6. Too many Broken hearts.

After my recovery, I continued my work, as normally, we did missions and saved people and lost people at some point. Nothing was too hard or too impossible for us. Even Colin came with us now to some gigs, but it was not so easy as he wanted to start to heal and help when we needed to move and get everyone to safety. 

We got from time to time a few Sarks to be tortured and he got to be killer instead of healer. He got quite a lot of information out of them too. It was important to let him unload his dark side as well. 

Time after time I got caught, with tragic consequences too, and lost many teams, but it was just the risk we had to take. When it came to that point when they saw they weren't gonna survive, well some of them blamed me, telling to me not talk to their relatives. While others thanked me for this glorious ride that we had had together. They were ready, and they had no regrets. Just like Jake had been, no regrets, and few of them wanted to go like this.

One guy, he was my trustee almost; he had to watch his wife succumbing young Alzheimer, her family been Conservative and not let her get euthanasia even she had wanted it, and they would had money, no, he had witnessed her slow deterioration into vegetable and still it took 18 months, four pneumonias until she died. 

But it didn't make it any easier or nicer to know that a few times I literally killed my team. I was helpless to do anything, anything but to see my friends die because of me. Twice I had drain everyone, to get blood, purify myself and let them go same time. And then when I got out, I was messed up with rage, pain, confusion, and regrets and I usually ended up in one safe house to rest for a bit before getting to call for some help.

Colin was not impressed with me because it would have been easier to treat if I had called immediately, but my rage burned so brightly that it was not safe for anyone to be near me at that time. My rage evolved, it got messed up with my emotions and it got colors, and strengths too.

I evolved almost too. I got true telekinesis; I was not sure if was it just my willpower or had gotten a new talent for myself, but as one comic once said, the mind is like a muscle; it has to be used to get stronger, so I used my mind. I did everything that I could to get stronger. I had to be stronger, faster, better, crueler at times, too.

Time went by, missions followed, and I worked for the hospital and in my clinic, too. I had upgraded my clinic, got a bigger space, and more doctors in there. If only I would have been a doctor, my life would have been easier, but no- being leader once again, worldwide organization brings its own set of troubles. But my work as a leader had a nasty way of throwing troubles in my way. One of these was a real blast from the past. 

I was yet again in one cave. Some government assassin hunted me again, platinum bullets, no poison, but I had two of them in my gut. He got me and killed me like I had meant him ever nothing; he had been once one man who had worked for me. He had been almost my second in command and he blamed me right about everything that had messed up in his life, and he killed me. I said nothing when I once again asked for extraction. I had used to keep secrets, and this was just one of them.

It was not the only thing that haunted my past, Magnum and Murdock, even Wulfe had learned to let me do missions on my own and they might travel all over America or even go the Europe if there was the need for help. Wulfe lead his own team quite a few missions already. My little boy was all grown up.

I had been captured for weeks, months even, and I was in rough shape as I sat outside of the now burning house. I had called Colin to come and pick me up. When I saw him driving to the yard, one glance at me, he took a blanket, wrapped me in it, led me to the car, strapped me, and drove the base. He did not say anything. My rage was blasted out in the open, but I kept myself not lashing out. 

He took care of my wounds and my multiple damages. He recognized them all too well. He had seen them in my body before. He had managed to put me under as he amputated my fingers and toes, and made quite extensive surgery on me.

I told him when I woke up; he recorded every injury to my medical files, but he made it so that in my public file, there were reductions. Not everything was shown, not at least. Just in case someone else reads my files, so no one should learn the true extent of my injuries unless I permit them. He did not want anyone in fleas even to know. There was still a chance that someone would recognize those types of injuries. 

I did not pay much attention to how many years I had done this already, too long, at least it felt sometimes. I felt so soulless even my rage was not out in the open. I did not know how to feel. But then again, when we saved over 300 people from Sark and Krycheck, it was worth it. I was once again driving on one liberation gig. I had done this for over four years. Probably nearly five years now.

I went in. It was some setup, patient beds, and poor humans or creatures tortured till the end, but what was nasty was that about these 80 people, at least 30 had been in a few years earlier in one liberation. So they had somehow wakened these poor souls back to life. I remembered it had been a hot gig, and I didn't get to blow that up. I had just scampered out there and escaped as a jaguar. 

I needed to get a solution to this so that no one could resuscitate these. I went by to one room where I had seen chemicals. Nitric acid would do. I took from another room a packet full of syringes and filled about 80 syringes full of nitric acid. Then I went to liberate, and now, after the liberation, I thrust the syringe through their ear, into their brain, and inject the acid there. Destroying their brain. I needed to make some solutions to this for next time. I was angry with myself. I felt mostly negative emotions and that lead to yet another type of rage being born. Dark blue with glitter. Rage with emotions. 

After letting everyone go and making sure that no one could wake up anymore, I collected everything, drugs, and whatnot that was important. Then I got back into the base. First up, I put files about me in my safe so I could read them through at some point. I tried to come up with solutions. We had quite many implant guns. Now I needed just the right implants. We had a machine that made implants. And from time to time someone might do some implants ever was needed.

So I took some strong acid. We had quite a lot of chemicals in the base too; I made myself acid implants for liberation gigs. now it would take just two implants in the brain. I took the remote with me and loaded a hell of a lot of those implants into my safe. They would be ready for the next time liberation would be needed. It was soon time to again go to the hospital to work as a surgeon too. Balance of life. You kill someone or bunch of someones and in the next moment you are saving with your utmost effort someone's life. 

Everything was perfect. Pack had come back, they had wanted me back, Damon had been so sorry, and I had let them take me back. They had gotten to know to Wulfe too, and my life was once again happy. We had been in the pack now for a few months. I was in good shape. Even though it had been a little adjusting, it had been the best time of my life. Damon had taken me, only me, to tour across Europe. He had taken me again to bungee jump like he had in the past when he had tried to teach me to be afraid. We had just returned we had eaten. I was tired, and I was wandering to my bedroom.

Charles followed me. He said to me, "Honey, I am so sorry. I am never gonna lose you. You need to sleep and I will come next to you, and you get to sleep in my arms. I will keep you safe." 

He took his upper body bare. He had just his boxers as he came to bed. I went to him. I had my favorite nightgown on; he took me against him. I could hear his heartbeat and feel his firm, hot body against me. His strong arms keeping me next to him. I smelled his apple, and I was safe. Everything was fine, and I was safe. I fall asleep feeling fully safe. 

I woke up in my bed, alone. I sighed, and leaned my hand, knowing that an empty bed would be all that I could find. I cursed for my weakness. Need to sleep. It felt so damn bad to wake up. After that perfect life. I got up. My hands were shaking, my heart was almost bursting out of my chest, this pain, this was again too much, I could not take this. I took my phone and sent a message to Magnum that I was not coming in in a few days, nor did I go to the hospital. He acknowledged it. 

These episodes, as I called them, they threatened to crush me so fully. They happened when I fell asleep. In my sleep, everything was perfect. The pack had taken me back. I was loved; I was safe, and I felt safe often. Even in my sleep, I fell asleep next to Charles, Adam, the boys, or even Damon.

And then this awakening. I got myself stopping crying, got up, dressed in some clothes, got into the kitchen, and took something that was not good for me, like cream puffs, sweet buns, pies, and Jaffa, or Palma. I went to the living room, into the dark, and ate. It took several days, for me to stuff myself full of shit, drink whatever and get over it, bury those feelings of love, belonging, and safety deep into my soul somewhere in my scarred mind so they would cause any more trouble for me. 

It was not good for my health but I needed to feel something, even nice flavors in my mouth, knowing that I should not eat this but I ate it anyway. Drinking was not an option, I chuckled darkly, eating was. 

Then it was business as usual. It only strengthened my need to not sleep. I used everything I had to make myself not sleep. Colin did not ask any questions while he had tried to suggest that sleep might do me good. I had looked at him very dangerously, not said anything, but walked away. I told no one about my episodes, not much anyway. They knew me well enough not to pry. 

My life was what it was. There was no greater destiny for me than that I make out for myself. No bigger meaning to my not-so-wonderful life. But I survived, like always. I was not anymore vengeful, but I protected my ex-pack, as they were blissfully unaware of all the threats and enemies that were after them.

No need to ruin their perfect life when I can do this. I had fleas to come up with threat reports, about what threats were for the pack and I had myself my reports too. Magnum and his allies or Murdock, took care of most of them.

I was sitting at my desk. I had now gone through a recent threat report for the pack and I had worked on this for four hours, gotten all the 45 biggest problems solved. Most involved Adam, Charles and boys as they had worked with good sarks, there were few for Mariella and Damon as well. There were always envious witches or vampire broad trying to get Mariella out of the way. 

I had my hands full as my days were busy with being a surgeon; I had won a few awards, but I had not gone to pick them up at the gala. Too big a risk, and besides, I didn't really feel that I deserved them. My patients died, and not everybody survived, not in the least.

I was not envious of my ex-pack. no use, my life being busy, I had my work; I had to save, to liberate, to kill, and to lose, too. Even though it was hard, heart-wrenching, and awful at times, it was my life and I had learned from it. I did not miss my old life as I was no more that creature anymore. I was not sure what I had missed, had I lost part of my soul, or had just been tortured after torture broken me so badly that I felt like a shell at times. 

I was lethal, efficient, firm, and did always what I had to. I had my dark times, and better times when once Wulfe and Magnum argued about different beers, dark or light, which one is better. So we did a little tasting.

I was no beer lover, but as a team; I took part in it, as did Colin and a few others. Well, some humans got pretty wasted. I learned to taste different flavors better and was not sure what was better, but I was more dark than light. Magnum, Colin, and Wulfe ended up in a cheerful mood when it came to tasting supernatural beers. Those went into their head, and I had singing men. I let them have fun as I retreated into my office to do some work before heading to the hospital again.

I got a few serenades, Magnum sang to me from Kiss: I was made loving you and Wulfe sang Roxette: It must have been love. He was not a poor singer. 

I looked at my roster too. There were several gigs and a few sheds had been found. Yummy, those were nice to destroy. And bonus if there would be any sarks there for me to kill. I was also on call from the hospital for the next two weeks, so I needed to see what missions I could take part in, as I might be needed in the hospital too.

It was not easy to go on missions and be on call same time. So I had to skip quite a few missions. If I were on call, there was always work to be done. 

Magnum had marked leave for himself for six weeks, meaning I got the boys to keep me safe at the hospital. Jake's and Rob's sons were my bodyguards, too. Wulfe would be busy as Dresden and Constantine had become friends with him and they had an enormous pile of very nasty black witches and demons to be destroyed.

I looked at Wulfe as he was drunk, and sang with a few guys and I felt almost maternal towards him. Somehow, as he was very protective of me, so was I for him. I wanted him to be safe, have friends, and not burn himself into nothing. Wulfe was way older than Damon, but he had still this aura of innocence. Even he had been a vampire, had killed and a lot, he had not lost this respect for life. He did not see humans as meals but persons and in a few scouting missions; he got stuck as he had a talk with humans, ask questions for them.

I had not told Alaric what liberations or shed destructions were all about, as he was sensitive. He was most human that I knew, well technically he was human but lives forever and it changes something, but he had kept his humanity. He would burn himself too, so I had compelled him not to ask questions about my missions if I needed to go alone somewhere. I saved and protected everyone around me like I always did.

Nothing was too much, and I needed to keep these as safe as possible because end of the day, I would take the hit when these couldn't just because I could. It would be my hit to take. I was the freaking strongest creature in the universe.

Nick and Elias had kept in contact with me from time to time. I had still problems with Cole and Freya, so we weren't on the best of terms. Nick tried a few times to let Freya prove her worth to me, and when I refused, he berated me and told me to piss off, that I was a heartless bitch. He also tried to make me renew his status as my relative back, but no, as he was part of a salvatore family and I had nothing to do with it. He shouted at me, that I had taken Wulfe into my inner circle and not them. Just a few mistakes in the past. When I told him or reminded him of those several times when he had done something to me, or Freya, he usually stopped the phone call and did not call back in a few months or so.

My life was not about routine. There was no time for routine. No days were the same as before, and there was always something. Liberations, shed destructions, or then I was captured, and tortured, and after a while I snapped, blew my rage open, and ripped everyone apart with my bare hands, being an efficient soulless killing machine too.

I was good at hiding my condition from Colin, and I learned also to hide a few times bullets that hit me so he didn't feel them in me. No need for surgery as my days were full. There was little time for me to sit behind the desk and do just the paperwork. No no, I was on the field, or in the hospital in my clinic, too.

I learned to use my time very efficiently, maximizing all the time that I had in my hands. So then there would not be any time to think how long ago I had last time felt someone to keep me close or touch me, love me. I did not live anymore in the past. I had this time. What I had to do right now, I was super focused, and I got stronger, day after day. Experience after experience. My shell hardened, and my soul went into hiding more and more. 

I was a whole different creature, warped by this time, hardened by my losses and also healed by the love of my friends. Even this was a dark time, lonely time. I was not alone, not really at all. And friendship with Wulfe it was something that I had never believed to have. To find someone like me, outcast, too strong for others, feared, unstable, and we understood each other, on some level that others did not get us.

I was as naughty when I got sick and once I was in throes of pretty nasty infection when Jarod and Miss parker were in base. Let's just say that Jarod actually tied me to my chair. He was not very patient caregiver and Miss parker had some powerful drugs, meaning I was knocked out most of the time if she saw I was moving too much. Colin was very impressed by these two. I was less impressed as my paperwork got backlogged.