A Score to Settle with This Nasty Monster!

1

"Here, Komekko, there's a piece of rice here."

It was the morning after the day Aqua had "defeated" Lucy's ghost. Megumin was fussing over Komekko, who was having a breakfast large enough for several people. Megumin, watching her sister chow down, plucked a grain of rice off Komekko's cheek and put it in her own mouth with a thin smile.

"Sis, you stole my food!"

"K-Komekko, that's a terrible thing to say about someone when they've only taken one grain of rice! If you don't want me to take anything, make sure you chew your food and eat a little more carefully. You don't have to wolf down your breakfast quite so fast; it won't run away."

Megumin spoke gently, but Komekko, her face completely serious, set her fork and knife on the table and said, "Once, the corn you picked in the fields ran away because you didn't eat it fast enough."

"It's time to let that go, Komekko—cooked food doesn't flee!"

Aqua, who had already finished her meal, was watching the girls and smiling.

"Seeing them together like this makes me think siblings aren't all bad. Hey, Kazuma, I think I want a little sister now. I hear there's a magic item in this world that lets you change genders. I think you should try it out."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but the yearning for a little sister— that I can sympathize with. Little sisters are the best. Especially the ones who'll call you Big Bro; they're the best of the best." I thought of Iris and felt a pang.

And just then:

"Emergency! Emergency! All adventurers, grab your gear and assemble at the Adventurers Guild. I repeat. All adventurers, please bring your equipment and come to the Guild."

It had been a while since I last heard the call to arms. Almost involuntarily, I looked over at Darkness, who was sipping tea beside me.

"Kind of unusual, an emergency announcement at this time of year, isn't it?"

she said. "The cabbage harvest is over, and I haven't heard about any big bounties in the area. What's this about?" The announcement droned on in the background.

Then came the kicker:

"We especially and specifically request the aid of all members of the Crimson Magic Clan in the village. I repeat. Any and all available members of the Crimson Magic Clan, please report to the Guild."

The announcement got stranger and stranger. Darkness and I exchanged glances again.

2

"What's going on here? What's happening to this town?" Darkness demanded of the row of Guild employees who were waiting for us when we got to the Guild. In response, one of them ushered her inside. I guess they wanted to wait until everyone was there before explaining things.

"Man, I really only want to live in peace," I groaned. "But an emergency announcement means stuff is about to get dangerous around here again. . ."

Megumin was nervous. "As for me, I'm more concerned about their insistence on the participation of all Crimson Magic Clan members. Technically, that includes Komekko, even though she can't use magic yet, so I've brought her along just in case, but. . ."

I could feel the anxiety radiating off her as I looked around.

"Very sorry to keep you waiting!"

Megumin suddenly found herself accosted by a helpful Guild employee.

"Hmm. . .? What's the meaning of this? Have I been awarded VIP status at the Guild on account of the widely and frequently recognized effectivity of my Explosion? I might argue you could have acknowledged me a little sooner, but anyway. . ."

Someone else shouted to the guy waiting on Megumin: "No, not her. You can just ignore her. She's the one I told you to take care of."

"Hey, 'you can just ignore her'? Are you picking a fight with me?"

But the employee disregarded the furious Megumin and bowed instead to Komekko. "Welcome, miss! We have some snacks prepared over here, if you wouldn't mind following me this way!"

Komekko was instantly stuck to the employee like glue. Megumin frantically stopped them. "Hey, I must ask you not to simply walk away with my little sister! What's going on here? When did the Adventurers Guild become a den of lolicons? I may summon the police, depending on your answer."

"N-no, ma'am, there's a reason for this! Oh, Miss Luna, perfect timing!" The employee practically threw himself at the receptionist, who came over to us with a smile.

"You call for Crimson Magic Clan members, and then I find you trying to bribe people with food. What in the world is going on here?" Megumin said.

"The Adventurers Guild is always looking for talented people," Luna responded with confidence and pride. "So what could be more natural than for us to be interested in Komekko, a child born with the very ability to become an Arch-wizard?"

"Excuse me, but I am also from the Crimson Magic Clan," Megumin said.

The receptionist quickly looked away from her. "A-ahem, so right this way, Miss Komekko! We have lots of treats for you!"

"I said, I am also—" But Luna led Komekko into the building before Megumin could finish.

Once she saw that all the adventurers were here, she announced, "Everyone, thank you for coming today! We apologize for such short notice." She stood beside Komekko (who was stuffing her face with snacks) and smiled. "Now, to the matter at hand. First of all, I want to congratulate all our adventurers on your excellent work yesterday. We had by far our best quest completion percentage since the founding of the Axel Guild branch. And our own Aqua even exorcised Lucy's ghost with her very hands! That's our adventurers for you! That's our Axel!"

She was really leaning in to the flattery. I wondered what she was plotting.

Everyone looked pretty pleased about it, though; I saw lots of people giving Aw, shucks scratches to their noses and the backs of their heads.

"And so, on that note." Luna's tone changed abruptly. Great, here it came.

"We have a new job for all you wonderful, accomplished adventurers!"

Yep, saw that coming from a mile away. Trouble, trouble, trouble.

"We grant that it's just a little, tiny bit harder than yesterday's quests, but we have complete confidence in our people!"

Easy for her to say. A guy with a less-than-thrilled expression spoke up. "'Ey, Miss Luna, wait a minute. What say you tell us what this is about before you go charging ahead?"

"Miss Luna" didn't appear the least bit fazed by the remark, so other adventurers joined in.

"Yeah, what's this about being harder than yesterday's jobs? Hell, this was an emergency summons, wasn't it?!"

"Gimme a break!"

"I ran myself ragged yesterday! I can't do another quest now!"

"I was just gonna hang out at the bar all day. . ."

The receptionist refused to let her smile slip in the face of the complaining adventurers. "There's nothing to worry about. After all, Axel's adventurers are the best in the entire nation!"

There was no way she believed that. She certainly didn't have any proof of it.

"Aren't they, Komekko?" Luna looked to Komekko, who was completely fixated on the pile of food on the table in front of her, for agreement. Ah. So that's how it was going to be.

"My big sis said the adventurers of Axel are super awesome. She said they would never run away from anyone, no matter how powerful they were!"

Apparently, the previous day had given Luna a taste of how she could use Komekko to twist our arms, and she intended to get as many unwanted quests off the books as she could while the little girl was here. I wasn't the only one who seemed to have figured out what was on the Guild employee's mind. All the adventurers in the room were going pale. . .

Finally, one desperate voice rose up from among us.

". . .Dammit, fine, I'll do it. That's all you want, right?! Bring on the nastiest, toughest quest you have!"

That opened the floodgates.

"Y-yeah, just watch me—I'll show you what happens when an Axel magic-user gets serious!"

I guess everyone was raring to go—again. Megumin, a drop of sweat beading on her forehead, reached out as if to stop them. "Um, everyone, you don't need to exert yourselves so much. . ." But her voice was too soft for them to hear, and her hand just hung there.

"H-hrmm," Darkness mused from beside me. "I'm not sure I agree with her methods, but I have heard the adventurers around here have been exceptionally apathetic of late. It's not only the quests nobody wants—they won't even do normal quests. . . But, well, here we are." I thought I saw her steal a glance at me. "It's because of all those huge bounty heads we've toppled with you—everyone's purses are getting heavier, and nobody wants to work. It sounds like there's a direct correlation between how much time someone spends with you, Kazuma, and how much of a no-good NEET they become.

Maybe this sort of gimmick was necessary to help keep Axel safe."

Listen to her spouting that BS. But she wasn't wrong that it would be an issue if nobody hunted the monsters around town. . .

"Okay, why don't we pick some random quest? Gotta show Komekko our best side, right, Megumin?" I gave her a half smile.

"That is true enough. Only Aqua got anything to do yesterday; I must show her that her big sister can hold her own, or I'll lose her respect."

When we were going to look for some random quest, though, Luna turned to us with a huge smile. "Don't worry, Mr. Satou. I already have something for you, a quest worthy of such a powerful party!"

Well, that sure didn't inspire confidence.

Heck, we had just finished getting rid of Lucy's ghost, one of those things nobody else wanted to do. And now she was foisting something else big and dangerous on us? I took her by the arm, this woman I knew well by now, and pulled her over to a corner where Komekko wouldn't hear us. "Listen, Miss, you know exactly what my party is like, right? Cut us some slack here—normally you wouldn't touch us with a ten-foot pole, but now you get all friendly? Just because you're pretty and cute and sort of my type doesn't mean you can go bossing me around."

She smiled, not completely upset—maybe she'd heard the whole pretty-girl thing before—and said, "Oh, ah-ha-ha, 'pretty'? You're a smooth talker, Mr.

Satou. . . All right, let's do this. If you complete this quest successfully, then you and I can go on a date when I get off work today—how's that?"

"That's not what I'm angling for here. And for that matter, every adventurer in town knows the rumor that you're afraid you're getting past your prime."

She looked very serious. "Excuse me, Mr. Satou, but perhaps I could ask you who's spreading that rumor?"

"Anyway, thanks but no thanks. We're off to hunt some frogs or something."

I made to leave, but I felt an iron grip on my arm. "I won't let you get away, Mr. Satou—everything else aside, this particular quest must be done by you specifically. That's one thing I'm sure of. The quest I'm asking you to complete would be absolutely impossible for anyone in Axel except for you."

I found myself frozen in place by the woman's suddenly grim demeanor. It was definitely her demeanor that did it and not the fact that I was enjoying the way she was holding my arm, which caused me to press up against a certain part of her anatomy.

Something she said sparked a memory. "This particular quest."

"It seems you think very highly of me. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but let's be honest with each other: When I actually have to legitimately fight, I'm just a small fry."

"I know that, of course."

What, she wasn't going to try to argue it?

Everyone in the Guild was running around, getting ready to take on this or that quest. Luna stared straight at me and said:

"The quest only you can handle is. . ."

3

A little forest to the west of Axel was home to one gigantic tree. This tree was well-known to our adventurers and Guild employees, and although supposedly no one was allowed near it, there was no end of travelers from other towns.

Why would people come from so far away? It had to do with the monster living under that tree. A character called the Leisure Queen. Think of it as a higher form of the Leisure Girl I'd slain a long time ago. . .

"Hey, Kazuma, I think we should take a pass on this quest. We're dealing with the Leisure Queen, right? She's been there for ages—do you know why no one has gotten rid of her?" We were on our way to the forest. Aqua, behind me, had been lecturing us for some time on the wisdom of this job.

"Kazuma, Kazuma. You know, I myself am not very eager to have to deal with this Leisure Queen. . ." So even Megumin wasn't feeling it.

"I wish both of you would leave Kazuma alone. I grant that the Leisure Queen is a boon to certain people. Like those who are suffering from a terminal illness —some might ask what's wrong with them going to the Queen to expire peacefully. But for exactly that reason, that forest has become the go-to place to commit suicide. That's what that is. As a servant of the gods, I can't countenance killing oneself. And I can't let a creature that murders live, even if her victims go to her willingly."

Darkness was trying to stick up for me, but I didn't think she really got it, either. I set down the backpack I was carrying and turned to the three of them.

"Listen, we haven't decided we're going to kill her yet. Do any of you really believe that I'm out to defeat the Leisure Queen for money or fame?"

"Sure we do. For a few experience points or some cash, you'd be happy to destroy even the sweetest fairy, wouldn't you? Like those Snow Sprites of mine you secretly killed—I haven't forgotten, you know. I'd even given them names!"

Geez, was she still upset about something from that long ago? I heaved a sigh and said, "I've told you again and again, I didn't have anything to do with that.

They melted because you put them by the fireplace."

Once upon a time, when we'd gone to hunt some monsters called Snow Sprites, Aqua had decided to capture and raise them instead. When she couldn't find them the next day, she arbitrarily decided I must have done it.

"I told you when we ran into that Leisure Girl on our way to Crimson Magic Village. Those aren't good monsters; they're evil, evil, evil." My party members had called me monster and demon and all sorts of other names, but I'd kept trying to explain it to them. I really thought I had brought them around. . .

"Well, I've thought about it since then, and it seems fishy to me. If she was so awful, then my unclouded eye should have seen through her."

"Your unclouded eye is blind!" I shot back, causing Aqua to puff out her cheeks. I pulled something from my backpack.

"Hrk. . .! Kazuma, is that. . .?"

It was a magical item that had helped (and hurt) us more than once in the past: a bell that rang when someone told a lie.

I knew if we just went straight to exterminate the Queen, Aqua and the others would try to stop me. Hence the bell. It would help us establish once and for all how awful this creature was and prove that I had been right all along.

"Watch and learn, girls. Specifically, learn that I've been telling the truth."

I was feeling pretty confident, but Aqua eyed me doubtfully.

We trudged through the dark forest, on our way to the tree. There weren't many monsters in these woods. From what I'd heard, earlier adventurers had proactively gotten rid of all the other enemies in the area so that none of them would harm the Leisure Queen.

I had no idea how long we had been working our way through the woods. I was even starting to doubt we were going in the right direction at all when:

"Hey, Kazuma, is that her? Something's sparkling over there."

I looked where Aqua was pointing and saw what seemed to be the one bright spot in this gloomy forest. We headed toward it and discovered a massive tree along with a small spring of water. No trees grew beside the spring, so it caught the sunlight, glittering with the reflection.

That was when someone called out to us. "Have you adventurers come in search of relief? Or are you simply lost?" The voice was gentle and musical; it was relaxing just to hear it. I turned toward the speaker, who said, "Or. . .have you come specifically to see me?"

There she was: a beautiful woman, the lower half of her body basically made of vegetation. She looked friendly—downright pleased to see us.

4

Uh-oh. I hadn't been expecting this.

"So are you the Leisure Queen?" Aqua demanded.

The woman cocked her head. "Leisure Queen? Is that me? I see—you humans do like your names. You gave one to me as well—is that it?" Then she happily repeated the name to herself several times. "Thank you so much—may I personally express my gratitude to the one who gave me this name? I'm afraid they'll have to come to me, as I can't leave this spot."

The Leisure Queen was so friendly, so earnestly fun, that I knew then and there, things were much worse than I had ever thought they would be. We had exchanged only a few words, and I could already see that not only Aqua and Megumin but even Darkness was starting to feel some affection for this creature. The Leisure Girl we'd taken out in Crimson Magic Village had played on people's desires to protect small, weak things. But this lady's strategy was to outright make friends, pleasant and fluent from the start.

"Huh. I see your roots have become completely fixed to the ground. I guess that makes you different from the Leisure Girl—she looked completely human," Aqua said, heedlessly getting closer to the creature to touch the roots.

"No, don't do that!" the Leisure Queen exclaimed, all pretense of friendship forgotten. Aqua flinched with surprise, and Darkness stepped forward to cover Megumin and me. "You must not touch my roots," the Queen said. "They might harm you, whether I want them to or not." She looked sadly at the ground.

". . .Hey, what's going on here? If there's anything that's bothering you, I'd be happy to talk about it."

Aqua sounded worried, and I was thrown for a loop by the Leisure Queen's words. I'd sure never thought she would deliberately tell us she was dangerous.

What was the story here? Was this creature really a higher form of the Leisure Girl? She wasn't quite what I'd been expecting. . .

I whispered all this to Darkness, who looked amazed that this was just occurring to me now. "You've always insisted that the Leisure Girl was a blackhearted monster, right? But this Queen has always been known as a creature of integrity. Enough so that every adventurer sent from our town has agreed about it. Ultimately, even the Adventurers Guild argued about whether or not to destroy her. They couldn't agree whether she was really a monster who harmed people and therefore the valid object of a hunting quest."

"So that's why it came to me, huh? Come to think of it, Luna did say something about an investigation quest. I guess she knows that with my experience with the Leisure Girl, I won't let down my guard around this one— that I'll be able to take a good, objective look at things."

"I think that might be giving both of you a bit too much credit, but one thing that's for sure is that people did appreciate your willingness to destroy that Leisure Girl."

The practical problem with having a Leisure Queen around was that everybody wanted to be the object of her affections. Adventurers would leave everything behind, even family and friends. For them to find their final rest in the arms of a monster was deeply ironic.

"It was a serious argument," Darkness continued. "Which is really better: to die alone and lonely or, after a difficult life, to live out your last days with a beautiful woman—even if she is a monster?"

So you could die by yourself, unremembered, or you could go to your rest with a beautiful woman smiling upon you—even if you knew you would be monster food after that. I had to admit, that argument made it hard to think of this creature as wholly evil.

. . .At least, not if this Leisure Queen didn't also turn out to have a real dark side. Without ever taking my eyes off her, I said, "I want to ask you something.

What happened to everyone else who's come here? What kind of end did they meet?"

"A very easy one," the Leisure Queen said. "Faces peaceful and relaxed." She sounded matter-of-fact, yet as if she might burst into tears. "But it seems you are not like the others who have come here, are you?" She smiled fleetingly at me. "The only way I can continue to exist in this world is by killing you humans."

She didn't even try to conceal the nature of her existence. "You look to be very strong of heart. . . Listen, it pains me deeply to ask such a thing, but. . ." The slightest tremble passed through her body. "For the sake of my beloved humans. . .would you exterminate me?"

That smile was sort of awkward.

Damn, what's this about?

Could it be this monster had a legitimately pure and decent heart?

I remembered the time Aqua had exorcised a Lich named Khiel. He'd asked for it himself, saying something about wanting to go to the person he loved.

This Leisure Queen was asking me to get rid of her so she wouldn't hurt any more humans.

But wait, think back to the Leisure Girl. I'd been taken in by her at first. The only thing that had allowed me to exterminate her was dumb luck. If I'd left her alone, I was sure she would have been feasting on some unfortunate traveler right about now.

"You can't!" Aqua exclaimed. She took the Leisure Queen's hand. "You mustn't throw your life away when you aren't even suffering from a terrible illness or anything! Listen to me. In this world, no one and nothing is useless.

The only things that should vanish from this world are the undead and demons!

Even monsters—there are delicious ones, and cute ones, and even kind ones like you! Even NEETs should go on living, so a good-hearted creature like you should live so much more!"

The Leisure Queen looked moved almost to tears.

"She's right—you haven't done anything wrong. In fact, people widely consider Leisure Girls to be a place of final respite for retired adventurers.

Everyone agrees that it's better to meet your end in someone's loving arms than to die a slow, painful death from illness and old age. When they come to you, an even higher form of Leisure Girl, it is their own choice. You don't need to worry." Now Megumin was holding the Queen's other hand and even giving her a sort of hug.

"So it. . . It's all right for me to exist in this world. . .?" The Queen gazed at them with something like confusion.

Only Darkness didn't seem convinced; she looked from me to the Leisure Queen and back again.

This was virtually a re-creation of the scene outside of Crimson Magic Village.

Ugh. I was probably going to get myself chewed out for even thinking about using this, but. . .

"Say, Kazuma. This Leisure Queen, do you think. . .?" Darkness stopped when she saw the object in my hand. "H-hey, that's. . ."

The magical object I had gone out of my way to borrow for this trip. The lie-detecting bell. I'd seen it used on me time and time again—now it was my turn.

I took it toward the Leisure Queen; Darkness backed away a little. Why did she have to look at me like that? I was just an adventurer trying to be sure of what I was dealing with.

"Quit staring at me like that; I'm going to feel hurt. I'm not made of stone, you know."

That got Aqua and Megumin to turn and look at us.

"H-hey, Kazuma, what's that in your hand? It's not that, you know, ringing thing, is it? I know all about that."

"K-Kazuma? Surely you don't doubt her? Surely you don't need to use that thing. . ."

Both of them looked as freaked out as Darkness, as if they couldn't believe I was really doing this. Meanwhile, the Leisure Queen cocked her head intently and said, "What do you have there?"

"Oh, this is a magical item that knows when you're lying," I told her. "If you say something untrue, it jingles."

The forest was completely silent as the Leisure Queen and I stared at each other. Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness were all glaring at me, incredulous that this was happening. Hardly able to bear it myself, I approached the Leisure Queen. "Look, don't worry. If this thing doesn't make a sound, it'll mean we can completely believe you. The Adventurers Guild might even rethink wanting to get rid of you."

Yeah, all of us here would be witnesses. But. . .

"You're right, of course. I'm a monster; what right do I have to expect you to trust me?"

But please don't look at me so sadly. You're killing me, here.

"Hey, Kazuma, the way you look right now—it's totally like a woman who announces happily that she's pregnant, but she's been sleeping with other people, and it shows on her face so much that even her husband starts to wonder if it's his kid."

"That is going a little far, Aqua. Although I certainly recognize this person's penchant for infidelity and his tendency to constantly doubt everyone around him. . ." Megumin trailed off; maybe she realized that what she was saying was a bit of a non sequitur.

"Thank you, both of you. But it's all right—I'm a monster. I'm used to not being trusted. I beg you not to think twice about it. And you, sir, please don't look so sad. Don't blame yourself. . ."

The only one who actually seemed to have something to contribute to this conversation was the Leisure Queen, a fact that practically made me cry.

Dammit, why did the Guild lady have to stick me with this job? Did people really think I was that unfeeling? It was enough to hurt a guy. . .

As I stood there stupidly with the bell in my hand, Darkness said gently, "There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. I think this is the right thing.

Why don't you give me the magic bell? I don't want you to always have to be the villain."

No, no—my instincts were still telling me not to just naively trust her. The Leisure Queen hadn't taken her eyes off the bell since I'd brought it out. She had pretended not to recognize it, but I thought she knew exactly what it could do.

Darkness, oblivious to what I was thinking, took the item. "Leisure Queen, let me ask you something. What do you think of us humans?"

". . .You humans are immensely important to me. It's not an exaggeration to say that without you, I could not exist."

Aqua and Megumin watched the bell closely, but it didn't ring.

Darkness let out a profoundly relieved sigh and said, "There—I'm sorry for doubting you. Please forgive us. But that's enough to clear your name. . . See, Kazuma? Come on—cheer up. Things went weirdly smoothly today, don't you think?" Darkness sounded like there was a huge load off her shoulders.

But I didn't look at her as I said, "What happened to the adventurers and travelers who came to you, after they died? You used them for their nutrients, right?"

The air froze.

"G-geez, you can't—" I ignored Aqua's astonishment, looking directly at the motionless Leisure Queen. "You said humans are immensely important to you. But you meant immensely important as food, right?"

The Queen looked at me, hurt, as if she might cry. Crap, this was really bugging my conscience right now. But there was something weird going on here. I was sure of it. She knew how the bell worked and was choosing her words carefully so as not to set it off.

It's okay, Kazuma. Believe in yourself.

I had the instincts of an eternally cautious NEET. I didn't have the proof yet, but I knew this creature had a dark heart.

"Let me ask again. What happened to the bodies of the adventurers after you attended to them? Answer truthfully."

The Leisure Queen's expression went from sad to lonely as she said, "They became my food. They're a part of me, even now. . . They'll live on forever inside me. I'm sure I shall never forget them. . . Does that satisfy you?" She glanced at me, her eyes suddenly hard. What was going on here—why was I being treated like the bad guy?

"You're a real monster, Kazuma. Did you drop your human heart somewhere?

I'll go find it for you if you just tell me where it is. Come on—out with it! Or did that amnesia potion make you forget how to be a decent human being?!"

"Kazuma, I must say, your inquiries, the way you ask those questions. . . When Aqua went to touch this creature's roots not long ago, did she not stop her?

Surely she would have drained Aqua dry of her own volition."

Geez, everyone was piling on at once. But with the Queen's last answer, I was finally sure. She was working a con job here. She understood exactly what this bell did and was treading lightly. She wouldn't outright lie.

". . .Listen, guys, I've got a favor to ask. Would you leave me alone with her for a moment?"

I needed them all out of there. Just the Queen and me.

"And why would a monstrous NEET like you want to be alone with a sweet, innocent creature like her?"

"Do not tell me you plan to gleefully exterminate her when we have our backs turned, like you did the Leisure Girl in Crimson Magic Village."

"Geez, don't you trust me at all? Fine, I won't slice her up while you aren't looking. See, the bell didn't ring, did it?"

The silent magical item convinced Aqua and Megumin to leave the area.

"Kazuma, I know monster hunting is an adventurer's duty, that someone has to do it. But don't paint yourself into a corner, okay?" Darkness alone, as usual, seemed slightly confused about what was going on—but at least I had everyone out of there now. I watched them go, then turned to the Leisure Queen.

"Time to put all our cards on the table. I know exactly what you and your kind are. Tell me everything—no games, no hiding."

". . .Oy, you," the Leisure Queen said. "Doesn't a body get tired, being suspicious of everyone all the time?"

She was trying to give me a life lesson—almost as if she were human!

5

"There it is. This is rich, a plant lecturing a human."

"Talk about your small men. And you wonder why you're still a virgin."

. . .

"Listen, I don't need an oversize vegetable telling me about my virginity. How does a monster like you even know a word like that? Some adventurer must have taught it to you."

"When you live as long as I have, you learn a few things. . . So what's the story? Which of those three are you looking to get with?" The monster had dropped all pretense—and it turned out to be a lot of pretense.

"This is why I hate wild monsters—no sense of discretion. And anyway, those three are my adventuring companions, so get your mind out of the gutter. I'm going to pull you up by the roots."

The Leisure Queen smiled indulgently at my threat. "Try it, and your 'adventuring companions' would come running. You really okay, seeing your Affection plummet with them? And you can drop the facade—human males are in heat basically year-round, right?"

"In heat? Human males? I told you to have some decency when you pick your vocabulary! Us humans have a lot of steps to go through before we get to, you know, that stage. Humans are sensitive creatures—don't act like we're just another breed of monster."

The Leisure Queen cocked her head at that. "But from the moment we met, you haven't taken your eyes off these." She lifted her big, cushy-looking boobs, which were covered by thin cloth that hardly looked like it was made of leaves.

"I've got a man's intuition about these things. That's simply a biological phenomenon—like photosynthesis or the way you plants spread your seeds in spring."

"I'll cop to photosynthesis, but I'm above spraying my seeds everywhere.

Don't lump me in with lower forms of plant life. We manipulate humans, bend them to our will, and get them to move us over great distances. Long ago, when I was growing in a different spot, I begged to be moved somewhere the adventurers and the monsters weren't so strong, and now here I am."

These things knew how to survive; I had to give them that.

"Furthermore, unlike you humans or, say. . .goblins, we aren't prepared to get our freak on all year long. We undergo root division only once every hundred years. You reproduce without even meaning to, but we seek harmony with nature."

"I object to your goblin analogy. You're pissing me off here, plant." I was getting lectures on ecology now? From a monster?

". . .So now you know exactly what I am. And what are you planning to do with that knowledge?" The Leisure Queen looked at me with respect but also vigilance, a complete change from earlier.

"Oh, I think you already know. I'm an adventurer, and you're a monster. That makes us mortal enemies, and that means there's only one way out of this."

"What have I done wrong?" the Leisure Queen demanded. "Everyone who came to me did so of their own free will! Because passing away in my arms was so much better than just dropping dead with nobody to know or care! All I asked in return was to be able to put their corpses to good use. Those adventurers got to meet their ends peacefully and easily—no pain, no sadness.

And I got my food. Everybody's happy, so where is the problem, Mr.

Hypocrite?"

I was getting seriously sick of this plant. A little knowledge really was a dangerous thing, especially when a monster had it. "You think I'm going to let you get away with mouthing off to me like that? It's extermination for you.

According to the lady at the Guild, thanks to you, people have started coming to this forest specifically to commit suicide. It's hurting the town's image. Just to make sure that sort of thing never happens again, I'm going to put up a sign at the entrance to these woods with a nice, happy name on it."

"Well, hold on there—don't be hasty. Anyway, I know perfectly well you don't intend any harm." The Leisure Queen gave me a nasty little smile.

I didn't intend any harm? What did that mean?

"It's been very nearly a century since I put down roots here. You think no one else ever caught on in all that time? And what do you think happened to those perspicacious souls?"

I was starting to wish I hadn't sent everyone else away. I'd been forgetting:

This was no small-fry monster. The last Leisure Girl I'd run into had been living outside of Crimson Magic Village, an area crawling with powerful creatures. No run-of-the-mill opponent would have made it through the struggle for survival in that area.

I reached for the sword at my hip, but she said, "Now, now, let's keep our heads. Don't get me wrong—I'm not here to bury you in an unmarked grave. In fact, I have a proposal I think you'll like very much." Then she pointed at her feet.

"What are you playing at?"

"Dig here. You'll find something very valuable to you buried in this spot."

That was when I got it.

The Leisure Queen used adventurers' bodies for nutrition. But the metal objects those adventurers were wearing, the gear, the personal effects—where did those go? The answer was literally at her feet. She was saying. . .

"You act awfully human for a monster. Trying to buy me off?"

"It works out for both of us, doesn't it? You make a little cash; I come away with my life. It's win-win. I told you: We seek harmony with nature."

So she made sure to keep some money around for times like this. Ugh, I didn't know about a monster who literally saved up to buy off bloodthirsty adventurers. But. . .

"Sorry, you got the wrong opponent. My name is Kazuma Satou, Axel adventurer and vanquisher of a whole bunch of generals of the Demon King. If I'd been any normal adventurer, I think your little plan would've worked. But don't imagine I'm like the rest of them, okay? All my great exploits have left me with more than enough money."

I set down my backpack, and for the first time, the Leisure Queen looked like she was starting to sweat. "H-hold on there. Just relax. I see now that you're a man of exemplary integrity who can't be moved by money. Yes, I was taking you too lightly. No question you're the cleverest of all the adventurers I've ever run into. And rightfully proud, too—a true adventurer in every sense."

That got me to slow down for a moment. "You figure if bribery doesn't work, you'll try flattery? Too bad for you that the immense acclaim I've received has left me immune to just any old compliment. Why, until recently, I was forcing the maids in a castle to list ten or more good things about me every single day."

"And you can live with yourself that way? I'm a monster, and even I can tell there's something wrong with you." The Leisure Queen looked genuinely baffled. ". . .Hey now, what's that? Hold on. What have you got in mind?" She went pale when she saw what I had pulled out of my backpack. I wasn't exactly sure how a plant could "go pale," but I let the question slide as I displayed my prize to her.

"As you can see, it's herbicide."

"Okay, I get it—let's talk! I—you know—if you really hate my being here so much, I don't mind if you transplant me to some distant mountain someplace. .

. I'm begging you. Think about it: I swear I've never entrapped a human or taken them before their time. In fact, I only ever cared for elderly adventurers, and let it be said that I've been very good to them, really—you don't know how many times I've heard the same stories; I've done everything—at least let me go out on a high note!"

I can't say I wasn't touched by what she said, but I still didn't stop.

"Transplant you? But that giant tree is your real body, isn't it?"

"This entire forest is my real body. My roots are everywhere in these woods;

if you uprooted the entire thing. . ."

"As if! How much time do you think I have?" I opened the lid of the herbicide and set it on the ground.

"I'm begging you—let me go! You want money? I'll give you money. You want everything here? Take it! If you leave me be now, I'll remember you for the rest of my life. You know, I remember every single adventurer I've ever cared for.

You humans don't live very long, but at least in my memory, you can live for ages. How about that? Even those with no offspring have someone to keep their memory alive. Isn't that worth something? Come on. Let me gooo!"

This thing was awfully talkative for a vegetable. But it was time to put an end to this chat. I took the bottle of herbicide in one hand and advanced on the Queen.

"You're kidding me, right? You said you wouldn't hurt me. That lie-detecting bell didn't even ring. What, did you have a change of heart? This is messed up! I know—this is just an attempt at intimidation!"

"I didn't say I wouldn't hurt you. Two can play word games with this bell. I said, 'I won't slice her up while you aren't looking.' And I'm not slicing you up, am I? No lie."

Now the Leisure Queen was really scared. "You're kidding me, right? L-look, I get it—let's talk! I'll do anything in my power! Like—what about these? You've been eyeing them since you got here! You can do anything you like with them!"

She grabbed her chest and jiggled it pointedly. "I mean, really, what am I supposed to do? Using the bodies of dead humans is just recycling, isn't it? I'm eco-friendly! I'm green! If you leave them lying around, they turn to dirt— what's it matter if I absorb them instead?" Then all that chatter suddenly paused. ". . .Heeey, are you starting to come around after a good look at these?"

(Image)

". . .No."

Just because I stole a peek at her bouncing bust, I wouldn't say I was coming around. I knew I completely lacked any honor or integrity, but even I wasn't so far gone that I would get hot for a plant monster. (The only monster I needed was a succubus.) "Come on! I've put everything on the table, so why don't you do the same?

No one has to know, eh? Be honest—you're curious, aren't you?"

So this was the Leisure Queen, the subject of a quest renowned for its difficulty even among all the tasks nobody wanted to take on. What a wily and dangerous opponent—be strong, Kazuma Satou. You're dealing with a plant, here. It's literally the same thing as that sexy radish Vanir had the other day.

"I'm a plant, and I draw nutrients from the earth—it's practically instinctive for me. And you want to touch these—as a male, that's your instinct. What's wrong with instinct? Monsters are living things—I'm alive; you're alive! Let's follow our instincts and let nature take its course!"

Instincts? Nature? I guess a plant monster would know a thing or two about nature.

I was reaching out toward that chest, sort of vacantly, when I abruptly stopped myself. "What the hell am I doing?! You're too dangerous—I was about to cross a line no human being should cross!"

I snapped back to myself, and that was when the Leisure Queen realized that even sex wouldn't work on me.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk!"

The forest filled with a high-pitched scream.

6

"What? What happened?! Kazuma, what are you doing?!"

"Kazuma, what is this you are about to scatter all over? Is this herbicide?!"

The Leisure Queen's scream had brought Aqua and the others running.

"Good timing, you guys! Help me out here—I knew this thing was bad news!"

I was feeling triumphant, but for some reason, the girls all gave me troubled looks.

"I turn my back on you for a minute and look what happens. You obviously found some way to cheat that bell. Tell me what's going on here!"

"Aqua is right. Explain this situation."

I tried to recount my conversation with the plant, but the Leisure Queen, a glint in her eye, broke in. "This man suddenly tried to do something horrible to me. . .!"

"Butt out!" I said, brandishing the herbicide at the mouthy weed.

Darkness put a hand on my shoulder, clearly feeling awkward. "Kazuma, I have no idea what's going on here. Why don't you start by explaining it to us?"

"I knew this thing was a blackhearted monster—the moment we were alone, she started talking; smoothest operator you've ever seen. Here, tell the bell.

Tell everyone how the moment they left, your attitude changed completely.

Just try pretending it didn't with this thing here." Cornered by the magical bell, the Leisure Queen didn't say anything at all but only looked at us dejectedly.

"Hey, drop the act. You're gonna make everyone think I'm the villain here! Give it up and spit it out!"

But I had been underestimating my opponent, forgetting that these monsters' ecological niche basically consisted of entrapping people. Instead of answering me, the Leisure Queen dropped the biggest bombshell of all.

"This man has been deeply interested in my chest all along. . ."

"Hey, don't change the subject." I could feel Aqua and the others all looking at me. Then they looked at the bell—silent—and the air grew tense. "You know how to play the game; I'll give you that. I didn't think things would go this far.

But you're not the only one who knows how to put this bell to good use. All right, girls, watch closely. Take a good look at just what this 'Leisure Queen' is!

After you guys left, she turned into the nastiest, filthiest creature you ever saw!"

No jingle from the lie-detecting bell, of course. Aqua and the others looked a little confused.

"I—I recognize that I didn't speak in the most refined manner. But please, I have an excuse!"

Seeing the bell remain silent, the girls backed away, clearly wondering what exactly we had talked about. They were trying to decide which of us to believe.

The Leisure Queen, realizing she was at a disadvantage, went on the offensive.

"Wh-why, only a moment ago, you were reaching out for my chest—you were going to touch it!"

Bell? Not a sound.

"Oh, you wanna go there? Well, you were offering to let me squeeze your boobs if I spared your life!"

"I never said anything so crude; don't put words in my mouth!"

The bell still didn't ring, and the looks from the three women got colder and colder.

"Damn, this isn't getting us anywhere! I should never have bothered trying to talk to you—I should have gone right to brute force! This is what you get! Take this!" I grabbed the herbicide and sprinkled it on the Leisure Queen's roots.

"N-nooo, stop! A contest of power when I can't even move? That's not fair!

You know you can't win a contest of words with me, so you're trying to overpower me instead—that's dirty!"

"Pipe down! What does a monster know about fighting fair? Ooh, you gonna throw down with me? Take your medicine! I've got plenty!"

The creature was grabbing my arm in the hopes of stopping me from sprinkling any more plant killer on her.

"Stop! Don't do something so cruel! Don't sprinkle such filth on me! I'll be polluted! Somebody save me! Don't let him put that dirty stuff on my lower half. . ."

"You choose the worst possible way to word everything! I'm just sprinkling some herbicide at your feet!"

So we argued and I sprinkled. The herbicide worked a lot faster than I expected, and finally. . .

"Ugh, I think I'm gonna throw up. Even though there's nothing in my stomach.

. . Even though I don't have a stomach. . . I feel awful. . ."

The Leisure Queen, having absorbed ample herbicide, lolled back and forth, her eyes unfocused. She was pale and unsteady, as if she were very, very drunk.

"All right, guys, now's our chance. Help me spread this plant killer!" I was gleefully tossing the stuff around, but everyone else stared at me in horror. "H-hey, stop that. Everything I said was true. I mean, this thing didn't lie, either, but she wasn't exactly right. Look, even I wouldn't get hot over a monster's chest."

Riiiiing.

The girls appeared even more horrified than before.

"Heh-heh-heh." The Leisure Queen still obviously wasn't feeling well, but she managed a triumphant chuckle. "How about that, you damnable adventurer?

For the rest of your life, you'll be marked as the man who was aroused by a monster! That's what you get for spreading this disgusting crap on me—see you in hell, you stupid virgin!"

I guess the Leisure Queen had reverted to her true colors.

"Drunk on herbicide, huh? Well, if you see me in hell, it's because you're going there first!"

I stalked over to the creature with the bottle in my hand, causing the monster to start rambling desperately. "Aren't you embarrassed, beating me with strength just because you couldn't out-talk me? I see you—you're beet red!

Earlier, you wouldn't shut up about what a great adventurer you are, but isn't it humiliating to be a virgin if you're so damn great?! You have three females around you, and not one of them has popped your cherry yet—adventuring companions? Looks like you're the only one who thinks so. I'd say they barely consider you more than an acquaintance, you—" Before the creature could go any further, I dumped the herbicide right in front of her.

"Ugh! Gross! Dammit, you filthy virgin! My roots extend all through this forest! It would take decades to uproot all of them! You think you can destroy me in the space of your piddling life span? I don't think it'd be worth whatever you got out of it, but hey, go ahead and try!"

To the bitter end, the Leisure Queen insisted on leaving a scar on my heart.

7

"That must have been quite a challenge, Mr. Satou. Excellent work defeating the Leisure Queen!"

"You're telling me—it was awful! It was the worst!" We had come back to Axel and immediately reported to Luna. Beside me, Aqua was crying her eyes out and had been for some time. "That Leisure Queen was soooooo scary; I don't want to go anywhere near that forest ever again. . ."

Once the tables had been decisively turned, the Leisure Queen had let it all hang out, enacting her wrath on everyone there.

"Listen, Kazuma. . . Am I, you know, sort of a wallflower? Do I not seem to really be here? Now that I think about it, I feel like this sort of thing happens a lot. . . Take yesterday. Aqua and Megumin did all the work. And then today, you took out the Leisure Queen by yourself. Am I really a third wheel, like she said?

Is she right that you could bring an Adamanmoise along instead of me and get pretty much the same result?"

Darkness, thoroughly depressed, looked like she was hardly staying on her feet. I guess the stuff the plant said had really gotten to her.

"My name is Megumin, greatest genius of the Crimson Magic Clan and first among the spell-casters of Axel Town. Worry not; I am strong, I am amazing, I am certainly not some castoff of the Crimson Magic Clan. One need not lend an ear to anything a monster says, least of all such remarks as that one is merely pretending to be a tough, lone-wolf wizard because one is unable to make any friends. It's okay—I have friends right here, precious adventuring companions.

Nothing to worry about, nothing at all. . ."

I looked over at Megumin, who had been mumbling to herself for a while, and saw the Leisure Queen had hurt her more deeply than I'd realized at first.

"I knew you could do it, Mr. Satou! You know all about this Leisure Queen now, right? Every adventurer who went to destroy her came back saying they wouldn't lay a finger on her! Sure, enough people say she's harmless that the reward is minimal. . . But the Adventurers Guild can't have a monster living near town; it's bad for our reputation! I only asked you to investigate the matter, but you went right ahead and destroyed her. Thank you so much for your help!"

Notwithstanding the profound scars on our hearts, Luna had a bright smile on her face. Beside her, Komekko was looking at us with eyes full of respect.

. . .And that was when I realized something.

"I only took out her torso, really. You'll have to get someone else to take care of all the roots she put down in that forest. By the way, maybe I can take this opportunity to ask you something. Why were you so sure I could defeat this Leisure Queen?"

The woman across from me froze.

It wasn't actually difficult to defeat a Leisure Queen; they couldn't move.

Anyone who wanted to could do it. The only real danger was that one would leave you with a prickling conscience.

"Don't tell me. . . It wouldn't happen to be because you assumed I was the sort of fiend who would happily destroy even a Leisure Queen, was it?"

Luna didn't answer, just handed us the pouch with the reward. "Well then, Mr. Satou, excellent work today! See you later, Komekko, sweetheart! Come back tomorrow!"

"Hang on a damn minute! We aren't done! I'm never bringing Komekko back here again—heck, I'm never coming back here again! I've already done plenty of work, and now I've done the hardest quest from the leftovers, too! What else could you possibly want from me?"

The woman listened to me rant for a second, then said, "Tomorrow we'll have a nice, big cake for you, okay?"

"Okay!"

She had stopped even trying to hide how ruthlessly she was using Komekko against us.

8

We wrapped things up at the Adventurers Guild, then went home, where we had a good, hard rest to heal the brutal damage to our spirits. Aqua and Darkness, for their part, went out to the chicken coop to be healed by Emperor Zel.

"Komekko, come here," Megumin said. "I want to talk to you." She was sitting on the sofa across from where I was sprawled out; she had recovered a bit quicker than the rest of us. She patted the spot next to her invitingly.

"I dunno why, but I feel like you're gonna get mad, Sis, so I don't think so."

"Komekko!" I guess Megumin's little sister was pretty perceptive, but anyway, Megumin went on. "Listen, okay? I have told you many times not to take food from strangers. And as far as the events of yesterday and today, it doesn't befit a member of the Crimson Magic Clan to let themselves be used as bait so easily.

. ."

Megumin, who had begged us for food when we first met, claiming she didn't have anything to eat, apparently had an entire lecture in store.

"Back at the village, you told me to hit people up for food when I saw them, Sis."

"Hey. . .," I quipped almost involuntarily, but Megumin wouldn't look at me.

"That was then; this is now. The village is so small that there really aren't any strangers. But in a town like this, you mustn't accept food from people you don't know. You have no idea what price they may ask later."

"Don't care," Komekko said without missing a beat.

"Komekko! You should care! They may tempt you with food, but what will they do to you after that? I'm saying this for your own good—you seem so likely to simply follow after anyone with a treat in their hand."

"Of course I would, and then they could raise me," Komekko said blithely.

Megumin pounded the table. "Don't be an idiot! Listen to what I'm saying!"

"Sis, you have an anger problem."

Megumin jumped to her feet, which sent Komekko scuttling out of the room.

"Stop right there, Komekko; you can't run from me! Today I'll make sure you finally listen to me!"

Komekko had gone running. . .directly into the mansion's kitchen. We heard a click that suggested she had locked the door from the inside.

"Come out this instant, Komekko! Or you won't get any dinner tonight!"

"I'll come out when all the food in here is gone."

Huh, so she hadn't run in there by accident.

"Komekko, quit your foolish joking! Anyway, if you don't open that door, the rest of us won't be able to eat dinner. It's almost time to start getting the meal ready, so hurry and open up. . . Komekko, what are you eating in there?! Don't be so selfish—come out! Come out, or I'll break down this door!"

"Don't smash my door because of a little sibling rivalry," I said, coming up behind Megumin. But if I let the kid stay in there, we would never get to eat.

"Yes, but, Kazuma. . . This is the time at which to discipline her properly, lest we regret it later. It will not do to try to tame her after it is already too late."

If I remembered correctly, the Axis priest Cecily had told me Megumin had obediently followed her out of sheer hunger the first time they had met.

"Not very convincing coming from you—speaking of already too late. . ."

"Hey! If you're picking a fight with me, you shall have it!"

"Knock 'er dead, Big Bro!"

"Komekko! It is below the belt to throw out taunts while locked up in another room! Come on out here already!"

I really couldn't tell whether these two sisters were the best of friends or the worst.

. . .Well, maybe it's being close that makes sibling rivalry possible.

"I found a big ol' chocolate in the cupboard!" we heard Komekko exclaim from the kitchen.

The blood drained from Megumin's face. "Komekko?! You must not eat that. I specially prepared it for— Fine, Komekko, all right! I won't be angry anymore.

Just please come out! Let's all be friends again!"

Ah, loving sisterly conversation.

"I'm gonna eat this. I'll come out after."

"Komekkooooo!"

I was reminded of how great it seemed to have a sister.