7

Chapter 7: You Can Have it All. Just Not All at Once

Chapter Text

The next two weeks are spent in much the same way. During the day, Izuku desperately clings to consciousness and spends time with his mother or researches. Dark circles grow under his eyes and he takes naps many times throughout the day. After the first few all-nighters, when his mom sees him, she can immediately spot the bags under his eyes. And she worries. She asks him if he's having trouble sleeping? If maybe he's having nightmares or remembering anything from his imprisonment? It's obviously not true, but nothing he says can assure her. In fact, anytime he talks with her about his health, she never believes him.

But, despite the fatigue, Izuku is thriving . And maybe that's what stops his mom from asking anything more. Because Izuku has a light in his eyes and a bounce in his step and a smile he hasn't had for a while, and she really can't speak against that.

That doesn't stop his therapist from asking about his lack of sleep during their next session though. Izuku had been yawning quite a bit, but he reckons his mom talked to her beforehand.

She says the same things that his mom did. How if it's nightmares or strange thoughts, he needs to let someone know, if not her. Her eyebrows crease in worry for the first time since they've met. Her hair is white today, and the color coupled with the wrinkles between her brows makes her seem much older.

"It's not nightmares." He says immediately. "I'm working on something." Izuku admits, even though he won't divulge more. "I've told you how I want to be a hero. Well, this is something that will help me onto that path. Sometimes the time gets away from me or whatever I'm doing seems more important than sleep. It's nothing to worry about."

Heakarā-san snorts at the smile he flashes her. "Well it is worrying your mother." She says. Heakarā-san knows that Izuku's decisions are based widely on how they'll affect other people. She thinks if he knows he's worrying his mother, then he'll stop. And normally, he would, but this is a special case. Even with the guilt, Izuku has to continue.

"Regardless of whether the sleep loss is the result of nightmares or something less sinister, it isn't good for young people, or anyone, to get so little sleep continuously. It might be better if you just managed your time better to fit in your 'project' with plenty of time left available for sleep." Heakarā-san advises.

A fair point, but it isn't an issue of time management in the first place. Izuku already manages his time, strictly because he doesn't know how much he has. The threat of being sent back to his timeline is very real, and even if it isn't, the time until the USJ is fast approaching. He can't waste what little time he has. Speaking of the USJ...

"I have a question for you." Izuku says instead of agreeing to anything. It might be changing the subject, but he really needs the answer to this question and his therapist could be the best person to answer it.

Heakarā-san looks at him curiously. Perhaps she senses his serious tone. "Of course. Ask anything you'd like."

Izuku thinks of the nights he stands outside the bar in Kamino. He thinks of the shakes in his limbs that won't dissipate no matter what he does. He thinks of how pathetic he feels every time he returns home without making any progress towards stepping inside. He thinks of the few nightmares he does have, of events yet to happen, cold, reaching hands and swirling darkness and a man's deep sinister voice.

"What would you do?" He wonders, his eyes glued to his shaking hands and the scars that adorn them. "If there was something you had to do, but you were too afraid to do it?"

He looks up at Heakarā-san and sees her frowning. He doesn't know what she's thinking, but he wonders if he's gone too far. He's trying to prove that he's fine, right? What will admitting he's scared of something do?

"Hmmmmmm. It's not wrong to be scared of something. Even irrational fears are very normal to have. I think it's a matter of what you're scared of and whether you can face it, or if it'd be better to avoid it. Personally, if there was something I was scared to do, that I had to do, I'd look for any way around doing it. Sometimes we can get stuck on checking things off a list, that we don't realize there are other options. It's great and all, to want to face your fears, but there's no need to do it if you don't have to. But, if you do have to, or really want to, I'd suggest working your way up through the fear. For example, if you're scared of spiders and you have to hold a tarantula, you don't need to just hold the tarantula. It would be better to work yourself up to that, maybe holding various insects or smaller and more harmless spiders first in controlled conditions. But even then, do you really have to hold a tarantula? I can't think of any situation where that's your only choice. It might be better to just avoid it altogether, especially since not doing it won't present any dire consequences." She explains, Izuku hanging on every word.

"Tarantulas are actually one of the most harmless spiders, despite their larger size." He muses.

Heakarā-san huffs. "That's not my point and you know it. I'm just saying sometimes it's common sense rather than irrationality that keeps us from doing things. And there's no shame in being afraid."

Her response helps a little, but not quite enough with his current scenario, so he draws it out. "But what if you have to diffuse a bomb? Obviously you'd be scared of messing up and you wouldn't want to do it necessarily, but there's no other way. In that case, you couldn't avoid it because people's lives are on the line and you can't afford to think up another option because there isn't enough time."

"Where is the bomb?" Heakarā-san asks instantly.

Izuku sputters. "There's no specific location, I just-"

"But it's a scenario based on my response. And to respond properly, I need to know where I am and where the bomb is."

Seeing her point, Izuku scrambles for a location. "Okay. Uh, here. Let's say a bomb just flies in through the window. And it's got five minutes left on it or something."

"What type of bomb is it?"

"Does that matter?"

"Of course! How can I diffuse it if I don't know what it looks like or how it functions?" She says, a teasing smile on her face. Izuku doesn't know where she's going with this, but he answers anyway.

"It's an improvised explosive. Some chemicals in an impenetrable container attached to a laptop counting down by the seconds. So, what would you do?" He huffs.

Heakarā-san smiles. "I'd grab you and we'd run out of the building and far away from the blast. Maybe we'd jump in my car. I bet we could get very far away in five minutes either way."

Izuku's jaw drops. "You can't do that! What about the bomb? It'll explode and destroy the buildings! It could hurt or kill everyone around here!"

She shakes her head. "This block of buildings has very few inhabitants, but even so, I'd have them evacuate as well then. Maybe I'll pull the fire alarm. Five minutes should be enough time for everyone to get to safety."

Izuku closes his mouth and frowns in contemplation. She's missing the point. "Okay. What if the bomb's counting down from thirty seconds? Then there's not enough time to run."

"Then I'd throw it out the window. Up high so it doesn't blast anyone, or at least won't kill them." She shoots back.

"Why don't you just diffuse the bomb?" Izuku wonders, frustrated by her answers. "Wouldn't that solve the problem?"

Heakarā-san frowns now, obviously noticing his distress. "But my solutions solve the problem too. Why do you want me to diffuse the bomb?"

"Because," Izuku insists even as he feels a little helpless, "Sometimes there are no other options. I just gave you a bad scenario. Sometimes you have to find a way to diffuse the bomb."

"That's what I'm trying to show you Izuku." Heakarā-san says gently. "Your scenario was just fine, I'm trying to teach you that there's always another option. As long as you get the desired outcome, the methods shouldn't matter, right?"

And Izuku's starting to see it, but he's a little skeptical to believe that his problems will be solved through an alternate means.

"Aren't you supposed to encourage people to overcome their fears as a therapist?" Izuku jokes.

Heakarā-san laughs. "Maybe so. But knowing you, I think any fear you have is well worth avoiding. I know I haven't had sessions with you for long, but I can tell you have a very selfless heart. I'm sure that you think whatever you have to do, you have to do in order to save people. And I just want you to know that that isn't the case. You can save people without putting yourself in danger. It's okay to be afraid."

And wow, this is probably why people think therapy is terrifying. Heakarā-san is able to read him so well. He didn't even disclose that much about himself, or so he thought. At this rate, he won't have any secrets left.

Regardless, her words strike a chord with him and the knot that has built up in his chest begins to unravel. Maybe he has been falling back on his old All Might hero mindset, where he has to save the day with a smile and he can't be scared of anything. Does he really have to go into the bar to take down the League? Well, that remains to be seen.

"Though I guess there is one fear I'd like you to face." Heakarā-san adds.

Izuku looks up at her inquisitively. She gives him a knowing look.

"Have you talked with your mother yet?"

Oh. That.

"No." Izuku sighs. "I haven't."

"You need to." She presses. "If you think there is some sort of rift in your relationship, the only way to repair it, or even confirm if it's true, is to talk with her about it. You may even find that it's easily fixed."

"I know, and I will." Izuku states firmly. "I just don't know how. She's only barely got me back, and we've finally gotten a routine going again, I don't want to ruin that."

Heakarā-san nods, sympathetic. "You're scared."

Izuku smiles sadly. "I suppose." In truth, Izuku has many reasons to put off the conversation with his mother. The first is he doesn't know if he has the right to interfere in the relationship between other Izuku and his mother. Her worries stem from his disappearance, and Izuku hasn't resolved that yet. It feels wrong to tell her not to worry about him, when he's not really her son.

Secondly, he doesn't want to spin a web of lies around them. There are many things he can't tell her and if he trusts her with some things and lies about others, he's going to end up hurting her, and therefore himself. He doesn't want to uproot what they have, however fragile, just to rebuild it on a foundation of omissions and half-truths.

"You told me I can avoid something if I'm scared of it." Izuku points out, although he's only half joking.

Heakarā-san purses her lips, clearly not amused. "Just talk to her." She insists.

Izuku yawns, tired from more than lack of sleep. "Okay