Scraps of Love

You knew I loved you.

From the way your lips part into a smile, the way your eyes crinkled at the ends.

I couldn't help but be enamored by your beauty.

7 was supposed to be a lucky number.

I wonder why it took you that long to return my words of admiration.

The 7 months you weren't there, I felt like I was back at the shallow water, my being melting into the sea with my tears mixing into the cold of the ocean.

I was free.

But then I couldn't just let go of you. Your siren song drew me back to the deeper parts of water, where I took a dive. And I saw you again.

And the words you sang this time were sweeter than those of the men by the bay.

You finally accepted my love.

At first your song was a muted lullaby, and I happily sang along and complimented your melody.

You looked at me as if I was the one causing you pain.

I didn't know what to do, so I treated you like glass.

Maybe you didn't need me as of now.

So when the moon woke up, rising from her sleeping grave, I swam back to shore and talked to her about you.

I hope you weren't lonely without me.

Whenever I visit you at dawn, the water's blue traps the sunlight in a heavy embrace, and I can't seem to find you for hours on end.

I wait, and I wait, patiently sitting at the shore where we, long ago promised to meet.

I see your shadow casted over by the sunset, the orange hues outlining your silhouette.

I ask, "Where were you my darling love?"

You respond, "I was with them"

I wonder when I'll be able to meet the ones you hold dear. I wonder, if in your heart are they dearer than I?

I wonder why, the one you give your sacred love to, is the one you hide from others.

Are you afraid they'll judge us?

Isn't the whole point of love to be unabashed and proud of what, and better yet, who we are as a whole?

Would it be different if you were a man?

Would have it been?

Our good memories seem to be so far behind us, and I've made a version of you in my mind that I can love.

When was our love that started so beautiful and bright, died down until it dimmed like candlelight?

When did my happy tears of joy become tears of pain?

Why do you look at me as if you're the one that's hurt seeing me like this?

I don't want to blame you.

But in the end, you never really knew.

How much I really loved you.

So now, I swim back to shore. No longer longing for the sandy beaches and dark ocean depths.

I'll welcome the land where I was born on, I'll become the dirt.

I wonder why you never at least gave me a proper goodbye.

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My lips are trembling.

The words don't come easy. My tongue can barely form a vowel let alone a shout. 

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why did you do this to the one you said you loved most?

Everyday, I waited for a call, a text, anything! I wanted at least your words, but I wasn't even allowed to hear your voice.

I just wanted us to sing together.

Everyday my skin longed for the cold waters of your home, longing for your embrace to warm me. Everyday I sat by the shore, at least waiting for you to give me a greeting. I sat on the shards of the rocks where the sea met the sand, so if I saw you swimming by I can say hi.

But you never came.

The bed has become my home now. It's warm comforters replacing your hug.

I never knew I had to find a replacement so fast.

I never wanted our memories to end. I can still remember the time we swam in the shallow waters. I can still feel the vibration of your voice, I can still imagine what your touch felt like.

Can you remember our conversations together?

Do you remember the time you gave me a rose? It still sits on my shelf, waiting for more to be received. Do you remember when I gave you a bouquet? I hope it's still in your room.

When did our lives become so separate?

I know the answer.

But everytime I think about you it's always a 'I remember'.

It's never a 'We will'.

7 months, I gave up 7 months of love and time. And I don't regret giving you everything that I was.

But, at some point in those 7 months, I wonder when-

You're calling me.

You've finally granted me the one thing I longed for.

The call lasted 33 minutes.

That's not even enough time to say a fraction of what I want to.

My words have left me.

I remember your words, they were short, and choppy replies.

You didn't even give me time to say goodbye. I wished I said I love you more.

You didn't message me a hello for 3 days.

My good mornings left me in a perpetual state of longing for a reply.

Do you remember me?

I hope you can.

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Remember when you had me over and your parents didn't know?

You said to hide in the balcony if they came to check on you. I came in through your door, happy to see you. 

I remember sitting beside you under the yellow light, I remember how you felt so cold to touch.

I arrived at 6pm, the lights of the surrounding buildings competing with the sleepy celestial being.

The sun was bidding adieu over the horizon, I can see the sandy shores from your balcony as I hid and giggled. 

They never caught me in the end.

As I sat beside you, I was too afraid to even touch your shoulder. I didn't know how to get this close yet. Love usually comes to me so easily, but with you it's been clogging my throat.

I stuttered so much that night.

As I was entangled in your sheets, you were over at the end of the end of the bed.

Your hair reaching your back, your gray shirt weirdly colored in the orange lighting.

I slept in the other bed that night, my eyes always wandering back to your figure.

I can't help but think.

I can't help but dream about you.

I wonder how you picture me, in your head.

Do you…

Do you dream of me as I do you?

Do you think of me in the same light as I do you?

Am I nothing more than a friend?

I'm scared to say no to you, afraid to upset you. Fearing you'd leave me

Was I too naive?

Too naive to give my everything?

I never understood.

Did you love me?

Or do you love the concept of me with you?

I don't think you ever wanted me.

I was never anything to you, Mai.

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You know on April 12th, the day we became something, I didn't feel as the others said I would.

Happy, joyous, or whatever synonyms you can think of.

I just felt tired.

My voice was raspy after singing your favorite song all the time.

You were the thing I was chasing, I loved you like religion.

My devotion is what others teased me about.

I felt like a sinner bearing myself against the one God I worshiped, but at some point your touch hurt me more than the fiery pits of hell.

You still talk about him, I try so hard to understand why he was so good.

What did I do wrong?

Is it because he was a man? Cause he got to you first before me?

You make me miss when we were friends.

You were everything to me.

I am something to you now.

I love you, but at this point in my life you have become an ideal rather than someone I want to love.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't your girlfriend.

Most of the time I'm afraid to be yours.

Yet, I still love you Mai.

No matter how much you hurt me, I still love you.

But I'm hurting too much now.

I hope you wipe my tears like how I would wipe yours.

In the end we never talked about it.

It's okay, it seems like I don't love you any more.

But I feel hurt when I look at you.

Like I miss loving you in the first days of October. 

I miss you, but you don't live for me, and you never cared really.

You tried to love me, and I loved you.

In the end we were never meant to be.

I hope in other universes we loved each other, you loved me back, or I never knew you in the first place.

You were never mine.

I was just yours.

And it's sad I can't let go.