out to be. He might be hiding something behind his gentle face, or he might be twisted in some way. But, that doesn't matter. These kind words directed at me, I don't care if they're fake. It doesn't change that they made me happy. Not to mention that I also hide an important part of myself. I stay the way I am without telling people.

Having been cursed, I shouldn't deal with other people, let alone come to love them. Being alone is lonely for sure, but I deserve this curse, so I've come to terms with this curse, and accepted it. But…even so, I want to talk more with Yafune-kun.

No matter what kind of person you may be, I want to give you my gratitude. I don't think that my words could change anything, but if I could only become a small portion of your strength…then I want to do something for you, Yafune-kun. Because I felt happy when he called out to me when I was crying. I was delighted. I felt my heart warm up. That's why I want to give something back to him.

But, how should I do that. Even with all the effort in the world, nothing will work out. After all, with the power of magic, I was cursed…Of course, I won't be as greedy as to wish for this curse to disappear. Just once…once is fine, I want to tell him that I don't hate him at all.

With conflicted feelings, I tightly embraced my chest. But, wait a second? Didn't he say something to me? 'Only you, Aotsuki-san. I want you to never act affectionate towards [Me]', is what he said to me, right? It's quite rare to hear such a choice of words from him. That's why it felt like something painful was deeply rooted inside his chest, which had me feeling gloomy and uncertain. Even more so because I don't know what this 'something' was.

Not wanting me to be affectionate is basically the same as not wanting me to fall in love with him, right? Maybe he's trying to say that I'm not his type at all, which is why I shouldn't even see him as a potential love interest? I couldn't blame him for that, but I feel like there's a different nuance in there. Maybe this is also related to this self-hate of his, something I shouldn't be looking into too deeply. Since I'm like this, I can understand why you would feel that way.

But, unlike me, you don't have any reason to hate yourself. It's not like I know everything about you, but I can tell that, deep down, you're very kind. In reality, I don't hate you at all…Not in the slightest. That's why, I want to tell you how wonderful you are—

"…I couldn't even act all affectionate even if I wanted to, idiot."