Retribution for This Roommate!

1

When I came to, I was standing at the gate of Axel for some reason.

. . . . . . . . . . . .?

For the life of me, I couldn't remember what had happened. I felt like I had lost something important, but what. . .? It was like I had lost a precious family member, someone I had searched for long and hard. . .

Gosh, what was this sense of bereavement I felt?

I was sure my archenemy Claire had. . .

Claire?

Wait, why did I think of her as my archenemy? She and I were united in our love of Iris. And yet, I couldn't shake the sense that I had to get Claire back for something.

For that matter, I was sure Iris had cajoled me into staying at the castle one more night. I had seen off Darkness and the others, and then we'd had some kind of important conversation in her room. Iris had said something about me. .

.

What was it?

. . .Huuuuuuh?

I couldn't put my finger on it, but something didn't feel right. I would have to get Claire sometime, even if I didn't exactly know why. Something deep inside me, something almost instinctual, urged me on.

Ah well. Right now, I was all fired up by the letters from those kids. I was sure the rest of my party felt the same way.

For the first time in a long time, I trotted through town toward my mansion.

How many days had we been in Elroad? We'd spent only a couple of weeks in the capital after that, so why did it feel like so long since I'd been home?

I was still mulling it over when I arrived at my house. I made to open the door.

. .

. . .only to discover that it wouldn't open.

". . .?"

Weird. If anyone was around, it should have been unlocked. So did that mean everyone was out? Maybe they were just so eager to make good on those letters that they had rushed off to the Adventurers Guild to find a quest.

Eh, if I waited around here, they'd come back eventually. Actually, I hoped they wouldn't be too long. I'd had Darkness take a bunch of my stuff with her, and I didn't have a lot of cash on me.

Hmm. . .?

"Hey, where's my wallet? Crap, did I drop it somewhere? When did I do that?

It's not like I was running around or anything."

I knew there hadn't been much left in it, because I'd spent most of my funds buying souvenirs in Elroad. It was all right; I could easily get a new wallet. That was the way things went. I would just hang out by the front door for a while.

I was still clinging to that hope as day turned to night.

"Wh-what's taking them so long. . .?! What are they doing. . .?! Should I look for them at the Guild? No, I'd hate to miss them here. Plus, going to the Guild would sort of be like admitting defeat. . ."

I sat by the chicken coop in the yard, complaining to Emperor Zel. Inside the coop, the chick slept wrapped up in several fuzzy, warm-looking blankets, with nice clean water and plenty of food—a veritable VIP compared to yours truly, who was currently locked out of his own mansion.

. . .That was when I noticed something.

"Hey, aren't you a little bigger than you used to be?" I sat and stared at the sleeping Zel in his chicken coop. I thought he was supposed to be a slow grower because of all the magic in him. Eh, maybe that was what happened when you went on a long trip.

That was when I heard the shout.

"Dragon thief!"

A second-story window opened, and someone shouted down at me. I wanted to shoot back some smart-ass remark, but there was only one person in our household who referred to Emperor Zel as a dragon.

"Who're you calling a dragon thief? It's time for you to give up and admit he's just a chick. If you're home, why the hell is the door locked? I've been sitting outside for ages, convinced no one was here!"

Aqua looked at me intently for a long moment.

. . . . . .?

"I don't know what you're talking about," she finally said. "After consultation with Megumin and Darkness, we've decided this mansion belongs to the gorgeous and very beautiful goddess Lady Aqua. Darkness has a house in town, and Megumin has one in Crimson Magic Village, so they said I could have this one. This is my house now. I thought you were going to live at the castle, weren't you? So scram. Get out of my yard!"

. . . . . .

"I always knew you were an idiot, but you've really stepped up your game today. I've never heard something so stupid in my life. You better cast some healing magic on your own brain. But it probably won't work, so I'll take you to the hospital."

That caused Aqua to slam the second-floor window shut.

. . . . . .

I went around to the front and pounded on the door. "I'm hooome! Darkness, Megumin, if you're there, let me in! That stupid Aqua locked the door!"

A window by the second-floor patio, directly above the front door, opened. I thought it might be Aqua again, but it was Megumin and Darkness who poked their heads out. Boy, was I glad to see them.

. . .Or so I thought, for about two seconds.

"Well, look who decided to show up. Enjoy your week at the castle, Kazuma?"

My how long at what?

I was still puzzling over that when Megumin, sounding uncommonly agitated, said, "Oh-ho-ho, quite a good job you did of turning your nose up at us! You put on such a good show to get us to go home, just so you could have the castle all to yourself! Even I didn't expect you to have us going like that!" She shook her staff out the window.

Okay, we all needed to take a few steps back, here.

"All right, hold on. You're saying I was at the castle for a week after you went home. But I don't know what you're talking about. I only stayed for one night— last night, right? So why. . . . . .? Huh?"

I felt something nagging at me. It was very strange. There was something barely outside my mental grasp.

What I said only seemed to make Megumin more upset. "You've got some nerve, playing dumb at this point. Perhaps you'd like to be part of an experiment—we'll test how far Explosion can send a person flying!"

That didn't sound pleasant at all, but meanwhile, Darkness cocked her head at me, puzzled. ". . .Kazuma, I don't even want to know what you did at the castle.

But it looks like it was bad enough that they gave you an amnesia-inducing potion, one that's normally forbidden. In the right dosage, it can totally eliminate your memories. They stopped letting people use it because sometimes it reduced the victim to a complete idiot."

"Well, at least there was no fear of that, because in my opinion, this man is already a complete idiot. . . A memory-erasing potion, though? I grant that his behavior has been unusual these last several minutes. You don't suppose he's only pretending to have lost his memories in order to fool us, do you? If he truly does have potion-induced amnesia, though, I would feel bad blaming him for what he's doing. . ." Megumin sighed. She didn't look completely happy to have to give up on this.

I couldn't be sure, but if Darkness was right, it was possible my memories had been tampered with.

. . .Hmm.

"I remember seeing you guys off and then a little bit from immediately after that. I'm pretty sure Iris called me to her room, and then. . ."

It was true: I'd gone to a girl's bedroom—okay, so it was just my little sister's, but still—and yet, I didn't remember what had happened there.

Amnesia. Naturally.

Maybe my tremendous Luck had caused me to stumble onto a state secret, and then they'd argued about what to do to me. Normally, a random adventurer who learned something that crucial would be considered disposable. But when I was the random adventurer in question. . . They wouldn't have been able to let an outsider walk away with state secrets; that much was clear. But to just rub out an adventurer as brave and accomplished as I was wouldn't be in the country's best interests.

They must have settled on erasing my memories as a compromise. Yeah, that had to be it. I grew more convinced with each passing second.

"Listen, guys, I can't be sure, but I think my Luck may have gotten me involved with some kind of state secret. They must have spent days in emergency meetings trying to decide what to do with me—they couldn't just get rid of me, after all. They must have cooked up fake letters to send you so you wouldn't worry about why I wasn't coming home. . . After all that debate, they decided they couldn't kill me, so they chose to wipe out my memories and send me home. That's my guess—what do you think?"

Saying it aloud made me absolutely certain: That was what had happened.

And I was pretty convinced I knew most or all of the people behind it.

"Hrmm. . .," Darkness said, crossing her arms and shaking her head. "I feel like he's onto something. . .maybe? But I can't think of why anyone would want to make him take an amnesia potion. . ."

Megumin was equally exercised. "I—I wonder. Knowing this man, he may have simply gotten altogether too comfortable with Iris and decided to stay forever. . . But I guess that wouldn't be a reason to erase his memories. Hmm. .

."

I offered the two of them my best guess. "I know Claire was there. I'm not sure why, but I get the feeling she's at the bottom of all this. I know she and I are on the same page about Iris. But for some reason, I feel like I have to get her back for something."

That made Darkness's expression even more grim. "I see where you're coming from. Yes, House Sinfonia would be powerful enough to have the right to use a memory-erasing potion. On top of that, Claire is a central player in this nation's government. And I know the two of you were getting closer. Hmm. . . You're starting to sound rather credible."

Megumin followed up. "I suppose we can count it as good enough that you came home at all. You can repay me by accompanying me on some Explosion walks starting tomo—" But she never got the word out of her mouth.

"What are you two saying? Are you both idiots? That moron of a NEET has been a smooth talker all his life, and you're taking him seriously? This loliNEET —I'll bet a little 'I love you, Big Bro' would be enough to make him say he was going to stay at the castle forever! I'm sure he simply got too comfortable having butlers and maids attending to his every need, and he decided to forget about us."

Dammit, and I'd almost had everything wrapped up neatly. I turned to Aqua, who had appeared as if on cue from the second-floor window, and said, "H-hey, watch it. There's no way I. . . I. . . What?"

Something she'd said made me feel like I was on the verge of remembering something important.

When Aqua saw me that way, she said triumphantly, "Just look at that! I forbid you from coming into this house. If you really want to come in, get down on your knees and say, 'I'm so, so sorry, Lady Aqua!' and promise to worship me three times a day from now on. Then I might think about letting you come inside. If you're not interested, then scram! Go on, get out of here! And don't harass my poor Darkness and Megumin anymore!" Then she slammed the window shut.

"Screw you! We're not done here!" I exclaimed, but she was gone, obviously not interested in talking to me anymore.

. . .Ooooh, that woman!

I went up to a first-floor window with the intention of smashing it and getting into the house by force. . .but then I stopped in my tracks.

"Wait, what the hell?"

I glanced along the facade of the house and discovered that all the first-floor windows had wooden boards over them. Getting in through the windows wouldn't be easy. Between the time it would take and the noise it would make trying to get them off there, I would probably find myself on the receiving end of something unpleasant from Aqua.

Grrr. . .

This wasn't fair; I was the victim here. And I sure as hell wasn't going to get down on my knees and apologize to that moron. I hadn't done anything wrong or even anything questionable.

As I stood there ruminating, something small dropped at my feet. I glanced down—whatever it was had come from the second story—and I thought it looked awfully familiar. . .

Ahhh, I remember.

It was Megumin's beloved purse. I guess Megumin, knowing I had used all my money in Elroad, had taken pity on me and dropped some cash down to me. I remembered then that even my bankbook was inside the house, and I found myself flat-out grateful for Megumin's act of kindness.

Megumin herself left, though, without looking at me and in fact without looking very happy at all.

I picked up the purse and noticed a dark shadow. When I looked up, something covered in a cloth was thrown at my feet. At the window, I saw the sunlight glinting off locks of golden hair. I guess Darkness had given me something, too. I was grateful to both of them, I really was, but if they were going to do all this to help me, why not go all the way and try to bring that idiot around?

I picked up the bundle Darkness had dropped and found one of my favorite bows. It was one that had seen a lot of use: the one with an arrow with a hook on one end and a rope on the other. Immediately, I knew what Darkness was thinking. Megumin's cash would let me get something to eat, and then after it got dark, I could sneak in the second floor using the bow and arrow—it was practically an invitation.

. . .I had to admit, though, I never expected to be breaking into my own house.

2

What to do, what to do?

"That comes to nine hundred eris, please."

Break into my own house? I'd gotten into Darkness's mansion once, but I owed a lot of that to the strengthening buffs Aqua had given me. Yes, Darkness had slipped me the bow and arrow this time, but with my normal, completely non-magically-enhanced physical abilities, would it even be possible to sneak silently into the house?

I had finished my meal at the tavern and was just about to settle the check. I opened the purse Megumin had given me. . .

". . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

It was bulging with point cards and coupons. I extracted a thousand-eris bill and paid up, but. . .

"One hundred eris is your change. Thank you very much; see you again!"

For some reason, I felt a profound resistance to paying with Megumin's money. I mean, the abundance of cards and coupons suggested she would make a conscientious wife, but my conscience couldn't quite live with outright spending her cash.

Actually, she normally gave me the bulk of her income. Most of that I sent home to her family—if I got back to the mansion in one piece, I would have to be sure to give her some money, whether she wanted it or not.

. . .But speaking of getting into the mansion in one piece, this time I was going up against Aqua, which seemed like bad news. She was normally such an airhead, but she had a disconcerting habit of turning sharp at the most inconvenient times. Not to mention, she could see in the dark even better than I could.

I hoped she would drink a lot of wine and go to bed early, but another thing she was good at was failing to figure out what people wanted, a trait I was sure would be out in full force tonight. I had no proof of that, only the evidence of long acquaintance with her. If I could just get inside, I was confident Aqua would never beat me, but if she caught me while I was still climbing, that would be the end.

I passed the time until I figured Aqua and the others would be asleep by wandering around town, thinking over the best ways to get into the house.

"Well now, it has indeed been a while. O man who has filled his belly on the money he received from the girl who is infatuated with him, who is dependent on his sugar mama and is quite content with it, are you awake at this hour? And a fine hour it is, for tonight is a full moon, when magic is at its zenith. I'm considering having a little constitutional myself, during which I mean to climb to the spire atop the Axis church and replace the symbol there with an especially sexy radish I found. Want to join me?"

". . .No, no, I don't. Watch out—you know they're gonna catch you one day, and then they'll tear you limb from limb."

Who should I run into but Vanir. He was carrying a large radish that really did have a pretty suggestive shape. Demons don't sleep, so he had time to kill every night.

. . . . . . . . .

"Hey, Vanir. You've got a few minutes, right? Mind if I ask you to help me with something?"

I was going to borrow the power of this demon to break into a mansion protected by a goddess. I had to admit, it didn't feel like the most virtuous thing. . .

"Oh-ho? Are you quite aware of what it means to ask a favor of a demon? We always have our price. And the price of a great demon like yours truly is higher than most, eh?" Vanir's lips twisted nastily, looking very demon-ish.

Normally I would have been pretty intimidated, but it was sort of hard to take him seriously with that sexy radish in his arms.

"I promise to buy lots of expensive stuff I don't need the next time I'm in Wiz's shop."

"Ah, my dear high roller, just leave everything to me! . . .Say, shall I throw in this radish as well?"

"I'll pass."

It was past midnight—not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. But this was the hour when demons and NEETs came alive.

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"H-hey! Geez, don't laugh now! I can't believe you're suddenly excited right at this moment, of all times!"

While everyone else in the immediate vicinity was fast asleep, Vanir and I stood in front of my mansion.

(Image)

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, I am in fine spirits this night! Attacking a goddess on the night of the full moon! It would be enough to make anyone eager!"

I was starting to think it hadn't been my best idea, turning to this guy for help.

In any event, this was the plan: First, I would try to get in the normal way. I didn't have any buffs, but if I could somehow manage it, then it was mission accomplished. If I couldn't climb up by physical strength alone, or if I was noticed in the middle of my attempt, then Vanir would begin attacking the mansion.

I was sure Aqua would have set up an anti-demon barrier, like the one that had kept my succubus out. The moment Vanir got anywhere near it, Aqua would go running to him. That would be my opening. My goal would be to get inside, then subdue Aqua. If Vanir happened to break through her defenses, that worked, too.

Phase two would be to get to my room and retrieve my bankbook. As long as I had my money, I could stay at an inn until things blew over. In fact, considering how that would allow me to spend every day just having fun, maybe it would be better that way.

Anyway, that was the plan. Vanir looked on while I fired my hooked arrow at the roof above my room. . .!

". . .Huh?"

I was suddenly seized by the sense that something was wrong. There was a wooden board pounded over the window of my room from the inside. I was sure that hadn't been there earlier. I did a quick check, and sure enough: Every room on the second floor was the same.

I could think of only one person with the sort of free time to board up all the windows in a house this big. I was just starting to sweat with the realization that my plan was in shambles when I noticed something else.

Not all the windows were completely blocked. Not the ones that the other girls were using. Darkness and Megumin must have objected to having their windows totally closed off. What with them giving me money and a bow and arrow, I figured it was safe to think of the two as coconspirators.

"Vanir, could you look at me with your all-seeing eye for a second? I need to know which route I should take—Megumin's room or Darkness's."

"Mm. As ever, I am somewhat blinded when I look at you by the repugnant light that surrounds you, but. . . Let us see here. The outcome is the same regardless of which way you enter, but I think going into the room of the girl from the bizarre clan will be luckier. There may be a little something in it for you. Go find out."

So there I had it. Something in it for me, huh?

"Megumin's window it is. Okay, here I go!"

3

I stood right below the window of Megumin's room and aimed my arrow at the roof. I shot for the tip-top to minimize the noise as much as I could. At this distance, my Deadeye and Second Sight skills made it all but impossible to miss.

My aim was true: The arrow hooked onto the roof, after which I gave the dangling rope a couple of tugs to be sure it was secure.

I waited for a moment, but no one showed any sign of waking up. I glanced back at Vanir, giving him a look to let him know I was going to start climbing.

Then I grabbed the rope and started making my way up to Megumin's room. . .

Megumin's room. . . . . . . . .

"Hff. . . Hff. . .!"

Man, climbing a rope without any magical buffs is hard!

Maybe the rope was slippery, or maybe I simply didn't have the muscles, considering I had to climb using almost entirely arm strength. Even so, I somehow managed to cling to the rope and finally got a hand on Megumin's windowsill. I clung to the rope with my left hand and the windowsill with my right, trying to catch my breath.

When I finally managed to get my breathing under control a little, I tapped on Megumin's window. Then again. And again. Finally, the curtain opened;

Megumin smiled when she saw it was me. Was it just my imagination, or was she actually happy to see me? I could hear the lock rattling when it happened.

"I'm on patrol! Megumin, are you staying awake? If I know that man, he'll try to break in through your or Darkness's room right about now! We're going to be living the night-shift life for a while, so bear with it, okay?"

I heard Aqua outside Megumin's door.

Curse her! Normally she couldn't think her way out of a paper bag, so why now. . .? Did she even know how much pain it would save me if she would use that ability to think ahead on a regular basis?

Megumin quickly pulled the curtains shut. "I'm up, Aqua. Don't worry—no problems here. How about you get a little rest? Anyway, I shouldn't think it would matter so much if he broke in. Kazuma appears to have been forced to drink a memory-erasing potion; surely we could forgive him eventually. . ."

This was followed by the sound of the door flying open. "No, Megumin, we couldn't! You must not baby a NEET! I know you, Megumin—you're the type who would run herself ragged for the man she loves, even if he's a worthless pile of crap! The type who'd forgive him for anything, even if he cheated on you again and again, just because you love him! My unclouded vision is never wrong!"

"Wh-wh-wh-what are you talking about?! I swear that's not true. . .!"

Megumin protested.

"Hmm?" Aqua responded with a knowing murmur.

Please, girls, let it go. Normally I would love to eavesdrop on this sort of talk, but right now, just let it go!

"Megumin, Megumin, don't tell me. . ."

"Don't tell you what?! Wh-what shouldn't I tell you?!"

While Megumin and Aqua chatted, my hand got sweatier and sweatier and started to slip down the rope. I struggled and strained to hold on, my arms trembling and shaking. . .!

They couldn't have picked a worse time for their little romantic-comedy routine!

"Megumin, I see now. . .! It's you and that no-account Dust, isn't it. . .?!"

"It is certainly not."

Oh, for the love of—!

With my hands sweating and slipping, I couldn't keep holding on to the rope and the windowsill at the same time. I started to lose my balance.

Arrrgh, somebody help me!

Someone heard my prayer.

Not the freak who kept insisting she was a goddess and not even the really-for-real goddess I always met when I died.

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Behold, I appear, O goddess of toilets! Tonight, the blessed full moon grants me the greatest extent of my demonic powers! I, the great demon, the Duke of Hell, shall get you to cry uncle at last!"

The guy who normally spent his days as a part-timer at the magical-item shop worrying about how far in the red they were was out in front of my mansion, bellowing a challenge.

4

"Quickly, Kazuma, now is your chance! Aqua went pale and rushed off to the front door—here, grab on!"

Megumin stuck her hand out the window, and I took it with one of my own, using the other to pull myself up by the windowsill. Megumin, with a better Strength stat than I had, dragged me into the room.

I could hear shouting from a ways off.

"So you've finally shown your true colors, you weirdo demon! You're the one who's going to be crying!"

"You've been all talk so far! Show me what you've got! Take this—Vanir-style —!"

I mostly ignored them, though. "Ahhh. . . Haaah. . .!" I was too busy huffing and puffing, slumped on the floor, still holding Megumin's hand. Megumin leaned close, as if to hug me, as she closed the window.

Having somehow managed to make it into her room, I could hardly move; I crouched there almost in her arms, breathing hard, my hand in hers.

"Hff. . . Hff. . .! Megumin, M-Megumin— Hff. . . Hff. . .!"

"Watch it. . .! K-Kazuma, the way you're breathing is so wrong! To pant like that and call my name when I'm holding you in my arms? It's the definition of trouble!"

I had been trying to say Thank you to her, but I couldn't get my breathing under control and the words wouldn't come out. But I definitely agreed that at the moment, it looked like we were having a naughty little midnight tryst.

"Aqua, what in the world is all that noise. . .? Vanir, what are you doing here at this hour?! And when we're all so upset already. . .!"

"Oh-ho, pardon me very much. O young woman who has been racked with loneliness over being unable to see the young man who torments her at every turn for more than a week, tonight—" "Nggghaaaaaaa!"

Darkness and Vanir sounded like they were having fun out by the front door, but I didn't have time for them right now. I forced myself to breathe more evenly and sat up, moving away from Megumin. But I felt her arm around my back stiffen; she wouldn't let go.

. . .Uhhh.

"Perfect! You hold him there, Darkness! Sacred Exorcism!"

"Grrraaahhhh?! I-impossible that yours truly should. . . On this night of the full moon, when my power is at its zenith, am I defeated. . .?!"

""W. . . We did it. . .!"" I could hear the commotion outside. The way Darkness and Aqua were out there screwing around as usual, while Megumin and I were in here practically embracing each other, gave me the feeling that we were doing something really, really wrong. It felt somehow as if I had cut class to sneak off with a girl and hide in the gym supply closet or something. . .

Not, of course, that I had any idea what that was like.

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did you really think you had struck me down? What a shame! That thing you took to be yours truly was really just a sexy radish! You can keep it as a consolation prize—it might be delicious boiled!"

"". . . . . ."" "Oops, let's refrain from silently chasing me down, shall we? I've had a taste of those wonderful, wonderful awful emotions, which I've been without for so long—and I see that my goal here is achieved, so I'll be showing myself out!"

"Darkness, go around that way! Stop him! Tonight of all nights, I'm going to make him regret the way he lives to mock people!"

"A-Aqua, what about this sexy radish I grabbed thinking it was Vanir? What. . .

What do we do with it. . .?"

Completely apart from the ruckus outside:

"Welcome home. Life in the castle was all right, but what I really wanted was all of us here at the mansion, shouting and being stupid like we always are.

Please don't leave us again, okay?"

Megumin patted me on the back. Somewhere deep inside my heart, I felt a flicker of warmth.

5

Once I had my breathing under control, I went to pull myself away from Megumin.

. . .But she still wouldn't let me go.

"H-hey, Megumin, I promise I'm not leaving again. I'm back now. You can let go of me."

If I just let her hug me like this, things were going to get out of hand sooner or later.

Still clinging to me, though, Megumin said, "It might have been easier for you had you chosen to break in via Darkness's room. She would have been strong enough to pull you up so much more readily. Yet, you chose my room. Surely I may hold fast to you for a few moments."

She giggled a little; I figured now wasn't the time to tell her that I hadn't had any deep reason for choosing her room but had been following Vanir's instructions. Was this what the all-seeing demon had meant when he'd said there would be something in it for me?

I would definitely have to buy lots and lots of stuff the next time I was at his shop.

One thing I really wanted to know, though: What was the relationship between Megumin and me at this moment? Yeah, she'd told me. . .what she'd told me, but we hadn't exactly advanced a lot since then. Maybe there just hadn't been a chance—we had spent a lot of our time since then going to Elroad and generally getting ourselves in trouble—but it seemed to me like we could take another step anytime now. In the end, after all, nothing had happened with Iris; I thought that qualified me as a pretty faithful guy. It looked like Megumin figured a hug was all right, in her own way, so maybe we could go from here.

I was steeling myself to return the hug when. . .

"Hurry and make up with Aqua, okay? Without you around, she just spends every day sitting on the couch, asking, 'Isn't our prodigal NEET back yet? When is he coming back?' She seems rather lonely."

. . . . . . . . .

"She makes enough food for you at every meal. She says, 'This is for our wandering NEET who hasn't come home yet.' And then Darkness has to finish it in your place, whether she's hungry or not."

Maybe Darkness should have run away, too.

Megumin accompanied her words with a squeeze of my shoulder. I couldn't believe what a good place I was in right at this moment, but. . .

". . .Okay, I'm gonna go settle things with that nutjob. When I get back, let's pick up right where we left off."

"We won't. We won't, understand?" Even as she said it, Megumin sounded a little disappointed. Still, she cared about her friends enough to look happy with my decision. "See you in a few minutes!"

It was the last thing I heard from her as I left the room and headed for my reckoning with Aqua.

"Ahhhh! Villain! Darkness, there's an intruder in the house of this stunningly beautiful goddess! Capture that villain for me!"

I headed for the front door but ran into Aqua along the way, and she promptly started shouting. She was barefoot, wearing some weird hat and her pajamas, so I wasn't sure where she got off claiming to be a stunningly beautiful goddess.

Darkness, meanwhile, looked from me to Aqua and back, disturbed. ". .

.Listen, Aqua. Maybe it's time you made up with Kazum— Aaahhh! Ow-ow-ow!

S-stop that—don't pull my hair! Sheesh, Kazuma is gone for a week and you develop this weird fascination with my hair. . .!"

Aqua answered the weeping, hair-pulled Darkness: "Darkness, are you so eager to be abandoned by our betrayer of a NEET here? When he sent that letter saying he was going to live with Iris from now on, I know you panted and puffed and said something about being cuckolded, but if we all just let this go, it'll be too late to keep Kazuma from becoming a completely worthless lost cause. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion it may be too late already!"

Why, this smart-mouthed— "All right, I've had it up to here with arguing with you. But let me make one thing clear: I didn't betray anyone. I mean, think about it! Am I really that faithless? You really believe I would take Iris over you, whom I've known for so long? I'm not that easy, and by the way, I'm not a lolicon, either. Yes, I care a lot about Iris but only as a little sister. No way I would actually fall for a girl her age, you hear me?"

That seemed to put Aqua back on her heels for a moment, but she quickly recovered. "Listen, Mr. Man-Whose-Only-Skill-in-His-Past-Life-Was-Playing-Rock-Paper-Scissors. Think back, just think back, on why you died. You would have walked right past some old lady about to get hit by a truck, but you got sent to this world because you were killed trying to save someone from a traffic accident. Do you remember who it was you saved? Swallow your pride and say, 'I, Kazuma Satou, am an unrepentant loliNEET.'" Aqua's taunting was crossing the line; I couldn't hold back any longer. "How does helping a high school girl make me a lolicon?! You've got a lot of nerve, stealing my own mansion from me—today I'm finally going to make you pay for everything you've done!"

"Darkness, save me! Save me from the dangerous intruder!"

"Huh? What?! Wait—!"

Aqua hid behind Darkness; I advanced on her, flexing my arm. "Just you wait!

I'm going to Drain Touch you dry, and then I'm going to ball you up and shove you in Emperor Zel's chicken coop! Here I gooooooo!"

"Go ahead and try it, you ugly, stupid NEET! Undead skills will never work on me, and it wouldn't matter if they did, because I never let down my guard for even an instant, you hear? It's two on one—you're not going to win this!"

"Wait. . .! I haven't agreed to fight Kazuma y—!"

I was on Aqua before Darkness could finish.

"N. . . No way. . .!"

I found myself on the carpet where Aqua had grabbed my chest and shoved me to the ground. Darkness was lying there, too; I had tied her up and Drain Touched her HP clear out, and she wasn't looking so good.

I'd tried using Bind on Aqua, but her magic let her break out of it easily, and when I tried to physically restrain her, she hid behind Darkness to get away from my attacks. Finally, Aqua buffed herself with strength boosts and overpowered me.

It was partly my fault: I'd forgotten that for all her numerous, glaring flaws, her base stats were higher than anyone else's here. Not to mention, she seemed to have a knack for close-quarters fighting, what with her God Blow and Holy Squeeze or whatever she called them.

Seriously, I wished she could show this sort of competence on a daily basis.

Incidentally, Darkness was on the ground because she'd had the misfortune of getting between Aqua and me.

"Hff. . . Hff. . .! Y-you know how to put up a fight, Kazuma. But this is over!

Now, say you're sorry! Say it just once, and I'll forgive you!" Aqua crowed. She was straddling me and holding fast to my arms.

And to her, I said: ". . .This time, this one time, I haven't done anything wrong.

I'm a victim whose memory got erased even though I was doing just what Iris wanted, and I have nothing to apologize for! You're not the only one with an ace up their sleeve, you hear me? I declare that tomorrow morning, you'll be the one weeping and apologizing."

(Image)

I was completely innocent for once; I had nothing to be embarrassed or apologetic about.

"Huh, so that's the attitude you want to take! I thought we could settle our differences amicably, but if that's how you want it to be, then I can be stubborn, too! On my name as the water goddess, I swear I won't let you into this house until you've apologized to me! I'm going to boot you outside now!

And we'll see who's weeping and apologizing tomorrow morning!"

The gauntlet was thrown down.

6

Morning arrived.

I was observing the mansion from a distance and thinking.

You know how in manga, main characters are always getting in trouble with female leads over some ridiculous misunderstanding where she thinks he's cheated on her when he totally hasn't? Or when circumstances conspire to give him a peek of a girl character in a state of undress, and he gets beaten up even though he was totally innocent? Or when a heroine takes totally unjustified revenge on him simply because some other girl shows him a little affection, and the leading lady gets all jealous even though she and the MC aren't dating?

Yeah, those are all fun and games in manga. Hilarious when they're happening to someone else.

But this was what I thought:

"Kazuma! Kazumaaaaaa!!"

If I'd been any of those MCs, I would never have put up with crap like that from a female costar. I'd get even.

"Waaaaaaaahh! K-Kazumaaaa! Kazumaaaaaa!!"

In this world, there was a power that stood against outrageous acts of violence and injustice. It was a power that good, law-abiding citizens should have no shame in turning to; if anyone should be ashamed, I thought, it was people like this, who believed they could do whatever obnoxious, unjustified things they wanted and that they should and would be forgiven just because they were a woman.

"Kazumaaaaaa! I've been thinking for a while now, Kazuma; you know, you're truly, extremely, by far the nicest guy I know! And we've known each other for so long, and it's so important that we talk to each other. . .!"

Thus, Aqua shouted between her tears from the second-story window. I pointed at her.

"That's her, Officer."

"We asked at the real estate office and found that the name Kazuma Satou really is the one on the deed. It seems that's you, sir. All right, we will now commence the operation to dislodge the unauthorized occupant."

It was my duty as a citizen to report the person who had stolen my house.

"Kazuma! Kazumaaaaa!! Waaaaah, my dear, sweet Kazuma!!" Seeing the police preparing to attack, Aqua was properly panicked.

"M-m-m-m-me, I'm just Kazuma's housemate, you could say. . .!"

"Is that right? It would be quite a scandal if a member of the Dustiness family was found to be consorting with criminals."

Darkness, having been slow to get out of the house, was currently being interrogated. As for Megumin, she had smelled danger and had fled the mansion before it was surrounded. So much for my assumption that she was the one I was closest to.

And then. . .

"Waaaaaaaaaahhhh! Dear, sweet Kazuma! Please, Kazuma! Forgive me! I'm sorry; I was wrong, so forgive me. I beg you! I'm begging youuuuu!" Aqua kept weeping and apologizing, obviously about to be arrested by the police.

I took a few steps closer to her. "Hey there, water goddess. Can I come back in the house even though I haven't said I'm sorry yet?"

"I'm sorry, Kazuma! From now on, I swear I'll take you seriously; I won't doubt you anymore, so call them off!" Aqua cried as two officers dragged her out of the house.

I watched her go by. "It's out of my hands nooooowwww!" I exclaimed and fixed her with a big, triumphant grin.

7

Back in my living room for the first time in a long time, I was napping in my usual spot on the sofa.

"O most honored Kazuma, your tea is ready!"

I was sprawled out on the couch, one hand tossed over the backrest and both legs wherever was most convenient, when Aqua approached with my tea.

"Sure, thanks." I rewarded Aqua's obsequious delivery with two curt words.

Then I went to take a sip. . . "You worthless maid! Tea, my ass—this is just hot water! I've already told you a million times: You know as well as I do that if you so much as dip a finger in the water, it turns pure, so you have to be careful! Do it over! Come on, chop-chop!"

"Ohhh, I'm so sorry, honored Kazuma! I'll make you a new cup immediately.

Just you relax!"

After my rebuke, Aqua rushed off to make more tea for me. Her tone was. .

.weird. I wasn't sure how she was able to act so deferential without sounding the least bit resentful about it; maybe she thought of it as some new game.

"I am very glad everything ended up so neatly," Megumin said from beside me. "Personally, I am at my most comfortable when we are all relaxing together in the living room like this." She took a pleasant sip of the tea Aqua had made for her. I guess Aqua was perfectly capable of making tea for everyone else: I was the only one who kept getting cups of hot, purified water. It was almost like she was doing it on purpose—almost like she wanted me to yell at her.

Darkness, looking the slightest bit jealous of Aqua, said, "In any case, you're back safely, and I'm willing to call that a happy ending. . . Please don't get the police involved next time. . ." She looked pleadingly at me.

Hey, if they didn't want the cops called on them, they should stop committing crimes, like stealing a guy's house out from under him.

"Tea's ready!"

"Sure, thanks."

Aqua appeared with a new cup, sooner than I'd expected. I put it to my lips and. . .!

"This is hot water again! Don't you ever learn?!"

"Ahhh! I'm sorry, honored Kazuma! I promise I'll make a new cup right away. .

.!"

She took back my cup perfectly happily, but Darkness said, "Aqua, if you're having that much trouble, why not let me make the tea? Then you won't have to take Kazuma's abuse. Only one of us has to endure it."

She started to get up, but— "Stop it, Darkness. I finally get to pretend to be a maid for the Dustiness family; you can't stop me now," Aqua objected.

"?!" Darkness was shocked.

"Now, wait a damn minute. Have you been deliberately sticking your finger into my tea and changing it to hot water just because you wanted to pretend to be one of Darkness's pervy maids?!"

"I haven't been sticking my finger in anything—I've been bringing you hot water all along."

"Hold on, you two. The maids in my household aren't that incompetent!"

Ignoring Darkness's objection, Aqua came over to me with an ink-laden brush.

"Honored Kazuma, by way of punishment for this poor, incapable maid of the Dustiness household, please graffiti me with this!"

"My pleasure. . ."

"I'm telling you, none of our maids wants to be graffitied!"

Still ignoring Darkness, I took the brush from Aqua and started painting on her face—even though I knew what would happen. The moment the ink touched her skin, it all turned to water. Megumin watched us with a smile of genuine amusement. I tried to turn to smile back at her. . .

"Eeeyow-ow-ow-ow. . ." I put a hand to my ribs, which still ached where Aqua had pinned me down the other night.

Aqua let out a little gasp and said, "That's from yesterday, isn't it? I'm so sorry, honored Kazuma; I'll fix you right up. Just for you, I'll use my most powerful healing magic. Sacred High Heal!"

And she cast her healing magic on me, no muss, no fuss.

Yes, her healing magic. . .

". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Huh?"

"What is it?" Aqua asked. The sound had come out of my mouth before I knew what was happening. "What's wrong, honored Kazuma? I used my very strongest spell; was it still not enough?"

"Er? Uh-uh," I said. "No, not at all. Thanks, Aqua, I feel better. And hey, look, we're all friends, right? Why don't you stop with the 'honored Kazuma' business? Just call me Kazuma like you always have. You sound so distant otherwise." I was trying my best not to arouse suspicion.

"What's gotten into you?" Darkness asked. "Not that I don't admire your display of good-heartedness. But you were the one who said, 'Since you doubted me for a week, for the whole next week you have to call me 'honored Kazuma.' You're right, though—we're all friends and we should act like it." Her lips tugged up into a smile. Megumin started to smile, too.

". . . . . . . . ." Aqua was the only one not smiling; she was looking me right in the face from very close up.

". . .Wh-what?"

". . . . . . . . . . . .Nothin'. I told you I wasn't going to be suspicious of you anymore, Kazuma." Even so, Aqua gave no sign of getting any farther away from me.

It must have been thanks to Aqua's healing magic. Every one of the memories erased by that potion had come flooding back to me, and now I couldn't look her in the eye.

What should I do?

It bothered me a little that after gloating about my innocence, it turned out that I actually had sort of, kind of, maybe been a bit of a piece of human garbage. I couldn't really blame people for calling me things like Cad-zuma and Kaz-scum-a.

Aqua kept looking at me, apparently picking up something weird from the way I was sweating and looking away from her. Trying to distract her, I brought out the letters. "Aqua, remember these? I know you read these letters a week ago, but with my memories erased and all, I feel like I just saw them. Come on— remember how they made you feel?! Remember the real reason you came back here?!" I gave her the letters, but she didn't even glance at them.

Hardly able to stand it anymore, I jumped up off the sofa.

"All right, you guys, let's hit the Adventurers Guild! Let's get us a nice hunting quest. To protect Axel and the world!"

". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

Aqua was still staring intensely at my profile, just centimeters from my face.

I didn't last long. About five minutes later, I was prostrating myself on the ground, apologizing to everyone and begging for forgiveness.