May There Be a Good Match for This Noble Daughter!

1

"Hey, Aqua. I'm kind of getting tired of saying this all the time—move it. Since

Darkness isn't home yet, we still can't go on quests. I'm going to work on the

blueprints for the item I want to sell in Wiz's shop, so make some room."

Aqua, as ever, had claimed the couch in front of the fireplace and curled up

on it. She regarded me coldly.

"What are you so upset about? You've been so prickly lately with Darkness

not coming home… You know, when Megumin used to challenge that Yunyun

girl, she always said everything has its price. Meaning, if you want me to give up

this spot, you have to give me something I want in return. Like, say…"

She stopped for a moment as if mulling it over. Then she said, "O you who

would dwell in the place of the gods… Present me with some classy wine. Only

then shall I let this warm light shine upon this wandering NEET…"

Maybe I'll just smack her.

Stupid Megumin, teaching her to say something like that.

"Listen, you worthless goddess. If you can demand a drink first thing in the

morning, you can think of a plan. Why am I the only one doing all this work,

anyway? I'll figure out a way to cover the bill for Alderp's mansion, so you come

up with the money for the flood damage. Or maybe, if you have one apologetic

bone in your body, you can just get out of the way."

"You know, could you stop calling me names? 'Worthless goddess' or 'useless

goddess' or whatever? If you keep talking about me like I'm some fallen

creature, one day you might really get punished for it. Who knows? Maybe this

thing with Lord Alderp is actually payback because you don't have proper

respect for the gods. Maybe if you had an apologetic bone in your body, you'd

say, I'm sorry, my radiant lady Aqua, and offer me some expensive wine. Go on,

go buy it. I'll wai—"

"Steal!"

I stuck out my hand toward Aqua and intoned my skill as she spouted

nonsense from the sofa.

With a jangling sound, her purse appeared in my hand.

"Hey, what are you doing, you thief? You criminal! I should turn you over to

the police! If they found out about this, you'd never prove your innocence!

Eeek, criminal! What, you wanted money to buy wine? Of course, I meant buy it

with your own mon—"

"Steal!"

I intoned my skill again over Aqua's babbling.

One of her socks appeared in my hand.

Aqua stuck out the toes of her now bare foot and wiggled them vigorously at

me as if in defiance.

"What are you doing? It's cold. Give me back my sock, you weirdo. If you

don't give it back right now, I'll call the police and tell them someone is holding

my sock and panting. If you understand—"

"Steal!"

What did Aqua even have this for?

In my outstretched palm was some kind of seed.

Her expression turned very uncomfortable.

"H-hey, Kazuma, your cheap prank really isn't very funny. I admit I went a

little too far. I see that now. So let's just say sorry to each other and make up,

okay?"

"Steal!"

Aqua's other sock teleported to my hand. I tossed it on the carpet.

"I'm going to make some money. Give me that feather mantle—your 'divine

raiment' or whatever you call it. I'm going to sell it. If you don't want me to just

strip it off you, go in the other room and change by yourself… Who am I

kidding? You'll never agree to that. I might as well just grab it."

I made sure she could see me flexing my fingers. Aqua scrunched up her face.

"What are you talking about? This feather mantle is my very identity as a

goddess—we can't possibly sell it! That's the most idiotic thing any idiot has

ever suggested in the history of idiocy, and it's not funny!"

"Steal!"

"Ahhh, Kazumaaa! My dear Kazuma! I was wrong to act all high and mighty! I

was wrong! So stop! Please stop!"

Several minutes later…

"Aww…hic…sniff…hrrrgh…"

Aqua sat on the couch, her knees in her chest and her face in her knees,

sobbing.

She was wearing…

Well, other than the two socks she was missing, the same outfit she normally

wore.

"D-damn. Why would my Luck fail me at a time like this? What do you do with

all this junk anyway?"

At my feet was a mountain of worthless items.

Seeds, cups, glass beads… Did she use them all for party tricks? It looked like

some kid had turned their pockets out on the carpet.

Damn. Thanks to Aqua and all the crap she was carrying, I'd used up way

more magic than I'd meant to.

"At it so early again? What is going on?" Megumin came in dressed as if for a

quest and spotted me standing in front of the weeping Aqua.

"Hic… Kazuma… He said he would sell…sell my clothes to pay our debt! He

tried to…to take them from me!"

"H-hey, shut up already! You want people to get the wrong idea?! I-I'm sorry.

I apologize, too, so—don't look at me like that, Megumin! I was just going to sell

her equipment!"

So Aqua was crying and Megumin was eyeing me with contempt. Just another

morning.

"Th-this is bad! Kazuma, it's awful!"

The peaceful atmosphere shattered when a beautiful young woman came

dashing in.

She wore an expensive-looking white dress that formed the very picture of

purity and white high heels, and her long, lovely golden hair had been woven

into a braid that hung over one shoulder. She looked like a runaway daughter

from some noble's household.

For all the purity of her clothing, though, she couldn't hide the eroticism of

her body.

But I'd never seen her before. How did she know my name?

"…Who are you?"

"Hrr—! Hrk! Kazuma! This isn't the time for games! I appreciate your attempt

at play, but save it for later, please!"

The no-good nonsense spouting from this beautiful woman as her cheeks

turned red made everything clear.

"Geez, Darkness, is that you? We were so worried—you're finally back!"

My words distracted Aqua from her sniveling long enough to exclaim,

"Waaaah! Darkness! Kazumaaa! Kazuma, he—he tried to strip me! He was

going to sell my most prized possession—!"

"I told you not to put it that way! What are people going to think?!"

As Aqua and I argued, Megumin turned to our Crusader and said, "Welcome

home, Darkness. I won't ask what happened. Please, start with a nice bath.

Relax your body and mind."

"A…a bath? What in the world are you talking about, Megumin? For that

matter, what is Aqua talking about? That unique kind of play sounds rather

interesting…"

Darkness stood there in her dress, stealing glances at Aqua and me and

muttering.

"You're probably tired," I said. "Just take it easy for today. You're finally back;

that's enough for us. Take a warm bath and have a good cry."

"Will someone please tell me what is going on? Why do you all think I need to

cry? Why do I have to take a bath? …What is it, Aqua? Why are you pulling on

my sleeve?"

Aqua's tears had dried up, and she was tugging at the white dress as if trying

to figure out what it was made of.

"No doubt this is some high-class clothing. Definitely the sort of thing a lord

would give as compensation."

"Darkness," I said earnestly, "you really did a good job this time. Putting

yourself through all that to save me…"

"Idiot! I don't know what any of you are thinking! Lord Alderp didn't do

anything untoward to me, and this is my dress. What, did you think I wasn't

able to come home because Lord Alderp was having his way with me all this

time?!"

"Well, sure we did. We figured you'd be in pretty dire straits right about now.

But wait… If that dress didn't come from him, where'd you get something so

expensive? You said it's yours. Do you do princess cosplay? Are you trying to

pioneer some new genre?"

"I am not! Th-this isn't cosplay! I am sorry to have worried you. That lord

doesn't have the guts to do anything indecent to me. But that's not important

now. Look at this!"

Darkness thrust a sort of photo album at me.

Well, not so much an album…

"What's this? Huh? Who's the hot dude? Ooh, I hate guys like him!"

I unconsciously reached out toward the breezy-looking young guy and… Riiip…

"Huh?! What are you doing?! That's a matchmaking picture! If you do that, I

won't be able to refuse the meeting!"

Huh?!

"What? I'm sorry! My hand just kind of moved on its own… Wait,

matchmaking picture?!"

I gaped at her, dumbfounded, still holding the pieces.

"Yes! That underhanded Alderp! I said I would do any one thing he asked, but

that was because I knew my father would never stand for him requesting

anything inappropriate," she said with a groan.

"H-hang on, take a step back. Who is this guy? Anyway, I'd say being forced to

marry someone you don't want to is pretty inappropriate. What's the

connection between Lord Alderp and the guy in this photo? And if you hate him

so much, why not just have your dad refuse? Here, I'll fix this tear. Aqua, sorry,

but could you bring me a little bit of rice?"

"Sure thing."

After Aqua pattered off, I urged the tearful Darkness to sit on the sofa, hoping

to calm her down.

"That's a photo of Alderp's son. That old dog, he knew he could never get

away with asking to marry me himself. But my father has a pretty high opinion

of his son. He's probably more in favor of this marriage than anyone else.

Although I don't understand why Lord Alderp would want to marry his son to

me…"

As she spoke, Darkness lowered herself onto the couch and looked at the

chaotic tabletop.

Aqua came back with the rice and sat next to Darkness, then took it upon

herself to begin repairing the picture. In another corner of the table from where

Aqua was working were the blueprints for the item I had devised for Wiz's shop.

Darkness picked them up and said with interest, "What's this? What a strange

thing you've drawn. What's it supposed to be?"

Megumin, putting on her boots in the foyer, responded, "We came up with

some schemes to make money in the time you were out, Darkness. That's a

useful device Kazuma designed. He plans to stock it in Wiz's store."

"Oh? You always did have good Luck, didn't you, Kazuma? You'd probably do

well in business."

"Yeah, good Luck. I've been having some serious doubts about that lately. If

my Luck's so good, shouldn't I have more helpful party members? Should I be

under a mountain of debt and getting involved in every stupid fight that comes

along? Shouldn't I have a better life?"

All three of them gave a start.

"I-I'm being married off because I covered for you! And not because I want

you to be indebted to me, but because I believe in party members helping each

other! I know I'm a lot of trouble most of the time, but it's just as natural for me

to help you like this!"

A single bead of sweat ran down Darkness's cheek as she made her case.

"A-and I am going to meet Yunyun now! And actually—yes! It is to brainstorm

ways to clear your name, Kazuma!"

This came from Megumin in the foyer, not quite able to look at us.

So that was why she'd been getting ready to go out.

"Welp, it looks like you two have Kazuma covered, so maybe I'll go clean the

toilet or something! I don't know why, I just feel like it needs it. Don't get up—

I'll handle it!"

And so our toilet goddess left off repairing the photo and practically ran out

of the room to go clean the john.

As everyone seemed about to go their separate ways, Darkness waved her

hand frantically to stop us and, nearly in tears, said, "Wh-what am I going to

do? I was… I was out all that time because I was trying to find some way to stop

this match, but it's proceeding further and further along. Actually, I came here

because…because the actual meeting is this afternoon. I'm out of time. I'm

really sorry, but could one of you come with me and help talk to my father?"

2

"…So let me see if I understand this correctly. Your father has always wanted

you to quit the dangerous work of adventuring, so he has tried to arrange

matches given the slightest chance. But you, Darkness, do not yet want to get

married, and have refused all such proposals." Megumin summarized as she

stood in the foyer with her boots on.

At the table, Aqua had resumed trying to repair the picture. As the one who

had damaged it, I had meant to fix it myself, but she seemed to be having fun

and, more importantly, to be doing a great job. So I decided to let her do what

she liked.

She sure had a lot of really random talents…

"…Ngh, that's right. Honestly, I'm happy living the way we are now. If we keep

adventuring like this, then one day I might become more widely known, and

then an evil Wizard or an agent of the Demon King might notice me, and then

he might take me helplessly prisoner and subject me to terrible torments. He'd

dream up something awful, I'm sure. He'd slap me in chains and manacles,

make me most unlike a lady…! N-nooo! Stoooop!"

"Maybe you really should get married and settle down." I took a step back

from Darkness, who was red-faced and sweaty from her own fantasy.

Twirling her staff, Megumin said with some bemusement, "I see. Normally

these meetings are your father's suggestion, so you can turn them down. But

this time, you've said you will do anything Lord Alderp asks, and he is a local

ruler, so you cannot refuse. But why should he take such a circuitous route to

get you? And why marry you to his son? A person of his station could get away

with taking you as a concubine by force, if he really wanted to."

Darkness looked at the ground. She put her hands together in front of her

chest and twiddled her thumbs for a moment before replying: "My… My real

name is Lalatina Ford Dustiness. I'm the daughter of a…a fairly substantial noble

house."

"What?!" we all exclaimed.

Our collective surprise caused a painful cloud to flit over Darkness's face. For

a second, she looked terribly lonely.

I guessed we weren't the first to have that reaction upon hearing her true

name.

"Dustiness…! You mean the Dustinesses who are supposed to practically run

the country?! They're not 'substantial,' they're huge! They're based in our

town?!"

(image Here)

Darkness responded quietly to Megumin's surprised yelp: "…Yes."

Aqua was next.

"What?! You mean if your family adopted me, I could spend all day, every day

in the lap of luxury?!"

Darkness, clearly not expecting this turn of the imagination, said hesitantly,

"Y-yes… I mean, wait. My family isn't looking for an adopted daughter right

now."

I, however, immediately latched on to the most important thing.

"Darkness… You're normally all Mm and I concur and serious Knight stuff. And

all this time you've had an adorable name like Lalatina?!"

"D-don't call me that…!" Lalatina shouted, her face red and her eyes

brimming with tears.

Megumin finally unfroze from her shock and sat down on the carpet near the

foyer.

"Whew. Well, I am certainly surprised. But Darkness is Darkness. To me, that

means an extremely tough Crusader and a valuable friend. Nothing more,

nothing less."

The words seemed to cheer Darkness a little bit.

"...Right. We'll come through this together," she said, then gave a relieved

smile.

Aqua looked at the two of them beaming, then pointed to herself.

"Hey, can I share a shocking revelation, too? I mean, I know you didn't believe

me last time, but…I'm really an actual goddess!"

"Are you?" they replied. "Good for you!"

"Please believe meee!"

Sniffling, Aqua returned to trying to repair the damaged matchmaking

picture.

I thought to myself as I watched the three of them.

All of a sudden, a lot of things made a lot more sense.

This explained why Darkness seemed to know less about this world than I did,

even though I had come from Japan. And it explained why she'd shown up

today in such a weird costume.

Maybe Lord Alderp's attempt to marry Darkness to his son was some kind of

strategic move. If he couldn't have her himself, at least he could have her in the

same house.

If we didn't do something, our beloved Crusader was going to be somebody's

bride.

Our…beloved…hmm? Hmmm?

"So we have to take this and make a case to persuade your father, right?

Here. What do you think? Good as new!"

My train of thought was interrupted by Aqua, who handed me the

matchmaking photograph with a self-satisfied look. She had repaired it so

carefully you would never have known it was ever damaged.

Hang on. Darkness was going to be a bride.

In other words, the Crusader who was totally unable to hit her target was

going to leave our party.

And didn't they always say weddings were a joyful occasion?

It wasn't as if we were kicking anyone out of our party, even if she was kind of

useless.

I didn't dislike Darkness, after all. Sure, she could be pretty strange, but she

wasn't a bad person.

But who knew what the future held for our party? Was it really fair to restrict

the daughter of a noble family to a life of adventuring with us?

No, it certainly wasn't.

If Darkness got married, it would be a load off her parents' minds as well. And

truth be told, I often worried for her myself.

What would happen on the off chance we actually made it to the Demon

King's castle? We'd just get in trouble, and then she would be sure to happily

say something like, Forget about me! Run!

No doubt she would be imagining what kinds of things would happen to her

when she was captured and joyfully saying, "Ki…kill me…"

In other words, this was a great idea! Everyone could be happy.

"Right… We just give this back, make up some reason I can't accept, and

apologize. Then all we have to do is persuade my father… And for that, I'd really

like one of you to come along…"

Darkness, looking at the picture in my hand, seemed to be a little bit more at

ease.

"I've got it!"

"Whaaaaat?!" the girls cried as I tore the picture clean in half.

3

"All right. I promised to meet Yunyun, so I'm going out. Kazuma, I can only say

your plan gives me a very, very bad premonition, and I hope you're sure about

it. I'm trusting Darkness to you."

Megumin glanced anxiously over her shoulder several times, then left

reluctantly.

Frankly, I was just as happy that Megumin had somewhere to be. Between

her, Aqua, and Darkness, she was the one I was most worried about leaving

here alone.

"Sniiiiff… After I… After I worked so hard to put it back together…" On the

couch, Aqua blubbered over the ruined matchmaking photo she had so recently

repaired.

As I watched Megumin go, I could feel an intense gaze drilling into my back.

It was Darkness, glaring at me silently with tears in her eyes.

And Aqua doing the same, also with tears in her eyes.

I—I admit, I'm a bit scared…

"C-calm down, you two. This is going to work out in the end."

Darkness didn't seem persuaded by my pained excuse.

"…And just how is that?"

I gave her and Aqua the rundown.

That is, I explained why she ought to go along with this one meeting if she

wanted to continue adventuring.

This was a meeting with the son of a lord. If Darkness refused it, her father

would only come up with another match soon enough.

What was she going to do, just keep turning him down? Eventually, he would

run out of patience and try to force her into something.

So why not take him up on this meeting and make sure things went wrong?

Not wrong enough to embarrass Darkness's family, of course—just enough

that the other party would decide he wasn't interested.

Maybe that would make Darkness's dad a little more careful about who he

tried to introduce to his daughter.

After all, if too many of them turned her down, it would be a disgrace to his

household.

Aqua and I would attend the meeting, too, in the guise of servants. We would

help make sure the guy walked away with zero interest in Darkness.

The prospective bachelor came from the house of a lord nobody liked much.

Screwing things up here would presumably be less hard on the Dustiness family

name than if her suitor were from a more well-respected household.

I finished explaining all this to the girls.

"Th-that's it, Kazuma! Let's do it! If your plan works, I won't have to knock my

father around every time he comes up with some match for me!"

Man, I…I kind of feel sorry for him.

"I get it, that's a good idea! I figured your whole plan would be like, If one

troublesome person gets married off, we'll have room for a new party member

and our lives will be that much easier!"

I was shaken after hearing Aqua's words.

"O-of course not. We can't just let a great Crusader like Darkness go, can we?

…Stoppit, you two, don't look at me like that… I'm serious, for the most part…!"

4

The Dustiness household.

Their residence was situated right on the town's main street, a testament to

their status as a major noble family.

"I-is it true, Lalatina?! Will you really consider this offer of marriage?!"

Lalatina's—that is to say, Darkness's—father grasped her hands and

exclaimed joyfully.

We were in the mansion her family kept in this town. We had come to let her

father know that Darkness was willing to meet Alderp's son.

"It is true, Father. Your Lalatina has come to see that it may be best to

entertain this prospect."

Aqua and I turned our faces down to hear her speak that way.

"H-hey, Kazuma, did you hear that? She calls him Father—capital F!"

"I-idiot… I'm more surprised to hear her call herself 'your Lalatina'…"

Our shoulders shook as we tried to hold back our laughter at the way this

young rich woman, "Lalatina," talked. She blushed and glared at me.

Her father seemed dubious about our behavior.

"Lalatina, who are these people?"

Darkness raised a hand toward Aqua and me.

"These two are my most esteemed fellow adventurers. I have considered

requesting them to accompany me to the meeting as my temporary butler and

maid."

Her father frowned, unsure.

"Hmm. But…"

This was bad.

I took a confident step forward, put one hand in front of my chest, and stood

up as straight as I could.

"A pleasure to meet you, sir. My name is Kazuma Satou. I'm an Adventurer,

and I owe a great deal to Miss Lalatina, who has been with me constantly. If this

match should indeed be safely made, sir, I fully expect that the difference in our

stations shall prevent me from seeing Miss Lalatina again. I understand it is a

most unusual request, but in light of this, I dearly wish to be by her side at this

meeting to see that this man is someone I can truly trust with my most precious

companion."

I delivered this entire speech without stumbling once, then gave a deep bow

of my head.

I'm pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself.

I had the feeling that if I could safely send a fancy noblewoman off to

marriage, I could do just about anything.

Darkness and Aqua gaped at me as if they had seen a leopard change its

spots.

A servant showed us into a parlor.

"Please wait here a moment. We will select appropriate garments for you."

He sat us down on a couch, then prepared tea, after which he urged us to be

at our leisure and left the room.

The parlor unmistakably belonged to a noble house. It seemed modest, but

enough money had been spent on it to ensure it had the appropriate gravitas

for such an important family.

We sat politely for a few minutes, but quickly tired of that.

I paced restlessly back and forth through the room, picking up one article

after another and examining them. I didn't know how to appraise them, but I'm

sure they were all expensive.

This painting, for example. At a glance you might mistake it for a child's

scribbles, but I'm sure it was very modern.

I gazed at the image, rubbing my chin and muttering "Hmm" in a way that

looked very much like I knew something about art.

"Kazuma, you like those scribbles that much?"

Aqua, who knew nothing about art, apparently felt she could criticize this

show of appreciation.

"Well, what can I expect from the hoi polloi? This is called 'avant-garde art,'

and for those who know how to assess it, it's truly spectacular. I'm sure this is

the work of someone very famous."

I did my best to pretend I knew what I was talking about, while Aqua lounged

on the couch and sipped tea.

"Well, I know something about art," she said, "and that just looks like

scribbles to me."

I shrugged dramatically at hopeless Aqua. "I guess this just goes to show that

the ability to create art and the ability to appreciate it are two separate things.

Take this part, for example. It may look nonsensical, but clearly…"

As I began to lecture by the seat of my pants, Darkness walked in the room.

"Sorry to keep you two waiting… Kazuma, that's a picture of my father I drew

when I was a kid. Dad loved it and hung it up there so he could brag about it to

visitors, but personally I think it's embarrassing, so please don't examine it too

closely… Wh-what are you doing?! Don't pull on my braid!"

I tugged on Darkness's hair to let off some of my humiliation as Aqua smirked

at me. In the middle of it all, a maid walked in carrying outfits for a maid and a

butler.

The maid bowed to me, the outfits still in her hands.

"Master Kazuma, this is your butler's uniform. I believe it should fit you, but

please try it on to be sure."

I took a set of clothes from the maid and was led into the next room, where I

changed.

Perfect fit.

"Looks good to me."

At that, the maid bowed and withdrew to a corner of the room.

Having convinced Darkness's father to take me on as a "temporary butler,"

and now really looking the part, I came out to where Darkness was waiting.

Aqua was already there in her maid outfit.

They say clothes make the man—or in this case, the woman. The uniform

suited her surprisingly well.

"Hey, Aqua, that actually looks good on you. You'd fit right in with the staff

here."

"Speak for yourself, Kazuma—you just scream 'apprentice butler.' I can

picture it now: the more experienced butlers hazing you, you crying in some

hidden corner of this mansion. Not bad, not bad at all!"

"What an interesting little scenario you have there. It's so interesting, in fact,

that if we weren't in a noble's house right now, I'd make you pay for it… Oh

well. Are you ready, Miss Lalatina?"

"S-stop calling me that! In public, at least…at least call me Young Lady."

Darkness's name seemed to embarrass her quite a bit.

Apparently the meeting was to be held at this house. And unfortunately,

Darkness's dad had already made a certain request of me.

A very inconvenient request.

He had asked me to help make sure his daughter didn't act inappropriately

toward the young man.

And he'd said something else I was having trouble with.

He'd told me that if the match went well, there would be a reward.

So not only had he asked me to look after his interests, but he'd thrown in a

reward to sweeten the deal.

It couldn't help but motivate me.

I had planned on getting in the way as well as I could if Lord Alderp's son

turned out to be no good, but now I was starting to think that maybe it would

be possible to forgive some minor flaws.

"Come on, you two, this way. Are you ready? Do you both understand what

to do? I'm counting on you." Darkness, visibly anxious, gave us final

instructions, and then we turned toward the foyer where we were to meet our

guest.

As she strode forward, flanked by Dustiness maids, Darkness was nothing so

much as the precious daughter of a noble house.

As we made our way to the foyer, Aqua, walking behind me, eyed a number

of the objects we passed.

"Hey, that looks pretty fancy…" She stared at a vase with a handle like she'd

never seen one before.

Well, she'd seen through the drawing earlier. Maybe she did know what was

valuable.

I began to take an interest in the vase that caught her attention. I picked it up

casually, but it was surprisingly heavy.

"Fancy, huh? How much do you figure it's worth?"

"H-hey, don't go touching everything. That's my father's favorite vase…"

Darkness reached out for the handles on either side of the vase I'd picked up.

"My unclouded appraising eye can tell that this vase is worth…"

Ping!

""Huh?!""

With a ringing sound and a soft exclamation from both Darkness and me, a

single handle was left in Darkness's hand.

"My appraising eye can tell this vase is junk now."

"Wh-wh-what do we do?! That was my father's vase!" She held the grip in her

hand, fretting.

"St-stay calm! Your dad's not here right now. There are two possibilities. One,

we tell him after the other guy gets here. He can't get angry with you in front of

a guest. Two! We make some quick repairs with rice or something, then move it

somewhere where it'll just fall on the floor when your dad picks it up."

"I—I see; that's brilliant! Good thinking, Kazuma, you're sharp! If we tell him

about it in front of our guest, he'll just wait till the guy goes home to get angry.

Let's do some temporary repairs and put it where it'll be easy to knock over—I'll

tell the servants to be sure not to touch it!"

A Dustiness maid who had overheard our conversation said, "Pardon me,

young sir, but…please do not teach the young lady such inappropriate things…"

5

Servants formed a neat line just outside the foyer, while Darkness and her

father stood square in the middle of it.

Aqua and I were on either side of Darkness. It occurred to me to wonder

where her mother was, but I couldn't spare too much thought for it right then.

"I can't tell you how happy I am that you've accepted this meeting. When

Alderp came to me, I wondered what he could possibly want, but when I heard

him out, I told him you wouldn't refuse. Alderp himself notwithstanding, his

son, the young master Balter, is truly a good man. He will make you happy,

Lalatina!"

Darkness's father smiled broadly at her.

But Darkness replied unequivocally.

"I find that most uncongenial, Father. Your Lalatina said only that she would

consider the proposal. Heh-heh-heh… And after consideration, I have

determined that it is too soon for me to be a bride. At this point in time nothing

can be done—I have accepted this meeting, but I never said I would marry him!

I shall make a mockery of this arranged match. A mockery! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Darkness had apparently decided there was no more need for games.

Her father regarded us seriously, his face growing pale.

"D-don't tell me… You two helped plan this all along…?!"

He eyed me with something like fear.

This was trouble. The blood had rushed to Darkness's head, and she was in

danger of forgetting to stop before she hurt the family name.

She probably figured we were in too deep to pull back now.

Well, if she was done playing games, so was I.

"…Young Lady, please refrain from such unbecoming pronouncements."

At my words, Darkness and her father both looked at me in shock.

Aqua, who seemed to have taken a liking to the maid's outfit, happily flicked

at the hem of her skirt, totally oblivious to what was going on.

Darkness, however, grasped all too well what was happening and scrunched

up her face. Her father, on the other hand, beheld me with tears in his eyes as a

savior from heaven.

"Kazuma, y-you fiend! You traitor!"

"It is hardly a betrayal, Young Lady. I am a butler, however temporarily, of the

Dustiness household. Your happiness is my abiding wish."

"Oh-ho…," responded her father with admiration. "Y-young Kazuma—that's

your name, isn't it? Even if this meeting doesn't result in a match, I'll— If only

you can help Lalatina not to do anything ill-mannered—you will be rewarded

generously! So p-please…!"

Before he could finish his thought, I gave a deep bow.

"Leave everything to me, sir. My every strength and effort shall be directed to

the young lady's—"

Then it happened.

The door to the foyer opened with a click, and there was the young man from

the picture, accompanied by an entourage of his own.

Darkness, seeking to seize the initiative, folded her arms, glared at the guy,

and burst out: "So you're the one I'm supposed to meet, huh! I'm Lalatina Ford

Dustiness! You may call me Lady Dustiness."

"Oh, Young Lady! I'm afraid a mosquito has landed on the back of your head!"

And with that, I gave Darkness a firm smack.

6

Shortly after I had reined in Darkness…

On the pretext that I wanted to make sure the mosquito hadn't bitten her, I

bought us some time by hustling Darkness away into the next room, leaving the

guy with only her father to talk to.

"Geez, what's the big idea?! Weren't you supposed to be helping me?!"

Darkness grabbed me by the collar and dragged me out into the hallway.

Next to us, Aqua, who still hadn't fully grasped the situation, appeared to

have grown enamored with the texture of Darkness's braid and poked at it

contentedly.

Time for me to take the stand for a cross-examination.

"Now, now, calm yourself, Young Lady. You're forgetting one important

thing."

"Don't call me Young Lady when we're alone! …And what important thing?"

Darkness seemed slightly mollified and ready to listen.

"You're losing sight of the fact that you don't want to do anything to damage

your family name. If the Dustinesses get a bad reputation, it'll hurt you more

than anyone, right?"

Darkness furrowed her brow.

"How will it hurt me? The worse my reputation gets, the fewer proposals I'll

receive, and then I can just go adventuring like I want. The worst thing that can

possibly happen is my father disinherits me, and I'm ready for that. With no

home to inherit, I'll have to fight valiantly to survive—maybe it'll even become

necessary to take the truly crazy quests! And eventually one will be so insane

that I can't handle it, and some agent of the Demon King will capture me, tie me

down, and…! ...That's the life I want to lead."

The young lady had expressed her ridiculous hopes for the future, but she

wasn't finished.

"That guy's not even my type. My father has never brought me a decent

prospect."

I looked askance at her then. I thought he seemed like a pretty good catch.

"Are you sure he's as bad as all that? Your dad made it sound like he was

pretty great. I mean, I only have his looks to go on, but…"

She answered, "His name is Balter Barnes Alexei. He's a cool young man who

seems to be made of better stuff than his father, and he's well regarded among

the populace, too."

This brought a reaction from Aqua.

"Balter of the Alexei household has a good reputation in Axel, too. He often

gives to the less fortunate. I've benefited from his generosity a number of

times."

Wh-why, you…!

Darkness looked put out.

"No means no! My father should be giving to the poor! Not some noble family

that just wants to marry us!"

"O-oh, so you mean… I get it. He puts up this great front, but actually he's

involved in all kinds of shady stuff? S-sorry, I didn't realize…"

I should've known I was too quick to embrace that kid. I kind of regretted it.

But Darkness went on: "No! He's actually supposed to be a really good guy. He

never gets angry, doesn't berate his servants when they make mistakes, just

tries to figure out why the problem happened—it's so…so weird!"

…? He sounds pretty nice.

"He's also a really hard worker—he studies every day because the more he

knows, the more he can help people. He's smart, and so good with a sword he

was the youngest person ever to be knighted. There isn't a single bad rumor

about him—he's like the picture of the perfect man. He speaks out against his

father's poor leadership and is trying to change things."

...…

"Hey," Aqua said, puzzled. "Everything you've said so far makes him sound

like a pretty great catch, Darkness. So what don't you like about him?"

"What don't I like about him?! Everything! Anything! First of all, nobles are

supposed to act like nobles! Have a permanent condescending smirk on their

faces! Yet he looks at me with those clear, honest eyes—what's that about?

Can't he, you know…look at me with a nasty drinking-me-in expression like

Kazuma does when I'm hanging around the house lightly dressed?"

"Wh-wh-what? I d-d-do not look at you like that!"

Darkness ignored my questionable protests and went on.

"And he doesn't get angry when his people make mistakes? Ridiculous! When

a maid screws up, you do whatever you want to her and call it punishment—it's

practically a sign of good breeding among the elite! He doesn't understand

anything! His servants probably mess up on purpose because they want him to

yell at them! If you call yourself a noble, you should at least have the

resourcefulness to have a tryst with every single maid in the house!"

"I'm pretty sure you're the only one who thinks any of that."

Darkness completely ignored my interjection—her fist was clenched as if to

say she could hardly take it anymore. Her torrential argument continued

unabated.

"That guy could probably take on the world by himself—he's the exact

opposite of my type! I don't care if he's thin as a rail or big as a boulder, he just

shouldn't look so striking. I want him to be totally devoted to me—but he

should be weak-willed enough that if a pretty young thing passes by, he can't

help leering at her. And he's got to be kind of pervy, in the mood at every hour

of the day—that's a must. It sure wouldn't hurt if he was in a bit of debt! And

he should never work, just drink all day—but he'd blame society for his

problems. Then he'd throw an empty bottle at me and shout, 'Hey, Darkness!

Go use that worthless body of yours to scrounge us up some cash!' …Nnggh…"

Her explanation ended as she began to quiver and blush too hard to go on.

Damn! There's no hope for this girl—I'm already too late.

Aqua and I stood there, despair looming over us, when suddenly— "…

Enough!" Darkness announced. "I'll ruin this meeting myself! If you want to try

to stop me, Kazuma, just be ready for the consequences!" Then she left the

room, her fury obvious.

Aqua and I stood there by ourselves for a moment, silent.

Finally Aqua said in a barbed tone, "Kazuma, just what are you playing at?"

"You saw her father's face," I said. "That's a man who's genuinely worried

about his daughter's future. And you heard what she said about the guy's

reputation. In other words, this isn't a political marriage—it's a dad who really

wants his daughter to be happy."

"So what?" Aqua said hotly. "He still doesn't have the right to make life

decisions for her just because—"

But I didn't let her finish.

"Darkness is nobility. I think it's pretty common for nobles not to be able to

make their own marriages. If you're born an aristocrat, you get to grow up in

the lap of luxury, receive the best education…not that you could tell by looking

at Darkness. But in return for living off tax money, you don't get as much

freedom as the common people. Every status in life has its pros and cons.

Commoners have freedom but no money. Nobles have money but no freedom.

To grow up with everything—and then to want to determine the course of your

own life, too? That's just selfish. If anything, I'm impressed she got away with

living her own life for as long as she did. And then she gets to marry a guy with

no flaws! I'll bet no one would be very amused to hear she objected to that."

But no matter how long I talked at her, Aqua didn't seem convinced.

"…But! Doesn't it still just seem like too much…?!"

"Well, that's not the only reason…"

Aqua stood stock-still at that.

"…What?"

I crouched in toward her, my face serious.

"Aqua. Our goal is to defeat the Demon King and make it back to Earth, right?

And what does Darkness really want?"

Aqua leaned in, too, looking slightly confused, as if she wasn't sure I was

asking her honestly.

"Um… I don't…? T-to skip marriage and just go adventuring with us…?"

When she tried to give a safe answer, I found myself shouting: "Wrong! I'm

not asking about what she wants on the surface! You know what I'm talking

about—say it! Don't be embarrassed; just say it! I want to see the expression on

your face when you have to put it into words!"

"She wants super-strong monsters to overpower her and do all kinds of pervy

stuff to her! …K-Kazuma, I think this counts as sexual harassment already…"

She was on the verge of tears, but I pushed on.

"No, it doesn't! Look, you may be a real idiot yourself, but she's an absolute

idiot who's way beyond help! Her dream is to be abducted and tortured by

monsters? Moron! Try telling her dad that! If you've got the guts! Sorry, sir, but

your beloved daughter has big dreams of being assaulted by monsters! Please

put off the wedding so she can go make her dreams come true! You go tell him

that!"

"I'm sorry! I can't! I can't tell him!" No sooner had she apologized than Aqua

said hesitantly, "B-but does that mean you think marrying that guy is the right

thing to do? I mean, Darkness seems to have her own type and all…"

"Dumbass. So she doesn't get to marry her type. Boo-hoo. You heard how she

described her 'type.' Just imagine if she actually found her ideal man and

brought him home. Listen up. We're going to push ahead with this Balter guy.

He looks like a good person, so we're going to take the hit on this one. Darkness

is sure to try something, so we have to keep a short leash on her. It sounds like

Balter's way nicer than his dad. So even if they get married, he'd probably let

her go on an adventure every once in a while. So Dad's happy, I'm happy,

Darkness stops going on all those dangerous adventures, and best of all, we get

rid of one of our three problem party members."

I thrust my fist in the air and straightened up.

"Anyway, you can't make a living as an adventurer your whole life! It's such a

grim occupation—if you have a chance to get out, you should take it! Heck, I'm

constantly thinking about quitting! Let's not mince words. Darkness is an idiot.

If it were just that she wanted to be an adventurer, sure! That'd be great! I'd

even cheer her on! But no, again, she's an idiot. It may not be exactly right to

stick your nose into another person's family business, but our goal is to get

Darkness safely married off! And if we can't manage that, Plan B is to leave the

Dustiness name in good enough condition that she can be married out of the

party at any time!"

"Hey, wait a second! You never actually answered my question!"

7

"Very sorry to keep you waiting, sirs and lady."

"Very sorry."

Aqua and I came in as Balter and Darkness's dad were having a chat. We

stood next to Darkness, who shot glances at both of us.

"I can see your point of view, Kazuma," Aqua said. "I really wish Darkness

could marry a person she loves and be happy, but things are going to get out of

hand here."

"I'm so glad you understand. Now, you do whatever you want. I'll be trying to

make sure that guy is in love with Darkness by the end of this meeting!"

I couldn't tell if Darkness was able to hear what the two of us were

whispering, but she hissed in my ear, "Stop right now, and I won't blame you for

any of this. Otherwise, when this is all over, I'll make you wish you were dead."

Yikes.

But at the moment, I was immune to intimidation.

After all, right now I could hide behind an ally even more powerful than

Darkness.

That's right…

"Sir, I hope you will not consider me too forward, but perhaps the moment

has come to begin the meeting of the young lady and Lord Balter. Our young

lady has been most eager."

Darkness ground her teeth at me in a silent demand to not say another word.

Her father, of course, didn't notice but happily agreed with me. In his own

fatherly way, he didn't seem particularly perturbed that I'd smacked his

daughter upside the head to shut her up just a few minutes before. In fact, he

seemed kind of relieved.

Now I knew I had his blessing and that I could get away with a certain amount

of tomfoolery.

"Very well. Lord Balter, Lalatina," Darkness's dad said. "Come with me. Let's

go to the parlor."

Darkness suddenly stumbled.

"Oh, the heel of my shoe seems to have broken. Lord Balter, would you lend

me your hand…?" And she stretched out her hand toward Balter.

Her tone, at least, was perfectly polite, perhaps in an effort to avoid another

smack from me. But alarms were going off in my head. She had to be planning

something.

I quickly held out a hand and said, "At your service, Young Lady. However

much you may fancy young Lord Balter, surely you mustn't ask him to support

you before you are even engaged. My apologies, milord. Our young lady has

been in a most unusual humor toda— Oowowowow you're gonna break it—

shall break— Young Lady! Cut it— Please st-stop these p-pranks…"

Tears brimming in my eyes, I shook out the hand Darkness had grabbed as

hard as she could.

C-curse her…! Maybe that was what she'd planned to do to Balter if I hadn't

intervened…

"Wh-what's wrong? Are you all right?" Balter asked me with concern as I

pressed on my hand and wiped the tears from my eyes.

What a sweet guy! Please, please take this crazy lady off my hands!

"Heh-heh-heh. Nothing at all, milord. Shall we go?"

As I watched Darkness stride off with Balter, Aqua discreetly leaned in and

cast Heal on my hand.

Darkness's father put his palms together apologetically and dipped his head.

"Now then, let me introduce myself properly. I am Balter Barnes Alexei, eldest

son of the Alexei family and assisting in my father's governance."

Darkness and Balter were seated across from each other at a white table in

the parlor.

Balter was quite the charmer.

He was about a head taller than me and so well built, you could tell it even

through his clothes—he probably trained every day.

And he gazed at my charge with a calm smile on his face.

Aqua and I stood unnaturally close to Darkness.

(image Here)

Balter seemed to take note of this, but as Darkness's father didn't say

anything, he could hardly bring it up.

"I am Lalatina Ford Dustiness. I will forego a lengthy introduction of my family,

which I presume even the son of a playboy lord knows wel— Eeyowch!"

As she veered into an insult, Darkness was suddenly facedown on the table,

blushing and quivering slightly.

"Wh-what's wrong?" Balter asked in concern.

"N-nothing… I simply couldn't stand to look at the young lord's face anym—

Hrrgh!"

Down again, this time red up to her ears.

"Young Lady Darkness has been feeling ill to her stomach since this morning.

Oh, Darkness! If you have a stomachache, you shouldn't overexert yourself!"

"What? Th-that's not—"

Darkness, embarrassed, tried to deny Aqua's improvised remark.

I nudged Aqua, whose bit of ad-libbing caused more problems than it solved,

and said, "Our young lady has been in a tizzy of excitement since this morning in

anticipation of meeting Lord Balter. Observe our young lady's countenance! She

is quite crimson with modesty!"

"I-indeed, my face is red… How e-embarrassing…"

I leaned a little harder on my foot and whispered so only Darkness could hear

—as I crushed her foot under the table: "Okay, Young Lady? Any more

shenanigans and I'll stomp even harder."

I wasn't completely sure Darkness had heard me, but with strained breath,

she muttered, "…Y-you'll pay for this…"

Ah, our young lady. Ever civil.

By that point, her dad seemed to have grasped what was going on

underneath the table. He'd figured it out quickly enough to suggest he was

familiar with his daughter's quirks.

I wanted to give him a piece of my mind for letting his daughter grow up like

this, but now wasn't the time.

Her dad picked up the flow, changing the subject to Balter to help cover for

what was happening with Darkness and me.

"Lord Balter, I've heard your mansion was recently destroyed. Have you any

place to live? I'm sure we have space for you here—in a separate room from my

daughter, of course."

His tone was joking, and Balter played right along.

"Ha-ha-ha! No, sir, I'm sure I could barely restrain myself even being in the

same house with someone as lovely as Lalatina…"

Darkness's face remained red, and she still trembled gently, but otherwise the

talk went smoothly after that.

8

Darkness's father said he was probably just getting in the young people's way,

and he excused himself.

As he walked out, he patted me on the shoulder and whispered, "I'm counting

on you."

Now Darkness and Balter were taking a walk in the garden of the Dustiness

mansion, with Aqua and me in tow. And what a garden!

The sprawling grounds boasted a huge lake, and even though it was winter,

colorful flowers bloomed everywhere—maybe they'd been bred for it, or

maybe they were just that high quality.

Aqua watched the fish in the lake, then gave a whistle and a clap.

At first I wondered what she was doing. Then I noticed the fish had flocked to

her.

…Actually, that's pretty neat. I'll have to have her teach me how to do it later.

"Milady Lalatina, do you have any hobbies?"

While we stood there, quite taken by the lake, Balter asked the kind of inane

question usually required for a get-together like this.

"Oh, I've always been rather fond of goblin hunti— Grrrg!"

I jabbed an elbow into Darkness's ribs as she began to run her mouth.

Balter responded with a crooked smile and a cock of the head. I had, after all,

been staying abnormally close to Darkness all day.

"…You two seem like quite good friends."

I frowned. Aww, crud.

Darn! What was I going to do if I'd gone too far and was about to hurt

Darkness's reputation instead of helping it?

After all, how could two prospective partners meet each other with a butler

an elbow length away all the time?

Darkness saw me grasping for the words to smooth this over and gave me a

vicious smirk.

Oh no. What's she…?

"My butler, Kazuma, and I are indeed very close. We're together every day.

We eat together, we bathe together, and of course at night we—we— Hrrr…!"

One ridiculous thing after another came out of her mouth until, suddenly, her

face turned red and she swallowed her words.

Geez, doesn't she have any shame?

"My young lady does love to joke. She has an adorable way of saying things

that are personally embarrassing. Isn't it sweet? Miss Lalatina? What's wrong,

my dear Lalatina? Lalatina, your face is so red…"

"Hrr… J-Just…you…wait…"

Darkness grit her teeth and held back tears at hearing her cute little name so

many times in a row.

All right. That ought to keep her in line for a few minutes.

Balter gave us a bittersweet smile and said, "You two are as close as you say.

It's enough to make a man jealous."

"Oh, you jest, sir. We are merely a lady and her butler having a jape…"

At that, Darkness gasped a little and took a quick step away from me.

What's this?

"This has gone on long enough! When are you going to drop this stupid act?!"

And before I could stop her, Darkness ripped the hem clean off her dress.

Her thighs were clearly visible; there was no way to avoid her ero-ness. Or the

perv-ness of the way she had shortened her skirt so it was easy to move in, with

a slit down the side.

Balter quickly averted his eyes, and Darkness yelled, "You—Balter! Your class

is Knight, so you know how to use a sword, don't you? My class is Crusader, and

you're coming with me to the training grounds! Then I'm going to find out what

you're really made of. Now, come on!"

I had no hope of stopping Darkness. This crazy fit had come on too suddenly.

"Look at this man, Balter. At this Kazuma, who has gazed lasciviously upon my

noble self for all this time!"

I w-w-wasn't looking!

I just glanced out of curiosity…

9

"The duel goes until one of us cries uncle. If you can make me cry, Hold,

enough!—if you can wring the words I can't take any more! from my lips—then

I will marry you or go anywhere you wish!"

Darkness had brought us all to the training grounds.

In the middle of the field, she tossed a wooden training sword to Balter. He

caught it, then gave it an exploratory swing with a troubled expression.

"Ahem… Milady Lalatina, I am a Knight. A training implement this may be, but

I cannot raise a sword against a woman."

Darkness appeared profoundly displeased at this.

"You soft-headed lout. You see Kazuma over there? He prides himself as a

proponent of equality between the sexes, and he's told women he's more than

willing to drop-kick them. You could learn a thing or two from him."

Balter did look at me, but somehow, I didn't want him to.

He exhaled as though he'd made up his mind.

"…Very well. To be honest, I came here fully intending to refuse the match my

father was trying to force upon me… But when I saw you, I had a change of

heart. You are unlike the other run-of-the-mill noble girls. Nothing less, I

suppose, from the only daughter of the 'kingdom's confidant.' You were

unaffected yet charmingly shy about your own words. You were so willing to

speak your mind and so willing to treat your servants as if they were your peers,

not your inferiors. I admit my interest was piqued… En garde, then, Milady

Lalatina!"

The only thing more sudden than his declaration of infatuation was the way

he leaped at Darkness!

His stroke was swift; it knocked Darkness's sword clear out of her hands, and

then his wooden blade rested at her shoulder.

Balter gave a small sigh. He must have thought that meant the duel was over.

But Darkness picked up her weapon as if nothing had happened.

"All right. Next. Have at you!"

About thirty minutes later…

"S-surely this is enough! Surely you can see who has the advantage? Why will

you not concede?"

Balter had been the better fighter in every bout, yet he was the one who

seemed to be at his wit's end.

In terms of sheer skill, Balter was clearly superior. Darkness's blade had never

so much as grazed him, but his had delivered more than a few sound blows to

her. Some of them were starting to bruise already.

But despite her ragged breathing, the light hadn't gone out of Darkness's

eyes. Drenched in sweat, her cheeks glowing, she shouted, "What's wrong? No

need to hold back—give me all you've got! Let me witness a truly dominating

strength!"

Faced with such a woman, he cast his sword aside and raised both hands in a

gesture of surrender.

"…I give, Milady Lalatina. I have lost. I may have outdone you in

swordsmanship but not in strength of spirit. I cannot strike you again… You are

a very strong person."

Balter gave Darkness a starstruck sort of look, then smiled.

Darkness, for her part, slumped her shoulders dejectedly. "…What, it's over?

Pathetic. Go train some more, and come back when you can fight."

Balter positively laughed at that—a joyous, unrestrained laugh.

Then he said, so softly I wasn't sure Darkness could hear him, "…I really have

fallen for you…"

Just a little murmur.

Someone who didn't know any better might have taken it for a nice story.

How Darkness outlasted Balter and was able to show how resolute she was.

But I knew what was going through her head, and the scene couldn't move

me the same way…

Balter probably took Darkness's harsh breathing and ruddy cheeks as the

signs of a Crusader straining to endure pain.

Aqua went up to Darkness, who was still panting, and healed her wounds.

I heaved a deep sigh. My companion picked up the sword Balter had thrown

away.

"All right, Kazuma, come at me. Show Balter your mercilessness and total

disregard for human decency!"

I was just sitting in a corner of the training ground with no idea what she was

going on about, but she gave me the sword.

All right, what is going on here?

No way. She had that fire in her eyes from the fight with Balter—no way was I

going up against that.

"I, too, would like to see the fighting style of one whom Milady Lalatina trusts

so deeply," Balter said.

He just couldn't keep his mouth shut, could he?

"Ooh!" Aqua, done healing Darkness's wounds, seemed eager to see how this

would play out.

Geez, what's the deal?

"Okay, fine. I get it. Guess the matchmaking's scuttled anyway. And you aren't

the type to spread nasty rumors about the 'young lady.'" I dropped my pretense

toward Balter, talking to him like a normal person, and stood with a grunt.

"Excellent, Kazuma! I've always wanted to try sparring with you! The

complete lack of moral grounding that makes you willing to steal a girl's

underwear the first time you fight her—the cruel cleverness that allows you to

attack your opponent's weakness! Now—come at me with everything you've

got!"

Balter looked at me as Darkness spoke, but I really, really didn't want him to.

I had no intention of going toe-to-toe with such a hot-and-heavy opponent on

such a cold day.

I stuck out my free hand.

"Create Water!"

Liquid appeared over Darkness's head.

"Wha—?!"

I cocked my head at Balter's surprised reaction.

"Something wrong…?"

Balter replied a bit stumblingly, "N-no, it's just… Typically, one doesn't use

magic in a duel of swords…"

Oh, I get it.

…Wait a second…

Aqua was looking at Darkness and murmuring, "You've done it again, Kazuma.

You've proved no one is a more talented sexual harasser than you. You've

actually done it."

I followed her gaze and looked at Darkness. She was drenched—turning her

undergarments transparent. Combined with her torn skirt, it… Let's just say I

was very grateful. Very grateful.

Balter found himself completely unable to look at Darkness. Instead, he

stared intensely at the ground.

"Heh… Heh-heh! Behold, Balter! I thought I was in a sword battle—and now

here I am in this humiliating state! This is what you can learn from this man!"

Darkness stood there dripping and apparently eager to invite a

misunderstanding.

"I—I didn't mean to…! Aww, damn it!"

She'd wanted me to come at her with everything I had, and…well, I did.

I'd used magic once already—no point in not using it again!

"Freeze!"

"?!?!?!"

Suddenly Darkness was turning blue and hugging herself.

"Y-you devil! To get me soaking wet in the middle of winter…and then use ice

magic…!"

"Well, they don't call him Cad-zuma and Trash-zuma for nothing!"

Geez, enough from the peanut gallery!

"Heh—ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa! Yes! This mercilessness! This is it—!"

And before she'd even finished speaking, Darkness leaped at me!

10

This was bad. And at this rate, it was only going to get worse.

Darkness raised her wooden blade tauntingly at me as I stood there looking

stricken.

To be fair, I could dodge the attack easily—no matter how frenzied she was,

she always launched herself in a straight line, sometimes at the wrong distance

or even in the wrong direction.

"What's wrong, Kazuma?! Starting to sweat?!"

As she jumped at me, I could see Darkness trembling from the cold, but her

fervor was causing her to sweat. She seemed to be enjoying herself.

I had landed several blows, but she had never so much as yelped.

"That's the way, Darkness! Kazuma's a beanpole! No way he can keep up a

fight very long!"

Darn it, I said enough from the peanut gallery!

"Heh-heh, you're not moving so well anymore. I think it's about time to end

this!"

Darkness, egged on by Aqua's shouting, smiled dauntlessly, threw away her

sword—she couldn't hit anything with it anyway—and flew at me barehanded.

Aww, crap! I've got zero chance in a hand-to-hand fight!

"That's it! Grab him! Wring his neck! When you get your hands on him,

there's no way that scrawny Kazuma can stand up to you!"

Dammit, why is she cheering for Darkness?! We'll see whose neck gets wrung

when this is all over!

As I mentally cursed Aqua, Darkness came at me with her arms open wide as

if for a big hug.

I threw away my sword, too, and prepared to clasp my hands with hers as we

pitted our strength against each other.

"You think you can beat me in a contest of brawn? You fool!" Darkness

exclaimed, and gleefully joined hands with me. "I don't know what you're

thinking, but a mere Adventurer is no match for a mighty Crusaderrraaaghhh!"

Her revelry turned to a scream.

Now she tried to break away from me, but I held fast to her hand.

"What, not so confident anymore? Come on, Darkness, say something! Bwa-

ha-ha! Surely you didn't think I would face you head-to-head? You know me

better than thaaaaahh!"

Now it was my turn for triumph to become a scream as she grabbed my hand

as hard as she could. She wore a mad grin, and her eyes burned.

"Heh… Heh-heh-heh-heh! S-so this is D-Drain Touch…! But I can break your

arm before you can drain my health…!"

"J-j-j-juuust see i-i-i-i-if you caaan! Eeeeyowowowow!"

There we were: me trying to absorb her HP with Drain Touch, her trying to

shatter my limb through brute force.

Neither of us asked any quarter; neither gave any.

I was starting to bend under Darkness's sheer power, but I could see her face

crumpling as well.

Geez! I was draining as hard as I could, but I couldn't seem to find the end of

her HP…!

"H-hey, Darkness! W-wanna make a little wager? You challenged me bbecause I p-pissed you off, right? W-well, the loser has to d-do any one th-thing

the winner asks…!"

I spoke through gritted teeth. Darkness leaned in to get every bit of

advantage out of her strength.

"A w-wager—?! Heh… Heh-heh…! Y-you're just trying to b-buy time with

chatter… We can wager or d-do whatever you want… If I win, you'll h-have to

apologize with your f-forehead in the dirt…!"

There's my chance!

"Promise? Y-you're sure…?!"

"Y-yeah, that's it! And you b-better get ready—give up now! Or I really will

break your arm!"

She was throwing her entire body weight into the effort, but my tone

suggested I had already won: "S-sure? Totally s-sure? You prom—promise…?!

When I win, you won't get off with a weepy little apology…!"

It sure didn't look like I had any chance. I gave Darkness an unexpected grin.

It must have taken her by surprise, because she relaxed ever so slightly.

"…? What do you mean? What will you ask if I lose?"

"Something that'll leave you bright red and weeping with humiliation…! Bwaha-ha! You've already promised! All right, it's on! I can already see you begging

for my forgiveness after I win…! Please, I'll make you say! Please forgive me!"

Darkness trembled slightly at that. And the twisting on my arm lightened just

a little.

"Hrk…! Wh-what is it you'll make me do? T-tell me! Out with it!"

"Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-haaa! Something far, far worse than you're picturing right

now, I guarantee!"

"Wha—?! St-stop it…! Hrk… I-I'm trying to resist, but I'm still being drained…!

At this rate…!"

Drain Touch affects only vitality, but I could feel Darkness's strength waning

until she dropped to one knee.

"Haaah… Haah… Wh-what will you make me do…?! Haaah… Haah… At—at

this rate, I won't be able…to go on…"

Darkness was red and breathing hard. A single bead of sweat ran from the

nape of her neck to her collarbone.

"First I'll keep on draining until you lose consciousness. You can savor the

anticipation of what will happen when you wake up…!"

"Ahh! Wh-why, you…! Hrrgh… I've lost this bout… But no matter what

humiliations you inflict on me, you won't…have my…heart…! Will it…will it be…

something awful?!"

(images Here) (A/N I don't know why it was like this)

Both her hands in mine, her face upturned with anticipation, Darkness

collapsed into a sitting position on the earth of the training ground.

Balter said in a shocked voice, "You didn't simply win—when you knew victory

was yours, you forced her to wager! How merciless! Not for nothing do they call

you Cad-zuma!"

"H-hey!"

Aqua went over to where Darkness was slumped on the ground and began to

administer first aid.

And then…

"I heard you all were at the training grounds, so I brought drinks for—"

With the best worst timing, Darkness's dad walked up.

The tray of drinks he was carrying fell from his hands and clattered to the

ground.

Servants rushed up to find out what was the matter, then their jaws hung

open.

All of them gaped at Darkness—bruises all over, skirt torn, absolutely

drenched, leaving nothing to the imagination and completely unladylike, while

Aqua tended to her.

As everyone else looked at Darkness, Balter and I instinctively exchanged a

glance.

Aqua pointed at us. "It's their fault!"

"Very well. Put them both to death."

"No, sir, this is a misunderstanding!" Balter and I yelled in unison.

11

Between us, Balter and I desperately explained the situation, and somehow

we managed to come out unscathed.

Balter knew now who Aqua and I really were—though to be fair, he seemed

to have suspected all along that I wasn't a butler.

Darkness—the reason we were in this mess—was still asleep, thanks to the

beating she'd taken from my skills.

Conducted to the parlor, we watched over her. She had been changed into

the tight black skirt and shirt she usually wore for adventuring.

Finally her father spoke, looking at his daughter.

"She never was much of a people person…even with those who were close to

her. Young Kazuma, you are a member of her party, aren't you? She didn't talk

overmuch of herself, did she?"

I cocked my head at him.

I wonder.

Now that I thought about it, I realized I didn't actually know a whole lot about

Darkness.

I mean, she never talked that much, and when she did, she was usually

spouting some no-good nonsense.

"Even after my daughter became a Crusader, she was often alone. She spent

every day at the church of Our Lady Eris, praying that she might find

companions to adventure with. She told me joyfully once that on her way home

from church one day, she finally made a friend, a companion—a Thief girl…"

I knew Eris was a goddess you could count on! Ah, my lady, what fine work

you do…

"She lost her mother at a young age… I never took another wife and have had

to raise her myself. She's had only a man, and a doting one at that, to bring her

up. Perhaps I did her a disservice in that way," he said, looking solemn. He

seemed to be talking about Darkness's…tendencies.

Was he implying that she liked being chained because she'd had too much

freedom growing up? Sorry, Dad. I think she's just always been this way.

"Miss Lalatina outdoes any man I've met and is, I believe, a truly wonderful

woman. If young Kazuma were not in the picture, I would indeed wish to take

her as my wife!"

Aaaand there went Balter. What the hell was he talking about?

Darkness was just a friend.

I won't lie—there were plenty of things about her that made me pretty horny,

but that didn't mean anything. True, I'd never want her to end up with

someone like Lord Alderp, who was just going to use her, but I would be

perfectly supportive of a match with a decent guy who appreciated her.

"I'm sorry," I said, "but I'm not quite sure I follow."

"Come now," Balter replied in a You don't need to hide it tone. "You are

clearly more able than I to make Miss Lalatina happy. I saw how implicitly you

trust each other. Are you two not very much in love?"

"Okay, let's step outside. Lord's son or not, I've gotta set you straight about a

few things."

"Kazuma, stop! If you have to beat him up, do it when I'm not around! I don't

wanna get executed, too!"

Aqua tried to hold me back as I went to Drain Touch the daylights out of

Balter.

"Baaah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Darkness's dad suddenly let out a huge guffaw.

What now? There have been way too many twists and turns already today. I

don't think I can take any more.

"All right then! Sir Balter. If my daughter ends up too old to marry, will you

take her?"

The spontaneous offer caught Balter off guard.

"O-of course, I would be most pleased, but—"

He seemed to be looking at me, but Dad cut him off: "And young Kazuma."

"Huh?! I mean—yes, sir?"

I was every bit as startled as Balter.

"I ask that you look after my daughter. Try to make sure she doesn't do

anything too stupid. Please."

Wait—what exactly was he saying?

Surely he meant as her friend and fellow adventurer, right?

I mean, of course I would. It would be exactly what I'd been doing all along.

"…nn…? Hmm...? The parlor? …Ahh… I see…"

Darkness sat up.

At the same moment, the memories of what had happened before she lost

consciousness seemed to rush back.

"C-could it all be over now? What indecent things did you do to me while I

was asleep?!"

"Nothing! I haven't done anything to you! Stop saying things everyone's

gonna take the wrong way! Everything got a little tense after you conked out."

At that, Darkness scanned the room, then smirked at me.

…What? What was she thinking?

I recalled what Darkness had said before the meet-up started.

When this is all over, I'm gonna make you wish you were dead.

No—I was safe now. No matter what she said next, there would be no

problem.

Just stay calm. I'm super-cool today.

Just stay calm and deal with whatever…

"Father. Sir Balter. Please pretend this matchmaking meeting never

happened. There is something I have been keeping from you until now… But I

am carrying Kazuma's child."

"What the hell?! I'm a virgin; you can't play that card! How are you carrying

my child when we've never done anything? You're a virgin, too! Are you Mary? I

oughta whack you right in the stomach!"

Darkness's outrageous announcement and my reaction drew a strange smile

from Balter.

"I see—so you've been pregnant with young Kazuma's child all this time. In

that case, I suppose there's nothing to be done—I concede my pursuit of you."

Then he stood up.

Curse you, Darkness…

She'd been asleep. She didn't know she didn't have to come up with some

ridiculous way out of this anymore.

"I'll tell my father that it was I who refused the match. I believe that will be

more convenient for all of us."

…Geez. What a class act.

Are you sure you don't want Darkness…?

Darkness was giving me a Gotcha! look. I heaved a sigh. Fine. I could

adventure with her a little longer…

That was when Darkness and I realized that two other people in the room

were wearing odd expressions.

"A grandchild… My first grandchild… Sh-sh-sh-shall I have my first lovely

grandchild…?!"

"Whaaaaaaaat?! Kazuma, when did you and Darkness get to be—y'know—

that close?! I've gotta tell everybody! Everyone in town's gotta know!"

Dad was weeping from joy, and Aqua was completely taken in. It took about a

half hour of persuading to convince them both that it wasn't true.

12

"Good gods. If I'd known things would turn out this way, I would've just

outright refused the meeting in the first place!"

"You're telling me! I admit I'm really lucky you covered for me against Lord

What's-His-Face. But look. In the future, don't pull another self-sacrifice stunt

like that. Everyone was worried sick waiting for you to come back!" I said.

"So Kazuma tries to foist Darkness on that guy Balter, and now he wants to

pretend like it was no big deal! Shows you what kind of a man he is!" Aqua

exclaimed.

"Yeah! Worried sick, indeed!" Darkness said. "Just now you were trying to get

rid of someone you didn't like…! And Aqua, I'm pretty sure you were looking to

get me married off, too."

Aqua and I just plugged our ears and pretended not to hear her.

Darkness sighed deeply—but then something seemed to occur to her.

"You know what, Kazuma? You did win our duel earlier. So what demand do

you plan to make of me? What could be worse than my most awful

imaginings…?!"

As she spoke, her cheeks got redder, and she watched me with anticipation.

Huh. I guess we did agree to something like that.

Hoo boy. What should I make her do?

Wait a second…this could be the perfect chance.

…Wait a second again.

"A-Aqua, you're…you're really close…"

"…I'm just curious what you're going to make Darkness do. What kind of

awful thing do you have in mind? Hey, I know you're angry with Darkness for

making you worry like that, but don't make it too awful, okay…?"

So Darkness watched me with anticipation, Aqua with trepidation.

"I-I'll take my time deciding after we get settled in the house…"

And with that lame attempt to buy myself time, I opened the door…

"Sob… Sniff! Th-this is too muuuuch! Megumin! It's too muuuch!"

"Stop crying! Kazuma and the others will be back soon! If they showed up

now, they would surely think I was the bad guy h— Oh."

Yunyun, a crying mess, was in our foyer.

I locked eyes with Megumin, who was trying to comfort her, and quietly

closed the door again.

But it immediately burst back open.

"Please pretend you did not see that! I can offer a full explanation!"

"Don't worry. We already knew you were a bully anyway," I said, as though I'd

figured it all out.

"I'm not! In fact, in school I used to—! But that's neither here nor there! This

is not the time to be fretting over Yunyun…!"

As the words tumbled from her mouth, Megumin waved her staff frantically.

"It's all right! I'm f-f-f-ine! She's right—this isn't the time to be fretting about

me…! Wah—waaaaah!"

"Ahh! Goodness, what a troublemaker…! Excuse me—please leave the two of

us alone for a moment!"

Then Megumin shut the door again. We could hear Yunyun and her talking

indistinctly inside.

At length, the door opened a third time, and Yunyun came out, blowing her

nose.

"S-sorry for the fuss…"

And with a little bow, she hurried on her way.

Uh…huh.

We all looked at one another, then at the mournfully departing Yunyun.

We went inside again, to find Megumin slumped exhaustedly on the carpet.

But she jumped up when she saw my face.

"Kazuma, this is bad! Most terrible!"

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out from the way you two were acting."

"No! Forget about Yunyun for a minute! That is something like a family

dispute, and you needn't concern yourself with it. I'll explain everything

sometime when we have a moment!"

Actually, I'm extremely interested in what happened, but okay.

Megumin, however, seemed like she was more concerned with something

else.

"I am more concerned with something else! It's bad—that prosecutor? Sena

or whatever her name was? She's coming here right now! And apparently she's

set on arresting you this time!"

As she spoke, she was breathless and pale.