A Claim on This Abrupt Marriage Talk!

1

The Dark God Wolbach, general of the Demon King's army. One of the kingdom's most wanted, a villain who had harassed the capital's elite troops with powerful explosion magic despite the fact that some of her power was still sealed away.

The Demon King's general and a possible goddess? Whatever. We took her out and proved that our party was the real deal and not just a bunch of lucky idiots.

And now that we had led a group of top-tier adventurers to victory against the Demon King's army and our fame had started to spread far and wide… "I think we should go capture a wild Dullahan."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

I was lounging on a sofa in the mansion while Megumin watched in concern.

"What's with you, Kazuma? Have you spontaneously come to believe in the Axis Church and developed a desire to exterminate the undead? Well, I think that's wonderful, but you don't see wild Dullahans every day. You'll have to make do with skeletons and ghosts for a while."

I turned to the eternally out-of-it Aqua and launched into an explanation of why I wanted to capture a wild Dullahan. "I want to get my hands on one of those so I can learn the Herald Death skill. I really need it for a plan I've got in mind. Do you know if there's, like, a Dullahan spawn point around here anywhere?"

"Huh?! First it's Drain Touch, a Lich ability, and now this! What is your obsession with disgusting, filthy skills? Hand over your Adventurer's Card! I'm putting all your skill points into good, clean party-trick abilities like mine!"

"Hey, knock it off, you idiot! You can't do that! At least give me your healing magic or something!"

I shoved Aqua away as she tried to grab my Adventurer's Card. Darkness, sitting on the couch with Chomusuke on her knees, eyed me suspiciously. The little fur ball had gotten meaner and meaner toward Aqua ever since our last trip, looking for any opportunity to bite at her feather mantle. In other words, she was turning into a cat with attitude.

"Why do you want to learn a nasty skill like that? You know Dullahans rank right below vampires and Liches when it comes to undead, don't you? They don't show up out of the blue."

I was disappointed to hear that. In a world where Liches ran small-town shops with demons for assistants, I wouldn't have been surprised to find a Dullahan working in a haunted house somewhere.

Megumin, picking up on my reaction, asked nervously, "What do you have in mind? If you want a skill that powerful, Kazuma, you must be thinking of fighting an awfully serious enemy. Can I help you somehow? Can my Explosion, which has buried so many generals of the Demon King, not be of use?"

I tried to smile, not wanting to worry my companions, who were so eager to help. "No, that's not it. Thanks, Megumin. I'm sure your Explosion will help.

You're right—no use pining after something I can't have… All right, Megumin, you and I are going to the next country over! We'll drop an explosion on the neighboring capital, then send 'em a letter: If you don't want to suffer from any more explosions, break off the engagement with Princess Iris. We, the Demon King's army, will never recognize the marriage—" "Have you lost your mind?! I thought you'd been acting strange ever since you got that letter from Lady Iris… Is this what you've been plotting?! You wanted Herald Death so you could curse Lady Iris's betrothed, didn't you?! Why would the Demon King's army even care about that?!"

Darkness was not happy with my perfect plan.

"How dare you insult me like that! Yes, I was hoping to put a curse on Iris's future husband or whatever. 'Huh?!' they would say. 'This is definitely the work of the Demon King. Capturing princesses is his job, after all. He didn't want anyone horning in on his racket. We have highly skilled Arch-priests here, so we can remove the curse, but he might simply get cursed again. Until the Demon King is defeated, the only thing to do is to break off the engag—'" "Despicable! This man is the worst! You want to use precious skill points for a low-down dirty thing like that? You should be ashamed!"

Now Megumin was piling on, too.

"I know Cooking, I know Flee, and now you complain about the kinds of skills I'm learning? I even learned the Read Lips skill recently so I could find out if adventurers at the Guild were talking about me behind my back."

"Y-you really have given up all pretense of adventuring. At least don't drag Megumin into your ridiculous plans."

I was being lectured by one person who knew only Explosion and another who had put all her skill points into defense. They didn't have any right to talk. I wanted to tell them to learn a few useful skills themselves before offering criticism.

…Weirdly enough, the only one who didn't seem to get drawn into this discussion was Aqua. "I'd be happy to be a part of that plan," she said finally. "I like the part where we blame the Demon King for everything. Smearing the Demon King's name is considered to be one of the obligations of members of the Axis Church, after all."

"Don't tell me you Axis people are the reason the Demon King has it out for humanity."

I really did have a reason for bringing this up all of a sudden.

I had gotten a letter from Iris just the other day. In it, she had asked me to be her bodyguard on a trip to a neighboring country to meet her future husband for the first time. Seeing as I'm basically her adoptive brother, I couldn't say no to anything my little sister wanted. I had recently been making preparations for the trip, like sharpening my sword (which I hadn't been caring for at all) so I could take on any good-for-nothing who thought he was going to get his hands on my adorable little sister.

"Okay, fine, we'll take the legal route. We agree to be her bodyguards, then interfere every chance we get. This could be a great opportunity to use up some of the skill points I've got lying around—if I can get someone to teach me a useful skill…" At that point, I was busy muttering to myself and hadn't noticed.

Darkness was looking at me, deeply disturbed.

2

The day after all this happened.

"Hey. Mind telling me just what the hell's going on?"

When I woke up a bit past noon, I found myself tied up helplessly on my bed for some reason.

"Ah, Kazuma, you're awake. Sorry, but for the next few days, I'm going to have to keep you tied up. Don't worry—I'll bring you the richest food I can find, and I'll help tend to all your needs. If there's anything you want, I'll send a servant to get it posthaste."

I didn't know when Darkness had gotten into my room, but she was looking at me triumphantly and firing up the crazy train first thing in the morning.

I didn't think she could have gone crazy from the heat. Summer was almost over.

"Did that screw in your head finally come loose? What's the big idea tying me up? You're the one who's into that, not me. Are you so madly in love with me that you couldn't hold yourself back anymore?"

"I am so not in love with an arrogant loudmouth like you! And don't talk about who likes what. This has nothing to do with my preferences." She glared down at me where I lay on the bed.

"You're such a pain. You kissed me and stuff—even if it was on the cheek— and now you're not into me all of a sudden? The tsundere act is really getting old, y'know."

"I beg your pardon?! Look, that has nothing to do with this. And to think, after we had such a nice moment, I saw you chatting with one person and flirting with… Never mind—now isn't the time. We need to talk about Lady Iris."

Apparently ready to move past her tongue-lashing, Darkness cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry, Kazuma. Regarding the bodyguard request Lady Iris sent us, I've taken the liberty of writing a letter of refusal. She'll be leaving in three days, so until I'm sure she's safely on her way, it's the ropes for you. Just take it easy until then."

She truly did look a little apologetic… "Oh, you gotta be— Is that what this is about?! If we don't do something, my little sister is gonna be married off to some rando!"

"Says a commoner from gods-know-where! If you're any better than any other wanderer, then tell me about your background already! …You know, I've always wanted to ask you. What country do you come from? Why do you sometimes display such unusual knowledge? And why do you so frequently lack the basic manners and common sense of an ordinary human be—?!"

"Megumiiin! Aquaaaa! Save me—our perv-sader can't even wait till after lunch to tie me up!"

"H-hey, you, don't make it sound so weird! And I'm sorry to tell you this, but Aqua and Megumin happen to be out of the house right now. All that's left is to summon a servant from my own home and have you transported, bed and all, to my mansion. If we let you guard Lady Iris, I can only imagine the diplomatic problems you'd cause. This is in the best interest of our country, so just bear with it."

"I wouldn't cause 'diplomatic problems'! I learned how to act like a noble back when I was living in the castle, and I wouldn't be rude, so let me go!"

"Rudeness is like second nature to you!" Darkness crouched down to look me in the eye, like she was talking to a child throwing a tantrum. "If you sit quietly, I'll feed you some delicious delicacies. You're a simple layabout NEET anyway, aren't you? What could be better than having an excuse to sleep all day and have someone else take care of you?"

I suddenly realized this wasn't the time. "…Yeah, you're right about that.

Okay, I understand."

"Y-you do…?! There's been so much working and fighting recently, a few quiet days with you would be really—" —nice, I think she was about to say, shy smile on her face and everything, but I immediately broke in:

"Right, then, I've been desperate to go to the bathroom ever since I woke up.

Hurry up and do something about it."

Blunt and to the point.

"…Huh?"

"Don't 'huh' me. Didn't you say you'd take care of all my needs? I assume you meant all my needs."

"...…Huh?"

Darkness merely stood there, frozen.

"So consider this my first order. Darkness, help me pee."

"Whaaaaaa—?!"

"Don't 'whaaaaaa' me—just do it. Talk about your worthless noblewomen.

I'm just asking you to keep your word. Hop to it already."

This was not sexual harassment. I could hardly move a muscle, so what else was I supposed to do?

Yep. I was totally in the right.

"Wh-wh-whoa! That's not what I meant! That is, Kazuma, I did say I would see to your needs, but not like tha— Wait a moment!"

"How am I supposed to wait? I woke up, and now I need to pee. It's practically a law of nature. And just so you know, this is how it's going to be every day from now on, got it? I don't want some weirdo servant from your house who I've never met manhandling me. So hurry up."

"Urrrgh… B-but…" Darkness was reduced to a gibbering wreck.

"C'mon—this isn't funny anymore. How much time are you gonna waste being embarrassed? I helped you go to the bathroom, remember? I helped you pull down your pants, and I even helped you reach the toilet paper. We've known each other too long to get all flustered over something like this. Hurry up and untie me. Just the bottom is fine."

I could feel the pee coming, and I was getting desperate.

Darkness, though, said in a small voice, "…I can't."

"…Wh-what?" I sputtered.

Darkness looked down apologetically. "I wasn't thinking about having to help with…that stuff. Wh-what am I gonna do? I used a really powerful magical item to bind you, and the binding can't be undone until it wears off. You're stuck for the next three days…" "You moron! What am I supposed to do, lie here for three days?! You gotta be kidding me! I swear I'll make you suffer the same fate!"

Darkness turned red and fidgety under my verbal assault. "The s-same fate…?"

"Don't get all excited; this is an emergency! Gah, dammit!"

I raised my head—the only thing I could move—and took stock of my situation. It looked like I had been subjected to some form of Bind; ropes made of an almost rubbery material ran from my shoulders to my knees. They didn't look very strong, but if the item really was that powerful, then it was probably no use trying to break free of my bonds.

I might be able to barely slip out, though.

"Hey, Darkness, with your strength, you should be able to loosen a rope a tiny bit. Slide one of the ropes on my lower body aside just a little. Then you can pop me out and I can take it from there."

"A-all right, let me handle it!"

Still a bit red, Darkness got to work on the ropes. They were nice and tight, but I thought we could produce just enough of a gap to free my…you know.

"Okay, good work. I've got a pee bottle over there. Could you grab it for me?"

"...Why do you have something like that? Why in the world would you—?"

"A NEET's gotta do what a NEET's gotta do. You know how much of a pain it is to get up and go to the bathroom in the winter when it's freezing cold. That thing's a lifesaver."

"I—I had no idea you had sunk so low… Well, I will admit to its convenience in this scenario. I'll set it right here." With a look of disgust, Darkness placed the pee bottle in front of me… "Hey, I can't go like this. I need you to pull down my pants and help me do my business."

"What?!"

How did she think this was going to work?

"Don't 'what' me—my hands are tied, and I can't move an inch. And you're the one who put me in this situation! Seriously, hurry up! The dam's gonna burst!"

"Y-y-yeah, but—! Oh, for…" Darkness, on the verge of tears, looked away and reached out.

Then, with my pants halfway down, she made a strange face.

"Hmm…? Hey, Kazuma, your pants are stuck on something; I can't pull them down… Wait, is that…?"

"Sorry. Happens every morning. It's just biology."

...… "W-waaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

"Aaaaaagggh!! What are you doing?! Stop it! Stop! You're gonna rip it off!" I won't say exactly what it was, but I forgot all about amusing myself by harassing Darkness and gave a heartfelt scream. "What's wrong with you?! I almost did a class change on my sex! I swear, you remember this, 'cause I'm gonna make you cry when these ropes come off!"

"You're already making me cry… Hey, Kazuma, how about we give up on this?

Come on—Aqua will be home soon, and we can have her use Create Water and Purification to clean everything up…" "You're telling me to do it in my pants! You're telling me to just give up and pee myself! Stop being a moron and help me out! The reason you can't do it is because you're trying to look away, but you're the one who got us into this mess, so take some responsibility and help me!"

Darkness reached for my pants again, her eyes fixed firmly on my lower body this time. "Grrr, it wasn't supposed to be this way…! I just wanted to keep Lady Iris safe by ensuring you'd stay away from her… B-but now that I think about it, for a noblewoman like me to be forced to take care of someone's bathroom needs, to be ordered to look—maybe it's not so bad after all…" "Listen, you idiot, quit flapping your gums and hurry! We're almost out of time! …Crap, I can't do it. I can't hold it any longer!"

"N-no, Kazuma, I'm taking care of it right now! Don't relieve yourself yet!

Aaarrrgh, if Aqua or Megumin saw us now…!"

She didn't get to finish her sentence. I felt a pair of eyes on me from the door.

I looked over to find Aqua peering through the half-open doorway like a housekeeper walking in on her employers.

"Woooooooow… I had no idea Darkness and Kazuma had gotten to the point where they were doing such dirty things together… I'm gonna go let everyone at the Guild know all about this!"

""Hold it right there!"" "Phew. You saved my neck, Aqua. Thanks to this perv, I almost peed myself."

Aqua's magic had broken the item's Bind. I went in the next room and relieved myself. Darkness was looking weepy and mumbling to herself, "Ohhh… 'P-perv…' 'Perv,' he called me…" "That's nothing new, so I don't really care, but what kind of game were you playing?"

"A-Aqua?!"

Darkness seemed shocked for some reason, so I offered an explanation instead. "You remember how Iris asked us to do bodyguard work for her? And you remember how Darkness was really against it for some reason? Long story short: She tied me up and was planning to take me back to her house to do all sorts of naughty things to me until I missed my chance to leave for the quest."

"Darkness, how can you expect not to be called pervy when that was your plan?"

"I wasn't going to do anything naughty! …I really do think we could get into huge trouble this time, though. Lady Iris's betrothed is the first prince of Elroad, a neighboring kingdom. I hear he's really touchy, and if you guys pulled your usual tricks with him, it could end up being a diplomatic incident."

A prince with his head up his ass? All the more reason I had to protect Iris.

Aqua, meanwhile, got a gleam in her eye.

"Elroad? Did you say Elroad? As in, Elroad, the Casino Kingdom?"

I didn't recognize the name, but Aqua obviously did. A casino kingdom sounded like fun, though.

Now Aqua was fully on board. Darkness frowned and said, "Aqua, just to be clear, we'd be going as bodyguards, not to play around, okay? Hey, if you really want to go to Elroad that badly, let's make it our next vacation! We don't have to take a job to get there. We have plenty of money; we can enjoy ourselves!"

Despite Darkness's desperate attempt to dissuade her, it was clear from Aqua's face that she already had her heart set on going.

I nodded with satisfaction. "Cool, looks like Aqua agrees we should take this quest! When Megumin gets home, maybe we should put it to a vote. Not that I expect her to turn down the chance to go out on a quest!"

"Ugggghhhh..." Darkness put her head in her hands. I smiled, confident I had her beat.

"Count me out."

That evening.

Megumin arrived riding on Yunyun's back—she must have been out for her daily Explosion—and managed to cough up an exhausted but resolute answer.

I didn't know why, but Megumin had turned into quite the contrarian ever since we got back from beating Wolbach. These days, she'd even started taking Yunyun on her "Explosion walks" instead of me.

"What do you mean, count you out? Normally I'd expect you to be all, Is this some powerful opponent we haven't faced yet? and hop right on board."

Megumin, settled deep into the sofa in our living room, quickly glanced at the kitchen, where Aqua and Darkness were making dinner, then looked back at me. "There is no what or why about it. This man! He wants every excuse not to move a muscle, but then someone mentions Iris, and suddenly he cannot wait to get involved."

Now she was baiting me, and I bit: "Ooh, is that jealousy I hear?"

But instead of getting angry like I expected—like she always did—Megumin just looked at me levelly. "Yes, I am jealous. After what happened between us, would it kill you to give me a little more attention?"

"Huh? …Oh, um, right." Confronted by Megumin's absolute seriousness, I found I was the one who felt my face getting hot.

When she said "what happened between us," she probably meant the night we nearly crossed the final frontier. But hang on a sec… Had Megumin ever been the type to say things like that? She seemed…less reserved, more assertive, like she wasn't willing to keep anything inside anymore.

"Does Iris really mean that much to you, Kazuma?" Megumin asked, still looking straight at me.

"Er, w-well, I kind of can't let her go. Not so much as a woman, y'know, but more like as a little sister who always has to ignore what she wants because of her position. She spends all her time worrying about everyone around her, so she must be kind of lonely."

I might have been a NEET, but I was no lolicon. Iris was nothing more than an adorable younger sister to me. Though I admit that in the future, if she grew up and said, Big Bro, I wanna be your bride, well, I wouldn't necessarily be against granting that wish.

Caught off guard by Megumin's attitude, I found myself talking a little too fast and worried that my face was turning red. "Anyway," I babbled on, "if you're really against it, Megumin, then I'll think of some other way. If we were to take on bodyguard duties, I would want us all to do it together anyway. I'll miss seeing Iris, but…" "Let us accept, then," Megumin said shortly with a small sigh. "I'm concerned about that girl myself. This was nothing more than a passing fit of jealousy."

"Uh—sure!"

What was with this honest display of affection? My ears were burning hot. I was just thinking about casting Freeze on my own face (I couldn't believe a younger girl was leading me by the nose like this) when Darkness and Aqua emerged from the kitchen with dinner.

"Megumin, you're back," Darkness observed. "It's our treat tonight! … Kazuma, why is your face so red?"

"N-n-n-no special reason! Right, Megumin?"

Unlike me, deeply shaken to have had Darkness point out the color of my cheeks, Megumin smiled. How could she be so calm? She was making me look like a trembling idiot.

"Gosh, Megumin, if you'd come home sooner, you could have seen the funniest thing. Darkness had tied Kazuma to the bed and was trying to pull his pants down!"

"Oh-ho," Megumin said, surprised by Aqua's entirely unnecessary information.

"Stop that, Aqua—I wasn't doing anything naughty! Yes, I did tie him up, that's true, but like I explained—" Darkness, her hands full of dishes, kept stealing little glances at Megumin to see how she was reacting.

But me, I said: "Yeah, and if Aqua had gotten home a little later, Darkness actually would have pulled my pants down. She really saved me."

"Whaaaa—?!" Now the crimson of Megumin's eyes flashed. "…Well, whatever Darkness (who is constantly horny) does and whomever she does it with is no concern of mine. But still, I can hardly approve of the daughter of a good family forcibly making someone her prisoner!"

"Th-th-th-th-th-that's not—! Megumin, that's not what happened; I swear there was a reason for this! And don't call me 'constantly horny'!"

Darkness launched into a desperate attempt at an explanation, but the rest of us already had our eyes fixed on the dishes piled on the table.

"I wonder if you'll recognize what I've set out here, Kazuma," Aqua was saying. "I know how sharp your senses are from the food tours we've done.

That's right: Tonight's dinner is blowfish! And not just any blowfish but the Paradise Blowfish, the king of them all. Its poison is a lot more powerful than any other blowfish, but true gourmands say that if they died eating this food, it would be worth it! And it happens to be in season right this moment."

"I don't know if the name describes the fish or where it sends you when you eat it. I'm impressed you know how to cook blowfish, though. I always took you for a party clown, but you do have a real skill or two."

Megumin and I took our seats, enamored by our dinner. Blowfish sashimi, blowfish stew, blowfish chawanmushi. There was a little plate of what looked like roe, along with a tiny cooking brazier filled with blowfish fins. It was enough to make you drool just from looking at it. I couldn't wait; I reached out… "Of course I don't know how to cook blowfish. If you feel yourself going numb, let me know, and I'll use antidote magic on you."

"Hey."

And that, right there, was another loud reminder of how sketchy this world could be… I had just put back the chawanmushi I'd picked up when I heard a slurping sound from beside me.

"Delicious!"

"Don't eat that; don't you know it might be poisonous?!"

Megumin had grabbed the dish I'd set down and was devouring it. In fact, before I knew it, Darkness, sitting across from me, had stabbed the blowfish sashimi with her fork and was shoving it into her mouth.

Geez, didn't these people ever hesitate?

They assumed blowfish and antidote magic went hand in hand. I guess in a world where magic was real, that made a certain kind of sense, but… Darkness saw me watching her and grinned. No doubt looking for a little payback for earlier, she said, "What's wrong, Kazuma? Is our big, brave adventurer afraid of a little fish? Aqua's a superb priest, if nothing else, so what's there to worry about?"

"Uh, Darkness, did you say 'if nothing else'?"

"…No," Darkness answered, going for another dish. Beside her, Megumin was happily sipping at the blowfish stew.

Blowfish, huh…?

Come to think of it, I had never even had blowfish in Japan. "Darkness is right —everything else aside, you're pretty good at healing. Okay!"

"Uh, Kazuma, did you say 'everything else aside'?"

"…No. Wow! That's incredible!"

No sooner had I tried the stew than I was marveling at the flavor. I don't have a big vocabulary, so the best I could do was to describe it as absolutely delicious.

Aqua watched us with satisfaction. "I'm so pleased you're all enjoying it so much. That blowfish is from Cecily. She usually uses it to help convert new worshippers. You draw in passersby with blowfish, then you promise them antidote magic if they convert. It's a great strategy! But then Cecily got arrested…" "That's what you've been up to? I thought I told you to stay away from that woman."

But either way, thanks to her, we got to eat Paradise Blowfish for dinner, and I admit I was grateful for that. I took one of the thin slices of sashimi, while Aqua cooked up one of the fins on the brazier and dropped it in her drink to make fin sake. Sitting there drinking with a side of blowfish roe, Aqua looked less like a goddess or even a heroine and more like a middle-aged guy at a bar.

"Come to think of it, aren't the internal organs supposed to be the most poisonous of all? Don't get carried away and eat too much. If you're paralyzed when we start to go numb, we're all done for."

"Don't be dumb; I'm wearing a divine item, you see? It neutralizes harmful status effects. Blowfish poison can't even touch me."

Come to think of it, I guess she had mentioned that once. Knowing her, I was afraid there was some flaw in her logic, but if she was right, then…!

I lost track of how much blowfish I'd enjoyed.

"Hef-hef-hef! How abouf thabh, Kafuma? Wiff my defenfe, I can enthure any poithon…" "Her tongue is going numb. You can hear it," I said. Darkness had gorged herself on the most dangerous parts of the fish, and I was thinking it was about time to lay some healing magic on her.

Suddenly I felt something slumped against me. I looked over to find Megumin, her face flushed, leaning on my shoulder right there in front of everybody… "Aqua, pay attention! Megumin'th almoth gone… Craf, I can harthly fpeak…" I looked at Aqua, and my blood ran cold.

She was lying facedown on the table. What had happened to her divine item?! Didn't it work against poison?!

Darkness, picking up on the situation, rushed over and grabbed Aqua…!

"Zzzzz."

(Image)

The next morning.

"Hey, Kazuma, are you really going to take Lady Iris up on that quest? Let me tell you something: I think that even without your offensive attitude, it would be all we could do to survive an escort quest. I mean, our entire party was almost wiped out by the blowfish we had for our own dinner!"

"Yesterday doesn't count; we weren't on an adventure. We're the number one party in Axel. We've beaten more generals of the Demon King than anyone else in the world. I won't let anyone speak ill of us."

Yes, we had been brought to the brink of destruction by food poisoning the night before, but now we had made all our preparations to go to the capital and had come to Axel's transport shop.

We had rushed over to the Eris Church and somehow managed to survive, but I didn't plan on having any more blowfish for a while.

"Aqua's late. I thought she was only dropping off Chomusuke and Emperor Zel. I wonder if something happened to her."

The only thing we needed before we could leave was Aqua, who had gone to Wiz's place to drop off our pets. She was probably busy getting in a fight with Vanir or something.

As the thought crossed my mind, Aqua came up, loaded with luggage. "I dropped off the kids. Old Nasty Mask took one look at Chomusuke and started spouting off about 'Oh-ho, I look away for but an instant and another interesting thing befalls us! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!' Whatever, I guess it doesn't matter."

"Interesting thing"? I wondered what that could be. Maybe Chomusuke really would turn into that lady when she got bigger. I was dying to know more, but we had other things to do.

"Okay, guys, when we enter the transport shop, let me do the talking. I've been wanting to give them a piece of my mind for a long time now."

"A piece of your mind? Is there bad blood between you and the owner here?"

Darkness asked, but instead of answering, I shoved open the door of the shop.

The seeds of my rage had been planted months before. This was after I had been forcibly separated from my little sister, Iris, and had tried to go visit her in secret.

"Hey, buddy, I'm back! Send us to the capital!"

"Come right i— Hey! You're that Kazuma Satou the police are after! You've got some nerve coming back here… I told you you're not allowed to travel to the capital!"

Darkness sounded downright frustrated at that. "Y-you dirty rotten— You tried to go visit Iris when I wasn't looking, didn't you?"

"Damn right I did. But they wouldn't let me. I'm sure Claire is behind it. But this time is gonna be different. Here, Buster, feast your eyes on this! A letter of invitation from the royal family! That's the real goods, so keep your grimy hands off!"

I proudly displayed the letter, but the owner of the transport shop just frowned. "Oh, is it, now? You didn't forge yourself a letter? Is this like the time you tried to intimidate me by telling me what awful things would happen to me if I tried to go against a close personal friend of House Dustiness?"

"Kazuma, come over here for a moment. I want to talk to you."

"No thanks. Listen, pal, funny you should mention the Dustinesses, because this is their daughter right here. Everyone in town knows her, right? So was I telling the truth or wasn't I?" I pulled back against Darkness, who was tugging on my arm. The owner's face went pale.

When Darkness saw that, she dragged me to a corner of the store with a burst of strength.

"I'll 'no thanks' you! Kazuma, have you been dropping my name to support your illicit activities? You haven't actually done anything illegal on the authority of my family name, have you?"

"Aqua and I went to a fancy restaurant, and when they tried to tell us we didn't meet the dress code, we mentioned your name. That's about it."

"When none of the carpenters in the area wanted to help renovate the Axis Church building, I said I would tell on them to you. That's about it."

"As for me, when I was buying something to go with dinner, I told them it was for the plate of Young Lady Lalatina and to please be sure to give me the most delicious part. That's about it."

Darkness went limper and limper with each of our reports. She had both her hands over her face. I wasn't sure if it was to keep herself from crying or to hide her embarrassment.

The shopkeeper gave Darkness a pitying look, then said gently, "I can tell from your reaction that you really are a member of the Dustiness family. Ahem, if this is indeed on the order of the royal family, then consider my services complimentary…" "Cool, thanks."

"We'll pay! I'll pay you—I don't want to cause any more trouble for commoners!"

I was going to take him up on his generous offer, but Darkness bounded forward with her purse in her hand. "Just remember this, Kazuma. When this quest is over, I'm going to have a few questions to ask you. You too, Aqua and Megumin. Don't pretend like you're innocent here!"

The three of us joined the grumbling Darkness, squeezing into a magic circle.

"Bah, stubborn noble. We're party members. That practically makes us family, right? What's mine is yours and, more importantly, what's yours is mine.

Remember that I'm the one who treats you perfectly normally even though you're a noble. That's how friends work. Whenever you need a hand, feel free to mention the name of the number one Adventurer in Axel."

"That's right, Darkness, and just tell me any time you need the power of the Axis Church. I'll be happy to help you."

"I was a little intimidated when I first learned you were a noble, Darkness, but now I see you simply as Darkness. Any time you need the help of the Crimson Magic Clan, you need merely ask. I can dispatch a letter back home immediately."

For a second, Darkness looked simultaneously embarrassed and happy. "Y-you guys…! …Huh? Wait, hold on, something's not right here! I mean, I don't see myself ever needing to drop Kazuma's name or lean on the power of the Axis Church or the strength of the Crimson Magic Clan…!"

The rest of us didn't really understand what she was talking about, but we got ready for our teleport.

Then it happened.

"Hey, hey, Kazuma, did you know? Every once in a greeeaaaat while, an accident happens during teleportation! Like, you get spliced together with something that happened to wander into the magic circle! They say that's how werewolves and lamia came to be! That's what I heard!"

I didn't know if she was trying to scare me or what, but… "Fine, next time let's get a few goblins and throw them in there with you. If we're lucky, the splice might make you a little smarter."

"What's that, you stupid NEET? Well, we should teleport you with a hardworking ant; maybe it would curb your NEET-ness a little!"

"A-ahem… Teleportation accidents really are a genuine possibility, so please stop wrestling in the magic circle…" The shopkeeper looked distressed; I just gave the go signal. "All right. Send us to the capital, old man!"

All the major quests I'd accepted up to this point, I had either been dragged into or stumbled on. But not this time. This time, I was going out of my refusal to hand my precious little sister over to some prince I'd never even met.

"H-hold on—!"

Darkness seemed to want to say her piece, but the shopkeeper was already chanting the spell.

"Teleport!"