After finishing our delicious breakfast, I asked a question that had been on my mind for a while. "What time is my hair salon appointment today?"
Meridia checked her calendar and replied, "It's late afternoon, around 4 p.m. So you have all morning and early afternoon to rest or do whatever you want."
I nodded, satisfied with the answer. After clearing the table and putting away the dishes, I retired to my room, hoping to find some peace and reflection there. The room was bathed in soft morning light, providing a peaceful ambiance that contrasted with the turmoil of my thoughts.
Sitting on my bed, I let myself think. The evening spent with Koen had been magical, but a little voice in my head was starting to sow seeds of doubt. Maybe I was going too fast with him. Maybe he wasn't the right one, and the thought made my heart ache. I was afraid of committing too quickly and hurting myself.
These doubts invaded me more and more, and despite my efforts to chase them away, they settled like a shadow over my feelings. A solitary tear rolled down my cheek, followed by others. I cried quietly, trying not to make any noise so no one would hear me.
Unlucky, I thought sadly, that should be my nickname
Tears fell silently as I hugged my knees to my chest. I felt vulnerable, torn between hope and fear. The idea that Koen might not be who I expected terrified me. But at the same time, there was a part of me that wanted to believe in him, that wanted to give him a chance to prove his worth.
I don't want to believe that he will hurt me...I thought, and that he will make me suffer
After a while, I took a deep breath and wiped away my tears. Crying wouldn't solve anything, I had to get up. I didn't have this rebirth to wallow in my room.
If it's not the right one, too bad, I thought, I'm going to pray that I can get back up
I had to be strong and take things one day at a time, like I told Meridia and her husband.
I decided to focus on the charity event and my day. I could always discuss my concerns with Meridia later, as she had always been a listening ear and wise counsel. For now, I had to get ready for my hair salon appointment and try to stay positive.
Sometimes when I look back at the little girl I was, I understand that Donovan destroyed me. I thought I could erase it from my memory but it continues to haunt me. And I hate him because in my old life he managed to make me believe that without him I was nothing.
He belittled me, humiliated me, used me and then threw me away. Yet when we first met he seemed so vulnerable. Now I wonder if he wasn't pretending all along.