Depths of Despair
POV - Governor CAL
[Day 2, March 2002, 9am]
As I sat alone in my office, the weight of my responsibilities pressing down on me like a suffocating blanket, I couldn't shake the nagging feeling of inadequacy that plagued my every thought. I struggled to find my footing in this new role, each decision I made weighed down by the heavy burden of uncertainty.
The recent events had only served to compound my doubts, leaving me grappling with the enormity of the choices I had been forced to make. The thought of Ali's torture haunted my every waking moment, a constant reminder of the brutal reality of my position and the shame I will feel for the rest of my life.
I had never imagined that I would be capable of ordering such a heinous act, yet in the face of mounting pressure and desperation, I had succumbed to the darkness within me. The guilt weighed heavily on my conscience, a heavy chain dragging me down into the depths of despair.
But now, as I sit in the solitude of my office, I can't help but wonder if I had lost my humanity. I thought back to the moment I ordered his capture going into, the wave of that shameful night flashback floods my mind. When Hamid yelled at Ali "Speak, Boy!" before delivering that slap across his face. I admit I felt empowered seeing this boy's interrogation.
"You are in the presence of the Governor! Speak up!" his voice echoed, confirming my status as the most powerful man in the region. It still shames me that I, of all people, should know the intoxicating power of others doing my bidding due to my station, my title.
Yet, looking at him through the steel bars, I said "You may think you hold the upper hand,". My stomach churns thinking that I might have smirked seeing this boy's face turn to fear.
And yet, despite the overwhelming guilt that threatens to consume me, I wonder if it is the power that . I must bear this burden, no matter how heavy, and carry on, for the sake of those who depend on me.
As I gazed out at the city skyline, the twinkling lights offering little solace in the darkness, I felt a surge of self-loathing wash over me. How could I have allowed myself to become so consumed by power, to sacrifice my own morals in pursuit of some twisted notion of duty and security?
No, no, no. It is not my fault. Even as I grapple with the consequences of my actions, a part of me recoils from the notion of bearing responsibility. It's not my fault, I tell myself. I was only doing what I thought was necessary, what I believed would protect my people and safeguard their future.
Surely, in the face of such dire circumstances, any man would have done the same. And yet, deep down, I know that this is little more than a, a shitty rationalization, a desperate attempt to cling to the illusion of innocence.
No no, what I am doing is right. With this power, I can build a better life for the people. He is one of the bad ones. The bad ones. Yes, like schools. Yes I can build schools, to create the opportunity for education and enlightenment, so that children like Ali… a place to study and hopefully to grow up as productive people of the region. Right?
Then, I come to a realization. I have been Governor for almost 24 hours but I do not have my own chief of staff. I slump over the table thinking that my head will explode from thinking more.
I cannot undertake any task alone. While my first project is to see this project through, I am at my limitations. As the great Clint Eastwood said, "A man's got to know his limitations."
I need someone by my side, someone with the expertise and experience to help me navigate the complexities of governance and education policy.
With a deep breath, I reach for the landline phone on my desk, my hand trembling and sigh to myself, instant messaging is not a thing yet. I hate calling.
"Hello?" comes the voice on the other end of the line, unfamiliar and tinged with confusion.
"Um, hello," I reply, my own voice faltering. "I'm, uh, the new governor. Are you my secretary?"
There was a pause, followed by a soft chuckle. "Well, Governor, you're in luck. I'm Abigail," she replied, her voice carrying a playful lilt. "How can I assist you today?"
"Oh uh, hi Abigail", I struggle to convey. "Do you know who is the Chief of Staff for me? I am quite lost here."
Another chuckle sounded through the line, and I could almost picture the warm smile on Abigail's face. "Of course, Governor. I'll arrange a meeting with Ms. Caldwell right away. And don't worry, you're doing just fine. We're all here to support you."
"Actually, Governor," Abigail continued, "would you mind if I came to meet you personally? I'd like to ensure that you feel welcome here, and perhaps offer a bit of reassurance in person."
"Thank you, Abigail," I managed to say, my voice betraying a hint of emotion. "That would be greatly appreciated.
With each passing moment, my anticipation grew. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of person Abigail was, and what wisdom and guidance she might offer me as I embarked on this new chapter of my life. Would she be a seasoned veteran of the political arena, with a wealth of experience to share? Or perhaps she would be a kindred spirit, navigating the challenges of this unfamiliar territory alongside me.
"Governor," Abigail greeted me, hand over her chest and a gentle dip, voice soft and reassuring. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you in person."
Lost in my thoughts, I almost didn't hear the soft knock on the door. Startled, I looked up to see Abigail standing in the doorway, a shocking but familiar face, her bright blue eyes and a warm smile.