The Me That Is Watching You Isn’t Really Me - 3

He must have been embarrassed, because he quickly left the classroom. I wasn't even making fun of him. Though, I'm in my normie character right now, so it makes sense that he'd be terrified.

"Is that some kind of moe nonsense? Gross."

—Hearing Sakana's voice behind my back, I suddenly felt a rush of cold fill me.

"I can't deal with that. But, unpopular guys can only use 2D material to get off, right. I kinda feel bad." When I turned around, Sakan kept up his idol face that made him popular with the girls, grinning to himself.

He's fine with making fun of them, because liking something worthless like that is disgusting. That's the kind of label we're dealing with here. What's that about? He's working his hardest for the sake of something, so why does he have to be looked down on just because he likes manga, or moe? Why is it accepted to make fun of something or someone just because you think it's gross? This shit is fucked up.

Why are you of all people allowed to be in the center of the class, living the good life, while others need to be considerate and mindful of you all the time. Who decides the school caste, who's above and below, huh?

I could feel the fury build up inside of me. Even so, saying anything has nothing but demerits for me. Since we need a role for the prince at the stage play, starting a fight with him isn't the wisest decision. And even without that, making an enemy out of someone as popular as him, I'd only get hurt in

the process. That's why I agreed with him, and opened my mouth to say 'Yeah, it really is gross, lol', but Sakana continued before that.

"Drawing some manga with large-eyed girls, isn't that pretty sad? If he's got the time, why not work on his hairstyle, and style up a bit so that maybe he could get an actual girlfriend, lol."

Is that all your sorry ass cares about? He used up so much time to practice his drawings, and while studying, he perfected a work of his own. That's so amazing. Not something you could do that easily. So, why would he deserve to have his passion and hobby made fun of by someone like you? Who do you think you are? Are you that great of a person to make fun of someone else's efforts?

I honestly feel like punching you in the face, but I swallowed down my anger, and answered with a smile.

"Right, it's so funny, lol."

"Yeah. Ah, more importantly, I actually forgot my script, hehe. Yafune, do you have a copy?"

"I'll lend you mine. I already remember all my phrases."

"Thanks a bunch. You really are a good guy, Yafune. I'm glad we're friends~"

"Hell yeah~" We shared a high-five, and laughed.

At the same time, I felt a dark and disgusting sensation sink into my body from my fingertips. Despite not anything to retaliate, I still complain about him and his actions. Why am I acting like I'm so much better than him?

"…What's wrong, Yafune-kun? Are you not feeling well?"

Despite Sakana gratefully accepting to participate in our practice, I just couldn't get into it.

"…Sorry, I don't think today is a good day for me…"

"Ehh? I guess there's no meaning to practice then. I'll just go home~" The person who led me to end up like this acted without a worry in the world, and grabbed his back, leaving the classroom.

"…Are you…okay?" Aotsuki-san took a peek at my face, asking with a worried tone.

In the end, she's kind as always, but that makes it only hurt more.

"Maybe practicing after school each and every day is too much…? You don't have to force yourself…"

"No, that's not it. But, thanks for worrying about me."

"…N-Not really. It'd just be troublesome if you couldn't play your part." "Yeah, I know."

"..."

Even though I said that, Aotsuki-san's gaze felt like she was trying to emphasize that I don't understand it at all.

"U-Um." She tightly grasped her hand in front of her chest, and took a deep breath.

Almost as if she tried to gather courage, she slowly opened her mouth.

"I…um…can't really say it that well, but…" She closed the distance between us, looking directly up at me. "The reason I'm worried…isn't because it'd be bothersome if you couldn't play our part."

Stop. Just call it a bother. I don't want there to be any other reason.

"Yafune-kun, you called out to me back then…you lent me your strength, and always stayed with me…you always save me…So, that's why…um…" Her voice sunk deep inside of me, filling me with warmth.

And this warmth gave me the urge to puke. What happened? Aren't you

always cold and distant towards everybody? Don't look at me like that. Your kind words are nothing more than a sharp blade. When did I ever save you? I never saved anybody, never could save anybody. That's the kind of man I am, so don't get the wrong idea.

Poisonous feelings started to fill my body, burning strong with rage towards myself. There's no way that I could receive any kind of affection, not when I loathe myself this much. Even if it's not even love, just kindness is too much. That's why I spoke up. That's why I told you—that I definitely didn't want you to act affectionate towards me.

"…!"

Before I realized it, I had grabbed something small and minute. "Um…Yafune-kun?"

It was her white wrist. "Aotsuki-san."

It was so thin and fragile, I was worried that I might break it if I put any kind of strength into my grip.

"Aotsuki-san, you hate me, right?"

The outside of the window was red. It was the symbol of the late fall evening. Red…When I praised her clothes on the day we were shopping, and supported her body when she almost fell, her cheeks were red as well. I knew that. If anything, the way she was desperately trying to connect her words no matter what, I should have realized it already. And even so, I calmly continued.

"Please, say that you hate me."

My voice that I would always try to keep as warm and gentle as possible… now sounded cold, like a sharp pillar of ice. I could tell that Aotsuki-san was shaking just from her wrist alone. I thought about this before, but it all came back into my head yet again.

The people in this world are splitting everything into 'truth' and 'lie'. However, it's not just that. There exists feelings, reasons, circumstances, anything that isn't black or white, but actually grey. Because of that, this right now is both white, and black at the same time. I want her to hate me, I want her to call me disgusting. In order to hear these words, I kept blurting out words that alike vomit and excreta.

"Ever since this school year began, I felt like I was saved greatly because you were in my class, Aotsuki-san."

These words were simply meant to get me hated. But, they were my true feelings. No matter how disgusting they may be. In the end…

"I thought you were like a lighting rod."

Aotsuki-san didn't say anything. So, I just continued.

"Back in my second year in middle school, during our sports festival." This doesn't have anything to do with her.

"During the class battle…with the jump rope. We had that battle, and it's really easy to tell when somebody fails, because the rope gets caught on them. The other classmates always give them that 'Seriously?' look as well. Especially because the guy at the top of the school caste, the guy who's good at sports, said something unnecessary like 'Let's get first place together!'.

Not like you'd get money if you win, nor do your grades get better. If anything, I think that doing your best as a group is the most important."

I can still remember the time back then. It was a clear sky, with a fairly strong sunshine despite it being fall, and the scent of the sports grounds tickled my nose.

"Once you make it through twenty, the tension is just at its worst. Everybody would blame you. Why would you do such a discipline if it definitely ends up with one person getting bullied? I always thought to myself 'Please someone get caught on it already, someone who isn't me', and thankfully another boy

messed up, disrupting the flow. He was a really kind and gentle guy, and never bothered anybody, just sitting in the corner of the classroom as he read his book, not wanting to stand out at all. But, one of the girls was like 'Man, I really thought we could win that~' and started crying. Because of that, the atmosphere of the glass went down the drain. It's funny, right. The one who wanted to cry the most was that boy after all, but a boy isn't allowed to cry.

It's really not fair. And seriously, it was hell just watching from afar." Despite it being a cruel story, I laughed it off. "I could only watch, and not do anything."

You can't do to others what you would dislike being done to you. This is what my teacher in grade school told me. And yet…

"I should have known how agonizing it must be to be treated this coldly by everyone in class."

If I raised my voice to protect them, who would come protect me if I got bullied in the process? The only one who can protect me is myself.

"I never want to get back to that position I was once in, so I acted like I didn't see anything."

If I were covering for the guy who's the bullying victim of class, I'd be the next on their list. I was terrified of that, to the level where my fingertips grew cold, and I could not do anything.

"Until we turned into third-years and he ended up in a different class, he was always pushed away by the others. As for me, I was still popular, and continued my position until I graduated."

Yeah, that's right. Because I desperately tried to keep face, I was liked by everyone else. I can't save the people I wanted to save, talk about the things I like, so why am I being liked by other people? Even so, the fake [Me] was still more liked by the people around me, and that's the reality I was dealing with.

"—Enrolling at this high school, I was relieved because I sympathized with you."

Aotsuki-san has been staying quiet for a while now. But, I couldn't even look at her face.

"Because you're the enemy of the class, I can rest easy. Whenever someone talks badly about you, I'd nod along with a 'Yeah, she totally sucks~', and join in on the fun with everyone."

She really is like a lightning rod accepting all of the lighting. If you sacrifice one person in this classroom full of 31 people, then the other 30 can laugh in happiness. I knew that this logic was messed up, but so what?

"Don't you agree? It's not wise to make everybody my enemy like that. Everybody has their own complaints, but don't say it as to not stand out negatively. If you speak freely, it'll only hurt you. I don't have any obligation to help you."

A faint breeze shook the curtains. Ahh, the sky is so red.

"Also, in manga and other stuff, a beauty is almost always a perfect existence, but in reality, it'll only worsen the mood with one around. People around her just feel inferior all the time, and the boys all fall in love with the same girl, so it'll become like a circle crusher? In that case, you really helped me out. Even if the girls felt inferior to you, I could just say something like 'Even if she's cute, that kind of tone is just awful…', and they'd all cheer up immediately. It even works in the opposite way. By sympathising with you, I'd get plus points with the girls, being called kind and all that."

I wonder why I didn't get slapped yet. Oh right, because I'm holding onto her wrist.

"Do you get it? You might not be at fault here or anything, but I've been looking at you with profit and merit in mind. Even as we were talking in the park every day, I talked like this about you behind your back. I didn't want to be hated by anybody, you know. I just showed a good face, and did what was needed. In the end, I'm the exact opposite as you, Aotsuki-san."

She's not afraid of being hated. She doesn't try to approach people without any need. She's perfectly fine on her own, and can accomplish her goal like

that. She even said she would rock the entire stage play for the culture festival. From how I can see it, she's someone wonderful, which is why I can't help but hate myself even more.

"Aotsuki-san, until today, you only knew the kind and perfect [Me]. But, the real me is just a shitty bastard."

That's right, this is who I really am. I can't get the wrong idea. Being liked, being happy, I can't hope for something like that.

"That's why I definitely don't want you to act affectionate towards [Me]."

I want to be liked, but I also don't want to be liked. I want her to act affectionate towards me, but at the same time, I don't. They are both my honest feelings, and both lies at the same time. I'm that kind of a good-for- nothing.

—I can't even raise my head. So I stayed in that position, looking down at my uniform.

"Is that what you wanted to say?" Aotsuki-san gently brushed away my hand who grabbed on to her wrist.

And then, she gently embraced my head with both her arms. "…You really are an idiot."

I froze up like an old PC, and needed to take a few moments to even understand what just happened.

"…Why are you rubbing my head while insulting me?" "That makes it more unbearable for you, right?"

My face ended up buried in Aotsuki-san's chest, as she gently rubbed my head.

"It sounded like you regretted your way of living, and wanted to be reproached for it."

I don't get it. Why would she do such a thing? I don't understand. But, it feels warm.

"Yafune-kun, I…" While embracing me, Aotsuki-san spoke up, her voice tickling my ears. "I…am a very contrary person."

Is she? From my point of view, it feels like her way of living is quite straightforward.

"That's why I won't give you the words you want to hear."

The inside of my head was a mushy mess, I couldn't see the meaning behind her words. But, feeling her small hand run along my hair…it filled me with an almost uncontrollable urge to cry.

103                                Goldenagato | mp4directs.com

"…No, I'm trying my hardest to say the exact opposite." "…That makes no sense."

Not to mention that Aotsuki-san definitely can't understand everything I just blurted out. I never even told her that I was bullied a long time ago…Not like I'd told anybody else about that. Even so, I can tell that she's trying her hardest to accept it all, conveyed from her warmth enwrapping me. The desire to push her away dwells up inside of me. It makes me want to puke. I don't deserve any of this kindness.

"Aotsuki-san…you must hate that kind of man, right." A man so pathetic that he gives in to despair all the time. "…You're not as clever as you think you are." "…That's pretty harsh."

"You really are a big idiot." Without answering my question, she just muttered these words.

I could hear her heart racing inside her chest.

"You have the wrong idea about me. You're just helpless." "…You think so?"

"I do think so. So, don't get the wrong idea…"

Even though she didn't say anything affirmative, anything positive about me…I wonder why. Deep inside of me, it felt like I was forgiven, and the fragment that stabbed me in my chest changed into tears falling down my eyes.

"S-Sorry." Worried that I would drench her uniform, I raised my head. "I'm so sorry. Something went wrong inside my head."

"…Don't worry about it. You were probably just tired? It's my fault because

I forced you through all this practicing."

I finally managed to look at her face, but found no trace of the expected anger or contempt.

"Anyway, go home for today, and get some good rest." "Y-Yeah."

Despite everything I said, she's acting like nothing happened, and treated me as she always would...Why? Why is she like this?

"Once you're back to normal, we can continue our practice tomorrow." "…You really seem motivated, Aotsuki-san."

"…Yeah." She observed the sky outside, and muttered something. "I'll fulfill my goal…and then tell you everything."