A Gift of Broken Dreams for a Musician
[The world is at chaos, for new and the old ideals clash. In this world, hopes and sentiments have no place for a world that is intolerant for change. No matter the suffering or tragedy. To live is to endure a life worst than a criminal and to live is to wish a life like a criminal.] -A Scum Can Dream to Wish Peace for Twilight, by Roccan Reiss, 14th Stanza.
.....
After the Maza underground competition, Chiyou received the trophy and the monetary prize for winning against Erico Talia.
In that same prize, she also received an admission ticket for the Encore Pioneers Academy which at first was not part of the prize but Erico had put it anyway. No musician would deny entering the academy founded by the pioneers of the Musical Revolution and supported by big shots in Exrace and for a 40-year-old man like him, there's no use for this except giving it to the bright youths.
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[There couldn't be any place in the 4 cities that are blooming in revelry knowledge of music than Encore Pioneers Academy! With our cutting-edge Aether technology supported by Exrace and XZ labs, the students can enjoy unbelievable realism and efficiency! -in learning their own Aether Construct to improve their musical style!] -EP Academy commercial, 4/6/4074
[Step 1, get your admission ticket for 15,000 Corium, the ticket will be your chance for a scheduled test screening. Be fast! The slots are limited!
Step 2, the test will determine your musical knowledge with a written test, music style with a screening, and your Aether construction. You can skip the Aether construction test if you do not own an Aether Module.
Step 3, Pass the exam, remember that Encore Pioneer Academy has only a 32% Admission Rate. We have high standards for the students who truly show that they are willing to seek vast knowledge to improve not only their skills but themselves!] -EP Academy admission instruction post, 5/6/4075
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EP Academy focuses on teaching youths music from the core, styles, and of course, one of the leading institutions that produced the most unique Aether constructs and figures in the music industry.
.....
[You should sleep Chiyou, 3 days really? Are you insane?]
[Picture sent] [See more...]
[Yeah yeah, I get it already, I'm so happy, congratulations winning the trophy. I'm so happy. Are you done now?]
[You jealous? Come over then haha my treat!]
[Gracing me with your money? Pay the Aether outfit I gave you then.]
[Oh come on!]
[That's what I thought, now don't flex me your credit prize girl]
[Ay ay captain, I bought F4-Melatonin and F4-Caffeine tho]
[What!? You bought some fancy sleeping pills and fancy disgusting coffee pills for what?]
[Gimmick ofc. Imma sleep now gn!]
[Omfg you are such a....]
[Hello?]
[You're dead? Oh my god...]
[Good night]
6 days ago...
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Today 9:45
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[Yoho, you there Rei...? :D]
[What up... Need something?]
[Nothing... Just bored.]
[Social meds are down... :((]
[So you got tired looking at your trophy?]
[Picture sent] [See more...]
[.....]
[Do you like it?]
[Very funny. Very humorous, yes. Very clever.]
[Yup, I won that trophy last week and won against Erico Talia, can you believe that!]
[You're not funny.]
[Ouch... :`(]
[Just tell me what do you need?]
[Help me for the admission EP Academy]
[Expect that the school is going to delay the admission, probably because of the web and socials going down so we are going to wait but I will fix your documents required for the enrollment.]
[Yayy :D]
[What happened on the internet anyway? I'm too busy looking at my trophy.]
[Well, Starlium Gear's location has been revealed, and the government and the public are fighting for the information. They took down the internet and I don't know when it will come back so...]
[Focus on your practice and studies, we are going to the most prestigious academy in Stelaris where money-brains and geniuses exist.
[You already have a solid chance of being admitted with your achievements but that doesn't mean you're as talented as others who might be more genius than you.]
[I already know that... But I can't practice... She's here, she removed my noise-canceling device and installed a cam inside.]
[Well that sucks. Want my help?]
[Sure!]
[Alright.]
[Anyway going back to the Starlium Gear... I'm curious, should we join?]
[Join what?]
[I mean, the hunt. Looks thrilling, doesn't it? In the past years, people are really going through it!]
[No. Absolutely not. Just stay.]
[Why not? Don't you want to be a lucky guy whose wish will be fulfilled?]
[I know I'm a terminally online addict but even then, I have no intentions to venture that alone. You do know that if the true location of the Starlium Gear was revealed in the research they are piecing together, the whole 4 cities would fall into civil war to race against the others?]
[I've read the research document that everyone has gone crazy about, it is warning us to stay away from Starlium Gear because of some things that weren't explained, there are gaps in the research..]
[The research paper is incomplete due to deletion of the source so people don't know what's the danger. But most of them refuse to believe the danger said in the paper.]
[So don't bury your foot in here, Starlium Gear may be dangerous or not but the people who are going to find it are sure dangerous.]
[We can fight tho, and Starlium Gear is pretty much an artifact, there's a 50/50 chance the research is lying and research is telling the truth.]
[I don't want to bet then, they should discover the danger than us.]
[But you're definitely going.]
[Don't lie to me Rei.]
....
Chiyou is getting frustrated with Rei. This is not the first time at all that he keeps warning her yet that warning is not applicable if it's him instead. And that's what she hates about him.
If he keeps saying the dangers of Starlium Gear, then he's going as well. That's how he is on the things that have massive value to both of them but he is overly protective of her but does not care about himself.
She tensed her fingertips so that her nails clicked the table so hard that it was getting uncomfortable.
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[Reika, don't expect me to stay still if you're also endan|]
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[Send] [Erase]
.....
The conversation was interrupted by a loud banging on the door.
Chiyou's heart shook from both worry and fear yet also creeping annoyance. After all behind that door is someone who she wishes to not interact with.
"Chiyou! Get out of your room now!" The muffled voice behind her smooth white door sounded like it was being threatened to break.
Furrowing her brows and sticking her tongue, she did these antics to swell up her frustration yet her heart was already sinking, feet numbing. Chiyou stomps hastily but she's suffocating with a stomach-churning fear for the conversation she is going to expect.
She opens the door and sees a woman, her fierce attitude that betrays her cold beauty pierce through Chiyou's wavering eyes. She has the same white hair, the difference is her having tidy short curved hair. She is also wearing her office suit. A noticeable dark baggy eyes from stress yet is avidly wide in that unsolicited anger.
"What the hell is this!?"
A hologram appeared playing back a video livestream of her performance against Erico that night.
What Chiyou feared came true, her legs turned noodles and electricity was leaving her limbs. The burning anger cannot quell the cold sweats in her skin.
"You left your room in the middle of the night fooling me just to go to this stupid fucking concert! rocking like a crazy person!?" She raised her voice even more, and a wide-eyed expression straightened Chiyou.
"I tolerated your fucking weird hair and clothing since it's not even an implant but I told you to lay off with your guitar and those groups as you're wasting life on nothing but uselessness! You're hanging out with crazy bastards like them huh all alone by yourself? Have you got no shame!?"
"I HAVE SOMEONE ALRIGHT!" Chiyou raised her voice back, she snapped back trying to retort and obviously it was breaking.
"You're raising your voice...? You're raising your voice!? Is that what you've learned in your underground music of yours huh? To talk back to your aunt? Is that what you learned from that someone of yours huh!?"
"Just shut up will you! -and hear me! Why do you- keep talking- when you know nothing aunt-!" Chiyou's tears trickled, her frustration to berate her yet that subconscious respect halts her words. It blocks the true words she wanted to say.
It took all of her courage to fight back against her unreasonable mother but her trembling heart cannot bear to conquer this fear.
Hundreds of refutes, arguments and insults come across her mind yet she can't. She feels like she's going to bite her tongue, stuttering.
"Listen to you? You didn't even listen to me! How many times did I say to stop playing with that useless guitar and instead focus on finding an academy! You've been homeschooled your entire life and now you're going to prepare for the world of school yet you made friends with trash like them!? Causing troubles in the street? You want to be the one to get stabbed like the guy yesterday on the news!?"
"I'm studying! I've already found an academy and an admission ticket to it! You're just too much! Should I study for the whole day as if I need to prove others something?"
"You're not proving something! You must! You're about to become an adult! I worked so hard to achieve this high position just so you can enjoy -everything you're wasting right now! I want you to study so you can make a living by yourself and help me out with all the burdens I've carried just so you can live a better life!"
"Well!? You're not making me live a better life! I feel suffocated here with all of your ridiculous anti-implants, you've never given me privacy nor allowed me to experience the world! Then you're getting mad when I'm trying because it is not the safe space you consider to be!? Do you think I'm enjoying my life living like thi-"
A loud reverb of slap causes an immediate silence between that moment. Her aunt was the first to break it.
"Enjoy your life when you can support your living! Don't talk to me about all of your excuses! You're even thinking of implants? What compelled you to allow implants to spy on our households? They're controlling you now huh? -that you want a disgusting metal on your flesh? Huh maybe that's what's happening right now! This all-bullshit music is just another propaganda of theirs to convince young fools like you to be something cool or tough! Well you're not! Don't you fucking dare to answer me again!"
"I.. I- I didn't- even say... that..." Chiyou's heart can no longer bear the broken cup, her tears completely stream, her face and ears are burning, and anger is still within yet hopelessness envelopes her.
"Excuses, that's what you get for fooling around! I'll be taking that guitar and throwing that to the trash."
"No auntie...! Please don't!"
"No no no, you're a tough girl right? You can support yourself to go outside in the middle of the night to some sketchy places right? Well let's see let's see." Her aunt had already set her mind. She's stoic yet her voice remains high.
'As if you ever let me out! You only take me out to get to your friends you hypocrite!' Yet she can't voice it out. Even her jaws are shivering.
"Give me that glove, all this music bullshit, now the internet is banned because of all of your crying for that Starlium Gear. Bullshit Starlium Gear that you think causing pain in the streets with all of your obnoxious noise in the road fucking up traffics worse than before because of the police! -blocking the street just to get off beggars like you who can't employ themselves!"
"No-"
It's already too late, Chiyou's aunt violently grabbed her hands, stripped the glove, and clicked on her messages. No matter how much she struggled, she felt like she was not strong enough, she couldn't even grip properly.
Even though she wants to push her to the ground, there's something that just refuses. Is it her respect? Or her lingering love? She refuses to believe that is the reason. It definitely has to be fear. Yes, it's just her fear telling her.
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[We can fight tho, and Starlium Gear is pretty much an artifact, there's a 50/50 chance the research is lying and the research is saying truth.]
[I don't want to bet then, they should discover the danger than us.]
[But you're definitely going.]
[Don't lie to me.]
[I'm not, trust me. So don't go either.]
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Reika, don't expect me to stay still if you're also endan|
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[Send]
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"So it's him that brought you all this influence, he's the one who brought you to all this underground business! And this bullshit internet trend! You absolute fool! Do you think he cares about you? He's just using you!"
She looked back at Chiyou fixated to the text and on her to emphasize her words.
"He's just using you you foolish gullible girl!"
Her aunt continued to scroll through their conversations and the contempt face only grew.
"You're trusting that boy!? Is he the one that drags you with all of this weird shit? Including this slutty behavior of yours!?"
She glanced at Chiyou's guitar and without hesitation, marched forward undeterred by the begging. Her eyes are already bloodshot cold.
"You're a girl and you decided all of this manly act of yours! Are you even a girl! Act like one! What the hell is all th- Fuck! You're pissing me off with that hair of yours!"
"Aunt, no... please stop, I'm sorry!"
Wailing in desperation, Chiyou held his aunt's hands gently but unfortunately, it didn't stop her aunt and received a violent push instead.
As her aunt approached the wall, she saw the glimmering glass of trophy she won that night. The feeling of that summer feels the ethereal magic of that memorable night, in her wish to be treasured now broken to pieces. Imagining it again right now has turned it into a meaningless memory.
Why did she even do that? There's nothing notable or even a good thing that happened there? She can only remember how weak she is not being able to follow Talia at all. He's probably laughing. Probably pitying her to even give her that admission ticket as a bonus prize. He's mocking her.
Disgust and a pulse of violence sweep over her aunt that she exaggeratedly sweeps Chiyou's table where the trophy is resting and sends it flying to the wall and breaking it to pieces.
Chiyou watches the trophy shatter. The trophy she prepared for weeks to win. The trophy that she won out of impressing and moving people's hearts. The trophy that contained the electrifying dances of joy.
What she worked hard for, yet in vain effortlessly. Her mind discarded those feats and emotion as invalid in an instant as well. It was useless and she wasted her time. That's what she did.
With the guitar in her aunt's hands, she smashed it to the wall, its body bulged and the components inside spilled brutally.
"This useless thing you're doing!-"
Then it was slammed to the ground.
"You will no longer use this!"
The guitar snapped in half, the strings are the only one that supports each half.
"I will rip that hair of yours I promise you! Wait for me later and I'll cut you bald and walk outside! You ingrate, useless thing!"
The heart stops and the world dulled to stillness.
Useless thing... The word lingered.
At first it was fear and pity, then it was regret and blaming... She was ashamed, angry yet cannot bring to say something. She was held back by her fear and that other inexplicable feeling.
But that word sends her absolutely livid. Her whole stomach and ears, heart pumping, burning. This anger that thawed earlier has erupted. This is the trigger she murmured. The more she did it, the more she can feel herself exploding.
"Useless thing... USELESS THING!"
She stood up with enthusiastic fury and grabbed her lifeless guitar.
"USELESS THING!? Y- YOU'RE-"
She is shaking in anger. Things can still be explained with reason but everything breaks in the face of overwhelming frenzy. She can't think of anything that would justify why she isn't useless. It is just an insult, not a fact yet Chiyou couldn't care less.
And because she can't explain why she isn't useless only reinforced her to spiral in wrath. Her saliva thickens up, choking from all of the words her lungs wanted to blast yet missing in her mouth.
"YOU FUCKING BITCH! WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU CAN'T AFFORD ANYTHING NOT EVEN A PARTNER SO YOU TOOK ME FROM MY EVEN MORE USELESS MOTHER OF MINE WHO YOU CAN'T SURPASS!
This time, her aunt was the one in shock.
"THIS IS THE ONLY FUCKING THING YOU CAN BOAST TO HER FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF ME! BUT YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING GREAT? YOU'RE TREATING ME LIKE A FUCKING INVESTMENT AND A REVENGE FROM YOUR JEALOUSY! LOOK AT HER! DO YOU THINK SHE CARED ABOUT YOU? WHEN SHE CAN'T EVEN VISIT HER DAUGHTER EVEN IN SPECIAL OCCURRENCE!?"
She's not even done, a euphoric cholera of sadistic smiles overwhelms her face.
"Don't think she cared about you, pathetic ignorant. You'll never reach her achievements. You're trying to get her by trying to be a good provider that she can't despite her riches? Yet you're treating me shit despite your promise to her? You think you've done something homeschooling and feeding me? You feel proud of yourself?" Her voice had already calmed down. Just that there's that mocking tone inside her, in glee watching her aunt getting more and more furious standing frozen.
"You bought me from her because you can't find a husband that can't fucking satiate your greed and instead gamble me like fucking investment to prove that you're a better parent than her but no you're not. Don't fucking fool yourself." She escaped a chuckle from her dead eyes.
"You shut UP-" She tried to raise her arms again and Chiyou had instinctively avoided it. The shaking in her eyes returned, her jolt from that intended slap reawakened her fear.
In strides, she walks away to her room, she's coughing already and threatens to puke. If she stays here any longer, she feels like she's not going to survive anymore.
"Where are you going! Where are you going-"
"None of your business! Be miserable like you always are! Suffer from your inferiority and slave work like you deserve! That's the only thing your life could ever reach and I hope you remain like that!" Her voice at this point sounded like a tantrum of a losing kid different from earlier.
Chiyou coughs violently, she can feel her nausea, her knees weak and shivering jaw, there's still fear but her adrenaline fuels her to march towards the exit of their building.
"Run away, don't ever come back! Go to your boyfriend, you trust him right!? Yeah, go! If you fucking comeback crawling I'll kill you personally!"
The fading voice concluded with the slam of the door.
...
Riding the elevator, she leaned to the wall, closed eyes in tears, sniffing in shivers.
There's still a lot to say. There are still a whole lot of insults to say. Her hypocrisy, materialistic, greed and ignorance. She had hoped to herself that maybe she's already clever and rational enough that maybe she can use that to hurt her even more with better words to descriptively insult her.
Maybe if she was cold and indifferent like that one moment she snapped, maybe she couldn't have given her aunt the confidence like this from all those years in treating her. She knows that her aunt's satisfaction creeps up in seeing her miserable and submissive.
Even in her thoughts she no longer wants to call her aunt. Disgust and the lingering nausea. The lingering guilt of the ingrained breaking filial values and anger of mistreated clash inside her. She can't help but hold her broken guitar tightly.
Her feelings about the memories of that night remained like a waste to her. There's something in that moment when her trophy was smashed where she almost gave up everything that she worked hard for music. That dangerous cathartic feeling she doesn't want to yet even until now, she knows she doesn't want to give up but this empty emotion makes her feel like she's lying.
....
....
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.....
[We can fight tho, and Starlium Gear is pretty much an artifact, there's a 50/50 chance the research is lying and research is saying truth.]
[I don't want to bet then, It's better for them to discover the danger than us.]
[But you're definitely going.]
[Don't lie to me.]
[I'm not, trust me so don't go either.]
.....
[You piece of fuck! You're the bad influence why she's become like this! You think you will get away with this? I'll get you both, I work for the Vortex Security Company and I'll have your location soon and you better not do anything! I'll fucking imprison you for all this bullshit things you've brought her!]
[Who are you?]
[Oh....]
[Stfu, you're just an invoice supervisor, you don't know shit.]
[The recipient blocked you]
[Recipient did not exist.]
[There's no use of fucking blocking me! I'll jail you whatever happens!]
[System: You are texting over a non-existent conversation]
[System... Bug , issue will be addressed, please wait...]
....
....
As she wandered around the streets, she glanced at the sky, reminiscing the past glories. Her guitar's memory, the night of that trophy, all the skyscraper scalings and jams she did with Reika. All of it is slowly being dragged to that "uneventful and waste of time" but she knows that that's not true. She can't understand why she's thinking like this but is too exhausted to think for a reason. There's no need to reason what her mind is telling her.
Sadness perished and is replaced by detachment, the bad catharsis. Like an undead walking and passing the million crowds in the street, perishing in the sea of people.
She walked endlessly crossing over districts by districts, street by street and crossing the borders to go over Mugen City. She looks over their eastern neon entertainment, their vertical logos and screens, their own varied aero, percussions and tremolo hybrids of oriental yet modern dances and songs and there's no stimuli to join them. Pity and help was shown to her yet she refused all of them by saying nothing. Walking at and staring at the roads unattentive at anything, ignoring the loud blares of shows in every corners of structures.
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[You know, as painful as it is, the reality for most musicians are bitter, especially the young folks I'll tell you what. We always put Musical Revolution and the 13 pioneers in high pedestal like they deserve so, but for most who wish to participate, it's impact on their lives are as inspiring as the story that Musical Revolution is creating in our history nor as gallant as the 13 pioneers who spearheaded the revolution.]
[I think I get it. We have a lot of problems in our society and the Revolution definitely attracted all of it.]
[Yeah- exactly! You know Encore Pioneers Academy right? Yeah right- so... This school has a very strict admission rates to ensure quality of students yet can be easily bypassed by the rich folks even if some of our pioneers there work and support the school. See? Despite the effect of the revolution, our pioneers that we look up still can't escape their environment no matter how much they shine in the eyes of the people.]
[*Sigh... Yeah...]
[See? The privileged can skip the hard work part, the hidden younglings out there who has potential remained hidden because the opportunities are stolen to them.]
[Yeah, but hey- you also need to consider the kids who also lose track of what the revolution is. The kids who just party and play for the sake of it and lost to the bad influences.]
[I mean, you already explained it added, those teens are in their rebellious age. Those who are inspired by music, lying and fooling their parents to go to their bands and groups to have fun. I mean I do not blame them but their parents will worry about them.]
[Hahaha! To be honest really, our generation is pretty fucked up! Many of our generations had become conservatives with how much censorship and enforcements applied to our era compare to the freedom we have today! I'm gonna admit I am also affected deep inside, none of us escaped that mentality because it was the ideals implanted and we followed. You think some of us actually worried about their child?]
[Damn... You kinda have a point hahahahaha! I mean, it's definitely not a zero chance but yeah... Unfortunately some of those parents just do not want their child associating in this "rebellion" since it's defiance to the government. They've feared and know the capabilities of those corpos and laws after all so they don't want any involvement that would mess up their lives again, especially in this times where jobs for those corporates are in even highly needed nowadays, they probably think they'll be at risk of losing job if someone they know are associated with this revolution.]
[.... Majority of our generation are still afraid and that's the sad thing. They are suffering from the authorities yet they will tolerate hat as long as they obey silently, they don't want to think what was wrong in their surroundings since they'll only get in danger and that's the idea they want their child to know to. It is better to comply than to resist.]..... -The Ronald Matt Cast Session ft. Dave Guerre, 9/17/4076
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....
As pitiable and broken as the guitar she is. Avoidance and judgemental eyes soon followed from her mess, the imaginary judgemental and rebuttal dialogues occupied her enough to go back in Stelaris again tolerating that midday hunger.
At last, Chiyou embraced her legs and sat in resignation in an abandoned tunnel filled with luminous graffiti. Lost in thought, devoid of senses and alone.
From the sleeping maroon sun blanketed by clouds and the coming of ocean blue sky. From the neon signs and gleam of the sun, there she curls like a rock waiting for nothing but time to move her.