May There Be Divine Punishment for This Dashing Thief!

1

Well, that didn't quite work out the way I'd planned. I had meant to prolong the investigation as much as I could, as an excuse to stay at the castle. But the next morning… "Seriously, Kazuma! Would it kill you to go one day without getting us in trouble? Dragging us into something like this—the nerve! Well, we're in it now, so I'll help you, but you never get to complain about my behavior ever again.

Ugh, so annoying. Kazumannoying!"

"She is right! You can never again call us troublemakers who only cause problems. Of course, we're comrades, so I will help you rather than abandon you!"

The two people who had done nothing but stuff their faces the night before were now lording it over me.

I hadn't asked either of them for their help, but when I tried to explain that to them, they insisted they would help anyway—no doubt in hopes of making me feel like I was in their debt.

Given that I was trying to catch a thief, I frankly didn't need either of them, but they seemed so gung ho about it that I decided to give up.

And now, we came to the number one candidate for Evil Noble House the Thief Was Likely to Hit.

"…and out of all the nobles in the city, you immediately came to me?"

Of course, I was talking about the second home of Axel's own despot, Alderp.

Rumor had it the targets were always the worst-behaving noble houses. And there was no end of ugly talk about this guy, so I wouldn't have been surprised if the thief showed up there.

Alderp came to the door with a bodyguard at his side, not trying to hide his displeasure, and immediately began staring openly at Darkness's body. I got it— Lewdness was lewd; I'd seen her in the bath, so I should know. But the way he was ogling her was pretty rude even by my standards.

Maybe Alderp could sense me giving him the eye, because he shot a glance my way. It seemed awfully cold somehow, but he immediately looked away again, showing no interest in me, instead focusing on Aqua. And he didn't look away from her. Aqua gave a little squeak and hid behind me.

"…My. My! I should have expected Lady Dustiness would keep such fine company! What a beauty! I could only compare you to…to a goddess!"

Aqua popped her head out from behind my back to interject. "That's no comparison—I am a goddess!"

"Ha-ha! Not just beautiful but funny, too!"

"Ooh, you're in for some divine punishment, mister!" Aqua shouted, but Alderp seemed to take that as a joke, too. And then his gaze turned to Megumin… "Well now, what have we here?"

Just as I was wondering what would come out of his mouth next, the bodyguard beside him whispered something in his ear. He was far enough away to make it difficult to hear, but I could pick up snatches.

"Lord…be c…you say. She's the wiz…-ryone says is cra…" "Her?! …-angerous, I almost…mad!"

I saw the lord's face change color as they whispered.

"Hey! I shall have you explain your motive for looking away from me. And depending on your answer, you'll find out whether I am the person this man has been whispering to you about!"

"O-oh, it's just—you're v-very sweet, and quite lovely…" "Oh yes? And? And?"

Alderp, cornered by Megumin, looked to me for help.

"…Hey! Don't you have any more praise for the defender of Axel Town? I think I'd better demonstrate just how powerful my explosion magic can be. I'm going to need that garden over there."

"No! I'm fully aware of the magnificence of your talents!"

…I think I'll let this play out.

"Er— Erm, Lady Dustiness, are you trying to say you believe I'm so evil as to be targeted by that thief? I was convinced you would never want to stay at my house, but I'm surprised to find you apparently hate me less than I thought. At the same time, I would have thought you were much too sophisticated to swallow a rumor hook, line, and sinker, and I would be most distraught if a bit of back-alley gossip has poisoned you against me. But if you really think I'm a likely target of that righteous thief, then by all means, stay here as long as you like." As he spouted his pseudo pleasantries, Alderp struggled to suppress a lecherous grin.

Darkness hurried to try to offer an excuse. "It's not that we suspect you of anything… This is simply, uh, a phase of the investigation…" I pushed past her and slipped inside. "You heard the man—we can stay as long as we want! I call the biggest room!"

"No fair, Kazuma! We should discuss things like this together! I want the room that's closest to the kitchen."

"I want the highest room in the house! I do not mind even if that means staying in the attic!"

As we ran into the house one after another, Darkness was left to mutter in embarrassment, "S-sorry. They can be a lot of trouble…" "N-not…at all… I can see it's not easy for you, either, Lady Dustiness…," Alderp replied. There was even a hint of sympathy in his voice.

According to rumor, the righteous thief we were after worked alone.

Apparently, their MO was classic Robin Hood: break in to a rich but evil noble's house, steal some money, and then give it to the orphanage. And the handful of eyewitness accounts had it that this thief was quite dashing.

Darkness muttered with a melancholy look, "What this thief is doing is a crime; it's not praiseworthy. I know it's not, and yet… Honestly, I really can't get excited about stopping this person."

We were at Alderp's mansion. I had annexed the nicest guest room as my quarters, and everyone had gathered there to work out how we were going to catch this thief.

"Uh-huh. But stealing is stealing. I hate these 'dashing' types who call themselves 'helpers of the helpless' or 'defenders of the citizenry' or whatever."

Darkness and Megumin gave me odd looks at this pronouncement.

"…Hmm. You don't exactly have such an awful face yourself. I've been wondering, do you have some kind of complex about the word dashing? You wanna talk about it?"

"I think you have a rather cool face, Kazuma. You needn't be so self-deprecating."

"S-stop it, you two. Why are you being so nice all of a sudden? You're gonna make me feel awfully small… What's with you, Aqua, looking all serious?"

She turned a beatific smile on me. "O wayward hikikomori, pray, do not criticize thyself too much. It is society's fault you're lazy, your upbringing can be blamed for your unpopularity, and your genes are at fault for your failure to flourish. No, blame not thyself but foist all responsibility onto others…" "Aw, shaddup, I'm not being that self-deprecating! My appearance is one thing, but at least my personality…! Hey, stop that, why are you all giving me those weird smiles? I keep up an average appearance, at least! Stop— Stop that! Stop being nice to me!"

I pushed away the three unaccountably sweet girls and started brainstorming how to nab the thief.

Apparently, they were usually active from about midnight until dawn. My intuition, refined through battle after battle in this world, told me that they would hit this house next.

It looked like we might be here for a while.

2

It was our second day at Alderp's mansion. I had left my assigned room and was wandering the house.

This was purely in order to investigate how the thief might get in and what they might be after. I sized up the mansion from the outside, pretending I was a thief.

Hmm, that kitchen window on the first floor is looking a little worn out. Maybe Alderp was too cheap to fix it. The frame was broken; even a rank amateur could work a stake in there and pry it open.

Right. That was how I would try to get in.

I went back inside and headed for the kitchen, imagining I had just broken in.

Any invader would probably come late at night, so the hallway would be completely dark. The Second Sight skill was available only to Archers and Adventurers, so the thief would be feeling their way in the dark, moving slowly along the wall… As I followed the probable path, running this "thief simulation" in my head, I came to a snug little room. It didn't look likely to have anything in it, but if I were a thief, I'd want to be sure. With that in mind, I opened the door… "Hrm? Oh, it's you. There's nothing in this room. Even if you don't have anything to do, don't just go wandering around the house."

Inside, I found Alderp.

Like he said, there was nothing there, just a big mirror hanging on the wall.

But then, what was he doing there?

Then I saw the bucket and towel in Alderp's hands. He must have been cleaning the room.

Wait, isn't that usually the servants' job…?

As I pondered this, a new figure appeared in the mirror on the wall.

"Huh? What's with this mirror? Is it some kind of magical item? Like, a magic mirror?"

It was a maid.

The next room over, it seemed, was the bath, which the maid was cleaning. I looked right at her, but she showed no sign of noticing me.

…Hang on a second.

"Hey, old man. You're not really polishing that mirror, are you?"

He looked away uncomfortably. "You… You want to look with me…?"

"You think I'd agree to something like that? Did you buy this mirror specifically because Darkness was staying here? I mean, as a man, I understand, but… There has to be a line somewhere. I'll keep this place a secret from my friends, but in exchange, you can't use it while I'm here, okay? And just to be sure, I think I'll sleep in this room. Come on, out, out, out!"

I made a shooing motion at Alderp. His shoulders slumped sadly, and he started for the door… …but then he stopped.

"Wait… But that means…" "Nuh-uh, stop right there! I don't want any nasty little misunderstandings. I'm not like you! I'm doing this to protect my friends!"

"Then there's no need to sleep here! It would be enough to keep an eye on me while your friends were bathing. You get out of here! I wouldn't expect a brat like you to have the proper reverence for Lalatina's naked form!"

"I hate to break it to you, but Darkness and I have already bathed together!

But either way, I don't plan to waste my valuable time keeping watch on you.

You want me to tell Darkness—let alone your maids—that you have a room like this? I'm just trying to keep everybody happy, so if you don't want every lady in the house to hate you, just keep your mouth shut!"

"You want to tell the maids? Go ahead! I pay them very generous salaries— and besides, they're maids! A bit of sexual harassment comes with the job! But let me tell you—what bodies they have! Sure you're not interested? How about I propose a little trade? I can tell we're of a kind, you and I; I can smell it on you.

We're just two men who both want to be happy."

"Are… Are their bodies really that great…?"

"Indeed! Greater than great!"

A moment passed. Then I silently extended my hand, and Alderp reached out to shake it… "Consider my interest piqued. I shall have you tell me what is so great."

Just as we were about to shake, a familiar voice came from the door. I hurriedly pulled my hand back.

We didn't need to look to see who it was. Alderp and I both pointed at each other and exclaimed: ""He was trying to peep at…!"" And so the magic mirror was shattered.

Three days had passed since we'd come to guard the house. There had been no sign of the thief yet; our lives went on peacefully, pretty much the way they had in Axel.

Aqua and Darkness had been taking frequent trips out ever since they got to the capital, and I didn't see much of them around the house. Aqua swore she was going to drive out the Eris Church, which was doing pretty well for itself around here, so she was off being annoying under the guise of evangelism.

As for Darkness, the nobles at the castle had invited her to come and get to know them a little better the past several days.

And me?

"Oh, Kazuma, good morning. Although, it is already past noon."

Megumin greeted me as I came into the dining area just after waking up. She was having lunch.

"I'm up late every night watching for that thief," I said. "I'm not just living a dissolute life. And anyway, I recall hearing you hardly slept yourself while I was away."

"?! W-well, I— Yes, I was awake rather late those nights! But I got up early anyway! More to the point, do you think the thief will show up soon?!" She seemed a little panicky. She held a piece of half-eaten bread in her hand.

What is this, some kind of romantic comedy?

"What are you so worked up about? Does this mean Darkness was right?

Were you worried about me? What a surprisingly sweet side of you…" I smirked teasingly at her, and Megumin blushed faintly.

"I… Yes, I suppose I was worried. You're so weak, but you get yourself into trouble so easily. And you don't get yourself right back out of it, like the main character in some story. Instead you just get killed."

"I-it's not like I enjoy getting myself into trouble or dying! Hey, quit it, when you turn thoughtful like that all of a sudden, how am I supposed to know what to do?!"

This unexpected counterattack threw me off. Megumin just giggled.

"And after all the things I tried back at the village… Kazuma, you can be rather meek and mild yourself." Then she grinned, as if she was getting payback for my teasing her.

Grr! It's not like she has any romantic experience, either, so how is she so able to mess with me?

Come to think of it, what even were we to each other right then? When Megumin said she "liked" me, what did that mean? If I took it at face value and said I liked her, too, she might have been all, I didn't mean like that, I meant I liked you as a friend… I remembered how annoyed I used to get with characters in manga or light novels in Japan, where it was obvious they were in love, and readers would be like, Just notice each other already! Pick up the pace!

But now I was actually in such a situation, and it was a lot more complicated than I'd thought.

I hesitated to take a step forward, afraid of shattering the pleasant relationship we'd had until now. I mean, did I even really like her that way?

Adolescent men are simple creatures. Hold their hand or show the slightest sign of interest, and they'll be head over heels in the blink of an eye.

While I sat fretting, Megumin finished her food. "Kazuma, once you're done with breakfast, will you go on a date with me?"

It was as simple as that. And then she smiled.

Megumin's voice rang out across the mountain range near the capital.

"Explooooosion!!"

This was about what I expected!

When Megumin had asked me on that date, I set about looking for somewhere outside the capital she could let off an explosion.

"Look!" Megumin exclaimed. "Did you see that? What an explosion! The power! The area of effect! Another brilliant display!"

"Uh-huh, great stuff. Ow! Hey, keep it under control—I can't give you a piggyback ride with you thrashing around like that!"

"Reprimand me if you must, but I just reduced a mountain to pebbles!"

Ever since we had gotten back from Crimson Magic Village, Megumin's passion for her explosion magic had gotten even more intense. Now that I had dumped all the skill points she'd been saving into strengthening Explosion, her blasts had gotten powerful enough to present a genuine threat to humankind.

For the residents of Axel, the roar of her once-daily explosion had become part of the scenery; nobody batted an eye at the sound. But the same wasn't true of the capital, and apparently, a lot of people had been complaining to Alderp.

Actually, even though she'd been in the capital for only a few days, Megumin already seemed to be gaining a reputation.

Ever since I'd made those changes to Megumin's Adventurer's Card back at the village, all her anxiety seemed to have disappeared, and she'd completely stopped doubting herself. I wondered why I'd decided to do that.

With Megumin riding on my back, I sighed and muttered, "I probably should have had her learn advanced magic…" "I believe you just said something I cannot overlook! Your words and actions that day were so full of emotion, and now—!"

She jabbered on as I got us home to Alderp's mansion.

One week since we came to the mansion.

Still no thief.

"Just a minute! Don't underestimate the goddess of water—you can't fool me when it comes to wine! I know there was a nice, expensive bottle in the library!

Well, hurry up and get it for me!"

That was Aqua, who in the previous week had managed to drink Alderp's house dry.

"…and my explosion blew him to pieces! That pitiful Demon King General Hans was reduced to cinders! And after that was the battle with Demon King General Sylvia. Let me tell you how I acquitted myself…" Megumin was cornering not just the maids but even Alderp himself, trapping them for half a day at a time with stories of her heroism. And as for me… "Miss Maid! Oh, Miss Maid! I believe it's time for my massage! Oh, and for dinner tonight I want white ox sukiyaki. And the king-size bed and fluffy blankets I ordered will be arriving soon, so set them up in my room!"

I had made myself completely at home.

Recently, the lot of us had taken to spending our days leisurely in the parlor together. Since we couldn't go back to the castle, I would be just as happy if this place remained at risk for the rest of our lives.

And there was Alderp, watching us vacantly, possibly having gotten a little thinner over the past few days. In a tired voice, he said, "Lady Dustiness…" At that, Darkness, who was huddled in a corner of the parlor, jumped.

"I know I told you to stay here as long as you needed to, but…" "You don't have to say anything more! I'll get them out of here right away!"

Darkness hung her head, looking ready to weep from embarrassment.

3

It had gotten to be around two or three o'clock in the morning… "Well, crap… I was sure they were gonna hit this house…" The ones who were the most active around this time were the undead and NEETs.

I found myself unable to sleep because of the generous nap I'd taken during the day, so I wandered down to the kitchen, feeling peckish.

This could be a problem. Everyone hated Alderp so much. What was that thief doing not showing up? I had been so sure that I would catch them here and that the subsequent improvement in my reputation would get me back into the castle… But we were supposed to leave this mansion tomorrow, so that would be the end of my stakeout.

Had the thief figured out we were there? And wasn't I supposed to be really lucky? What happened to that? Come to think of it, from what I'd heard, I gathered Lady Eris was the goddess of good fortune. Maybe that was it.

Darkness was an Eris follower. Maybe I'd teased her too much and upset the goddess.

Or maybe that thief just had even better Luck than I did… When I got to the kitchen, I realized someone was in there. I could sense their presence, but there were no lights on. Which, at this time of night, could only mean… …it was Aqua, who could see even better in the dark than I could and kept similar hours to mine. I was sure she was there looking for a snack to go with her drinks. I was just about to call out when someone started talking to themselves in the dark, very quietly.

"They're not even keeping watch? Maybe I overthought this… But I've been avoiding this room because of the bad feeling it gives me…" The last night before we were supposed to leave, and it looked like we finally got something. Thank you, Eris, goddess of good luck!

"Hmm…? Did I just sense something strange…?"

Whoops! We were dealing with a righteous thief here—I was sure they belonged to the Thief class. That meant they might be able to detect me using a skill like Sense Foe. I had unconsciously activated Ambush, counting on it to keep me hidden as I stuck close to the wall and stayed perfectly still in the darkness.

"Just my imagination…?"

The intruder began to shuffle through the dark room. They had to grope their way along, which meant I'd been right about them not having any skills that let them see in the dark. I came up behind the thief, closing the distance, when I noticed something.

"Okay, Sense Treasure, go! …Hmm, looks like it's over here…" Whoever heard of a thief who talked to themselves so much?

"Gotcha!"

"?!"

As I grabbed hold of the intruder, my hands cupped something soft.

That's right: This thief was a woman.

"Okay, come quietly! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! You picked the wrong guy to mess with, you dirty thief! You might have tricked those other morons, but I've gone head-to-head with several generals of the Demon King—I'm not letting some crook get away!"

"Stop! Hang— Hang on! Hey, wait, that voice—" Huh?

You know, this thief did sound kind of familiar.

"Kazuma, is that you?! Hrk! You know, you could probably stand to grab a less compromising part of me!"

"I'm just trying to restrain an intruder. Wait…" My night vision didn't allow me to see faces clearly, but I realized who this was.

"It's me! Darkness's friend—the one who taught you some skills…!"

The intruder was none other than Chris, trying to hide her identity with a bandanna around her face.

4

I reluctantly let go of Chris. I pulled out the lighter I'd gotten at Wiz's shop, and the faint light illuminated Chris, hugging herself and with tears pooling in her eyes.

"Sniff…sniff… Your hands were everywhere… How can I ever become a bride now?"

"Well, what did you want me to do? I thought you were a thief! I don't have any good skills to restrain you with. Go ahead, take me to court. I'm sure I'll win."

"I can teach you a useful skill called Bind later…" I took another look at the sniffling Chris. She was wearing black leggings and a black shirt and even had a black cloth tied around her mouth. Of course, if she was sneaking into someone's house wearing a getup like that… "So you're the righteous thief everyone's been talking about, huh?"

"I sure am. Hey, what are you doing here anyway?"

I gave her the short version. Chris scrunched up her face.

"Y-you mean Darkness is here?! Aww, no, this is bad! If she finds out I'm doing stuff like this, she'll be really angry!"

"What else would you expect? Even a righteous thief is still robbing people.

Anyway, Darkness likes you. If you just apologize, she probably won't have you killed. What's wrong is wrong. Own up to what you've done and pay the price."

"Hold on! You're making a big mistake; I swear there's a reason for this!"

Of course she had her reasons. But I had mine, too. Right now, I needed to do something heroic.

Besides, since she was Darkness's friend, it would probably make it harder to punish her. All the nobles she stole from had made their money illicitly anyway, and no one would want a big public trial. If she played her cards right, I figured Chris could get off with an out-of-court settlement.

As I was busy thinking about all this, I heard something coming our way. I guess we'd made too much noise.

Chris looked up at me from where she was sitting on the floor, appearing to have made up her mind. "Looks like I don't have a choice. I'll tell you what's really going on. If we explain everything to Darkness, I'm sure she'll understand —she'll probably even help!"

Those resolute eyes gave me a very bad feeling. I knew what was coming next.

"I have a good reason for breaking into these nobles' houses and stealing from them…" It was what always came next: I would get stuck in yet another dangerous escapade!

"No, stop right there; I don't want to hear it! And you don't have to tell Darkness, either!"

Chris looked perplexed by this outburst. But I knew Darkness. She was so dense, if she heard that something bad was happening, she could never let it go. I wanted to do something heroic, yes, but even more than that, I wanted to do something safe. And wherever this conversation was going, it would more than likely involve danger.

"Huh? B-but…" "Nope! Come on, run away before someone gets here! I'll pretend I never saw you!" I started shoving Chris toward the kitchen.

"Wh-what? But I…I really want your help…" "La-la-la, I can't hear you! Anyway, think about it! There's a disgusting lecher of a lord heading this way! If he sees a female thief here…" "C-consider me gone, for today! I'll find another chance to tell you what's going on!"

"No, don't come back! I-in fact, use Bind on me! Then I'll have an excuse for how you got away!"

"G-good call! Here goes—Bind!"

Chris pulled out a rope and invoked the skill, and my body was tied up. Then she scampered away, out the kitchen window and into the night.

"Kazuma, are you okay?!"

The first person to arrive was Darkness, carrying a lantern. Aqua and Megumin were close behind her.

"Oh no…!" Megumin exclaimed. "Someone hit Kazuma with Bind! What happened to the thief?!"

"I almost had him—but he got away! He got me when my guard was down…!"

I did my best to look genuinely frustrated in my predicament.

"So he got away. Still, it's not your fault. This person has hit one heavily guarded noble mansion after another and has still never been caught. I'm more worried about you. Are you hurt? What kind of person are we dealing with here?" Darkness knelt beside me and tried to loosen the bonds, but because these ropes were created by the Bind skill, it couldn't be done.

"The thief was a guy in a weird mask. He was crazy quick—I'll bet he could get the drop on one of the Demon King's generals if they weren't careful."

"Th-this must be quite the opponent—!" Megumin started, shocked.

Then Aqua, who hadn't said anything until that moment, slipped up close to me and knelt down. "…By the way, Kazuma. You look kind of like you're in a cocoon… Can you move at all?"

"What do you think? I almost had that thief cornered, but then he used Bind on me. Hey, you can't get rid of it with your magic or something, can you? I know you can break spirit barriers and stuff."

"Who do you think I am? Of course I can do it." She was smiling.

"That's my Aqua, always coming through when it counts! Hurry up and untie me, then. It sucks not being able to move." I asked Aqua—who was being a little friendlier than usual—for her help, but at the same time I had a bit of a bad feeling.

"Hey, Kazuma. I know it's kind of an awkward time, but I'd like to apologize to you…" "…For what? Spit it out."

Okay, now it was a really bad feeling.

"Well, you see… Since you didn't come back from the castle for so long, I messed up your room just to kill time. And, uh… That figure, or whatever it was, that you were making? It kind of broke when I played with it."

Now I was spoiling for a fight. When I got out of those ropes, she was gonna get it. But at the moment, I didn't exactly have the upper hand. There wasn't much I could do.

"H-hey, whatever. I can make another one. Just say you're sorry, and it's water under the bridge. But first, hurry up and untie me…" "You'll forgive me? Great! In that case, I've got lots more to confess. Let me get it all off my chest now. Actually, I figured since no one was using your room anyway, I would do some drinking there. I mean, when I drink in my room, it's such a pain to have to clean up the bottles and the leftover snacks when I'm done, right? So I got a little drunk and…broke some other stuff, too." Her face, but not her voice, seemed apologetic as she chirped, "Sorrrrry!"

(Image)

Oh, she'll pay… Apologizing while I was immobilized? What a dirty move! But if I gave her a piece of my mind then, while I still couldn't move, there was no telling what she might do to me.

"D-don't worry about it. We're friends, right? It was my fault for not coming home! So now that your conscience is clear, you can—" But Darkness and Megumin shoved Aqua aside.

Darkness: "Oh! I've just realized…" Megumin: "…how much fun we can have with him like this!"

The lantern illuminated their devious grins.

Alderp heard the commotion and came running into the dim kitchen with his bodyguard.

"What in the world is going on?! Has the thief broken—? Wait, what is going on here?!"

No sooner had he come in than he saw me and stopped.

As soon as I saw him, I cried, "Help meee!"

Darkness was looking down at me, really enjoying herself. "No, not 'Help meee!' I told you, say 'I'm sorry for being so high and mighty recently! I'm sorry for causing you nothing but trouble! I'm sorry for embarrassing you over and over!'" "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for causing you trouble! I'm sorry for embarrassing you!"

"I want to hear you say those words again—those cool words you said before!

So tell me: How many points was my explosion?"

"Stop it! That's something I can only say once! Don't try to get me to say it again; it's embarrassing!"

"No, it's not! Go ahead, say it—come on, don't be shy!"

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! I think I like being in control every once in a while! Now, next you're going to say…" With tears in my eyes, I turned toward the man I had once hated and begged for his help.

"Lord Alderrrrrp!!"

5

The next morning.

We'd come to the castle to report what had happened the night before. We were in a room deep in the building called the audience chamber.

Claire was speaking, and she was none too happy with me.

"I see. So after all that boasting, you were thwarted by a simple Bind skill?"

On the throne at the far end of the audience chamber, in place of the king, who was away on campaign, sat Iris.

I could hardly admit that the thief was an adventurer we knew, so I made up a fictional villain: a masked master burglar.

"Well, I'd hardly call it a complete failure! If I hadn't been there, Old Man Alderp might be a lot poorer right about now!"

That set the nobles talking. I was surprised how many people seemed to be saying that that might not have been such a bad thing.

"…Hmm. Very well. These are the words of the great Kazuma, conqueror of the Demon King's generals. I'm sure there's no need to bring in a magical lie detector. Yes, this thief must have been quite the opponent."

She didn't exactly sound like she believed me.

Behind me, I could feel Megumin prickle at Claire's sarcastic response.

Darkness hurriedly put a stop to whatever Megumin had been about to do. Iris rose from her throne.

"Ahem… In any case, excellent work! You didn't fail at capturing the thief— you succeeded at preventing a burglary. You deserve no blame!" Her face was red, and her little fist was clenched.

I thanked her silently.

With a disturbed expression, Claire said, "Such is the generosity of Princess Iris. You gave your word, in front of many nobles, that you would accomplish a task, and yet you failed. Normally that would warrant punishment. You should be grateful for the princess's mercy." She paused. "But since you failed to capture the thief, there's no reason for you to stay at the castle. Now get out!"

As we worked our way out of the castle, the maids and butlers we encountered acted cold toward us. Apparently, they'd gotten word of my failure. Now everyone knew that I was nothing special.

"Ehhh, don't worry about it," Darkness said. "You did good. Just like Princess Iris said, you did manage to keep the thief from stealing anything. Come on, let's go home. I won't even bug you to find work for a while. We're going to get a windfall from Vanir, right? Let's kick back."

"Have you had your fun, Kazuma?" Megumin asked. "Let's go back to Axel.

We can lounge around our mansion just as well as this castle, right?"

They were trying to comfort me. And even I wasn't exactly married to the idea of being a NEET in this castle. What bothered me was Iris, who, despite being just a twelve-year-old kid, had to work so hard never to seem self-indulgent.

The thought of her all by herself in this huge castle wouldn't stop eating at me.

But the difference in our social status was huge, and even if I stuck around the capital, there was no telling whether I could be any use to her. I hated to say it, but I had run out of cards to play.

I looked back at the looming castle and sighed, keenly aware of my own powerlessness.

"…Yeah. I guess we'd better go home."

Darkness and Megumin looked relieved. What, were they afraid I'd get caught up in something else if I stayed here in the capital?

"Hey, Kazuma, how about we wait until tomorrow to go home? I want to buy souvenirs. There's lots of good wine in the capital. Hey, you don't have anything else to do, right? Come shopping with me!"

There went Aqua, as oblivious to the mood as ever.

"The wines around here aren't so great. Michael's shop in Axel has better stuff."

"Who the hell is Michael? And you're starting to cozy up to the locals, aren't you? A little while ago, the butcher came by with a top cut of meat. He said it was for 'healing an injury.'" Aqua had muscled me, and me alone, into accompanying her on her shopping trip. I had sent Darkness and Megumin to find us somewhere to stay tonight.

I wished the thoughtless Aqua would learn a thing or two from Iris, who was so well loved by everyone around her.

"Hey, that's the first I've heard about that. I don't remember getting any meat…" "You and Megumin happened to be out at the time. Darkness and I hadn't had lunch yet, so she cooked it up and we ate it."

I was just fending off a physical assault from Aqua when someone called out from behind us.

"Oh? Lady Aqua, fancy meeting you here!"

Standing there was a weirdo I hadn't seen in a long time: the Sword Master, wielder of an enchanted blade. He came from Japan, just like me, and I was pretty sure his name was…Matsurugi, right?

I was used to seeing him with a girl on each arm, but today he was alone.

Aqua sounded a bit confused. "Wh-who are you again?"

She was the one who had sent him here, and she had already forgotten he existed.

Matsurigi seemed to think this was funny. "You always did love jokes, didn't you, milady?"

Aqua, however, was trying to hide behind me. She whispered in my ear, "Hey, Kazuma, who is this person? He seems to think he knows me…" "U-um, it's me, milady. You chose me to save this world and gifted me a magic sword. I'm a Sword Master. My name is—" "His name is Katsuragi," I said. "Don't you remember him?"

"K-Katsuragi?! I'm Mitsurugi! You could at least remember my name!" He was shouting so loud, a vein stood out on his forehead.

The name didn't seem to be jogging Aqua's memory. It had been a while since we'd talked, but we had at least seen him around, like at the battle with Destroyer.

"Not ringing any bells? He's the guy with the enchanted sword Gram?"

Aqua clapped her hands as if she'd finally remembered. Even Mitsurugi seemed to realize at this point that she wasn't being funny but had actually forgotten him.

"S-say, Kazuma Satou… You didn't really forget my name, did you? Tell me, what's my first name…?"

"I really don't think we're friendly enough to be on a first name basis yet."

"It's Kyouya! If you don't remember, just say so! Kyouya Mitsurugi! And I'll thank you to remember it this time!" he shouted, sounding more and more agitated. He put his hands to his temples and shook his head. Finally he let out a sigh, as if he had calmed down somewhat. "…Sheesh. I see I'll have to settle things with you. I've gotten stronger since we last met. I won't let you get away with your dirty tricks this time! Now face me again!"

"What are you talking about? Things are settled. We fought; I won. I'm not going another round with you. I beat you when I was a total newb. Just accept it and move on."

"You…" He almost looked sad, but I knew that if I went fair and square against an advanced class with a magic sword, I had no hope of winning.

After a moment, Mitsurugi sighed. "…Never mind. Actually, I'm glad I ran into you. It's perfect timing. We need to talk."

All of a sudden he looked very serious.

Aqua and I sat down at one of the capital's many cafés to talk with Mitsurugi.

Once we had placed our orders, he put his hands on the table and leaned forward slightly.

"Let's start from the top… Well, first I have something I want to give to Lady Aqua."

He took out an object. It was a small package in cute wrapping paper.

…Oh?

He put it in front of Aqua, who was industriously folding her napkin into something artistic.

"Lady Aqua. I don't think I ever see you wearing any accessories. And let me say, your beauty is in no way diminished by their absence… But if you'd like, please accept this…" It was enough to set my teeth on edge. I'd bet this guy wasn't a gamer back in Japan. I'd bet he actually enjoyed off-line life.

"What's that? You're giving this to me?"

"Yes, milady. It's just a cheap bauble; I worry that it won't suit your exalted tastes…" He had a soft smile on his face. What a smooth operator.

It made me sick.

"Hey, where's your arm candy?" I asked. "You send 'em away so you can flirt a bit?"

"They aren't my arm candy; they're my valued companions! And right now, they're off raising their levels in the next country. I tend to dominate the hunting when we go out together, you see. I put a stop to the Demon King each time he tries something here."

Aqua ignored us and opened her gift. It turned out to be a small ring. It sure didn't look cheap—it was really classy, in fact. I guess Mitsurugi was just being humble. But how did he know Aqua's ring size?

Just as I was thinking this… "…? It's too small—it doesn't fit." Aqua had tried a couple of times to get it on her finger and had quickly given up.

Mitsurugi gave a wry smile. "The ring is enchanted. The size should—" But he was interrupted by Aqua exclaiming, "Kazuma, Kazuma, look at this!"

She covered the ring with her napkin. "Ta-daa!" She pulled away the napkin, and the ring was gone without a trace.

"…Wow. That's really neat, but where did the ring go?" I asked her.

"…Huh? I made it disappear. How should I know where it goes?"

"Uhhh," Mitsurugi said dumbly.

Gee… I feel a little bad for him.

"It may have been a cheap thing that didn't fit, but at least I was able to get a good magic trick out of it. Thanks!" Aqua gave him an innocent, carefree smile.

Mitsurugi could barely speak.

"B-but of course…! I'm thrilled to have assisted in your magic trick…" He gave a dry laugh.

Gee… I feel really bad for him.

Aqua went back to folding her napkin, humming as if nothing had happened.

Mitsurugi looked at her with a mix of adoration and pity, then turned to me.

"Okay, let's talk. This involves you, too, even if you don't know it."

In summary: The reason Beldia, the general of the Demon King, had been sent to Axel in the first place was that the king's prophets had spoken of a great light descending in that area. The king sent Beldia to investigate, not quite sure whether to believe it or not. Then Beldia was killed, and Vanir, who followed him, went missing. Sylvia, the general who had attacked Crimson Magic Village, had been finished off, too.

Apparently, there was a rumor making the rounds in the Demon King's army that a particular party of adventurers had somehow been involved in each of these incidents. The Demon King was now rather interested in that party. It was possible he would attack Axel, the town where these adventurers had their base, or he might send another subordinate.

And I had a sinking feeling that the adventurers in question were my party members and me.

"But what about that 'great light' that supposedly descended around Axel?"

I nonchalantly looked over at Aqua, who sat beside me diligently working on something. Mitsurugi followed my glance.

"I think it was Lady Aqua," he said. "Though I once wondered if this light that so alarmed the Demon King might have been myself… D-don't look at me like that…" He had noticed my This guy has the best misunderstandings stare and frowned in annoyance.

As we exchanged facial expressions, Aqua said, "Done!" Then she said to Mitsurugi, "Here, you can have this. To thank you for that ring. The title of this piece is Goddess Transformer Eris. Her chest armor comes on and off and allows for up to three different transformations."

She handed the napkin to Mitsurugi, but I'd be damned if anyone understood what she was going on about. He took it with a strained smile.

"Ha-ha, thank you very much, Lady Aqua. I'll take good care of—" ""Whoa!"" As he spoke, he looked down at the napkin. He and I both noticed it at the same time. The folded napkin really did look like Lady Eris. It was way beyond simple origami; it could only be called art.

"…Hey, Aqua, make one of these for me, too."

"No way, I never make the same thing twice. How about a Martial Arts Action General Winter? I could make that for you."

"Uh, okay, sure. Yes please."

Aqua silently set to work folding another napkin. The sight caused Mitsurugi to stand up, smiling.

"Kazuma Satou. Kindly look after Lady Aqua until I get a little bit stronger." He turned to her. "With that, Lady Goddess, I must be going. I will treasure this napkin creation."

Aqua looked up at him with a Huh? "…? Oh, sure. Catch you next time… Hey, Kazuma, you're sure you want it to transform, right?"

"Obviously! Who wouldn't?"

Mitsurugi looked at us, almost sadly. "You and Lady Aqua really are a good match, aren't you?"

And then, with a word of farewell, he left us.

On the way back to our inn… "You know, I feel like that's the first time in a while anyone has called me 'goddess.' That Katsuragi isn't such a bad guy."

If you really think that, you could at least remember his name.

Although it was also sort of my fault for calling him Katsuragi in the first place.

I looked at Aqua, obliviously spouting BS, and thought: The Demon King is worried about this ditz?

…He couldn't be.

Nope, definitely not.

"Never mind," I said. "What do you want for dinner? The capital area is more of a battleground than Axel, so apparently you can get fresh meat from stronger monsters. And all the inns here use the freshest ingredients they can, so you get a meal that's delicious and earns you lots of experience points. I feel like having something really rich. Let's buy some kind of expensive meat and grill it up."

"Me, I want something nice and light. Raw vegetables, maybe some seared meat. Something that would go with a strongish wine."

"Okay, let's play a game to decide. But Mitsurugi reminded me you're a goddess, so I'll give you a special handicap. Three rounds of rock, paper, scissors, and if you win even one of them, we'll eat what you want."

"Oh, what's this? How generous of you, Kazuma. With a setup like that, we might as well not even play! But oh well. Here goes! Rock—paper—" She may have been a goddess, but she totally lacked the ability to learn, which meant she'd forgotten that I'm an extremely good rock, paper, scissors player. I went back to the inn carrying a cut of top-quality meat.

That night.

I had been asleep in my bed, but I was suddenly awakened by the sense that someone was there.

"…up… Wake up, already…!"

The voice was familiar. In the dark, I could just make out someone beside my bed.

"Perverrrrt!"

"Ahhh! Hey! It's me! It's Chris! Stop—what do you think you're grabbing?

Stop it! Darkness! Darkness, help meeee!"

Once I had apprehended the intruder, I realized it was just Chris.

"Oh, it's you, Chris. If you're sneaking in here in the middle of the night, I'm assuming you don't want everyone to know what you've come to talk to me about. So why call to Darkness for help?"

"Y-you're impossible! I'm pretty sure you only grabbed the 'intruder' after you knew it was me! And if you're just trying to hold someone down, you don't have to grab them there, do you?!"

Chris was breathing hard in the darkness. I had thought our Crusader might come running when she heard the commotion, but it didn't seem like anyone had woken up.

"Geez, I really can't let my guard down with you… As much as I really, really hate to have to rely on you of all people, I don't have a choice."

(Image)

"Hey, you're the one who practically crawled into my bed in the middle of the night and then shouted when I grabbed you. What are you trying to do, set me up?"

"I didn't crawl into your bed! And I'm not trying to set you up! I told you I would come explain why I was breaking into houses, didn't I?! H-hey! Stop pretending you can't hear me!"

Chris grabbed onto me. I had my hands over both my ears and was trying to bury myself back under my covers.

"I told you back at Alderp's mansion that I didn't want to know, didn't I?! I'm already angry about being kept away from the princess, so come back some other time. Like maybe next year!"

"It has to be now! Come on, listen to me! I swear there's a reason I'm breaking into these nobles' houses…!"

I was still deep under my covers and continuing my attempts to resist, but Chris started explaining anyway… In this world, there were exceptionally powerful magical items and equipment called "Sacred Treasures." As the name implied, they were not easy to get your hands on. But the people who did have them tended to share a few personal characteristics. They usually had black hair and black eyes and weird names.

"In other words, people with weird names like yours are usually the only ones who can get Sacred Treasures."

"My name is weird? You're acting like I'm a member of the Crimson Magic Clan or something."

My resistance had been in vain; the pillow I had stuck my head under had been torn away, and now I was listening to Chris explain something that didn't make a lot of sense to me.

I had heard about divine items from Aqua. In fact, I had seen a catalog of them—they were the overpowered "cheat items" I could have picked from when I came to this world.

"As it happens, two such items lost their owners—I don't know how. But apparently, a certain noble bought them."

"I see."

According to her, the owners of the divine items had died, and their possessions had become fair game. One of these items summoned a random monster, which could then be controlled without paying any additional cost.

The other allowed you to trade bodies with another person.

Being able to control a monster sounded like a powerful ability, and I could understand why someone might want it. But who had brought the body-switch item here—and what had they planned to do with it?

As I sat wondering about this, Chris was swinging her legs from the edge of the bed. "So one of my thief skills is Sense Treasure, which lets me know when there's rare loot around. I'm using that skill to search every house in the capital."

"And you think the only people with the spare cash to buy something like a Sacred Treasure are nobles who got rich illegally?"

"Yes, exactly! But once I got in, I didn't find the divine item. I've always wanted to be a noble thief, so I helped myself to a bit of their dirty money!"

So she basically decided to turn Robin Hood on the spot?

"That mansion you were staying in sent my treasure sense off the charts.

That's why I snuck in there."

"I get it. At least, I get why you were breaking into people's houses. I still don't know what you want with those Sacred Treasures, though."

Chris scratched the scar on her cheek with a hint of embarrassment. "Why I'm after those divine items…? Well, maybe I can tell you, eventually. Anyway, did you see any treasure in that mansion that might fit the bill? That old guy, Alderp or whoever, did you see him use any amazing magical items?"

"He had a magic mirror that let him see into the bath. But other than that, no, no awesome magical items… Wait, are you sure the treasure you were sensing wasn't Aqua's feather mantle? She claimed that was once a divine item."

That completely took the wind out of Chris's sails. "W-well, maybe, then… But look, there's a reason I snuck in here, too."

I knew it!

"No way! I don't want to get caught up in any more dangerous escapades!

And everything you've said sounds plenty dangerous already!"

"Hey! No, hear me out! Listen, I sense a major treasure at the castle, too. One at least as big as what I sensed at Alderp's mansion!"

"I think it's pretty common for castles to have treasure in them. So what?"

"As I recall, you have the Second Sight skill, don't you? You can see in the dark! And I know I taught you Ambush and Sense Foe. With those abilities, you and I can sneak in—" "I'm not gonna be your accomplice! I've had a bad feeling ever since I ran into you at Alderp's mansion. No way am I helping you with this!"

"Don't say that! I'm not done yet! If we don't get this Sacred Treasure, it's going to spell trouble for everyone!"

"Well, if it's that important, I think you'd better get in touch with an actual hero, then! Hey, I've got a thought. There's a guy name Mitsurugi in town. If you tell him a missing Sacred Treasure is going to fall into the wrong hands and be used for evil, you'll have him at hello!"

"You coward! I want you to do it! Fine! I'll go wake up Darkness and ask her!"

"Hey, stop! Darkness is a noble, too. If the other nobles find out you're the thief, she could be in real trouble!"

"But I—" "Just get out of here already! Go home, or I'll use that Bind skill I learned from you last night, and then you'll find out what sexual harassment really means!

Incidentally, that little ruse turned into a real pain in the neck!"

"Wait! O-okay, I'll leave for today. But I'll be back to talk again tomorrow!"

"No! Don't come back at all! Bin—" "Th-that's all for today! See ya!"

Chris opened the window and leaped out, nearly in tears. She disappeared into town. Dawn was just breaking.

Arrrgh. Seriously, no more dangerous stuff! Tell me again what happened to my supposed good luck.

O goddess of good fortune, Honored Eris—I'll even convert to the Eris Church when we get back to Axel. Just please let me live in peace!

With that prayer, I settled back into bed… …until I was woken up again by a blaring announcement that might as well have been aimed directly at me.