13. Money, Money, Money.

It took me five days in bed before I could move and function, and the first thing I did was drag myself to the shower. I had not been lucky, as I sneezed and coughed. I had flu or something but now was not a patient and I would not take any kind of treatment. This was not so serious.

I would just let them see what happens when they took my spleens and my thymus and tortured me for weeks in the cold cellar. I teleported myself into Moldova, in medbay, and there I had a secret compartment on the floor. I opened it and took my case, which was full of leprechaun drops, meant to give symptom relief.

I took the case with me and went back to the house where the pack would be soon ready to listen to some sense. It would be one more time when I had to educate them, and this would not be the last time.

I selected drops for a runny nose, cough, and fever as I was feeling chilly, but not too badly. I had dressed warmly; I was pale and looking sick, but no treatment. I took a lot of my rage out too, just to show them that mean business. I knew what to say, how to say it in order to get the entire pack more or less fucking and leaving me alone.

When I was ready, I felt like this would not be the last time, not at least, and maybe there would be big surprises for them. Then I called the entire pack together and told everyone minor facts. Because I'm going to react, I'm going to state my opinion. It was time for them to meet a new me and this time I would not let them keep their assumptions about me, but I would blow them up in the air and show this bunch of idiots how foolish they were. I ate myself first. Then I announced to everyone that I had something to say and we would meet in the downstairs hall.

I walked in there first, finding myself in a plush, soft armchair where I curled up. Soon I heard footsteps as pack members were coming and by the look on Mariella's face, she thought that this was nothing so surprising. She was almost bored. I sat there and let everyone take their seats; Charles looked at me for a moment and sat down. He saw my pale face, and I took my handkerchief, blowing my nose too. He frowned, quite worried.

Mariella and Damon came down the stairs smelling of sex and sat down on the sofa next to each other. I knew it wouldn't be long before Mariella was in Damon's arms. Damon furrowed his brows. Seeing me sneezing and coughing, I glared at him, letting my rage shine from my gaze, making it obvious that I was not in the mood for medical treatment.

Four and two were looking at me in a way that they knew what I would talk about. They were also worried about me and now it was too late for that. It was time for them to see a lesson about actions and consequences. Once everyone was in place, I stood up and walked so the entire herd could see me. I hadn't covered up my appearance at all, and I let it all show. The truth is good to come out. I had a fit of cough first and then I blew my nose before I was talking. 

I sighed and said." As I said, I was going to react, so this is my reaction. You can see for yourself what shape I'm in. And then you can wonder how I'm in this condition when there were supposed to be nutrients in that jelly, and I was in such damn good shape. How I am sick, with cough and runny nose. Me, the invincible one, the one who cares for her pack. Not getting sick."

My voice was bitter, almost angry, and I could see frowns and furrowed brows on everyone's faces. They did just not get it. Fine, let's make them see. I kept my posture, did not let my hands move, and kept my expression neutral. I called this my non-reacting face.

It was honed over the years, and I had mastered my body control, not letting anything, not one gesture, reveal anything about me unless I wanted to. There were no micro-expressions on my face, nothing at all, and I knew it was one thing that separated me from the pack. Others had expressions, and gestures and it was easy to read them, but not me.

I spoke, keeping my tone calm and explanatory, and I looked at each member of the pack. I was reacting, but I was not yet perfect. Maybe one day, I could let my emotions show on my face always, not just when I choose.

"The whole jelly thing started, but when you don't know what I am, how am I functioning when you should already know? Let's start this thing simply. Everybody looks at me with energy. Any energy, however, you do it. Then you will see. I am full of my power, and it revolves around me. I use them daily as my alpha power, even my rage, vampire power, and willpower. And with them, I stay fit. I have evolved into this being over the years. Now, if I am gelled, if I have turned off all three forces, I will not stay well; my physical body is not in a condition to maintain itself in that state. It is just my evolution had led me to get this weakness. I need my powers every day, and I can't survive without them. Not anymore. "

I saw their eyes flickering into electric blue and disbelief etching in their faces as they witnessed energies surging around me, keeping me functioning. My rage was red, my will was pinkish, and my chaos was like darkness surrounding me. It was multicolored. My vampire power was dark purple, blackish violet force around me. 

They had thought that I had not changed during those seven years and even before that they had rarely looked at me with their energy gaze so they could have not noticed it. I was not sure if would they need their energies every day or if they were just a boost for them, just spare power if needed. But for me, this was part of my being, been like that for quite some time, and as I am what I am and who I am, I don't share, as this is my weakness and I had just revealed it to my pack so this was a big deal for me.

I stated more facts, letting the truth come out. "Helpless in a cold cellar with no physical food. The jelly, and sedation kept my powers down, meaning my body didn't absorb the nutrition, and there probably wasn't that much of it anyway. Your punishment, as it was meant, means that I would lose my weight and my fitness. And then, being such a helpless state, I retreated into the deep. Deep inside my own mind, and that also affects my body and my physiology. But as none of you ever think about that. Not a drop."

Damon looked guilty. I had busted him, and his "nutrition" had meant nothing as it had been punishment. 

I looked at four, my expression softening as they weren't guilty of anything, " All this because of my sex game, sex play, and you, Mariella, probably noticed it quite fast but kept your mouth shut, as it was your jealousy what lead you two in there. You don't have any idea what I was trying to do. Lepard, you don't have to answer, but was it so terrible? I suspect you're the one who got the hang of it. But then those two or three came along and got it all wrong again. Damon and Mariella, you don't know what I'm like or what I've been through."

Mariella moved into Damon's lap, he murmured something to her, as her guilt was written on her face. I was tired, sick, and sore, but I wanted to explain what I had been after in there.

"Let me try to explain what I was trying to do. You're strong. But Damon, you could have been killed. You've always had weaknesses, things you're vulnerable to. But those who were stronger than you have enslaved you, so you made yourself so strong that no one can hold power over you. Mariella, you don't know what it is to die. You don't know. You've never known what it is to live because you've been a god. You have no such concept. You don't have to be invincible because you can get sick and you are being protected. You also know that you are not strongest. Damon is stronger than you, and he will protect you. So for you two, it is simple, no doubt which one of you is stronger and which one is being protected, which one of you doesn't have to be strong."

They looked at me, being cuddled up and not getting my point just yet. I continued my explanation. It was not easy for me to get this explained accurately.

"I've known for decades how fucking strong and resilient I am, what I'm capable of, what my limits are. I'm fucking hard to beat. But it makes everyone feel so good sometimes to be defeated. That someone can beat you? To rule and help. I can't have that anymore, because I am strongest here. It is easy for Damon for you to think that you will control me, but only with drugs or magic, not with your physical force. Not with yourself, with no magical or chemical help. You know it and all of you know it. I can teleport away, I can break out, I can take out my rage and nothing works. I am the strongest and I must say, it is a hell of a lonely place to be. But I do remember how good it felt to let someone stronger than me show me a good way of being helpless, of being at the mercy of pure pleasure and not able to do anything else than let go and enjoy."

Damon gazed at me. They all did, and I could see my four buddies thinking this. They got what I was after. I continued, now looking at Lepard.

"I chose Lepard to be the first victim because I know your rage. It would have helped with your rage when you would have learned to let go. And I can see that you were getting the hang of it. Mariella, your mistress sessions they weren't like this. They were pure sex plays, and both parties were on it, as each of these men could have overpowered you so they weren't really at your mercy. They just let you play with them. But these four felt my power over them. Feel the helplessness and knew that I was the ruler of that room. But I won't do it again; I don't want that treatment again. Oh, Mariela, you're already in Damon's arms. When was the last time any of you helped me? Held me close. Five days after that cleansing, I wish someone would come and take me next to them."

I had a fit of cough and everyone stayed put. Not a single man tried to stand up and come at me. My voice was a little horse from that fit as I continued.

"My alpha power will never clean properly in that method, I can say that. Read some more books and you learn that in order to get alpha power cleaned properly, you need pleasure. You will have pleasure every time you cleanse yourselves and others, but not with me. As my power is so dirty, you forgo the pleasure and focus on pain. It is pure torture for me and when it is over, I am in so much pain, and suffering that my power will get messy right away, making it as dirty it was as a few weeks later. To ease my pain, even if it doesn't physically ease it, but to be there beside me. I wouldn't be alone, vulnerable, helpless, powerless, in my pain and aches alone. That would have helped keep my power even a bit cleaner. As you can see, it is not so much cleaner anymore, and it gets dirtier. But no one came. Why not? Because you are then Ostriches with your heads in the sand. You go to fuck Mariella when your conscience says things." 

My voice was a quiet hiss as I was getting to the best part of my little lesson. I was so tired of this same rigamarole year after year and I knew things would not change. 

"Instead of you being my alpha male, my confidant, my husband, my lover, and coming to my aid, you made your choice. You had to be a creature of lust to fuck that guilty conscience away, just like in the old days. Nothing in this pack has changed, as I've seen now. Do you remember, Damon, a long time ago, when Sark caught me? After Bran had gelled me for five days, do you remember your feelings for me as you carried me to that truck to be operated on when those bombs detonated inside me? That Damon was a fully different creature. Even if you called me darling, you were fully different."

I looked at him and saw other salvatores thinking about that time, too. Mariella in his arms, murmured something to him, causing him to frown lightly. I had no idea if he had ever told about that time to her. 

I took a few steps closer and let a slight sneer come into my voice. "That there is your change, Damon; yes, yes, it holds true from time to time, but not all the time. Not when there is a crisis like this. And the rest of you, well, salvatores like to cook. Of course, it's a change that you don't fuck all the time. I would like to see a change in this pack so that my need for intimacy is considered. Now you don't have to come near me anymore. I'm already fine. I put that need away already. I'm supposed to be a lone wolf. Quite obviously, I need to be completely alone to suffer every fucking minute."

I let my emotions seep into my voice, and focused, really hard, so I let them show on my face too, which was difficult as it was a weakness in my book and I did not want any weaknesses.

"How am I made to suffer alone? Now, there's no point in any of you saying this was my fault. There was no point in coming to me and lecturing me about the act and the consequences. I could go on talking like this for at least an hour. I would have so fucking much to say, so fucking many cases to tell. When have I ever felt this way? There are so many examples. But I don't have the energy. Go fuck yourselves. Think about what I said, and you'll be inspired to fuck some more. Well, then you'll get horny again, and then you'll get breeding time this time, but I will not do it. Unloading. I am still sick so it is not an option yet I don't know when. I just have to put up with this state of being. When was the last time I had a perfectly good time? I don't fucking know."

I looked at everyone and saw so clearly the regret, the disbelief, and the wonder in their eyes. When they don't think about anything, I walk away and leave the entire pack wondering about their actions and what they are going to do next. I was sick and tired and now I wanted my own time, to get better and be alone like I was supposed to be, let the pack have the perfect life that they had during those seven years when there was no drama with me. 

Damon was silent, thinking about how Mimi had laid the facts on the table yet again, and he had betrayed her so damn badly. How Mimi had seen them in each other's arms, and though he'd sworn to change. He hadn't been able to keep his change. She was sick, but because of him and that cage thing, there was nothing he could do for her. She was not in the mood to tolerate anything and even though Damon looked at in future so many scenarios that he could try, nothing worked. 

And Mimi had been right in that the men hadn't been as stressed as they'd assumed. They hadn't even been fucking wolves the whole time. They'd been doing outdoor chores and being quiet. She had had a point and plan and their jealousy had led them to this. Now she was sick, miserable, alone, and angry and he was here sitting with Mariella in his arms, not able to be the man he thought he was. 

Yes, this lesson was felt and bitterly, how Mimi had been waiting for him, for him to come alongside her, and he hadn't noticed it, and now everything was ruined again between him and Mimi, at least, more or less. How he was going to make things right between them, he didn't know.

Mariella was perfectly still in his arms, and a quick scan of her mind told him she was happy to be in his arms, Damon's own. And she wasn't even thinking about Mimi. But Damon sighed, and he smelled the vampire lust once again. It certainly wouldn't help matters, the entire pack, everyone but Mimi, going off to do something together, something that Mimi didn't belong in.

And then there's the surprise of how much Mimi uses her powers to sustain herself. He hadn't taken that into account at all, and he had let his anger and rage come to the surface, throwing his wife into the cage. He was putting her through the worst thing that could happen to Mimi. Perhaps it would be good to keep the vampiric heat on and then look at the situation afterward, learning to live in a pack with an ice queen. As if they had no choice, then to keep that damn vampiric heat and took a break from this. It would be heartbreaking to see her in her shell. Actions and those goddamn consequences and they would just have to live with them. 

When the pack announced they were having a vampire lust and would be back on this island in a couple of weeks, I couldn't help but think how fucking unfair everything is all the time. I wanted to vent; I had wanted to for a long time, but all the gelling and recovery had taken it away now. I was still sick, drops eased up my symptoms minimally and I felt miserable.

And then the whole pack gets to unload and enjoy, and yes, I remembered how good it made me feel, how free I felt. But I'm just not cut out for it. Well, I should just endure this state, learn to be, and try to get myself ready to unload at some point and with whom I didn't know.

I was sick for two weeks and after that; I started baking and doing chocolate and sugar jobs rest time that the pack held a vampire heat. Maybe their fucking vacation could go on and I was not thinking about the future or my bitterness. I just knew that this was the price to pay when I was the strongest in my pack, the strongest in the world. Loneliness. Being a danger to others, it was just my life.