3. Wake Me Up When September Ends.

Damon's thoughts echoed in the room, his apprehension palpable. The weight of Mimi's words lingered, filling the space with uncertainty. As the leader of the pack, he understood the gravity of the situation. Mimi had suppressed her hormones, dampening her desire to breed. Seeking Mariella's guidance, Damon voiced his concerns, his voice filled with urgency.

"Darling, what do we do about Mimi now? You heard her. Miss has tampered with her hormones, draining her flank organs. I've tested it, but haven't revealed anything yet. She's been hidden away, like a secret holiday destination from the past. Another concealed island. I'm at a loss, unsure of our next move as a pack. But one thing is certain - this girl won't go into heat or reproduce. That alone won't bind us together."

Nervousness gripped Damon, his anxiety visible. Mariella, attuned to his emotions, grasped the weight of Mimi's transformation. Yet, the direction of this change remained elusive. The lady's peculiar actions only added to the complexity. Just when the action seemed necessary, she managed to push Damon away, and perhaps Charles as well. However, Mimi's journey was also unfolding, requiring time for her to unravel the truth.

Mimi had been in the pack for a week now, and she and Charles had exchanged some words. After their conversation, Charles retreated to the kitchen, the sound of sizzling pans filling the air, as he immersed himself in cooking, distancing himself from everyone else.

Damon, burdened by the weight of Mimi's words, had poured out his frustrations, his voice filled with disappointment and regret. It had taken great effort for Mariella to coax him into opening up about his feelings. Mariela, consumed by curiosity, knew it was not her place to pry, but her inquisitiveness got the better of her.

Determined to find out the truth, she declared to Damon, "I'll seek out Mimi and have a conversation with her. Maybe I can gather some insight and figure out what to do next. This whole situation is a complete mess."

Damon grunted, the weight of his imperfect life pressing on his shoulders. He could feel the emptiness in his soul, a tangible loss. He yearned for Mimi's presence, fully aware of the consequences of his actions and the responsibility he held. It was a hard lesson for him to learn. 

I had been a part of the pack for a week, my presence acknowledged by the nourishment I had consumed. Yet, my flank organ remained empty, devoid of sedatives. No one held dominion over me, for Damon had swiftly retreated to Mariella's side.

Charles and I had engaged in a conversation, where I candidly explained the purpose behind concealing those freezers. I clarified that I did not desire their dismantling, not yet, and that he should not even contemplate such an action. I spoke frankly, devoid of any sugarcoating, presenting only the unadorned facts of life, imparting lessons for him to ponder before acting, urging him to seek understanding for my actions.

I emphasized he did not truly know me, as he had failed to consider the valid reasons behind my actions. Now, I yearned for solitude, to discern if this environment provided a sense of safety or not. There was no need to rush; if the pack was consumed by passion, it mattered little to me. My current state of mind did not lend itself to such pursuits.

I lived my life, striving to remember to react, though it proved challenging, as I frequently found myself seeking seclusion within my room, indulging in my own pursuits. It was just another aspect of my existence, a means of avoiding confrontation, creating a space solely for myself, devoid of conflict.

As I lay in bed, Mariella entered the room. I raised my gaze as the door swung open, observing her as she stepped inside, taking in the evidence of my personal touch on the space. The television played in the background, emitting the soft hum of a movie. I promptly shut it off as she drew nearer, her expression tinged with trepidation.

Her eyes met mine, and she spoke hesitantly, "Hello, can we have a little chat? So many things have befallen you, things that should not have, and there are consequences for all."

Her voice betrayed a hint of unease, a recognition of the alpha within me, intruding upon what she perceived as my domain. I consciously reigned in my power, allowing it to retreat into the depths, to ease any fear she may harbor towards me. I sighed and rose from the bed, assuming a more attentive posture.

Mariella closed the door behind her and settled beside me. Her gaze roamed the room, taking in the sight of my pink, frilly satin bedspread and the deep crimson silk curtains. The pale violet, long tufted soft rugs completed the scene. This was my room, and the bed was spacious, offering ample room for both of us. 

She said, " What were you and Charles talking about? When he's just in the kitchen making food and not talking to anyone. He was almost sulking or something, and I had not seen him ever like that. "

I glanced at Mariella, a small smile forming on my lips, before uttering, "I was just instructing Charles. It was my turn to do so. I emphasized the importance of asking questions and reflecting on the past. You see, he punished me for concealing freezers. Those freezers contained a collection of meat, which I used to prepare meals. However, the Lord seemed to perceive it as a deliberate act of hiding them from the rest of the group."

My voice maintained a steady tone, yet a trace of irritation seeped through.

Continuing my explanation, I noticed a frown on Mariella's face. "It wasn't like that. I had kept the freezers hidden for a span of seven years. I lacked any form of safety measure, such as a security alarm, in my house. And there are always thieves lurking about. I didn't want them to lay their hands on my precious meats or valuables. That's why I concealed them. Besides, I had a staggering number of houses, approximately three hundred and fifty-eight. Taking down the protection on each one was a time-consuming task. Moreover, I must admit, I am a bit lazy."

My voice carried a hint of weariness, but that was my rationale behind hiding the freezers. Naturally, I enjoyed having a diverse range of meats to cook with, but my actions were driven by the necessity to ensure my own sustenance. I turned my gaze back to Mariella, noticing her unwavering attention.

Encouraged by this, I decided to divulge what Charles had done to me. "And Charles took it as a personal affront. Do you have any idea what he subjected me to? Before even questioning me about the contents of that house, he inflicted a minute or sixty seconds, of agonizing pain. There was a clock on the wall. And, he rarely believed my words. That's why it took a whole week."

Her expression bordered on shock, yet I pressed on, divulging a bit more. "Ninety seconds after that excruciating pain, I was forced to divulge what he wanted to know. Just ninety seconds. It's astonishingly brief when someone strikes your trigeminal nerve with such intensity that your head feels as though it will explode. That's why he cooks, to distract himself from the realization of his own idiocy."

She was silent, and I saw her eyes flashing briefly white as she looked in the past, well there is proof that she had had any doubt about my statement, "And I haven't even forgiven the whole thing properly yet. When I don't have to give and put up with everything all the time. Look, Mariella, I have this new outlook on life. I'm reacting. I'm reacting properly. That's something to be prepared for. It is difficult for me or anyone around me, but I am trying to change and it is a tremendous change for everyone as my reactions won't be mild. I have no way to predict my reactions, so beware."

Mariella was silent for a moment and said, " Oh, that bad, well I can tell you that Charles was full of black goop, and it took a lot of really strong drugs to get him to bite it off, and there's still some leftover."

I looked at Mariella momentarily and said, " It's good to have the pack members taken care of. But I'm a pack member, too. That I'm not allowed to unload—that's not good at all. Now I have no one to unload with. The boys—well, yeah, they can help in that final stage, but they will not be my dominators. I don't want Damon now. I really don't, no matter how long it takes. I have no idea if any other Salvatore could do me, and I do not want to take the risk of blowing up in my face as it makes things and holding on to my pathos only worse."

She was silent, thinking things in her mind. I pondered out loud almost. She was listening to me all the time.

"Adam, I don't think he can manage and control himself because I am very strong and very wild. So, I have to hold all my pathos inside me again. And I don't know how long I'm going to have to do that. I just can't get my head around the fact that it's going to be anything at all."

My voice was now more quiet as I tried to find words to explain my feelings that were part of my unloading.

"I can't get myself in the right frame of mind to let Charles or Damon attack me. To break free, in a way, where you have to break free. It's very hard to explain when it's my thing. The way I always do it, it's difficult to translate it into words. I have this vortex inside me. It is part of me and it tells me it is time to unload. But when I can't, it makes me frustrated and I know I need my unloading to go as it is supposed to go and there is no room for compromises, as it is very important to do as it should be done. And then, when I try to explain this, it sounds probably quite stupid. So you're thinking that I'm some nutcase who doesn't want to trust men? But I am what I am and can't help myself or my neuroses."

My voice was tinged with frustration and I knew that my explanation had not been clear enough to Mariella to understand this whole notion of me unloading. 

Mariella looked at me for a moment and said, " True what you said. You were the underdog again, and others came before you, but why have you driven your hormones down? You will not get heat or reproduce, and you don't want to? Wouldn't that be the very thing that would bring the pack together?"

I sighed, wondering why I had to explain these obvious things to the whole pack. But fine, I could talk and talk a lot. I was tired of telling these plain things that had been part of my existence in this pack for so long a time. When they just did not see them. 

I looked at Mariella and said, " What do you think? How many good reproductions have I had? Even before that, seven years. How many times have I had a male or a mate, which helps? The entire pack has been supportive. How many? The entire pack, the wolves, and I always support you. It's always me, and I am being told, not so many words but actions, that you're on your own. It doesn't make me any more part of the pack. What about the Heat of the moment, then? Fine. Then I'm with Adam, Charles, Demon, or Lepard."

She frowned as she reeled things in her mind. It was obvious that she had not thought about this from my perspective at all. 

I continued, trying to get my point across for once. "Damon touches me, or he doesn't. He's a very, very jealous alpha male, and he might rub me clean and breed me. He is not a loving husband or a supportive partner. He is a pack leader, an alpha male. It's a heat for it, then. Pregnancy time? No, hey, come on, you are pregnant. That's when the pack leader takes care of you and the wolves."

My voice carried on as my explanation got Mariella confused.

I could see it from her gaze as she saw things from my point of view. "I am a strong alpha female. I've been by myself, the lone wolf in the pack, blah blah blah. I'll always be fine. I'll make my room, and then Damon might do a little tinkering. With any luck, I'll give birth myself. Or a Salvatore might back me up if he's not taking care of you or the wolves. Suppose Damon lets them back me up."

She was still silent and looked at me like this was something wholly new to her. My story went on, not a story but facts that would be part of the breeding.

"Then, it depends on the Lord's mood. Do we keep the puppies or not? Do they go straight to the magic house? That I'm in a nursing mood doesn't mean shit to Damon. Nothing at all. Because it's up to the whims of the Lord who's doing what and who's doing what. For how long? I'm a strong fucking alpha female, and once I'm bred, I have my instincts. And those instincts are powerful. They're damn hard to control, and then Damon's in the mood not to take care of the babies. It's difficult for me. And while I don't want to blow up about it, if I try to keep this new promise to myself that I will react and always, then it becomes a war. Are you ready for that? Is Damon ready for that? Is this pack ready for that?"

Mariella thought for a moment and said, " Yeah, but playing with hormones can take its toll on your health. You should try to get yourself into some kind of balance with things and don't put too many expectations on yourself. It's not worth it. It will not do any good for anyone. You trust that we are changing too and not to hang in the past. Things can be different and they will be different. "

I looked at Mariella and said when I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. She had this trust in Damon and the pack as it had always backed her and the wolves up and she just did not get it, not at all. I spoke to her, almost thinking out loud again.

"You know I was asleep? I was on holiday by myself, with no one. Damon must have told you I had trouble sleeping. I hadn't slept in a long time. Myself, I was always having nightmares when I fell asleep. The last time I fell asleep, I had nightmares for four days. That was before the holidays. But on vacation, I slept almost every night. Outside on a hammock in complete safety. When I was absolutely sure that I was safe, I'd given myself that sense of security." 

She looked at me silently, not saying a word, but there was a hint of disappointment in her gaze as she realized the depth of my independence and I had no need for Damon right now.

I told her, "Hormones don't affect my health, as you saw from the blood tests. They're just one thing that bugs Damon because he can't control them. I control them myself. Damon doesn't give a shit whether I reproduce or not. But when it's not his decision, that's what his problem is. Nothing else. He doesn't have heart pictures in his eyes when he thinks about me and his kids or his puppies, not really. No, it's simply that he is not in control. He doesn't get to decide, and there is nothing else wrong with my situation. "

Mariella thought for a moment and said, "But Damon is lovely when he is controlling you and me. I love it when he decides and I am just obeying. It brings security and trust." 

I sighed and answered, "And what have I learned about myself here? I need security, but I make myself feel secure. But here in the pack, I have not yet got the feeling that I dare to go to sleep. Then, one day, one year, maybe I will trust that I am safe in this pack. Nothing bad will happen to me, and I'm waiting for someone to unload me. To help me get this awful pressure off me."

Mariella said, "But Damon can help you. He is strong enough and you should trust him. Let him be alpha for you too, not always fight back."

I looked at her and thought that she did not get this.

So I said, "Well me to trust him, let's see what happened last time when I did that. I let him bring me so near the threshold, so very near to my release, but instead, that someone I trusted took me to be tortured and stabbed for three weeks straight. There goes my trust in him. He betrayed me, lied to me, and led me on just because he had listened to my thoughts when I tried to grow as a person. "

Mariella's expression darkened as she remembered that, too. I kept my voice level, trying to get her to see my situation once and for all.

"Or another trusted person. Comes to talk. He just says he'll show me a place and break my neck. I wake up naked in the basement, tied to a chair with a silver rope that burns like hell. And then causes me pain like I've never experienced before. Another betrayal and you know me and change, and my trust is not an easy thing to get."

She sighed, but she was silent. There was not so much for her to say.

I told her," But even so, I was able to sleep on that island. Because I was by myself, I knew that island from the beginning to the end. I knew what was there. I was in complete control of my environment. And that's what I needed: a sense of security—control of my environment. If you could get that into your head, Salvatore could very well get that into his head. I'm not there yet; I'm still working on the whole thing, and if the pack wants to breed, go ahead. "

Mariella looked at me, and after a moment, she said: "I understand your point of view, I do, and I don't know where this pack is going half the time, but I know that Charles and Damon both love you in their way, and neither one is perfect." 

Her voice was now a little irritated as this was not going in the direction where she had envisioned this would be, so she pressed on, "This pack needs to move on, and I hope you can see that, too. I'm not saying you shouldn't react, but it's been six months and more. And that issue may not have been addressed from your point of view."

I grunted or more like snorted as she tried to sell Salvatore to me again, but it did not deter her from trying.

Her voice was now almost loving, " But as far as those two, that's been one thing that has been bothering Damon throughout this whole vacation: that he couldn't help you, couldn't get you unpacked, and had to pick another pack member before you. And this probably sounds like just more talk when it's the deeds that count, anyway."

I said to her, "Bullshit, Damon might want my power and he might not like the fact that he had chosen others before me, but he still did it. It is just how he sees me, I am never worthy of his help first but others in this pack are and it is just how this plays on, so I will not put myself in a situation where I might need him only to know or notice that he is not there, so no breeding for me. "

She stood up, removed the spell, and said, " That is your choice, but it is not good for pack life for you to isolate yourself. Well, I have now really heard your side of the story, and as usual, this is another mess again. "

I laughed low and said, " What do you think when chaos sets in? There is no order; there is disruption and change, and although I have colossal problems with change, so do men, especially when the change comes so they can't control."

She said nothing, but just walked away. So much for that little girl-on-girl talk. It is just that no one in this pack can see things from my perspective, as I am too unique and way too weird for to them understand me.