A Goddess’s Cheerleading for This Man’s Man!

1

It rained all day, but Aqua didn't seem to mind. She was happily working in our "garden." Megumin was standing beside her, holding an umbrella and apparently giving her instructions.

"Listen, Kazuma, I want you to say something to them, too. They can't take this farmwork too lightly. Every year, there are mushroom and bamboo farmers who find themselves in serious trouble," Darkness said fretfully, watching them out the window.

"Believe me, I know how rough farmers have it. I mean, in my country, we have typhoons, and sometimes people even go missing. But those two won't listen to reason, and you know it."

"So it's the same where you come from. Yeah, during typhoons, even the vegetables get a bit agitated…" I'd been talking about how farmers got worried about irrigation canals and fields when there was a storm, so they would go check on them and get themselves in trouble. I guess we had slightly different ideas about how the world worked.

"Just look at this, Kazuma! Something's already popping up in our garden!"

Aqua shouted. She looked perfectly happy despite the rain pounding down on her. Maybe that was the goddess of water for you.

"And the anchovies' eyes are coming in. I admit, it is a little grotesque, but now is the perfect moment to get a look at them."

Geez, Megumin too… "Hey, Darkness, this stuff about getting watermelons from the ocean or anchovies from a farm field—doesn't any of it feel weird to you?"

"Why would it feel weird? You say the strangest things sometimes."

For the first time in a while, I felt the culture shock of being from another world. And before the feeling had passed, there was a knock at the door. When I went to see who it was, I was greeted by a very frantic-looking penguin suit flapping its winglets. While I wondered how he knew where we lived and what he had come here for, Aqua spotted him.

"Hey, you!"

"Pyeeeek!" He produced a birdlike squawk when Aqua shouted.

"You've got some nerve, after I told you I would purify you if I ever saw you out here! Your weird demon friend isn't around to help you! You're going straight back to the afterlife!"

"Wait, please! I'm here for a reason! As a matter of fact, Lord Vanir and his friend the shopkeeper, they…" We made our way through the pouring rain to the magic-item shop.

"Wiz, you're back! We wondered if we'd ever see you a—" "Stupid, stupid Vanir! You never did know how to be delicate, and you don't now!"

"You are the stupid one, shopkeeper, expecting delicacy from a demon! I thought you were wandering around, merely prodigal, and now I discover you're addled by romance! Go, then! Go and be a wife!"

We had obviously walked right into the middle of a big argument.

"Can I?! Is it really all right if I get married?! You know that once I join someone else's family, I'll have to quit my job here at the store, don't you?! It will be under new management! A demon's contract is absolute, isn't it? I want to know what will happen to your agreement with me to help the store prosper!"

Wiz must have come home through the rain, because she was soaking wet.

But those weren't raindrops at the corners of her eyes.

As for Vanir, he was so attentive to the detail on his handcrafted body that a blue vein even pulsed on his forehead as he shot back: "When you are gone, O late-blooming shopkeeper, and this shop has a new manager, maybe I will get someone I can work with, after which this store shall prosper, and I shall finally have the resources to build my dungeon! So go to your married life with your mind at ease, you besotted businesswoman!"

"Yaaaaahhh!" Wiz flew at Vanir and grabbed him.

I turned to the penguin suit beside me and said, "Explain."

"Lord Vanir and Miss the Shopkeeper have been like this for some time now.

When miss finally came home, Lord Vanir peppered her with questions, but she seemed so distracted that he started to get angry. I haven't been able to break them up myself, so I came to you for help."

I wanted to tell him not to bother us with crap like this, but if it meant Wiz was home, then I guess it was all right.

Aqua raised an eyebrow and stepped in between the two, who were now in something of a grappling match. "Excuse me, Wiz, but where have you been?!

Everyone's been worried about you! You better apologize!"

"Aqua, I believe Wiz is fairly busy right now, so rather than make things more complicated, please come over here to a corner with me." Megumin pulled the ever-oblivious Aqua to a corner of the shop.

Darkness, meanwhile, said, "What is it you two are fighting about anyway?

Look at how hard you're making this on Count Zeeleschilt."

Wiz wheeled on Darkness. "Listen to me, Miss Darkness! I've been holed up for days in a dungeon at the edge of the world that they say is the deepest dungeon ever, just hunting monsters and fretting!"

I was definitely intrigued by this violent way of being a shut-in, but Wiz took a flower from a vase sitting there in the shop, twirling it around her fingers. "That man… This Duke, who appeared so suddenly and offered to accept me and all that I am… I just couldn't understand why he would be so passionate about me…" Huh? This was "besotted"? Vanir looked thoroughly annoyed, but Wiz hardly seemed to notice as she went on: "I mean, I'm a Lich, right? But Duke says he doesn't care, that even as an undead, I'm beautiful, that he loves me anyway…" "I was eavesdropping on your conversation using my Read Lips skill, and I'm not sure he actually said any of that," I put in, but Wiz seemed to ignore me, fiddling even more industriously with the flower.

"And then there's this asking me to be his wife even though we've only just met… And he claims he doesn't want someone as sweet as me to do such dangerous work and that he'll protect me…" "He definitely didn't say that." Duke hadn't gone that far.

"Kazuma, I'm talking about something very important right now. Please don't interrupt… Anyway, he's given me this sudden proposal, but I have my contract with Vanir to consider and the shop, too. Oh, what should I do…?"

Wiz glanced sidelong out the corners of her eyes, catching a very frustrated-looking Vanir, who scowled and said, "And this is how she's been ever since she got back to the shop. What should she do? I told her that if she wanted to continue running the shop, then she should start working to make up for all the time she was away, and if she wanted to be someone's wife, then she ought to go and get married. But my response seemed to anger her for some reason."

"It's because you could stand to be a little friendlier! Aren't we any closer than that?! I thought we were partners, working together to make our dreams come true!"

Vanir frowned at the word partners. "A demon's contract is absolute… But even I find my spirit nearly broken by your level of idiocy of late. I've been racking my brain day and night to see if there isn't some way to take a cooling-off period from our agreement…" "I won't let you void our contract! Even I understand that without you, my shop is finished, Vanir. A-and anyway, no one could possibly build the world's largest dungeon but me, you understand? Could you live with yourself, Vanir, if you gave up your dream of an impregnable dungeon in whose depths you will await the greatest adventurers?!" Wiz was practically clinging to his knees now.

"So are you going to go out with that guy?" Aqua asked. "Or is he not your type?"

At that, Wiz looked at Vanir and fiddled with her flower again. "He's not so bad-looking, I guess, and I appreciate that he loves me so deeply… I just, you know, feel like I have a duty to help Vanir achieve his dream."

"It doesn't matter to me whether you are the one who runs this shop or not.

If you will but build the dungeon when I've saved up the money, that will be quite enough."

"Vanir, are you actually one of those people who's prickly on the outside but a shrinking violet inside?! I'm not seeing enough of your sweet side. You need to show more interest in me! We've known each other for so long! Can you really bear to see me whisked away by that man?!"

Maybe she had unconsciously used Drain Touch in her anger, because the flower in her hands was wilting.

"I don't know that a genderless being such as I can be said to have a sweet side… But very well, I understand. I shall put some genuine effort into looking into the future. And if my vision reveals this Duke to be a terrible partner for you, then I will chase him off. Does that satisfy you?"

Seeing how annoyed Vanir looked, I realized that this might actually be perfect for Duke. Yeah, I'd thought his number one obstacle would be that Vanir would resist a change of ownership at the shop, but he was on board with the idea. It was the sort of disinterested thinking characteristic of a demon, and it might have just made my biggest hurdle disappear.

…But wait. What if he turned his all-seeing vision on Duke and found some new problem? As I was debating whether to try to stop Vanir, his eyes began to glow with a strange light… "Oh-ho… I see, yes; I can see it. This man who so adores you has been hard at work in this town, gathering information about you."

Wiz's mouth softened into a smile; I guess she sort of liked the sound of that.

"…Hmm? W-well, what is this…?! Wonderful, most wonderful! I thought he was difficult to see clearly! So that's how it is!"

"Wh-what is it, Vanir? What's so wonderful? I don't know if I've ever heard you praise someone like that before!"

As Wiz and all of us stood amazed by the sudden change in Vanir, the self-proclaimed All-Seeing Demon crowed:

"The All-Seeing Demon makes a declaration! You shall respond to this man's affections. And when you do, one who receives blessings and happiness beyond all measure shall be born!"

2

We were on our way home from the magic-item shop.

"Gotta say, I never expected Vanir to just go along with it like that. I knew this guy was something special." Mumbling to myself, I wasn't really talking to anyone in particular.

"I do wonder why this man is so ready to take the side of a stalker… Though I admit that Wiz's suitor at least has a certain single-mindedness… Unlike a certain someone I know who will run off with any female adventurer at the drop of a hat or let himself be swept along the moment something happens in the bath…" Megumin was looking at me like she hoped I got her point, whatever it was.

"Yeah, and unlike a certain someone, he seems to really value the person he's committed to. A-ahem, not that I personally abhor an adulterer, considering it's just one more way to be a terrible human being…" Darkness was looking at me like she hoped I got her point, whatever that was.

"What the hell? I already apologized about the bath thing! But if you don't mind my saying so, you two aren't exactly blameless, either! My girl Megumin is always leading me on but never willing to cross that last line, and Darkness has that stupid, sexy body, but all she can do is tease a guy with it! She never has the nerve to do anything else…" "I am beginning to think this man is the worst person in the world!"

"Lately, he's been getting closer and closer to 'my type'…" As the two of them attacked me, Aqua, despondently bringing up the rear of our group, said finally, "I won't have it." I looked at her. "I can't accept this nobody from who-knows-where! It doesn't make any sense! This is Wiz we're talking about, right? Why would he fall so deeply in love with her? I guarantee he's got some evil plan in mind! Call it a goddess's intuition! He doesn't love her at all!"

To this sudden outburst, I responded, "You're just upset that you won't have anyone to have tea with."

"Of course I am! But it's just, I've also got a slightly bad feeling about this! It's hard to explain, but it's like I just know it's going to lead to my archenemy being really happy…!"

I see! Wait, no, I don't.

"Maybe that's true, but now that Wiz is starting to come around to the idea, it would be wrong of us to try and stop her. If you want her to be happy, then we should let this play out," Megumin said. Aqua retreated into a sulky silence.

After Vanir had given his stamp of approval to Duke… Wiz had fretted and fretted some more but ultimately agreed to consider the idea with a hopeful attitude and got back to work. So now the matter was between her and Duke, and not for outsiders like us to interfere in. Or, it shouldn't have been… "I'm going to put that man to the test," Aqua said, her eyes showing a steely resolve.

"And how are you going to do that? What in the world do you have in mind?"

I asked before I could stop myself.

"I'm going to make sure that guy is really as serious about Wiz as he claims," Aqua said. "And I'm going to do it by chatting him up. I'm going to pick him up like it's going out of style."

Huh?

"A-are you nuts? You wouldn't know love if it slapped you in the face, and you seriously think you're going to lead that guy around by the nose?" Forget Duke, I firmly believed she'd even have a hard time seducing a rando on the street.

"Just who do you think I am? I'm Lady Aqua, object of the devout worship of ten million Axis Church believers around the nation, beloved by all, remember?

Even the neighborhood children like me! And just the other day, an old man gave me some candy. I'll just tell these two what to do, and that guy will be like putty in my hands."

I didn't know where she was getting this confidence. For that matter, what did she mean, "tell these two what to do"?

Aqua, though, ignored my doubts and went on with a beatific smile and further confidence: "After all, I've got a loli-killer who can deal critical damage to anyone with the slightest whiff of lolicon, plus Miss Lewdness herself, irresistible to any man with a hankering for some hanky-panky. If he can withstand their temptations without faltering or slipping, then I'll admit that he's all right for Wiz!"

"Just a second… 'Loli-killer'? Is that me?! I will not be party to something so stupid! You talk of testing his devotion, but I think of myself as a devoted woman, too! And I have Kazuma now, so I will not help with any seduction!"

"Yeah, and stop acting like I'm nothing without my sex appeal! I feel like your treatment of me gets worse every day! I don't exactly hate being abused, but even I'm starting to grow a little annoyed by this…" Their objections went in one ear and right out the other for Aqua, who said, "I know neither of you has the least bit of experience with romance, but don't worry—I'll tell you everything you need to know! Just watch. You'll see I was right all along!"

"I said I wouldn't do it, okay? I'll have no part of this! Aqua, are you listening to me?!"

Aqua was being shaken by Megumin, but our Arch-priest was really talking to me.

3

The woman was so gorgeous, she looked out of place in such a run-down watering hole. Bewitching, that was the word for her as, wearing an expensive dress that looked like it might have cost more than this entire bar, she worked her way over to a robed man drinking quietly by himself.

"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" she cooed, the most alluring smile she could muster plastered on her face.

"If you're here to offer me your services, I'm not interested."

You guessed it: The guy in the robe was Duke, and the woman talking to him was Darkness, acting on Aqua's instructions.

"Hey, Aqua, she went the whole nine yards, makeup and everything, and then he turned her down, saying he wasn't looking for her 'services'! Pfft!"

"Shhh, Kazuma, don't laugh. He'll notice us… Pfffft, hee-hee!"

Maybe Darkness heard us, because she got visibly redder.

Aqua and I were a short distance away, using my Ambush skill to blend in, ready to provide emergency assistance on the off chance that Darkness's little charade actually worked. She was going to be our first attempt on Duke… "And here she got so upset when I said it was impossible for her. She swore nobles had learned all the ways into a man's heart, ha-ha!" I whispered.

"Listen, we don't have any choice. This is for Wiz. I thought she was pretty cool right up to the part where she said she would show us the aura of a true noblewoman!"

Darkness hadn't been eager to go along with this idea at first. She even tried to pin it on me, asking if I would really be all right with her chatting up another guy, but I just said I heard being cuckolded was all the rage these days, and I wouldn't mind trying it myself—which, for some reason, made her swear that she completely empathized with me and would do everything she could to help.

I guess my answer was a lot more perverted than I'd realized.

And what about Megumin, you ask? She ran off somewhere before Aqua could convince her to be part of the plan.

Aqua and I were busy whispering at a safe distance from Duke and Darkness when Darkness seemed to remember why she was there; she took on a look of renewed resolve. She then gave Duke her most beguiling smile and giggled softly. "Surely, you jest, sir. I assure you, I'm not selling anything. I'm the proprietor of a small shop here in town; my name is Lalati—" "Oh, hey, Darkness! Wow, what the heck are you doing wearing a nice dress in a seedy bar like this? This ain't the kind of place nobles usually come to, y'know? But since you're here, O daughter of the Dustiness family, treat me to a round!"

There he was: the blond-haired punk who so often frequented this place.

Come to think of it, I remembered running into him here the other day.

"Heavens, are you sure you don't have me confused with someone else? I'm —" "What're you talking about, Lalatina? It's me, Dust! We partied up together that one time, and we've done lots of other stuff, too! Don't tell me you forgot!"

Darkness turned away from Duke, who was listening to their conversation intently; then she quietly but firmly shoved a small coin into the insistent punk's hand. She made a shooing motion; Dust didn't look entirely pleased, but he obliged and left.

Darkness pasted on a smile again and said, "…Those people who claim to know you are just everywhere, aren't they?"

"What does a daughter of the Dustiness household want with me?"

This was bad; he was already figuring it out. Aqua and I moved so only Darkness could see us and gave her the signal to give up and go home. She saw us, but she only bit her lip and said: "I see my joke has gone a little too far.

Allow me to introduce myself properly. My name is Lalatina Ford Dustiness. I'm the daughter of the governor of this town and an adventurer as well."

I guess she'd decided to reveal her true identity as a noble and carry on with the game. She sat down beside Duke and smiled elegantly at the owner of the establishment. "Bring the finest wine you have for my companion and me."

"I'm afraid a place as cheap as ours doesn't stock wine, Lady Dustiness."

"Stop that, Kazuma! Don't laugh! Darkness is a noblewoman! She doesn't know anything about cheap bars! It's not her fault!"

"Then why are you trying so hard not to laugh? Stoppit—you'll make me crack up!"

And it wasn't just us: Some of the other customers were chuckling, too.

Darkness was blushing to the tips of her ears. "Ahem, the most expensive thing on your menu, then…" "One barrel of ice-cold Crimson Beer, coming right up. Thank you very much!"

The owner offered Darkness and Duke mugs and set down a barrel.

That woman was useless; it was completely obvious by now what she was trying to do.

"I must say I'm impressed… You can drink this much?"

"I… Ahem… I just thought that in celebration of our meeting, I would treat this entire bar…," Darkness said in a voice as loud as a mosquito.

Satisfied by a highly amusing scene, we snuck out of the bar (which was one giant party by now) after Darkness, who had already fled into the night.

"I am never, ever doing something like that again! Curse that Duke, humiliating a noble like me!" Darkness peeled off her white gloves and clenched them in her fist with anger.

"You self-destructed. That had nothing to do with Duke… Hee-hee!"

"Don't do that, Kazuma! Darkness went to all the trouble of getting dressed up, and Duke hardly even noticed her! You should feel bad for her, not laugh at her! There, there, Darkness, I thought you did a good job! Especially that part about celebrating your meeting, where you turned the whole thing into a party!

If someone said something like that to me, I would definitely show them my best party tricks!"

"Arrrrrghhhh!" Darkness finally just put her head in her hands, tears welling up in her eyes. "But my temptations didn't move that man, and even knowing I was a noble didn't seem to influence him… I knew I was right. He is different from a certain someone who'll give in to any temptation. I'll have to rethink everything…" She sounded so serious. Aqua put on a straight face for once and said, "Kazuma, did you get an aura of nobility from her?"

"Sorry to say, I didn't. I guess those are the special man-slaying techniques that nobles learn, but did you see anything new?" I replied, equally serious.

Darkness smacked me with her glove. "I'll kill you!"

She had finally snapped. Aqua and I made a break for it.

"Dumbass, you pushed her too far! Now she's really pissed!"

"Waaaaahhh! It was that last thing you said that set her off! Find a way to fix this!"

"You're both at fault for pushing me to this point! It'll only be worse for you if you run! Take your punishment before we get back to the mansion!"

4

When I returned early in the morning, I ran into Aqua working industriously in the garden.

"Look at you just sauntering up, you runaway NEET. Darkness didn't get you, but she got me, and I've never had my bangs pulled so hard."

Terrified of the enraged Darkness, I'd used my Flee skill to escape and then spent the rest of the night outside.

"Never mind me. Isn't there something kind of weird growing in this garden?"

"Oh, so you're just going to try to change the subject? I took the brunt of all of Darkness's anger for both of us, so the least you could do is be grateful."

I ignored Aqua's nagging, crouching down by the little plot of dirt. Tiny, figurine-size girls appeared to be popping out of the ground. "Hey, hold on— you really are growing mandrakes. If one of those things starts screaming here in town, it'll be big trouble. I thought you said you were going to do mandrakes next year."

"The seeds were so cheap, I went ahead and bought them, but I never expected them to grow so fast. I wonder what these things are, though?

Actually, their faces look oddly familiar. They do say plant-type monsters mature in a hurry…" When she said that, the pieces fell into place. "Dammit, these are Leisure Girls! Why the hell are you growing these?!"

"J-just a second! I only planted the seeds the guy sold me, all right?! He gave me a big, big discount, and since he was so nice, I never suspected he was selling me monster seeds!"

What an idiot!

"That's why they were so cheap! He was foisting them off on you! It wasn't enough for you to buy a 'dragon' egg that turned out to be a chicken egg—now you're growing deadly monsters in our front yard!"

"I keep telling you, Emperor Zel is not a chick! But listen, what are we going to do about these things? I just know Darkness is going to fly off the handle if she finds out we're raising monsters!"

I guess we had been a little too loud… "Morning, Kazuma. You have some nerve, casually sauntering in like that!"

I turned toward the voice and discovered Darkness, who now knew I was home, just putting on her sandals so she could come out into the yard.

"Kazuma, Darkness is headed this way! Do something about her!"

"Personally, I don't much care if she finds out about your Leisure Girls and has them all destroyed…" I was going to forget about the whole thing and run, but Aqua started beating me like a punching bag. "You monster! You're a demon NEET! Do these tiny, vulnerable lives mean nothing to you?!"

"Hey, spare some of that sweetness for the undead and the demons you're always purifying! Argh, dammit, here she comes!"

Aqua and I pointedly stood in front of the Leisure Girls so Darkness wouldn't see them.

"I'm sorry, Darkness!" I pleaded. "I was wrong! I went a little too far, teasing you yesterday! See? I'm apologizing. Please let me off the hook!"

"That's right, Darkness—haven't we worried enough about yesterday? Look, I'll make you some delicious breakfast, so just go wait inside!"

Darkness looked suspiciously at both of us. She might have bought my abject apology, but Aqua's obsequious attitude must have raised a red flag. Only fair:

Normally, Aqua would have been insisting on something like that Darkness should be equally mad at me as she had been at Aqua last night.

Darkness, now clearly smelling something fishy, glared at me. "What did you do?"

"Hey, don't look at me! You could count on one hand the number of times I've caused trouble!"

So Darkness stared at Aqua instead, who instinctively looked away from her.

You know, now that I think about it, Aqua has always been a really bad liar.

"Out with it! What have you done this time?!"

"Why am I responsible for something that's everyone's collective fault?! You need to stop assuming I'm always the bad guy!" Aqua yelped while giving Darkness a little shove in the chest to keep her at arm's length.

"Hey, why are you so keen on getting me out of here?" A little scuffle started as Darkness tried to stop Aqua from trying to stop her, and somehow, in the middle of it all, she got a look over Aqua's shoulder… "Hey."

"It wasn't me." Aqua started by trying to deflect blame from herself, then immediately clung to the stone-faced Darkness.

"Aqua, are those Leisure Gir—?"

"No way, Darkness! These are just adorable little mandrakes that grew a little faster than I expected! I mean, I did buy mandrake seeds!"

I didn't know which was more dangerous, mandrakes or Leisure Girls, but Darkness didn't look happy at all.

"You thought you planted mandrakes?! Hell, those are hardly different from Leisure Girls! Get out of the way, Aqua! The greatest mercy we can give them is to destroy them before they're conscious!" Darkness rolled up her sleeves and advanced to uproot the Leisure Girls.

Welp, I'd seen this one coming. We could hardly raise monsters right here in town, and this was the obvious outcome. I would even grant that Aqua probably didn't mean any harm, but like Darkness said, it would be best to deal with them in one fell swoop… "Stop it—I already named them! I gave them good, strong mandrake names like Dead Scream and Bloody Mary!"

"You idiot, those names only make it obvious that you know how dangerous mandrakes are!" I yelled. "It was stupid of me to feel any sympathy for you at all. Darkness, get those damn things out of here!"

I shoved Aqua out of the way face-first. Just then:

(Image)

"Good morning. As ever, our household appears to be quite lively so early in the day. What did you do this time?"

There was Megumin, our supposed runaway, and for some reason, she was covered from head to toe in mud.

5

Megumin had taken a bath and was now stuffing her mouth full of breakfast to warm herself up.

"Where in the world did you go, Megumin? I didn't realize you were so desperate to avoid chatting up that guy that you'd spend all night practicing your survival skills. I wouldn't have forced you. So just don't go putting yourself in any more dangerous situations, okay?"

"You're quite mistaken. How much of a wild child do you think I am? Granted, I did leave the house because I didn't wish to have to seduce anyone, but there is a good reason why I was so muddy when I came home." She let out a breath (I wasn't sure if she was annoyed or calm) and wiped the corner of her mouth.

"Oh, is there? What, did you see an experience-rich monster and go chasing after it? Or maybe some kids made fun of your name, and you went chasing after them?"

"I resent that remark! These days, there are no children in town who dare make fun of my name. I've dished out enough punishment to make sure of that."

"Yes, and their parents have been complaining to us," Darkness said. "I'm always the one who has to go over and apologize. Remember that, will you?

You're not going to do any more of that, are you?" She sounded a bit nervous.

As for me, I encouraged Megumin to go on with her story while I made tea.

"As it happens, after I left the house last night, I had nowhere to go and wandered around town hoping I might bump into some adventurer I knew so I could freeload off them…" Apparently, for pretty much the first time ever, she hadn't managed to find anyone she knew. She'd headed for the Adventurers Guild, assuming there would be someone there she recognized, but… "Yunyun happened to be there desperately looking for someone to help her with those trials of hers, so I lent her my aid again."

"Forget the rest. I can see where this is going."

I tried to cut her off, but Megumin's eyes flashed, and she said, "Ah, but listen, Kazuma. I am capable of learning from past experiences. During our previous attempt, the riddle we were presented with in the first trial got on my nerves, and I sort of let my magic slip. This time, so there would not be any accidents if I got annoyed, I gave my staff to Yunyun before we arrived and simply tried to keep up with her after that."

"Huh." Megumin normally loved to be out in front, hogging the spotlight.

Maybe she was growing up a little.

"But as it turns out, while they admitted Yunyun despite her earlier failure, I, who destroyed the entire testing area last time out, have been banned from participating as a partner. So, after consulting with Yunyun, we came up with a plan: We would sneak into the testing area at night, when no one was looking, complete the trial, and then demand that our achievement be recognized."

I guess all that maturity was just my imagination. Megumin still said the strangest things.

"So we trudged through the forest to reach the new testing area—hastily constructed in the wake of the destruction of the previous one—and this time, we resolved to confront the riddle properly. After all, our team consisted of the Crimson Magic Clan's greatest genius—myself—and her self-proclaimed rival, Yunyun. No test of intellect could stop us for long, or so we assumed."

"I have a bad feeling I already know how this story ends," I said.

Megumin wouldn't meet my eyes, which didn't increase my confidence.

"When we thought about it, we realized that since graduating from school, we'd both had only…practical experience. No matter how many times we attempted the riddle, the magical item refused to pass us, so I grabbed my staff back from Yunyun and destroyed the testing facility… And it being nighttime, the noise attracted the local monsters…" "Just tell me you weren't discovered by the villagers," I said nervously.

Megumin replied proudly: "Let me put your mind at ease. While we were running away from the monsters, the villagers, alerted by the explosion, came running in our direction, so Yunyun used Teleport to get us back to the village, where we acted like we didn't know anything about it and even got dinner! But incidentally, I seem to have underestimated the Crimson Magic Clan's knowledge of magic, for the next morning, they somehow discovered that I was the culprit and insisted I should compensate them for the magical item…" "Of course they figured it out! You used explosion magic! 'Knowledge of magic,' my ass! No one else uses that spell! Why would they?!" I grabbed the invoice Megumin held out to me apologetically and gave her the money.

"I'm very sorry, Kazuma. Next time, I assure you, we'll be sneaky enough not to be noticed."

"You're learning the wrong lesson! Just stop!"

Megumin, sipping the tea I had made and seeming quite happy with it, said, "So what in the world happened here?" She looked innocent and puzzled.

6

"Wh-what are you going to do about this?"

"I'm not going to do anything. You're just as guilty as Aqua. You helped her plant that garden."

Megumin sounded suitably terrified when I told her about the Leisure Girls. "I swear I never imagined we'd gotten monster seeds…" While Megumin tried to make excuses, Aqua tugged on my sleeve. "Kazuma, I promise I'll raise them right. All those other Leisure Girls have turned out evil because their environment was bad. But if you raise a purehearted creature with love, it'll grow up to be loyal and true."

Yeah, great… "Aqua, you have to listen to me. Leisure Girls are monsters. They kill people every year. They're very dangerous, and they—" "Raise them! Yeah, that's it! You've done it now, Aqua! You're actually acting smart today!" I interrupted Darkness's umpteenth attempt to bring Aqua around. Yeah, this was a great idea!

"What is it, Kazuma? What wonderful thing have you thought of now? I always knew you were the guy to go to when there was trouble. Let me in on it, pretty please!" She sounded thrilled.

With a big smile on my face, I explained: "Okay, Aqua, listen up and listen good, got it? First, we raise these Leisure Girls out here in the yard. Get 'em to multiply. Now, you know the story, right? Leisure Girls lure travelers to an easy death with their gift of gab. All that really means is they don't have any attacks.

But they still give you all kinds of experience. So we raise them right here in our front yard, and we can just walk out and level up anytime we want! We just have to—" "Ugh, it was so stupid of me to think you could help me at all, you dumb NEET! Did you drop your human heart somewhere, Kazuma? I didn't know you could sink so low!"

Gee, that seemed harsh.

"Hold on. I've heard the Crimson Magic Clan has a method they use to level up where more powerful clan members immobilize a monster, and then a weaker person finishes it off. 'Farming,' they call it. I admit, I thought it was kind of repellent when I heard about it the first time, but it's basically the same thing, right? You were the ones who were all gung ho about going to level up earlier!"

"Traditional Crimson Magic Clan farming involves risking grave danger against powerful opponents to immobilize the monster! It is nothing like your cheating excuse for leveling up!"

"H-hmm, I have to admit, it sounds awfully efficient but also kind of unethical…" Uh-oh, I was losing my audience. Personally, I was able to countenance the idea because I knew that Leisure Girls were evil through and through from the moment they sprouted. Heck, these three ought to have had some lingering trauma in regard to Leisure Girls.

"Okay. Let's just forget about my sweet little sproutlings for the time being and talk about how Darkness did her best seduction act last night and still got shot down. What happened there?"

"A-Aqua, I wish you would stop emphasizing that I got shot down…," Darkness said gloomily, but Aqua was on a roll.

"Our head seductress, Darkness, had no effect on him, so now it's time to send in our next agent, Lolimin. If even that doesn't work, I'll have no choice but to admit that he's suitable for Wiz."

"I believe I have made my objection to this scheme abundantly apparent, and also I wish you would stop calling me Lolimin! If this is so important to you, Aqua, do it yourself!"

Aqua clapped her hands. "You know, that's not such a bad idea. If he can resist someone as beautiful and elegant as me, it would prove his devotion.

Okay, Darkness might've been a wash, but I'll definitely turn his head!"

"Listen, not to sound immodest, but I don't think my womanly virtues are less than yours, Aqua! Hey, did you snort just now? Wait a second, Aqua—how low do I rank in your eyes?!"

7

That night. Back at the tavern for the zillionth time, we were scoping out a table near the wall.

"I still can't believe she's trying to seduce a guy. I mean, geez, she's the worst at love out of any of us."

Darkness nodded assiduously. "But to be fair, Aqua is rather easy on the eyes, so you never know. Even if her actual character as a woman is…well…" "Perhaps, but all of us, including Aqua, have been chatted up in other cities.

Our poor reputation precedes us in this town and somewhat hampers us, but beautiful women and young ladies of our level should really have men knocking down their doors… Why, Kazuma, do you keep smirking at me like you have something to say?!"

I ignored Megumin's little objection, using my Ambush skill to help us remain inconspicuous. Then I activated my Read Lips ability so I could tell what Aqua and Duke said.

As we watched, Aqua padded up to Duke. For this evening, she had traded in her classic feather mantle for something that looked more like what an average girl on the town would wear. I was trying to figure out what she was doing with her weird half run, but from the way she kept swaying, I guess she thought she was being sexy.

"Hey, you handsome-ish man drinking over there. Looks like you have almost as much time on your hands as our NEET at home, so could I have a minute?"

That didn't seem like a very nice way to talk to someone you'd just met, but at least Aqua had made first contact. I quickly conveyed the line to Megumin and Darkness; Duke looked annoyed until he saw Aqua and goggled. He looked like he was witnessing some strange creature, and I couldn't really blame him.

Aqua mistook his reaction for something else—though I couldn't tell what, exactly—and gave him a big smile as she slid into the seat beside him.

"Goodness, are you that surprised to see a beautiful woman? Hee-hee, what a charming boy you are. I happen to know something very interesting. Well? Do you want to know, too?"

Maybe she thought she was acting like an experienced older woman. I guess this was what she thought a guy wanted. It was transparently a sales pitch, though, and I couldn't believe she really thought this was going to work. But as I sounded out what Duke said next, I could hardly believe my ears.

"Oh? Something interesting, hmm? Very well, then. I'll hear you out. Barkeep, get this woman a drink and put it on my tab."

Was he insane? Hang on—why was this guy going along with whatever Aqua had turned herself into and whatever she thought she was offering…?

"Oh, well, thank you very much. I have a NEET at home who always wants me to treat him to everything, but I'm afraid he's not here today."

Ooh, she was gonna get it when we got home. In fact, she seemed to have forgotten the rest of us were listening. When I related their conversation to the others, I heard a chattering sound. I looked over to see Darkness and Megumin, both gone pale and shivering.

"Y-you're kidding…," Darkness said. "Kazuma, you're kidding, right? He turned me down flat, but he buys her a drink… A-a-am I really less appealing than Aqua? I always thought of Aqua as this innocent girl who never gave off the slightest hint of femininity, but he's practically dancing in the palm of her hand…" "S-s-stay calm, Darkness! He's only bought her a drink so far! Aqua is quite accustomed to having people treat her to things; there is nothing unusual yet!"

I ignored the two suddenly shaken women; Aqua and Duke's conversation was getting good.

"So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Hoo-hoo, you do get straight to the point. All right, I'll tell you. I heard this from a friend of mine who lives in the neighborhood—if you poke a wild Neroid in the butt with your finger, it goes myeek! an octave higher than normal. Bet you didn't know that, did you?"

"...Is that some kind of code for something? Or are you speaking a language I don't understand?" Duke might have been listening seriously, but did I really have to convey this ridiculous conversation to the others?

"K-Kazuma, what are they saying? He looks exceedingly interested…!"

"Hey, Kazuma, is Aqua not only sexier than me but a better conversationalist, too? I'm not saying I look down on her, but I admit, I'm sort of shocked…"

(Image)

I would have felt too stupid telling Megumin and Darkness what Aqua had just said, so I went back to focusing on the conversation.

"How about another one, then? The Pink Myurumyuru Shell has the word shell in its name, but it's actually related to the sea anemone. When threatened, it wraps its feelers around its head like a shell and turns like a screw at a high speed. Oh, I'm sorry, is this all going over your head?"

What the hell was a Myurumyuru Shell? And why the hell would anyone care?

For that matter, why was she saying something so ridiculous as if it was such a big deal? Was this how a goddess tried to pick up a guy?

"Sorry, I've never heard those words. In fact, I've hardly understood half of what you've been saying since I met you. And yet, I don't think you're trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I don't sense any evil intentions from you. See, when humans tell a lie, no matter how small, a dark aura emanates from them.

But in that respect, you look completely pure."

"Oh, I never lie. You seem like a special one, though. An excellent judge of character, especially when it comes to women."

"I do have some faith in my judgment, if nothing else."

It was like he had holes for eyes.

I wanted to march right over to Duke and deliver this biting quip, but I also wondered what in the world was going on. Was Duke basing his judgments on what amounted to a deity's holy aura?

This little twist must have left Aqua feeling better about herself, because she got back to the subject. "I have to say, it's a real shame. Such a perceptive person, in love with a walking corpse. I've heard, you know, that you're in love with an undead."

"Don't be ridiculous! Me, love an undead?! That's absurd! There's nothing I hate more than undead and demons!"

...…Huh?

"What's going on, Kazuma? What are they talking about?"

"Why did you suddenly turn pale? Did that man say something unpardonable?"

Whoa, no, hang on—there has to be some mistake… "Now, here's a man I can talk to! You are so right; undead and demons should all be destroyed! Demons are especially bad! The worst! Just the smell of one drives me up the wall!"

"I agree completely! I have an almost biological hatred of demons. I don't know why they even exist… What is that goddess Eris doing? She's supposed to be responsible for this world!"

Okay, this was getting really weird! My image of Duke was being torn to shreds…!

"You can't blame her—poor Eris just can't manage to do anything without her wonderful senior goddess around. At least, that's the rumor you should spread if anyone you know asks about it. Oh, and one more thing. Let me give you a very helpful bit of information. Eris pads her bra. That's a major point that's even in the Axis scriptures. Make sure everyone knows."

"Eris pads her bra… Ha-ha-ha, that is good to know! If I ever see her again, I'm going to tease the hell out of her with that little tidbit!"

"Hey, Kazuma, explain to us what's going on! It looks like they're really hitting it off!"

"Is it just me, or does Aqua look like she's having the time of her life? Is it safe to leave them together?"

I just wondered how the two of them could be so excited over such a stupid conversation.

"It's been a long time since I've gotten this excited talking about undead and demons! I'd love to treat you to another round, but unfortunately, I'm out of pocket change," Aqua said.

"Don't be silly—drinks are on me, of course. Now then, bottoms up!"

I could hardly believe it: Aqua getting along famously with a guy.

"Kazuma, the man just ordered a bunch of drinks for Aqua! This makes me look like a complete disaster!"

"Darkness, it seems Aqua was right. We were children. This is reality!"We could only watch in complete disbelief.

"I'm going to drink myself silly!" Aqua exclaimed.