Chapter 34: A bad habit

These past few days, whenever Yukino and I would separate, I would get sad and lonely to a state where voices in my head would clash. It felt so noisy despite the quiet surroundings. My mind just won't be quiet. 

I thought that I already accepted the fact that Yukino will one day leave me but the toll it's taking on my mind seemed to be unbearable as days passed. So whenever I would feel so heavy from overthinking things, I would usually seek alcohol for help knowing that I can't tell this to anyone especially Yukino. She's already suffering enough so I don't want her to be bothered by my current mental state. 

Days and weeks passed as the voices in my head got louder and louder. I developed a habit of visiting different pubs late at night after having my usual night adventures with Yukino. I first started out just buying alcohol and bringing it back to my apartment. For some time, it did ease the pain and anxiousness I felt, but after a few days it started to not work. I even had days where I would think of giving up on Yukino because I can't bear the fact that I'll be losing her. But then I still sought for other ways to escape from this sadness. I thought that I might be getting so used to drinking at home that it defeats the purpose of trying something new. So I tried various things that led to me visiting different pubs for a different atmosphere every time I drank. This became my escape to reality. A way to shut down the voices inside of my head. 

Tonight was the usual, I tried my very best to not let any signs of sadness when I'm with Yukino. Don't get me wrong, I really am genuinely happy when I am with Yukino, it's like all the problems in the world would fade just by her company. But the problem would arise after she goes home and I'm left alone. 

After taking her home, I went to a pub about an hour drive from my apartment. I checked my wrist watch and it was already 1 AM. The pub was dark as the lights were dim and smoke from cigarettes and vape surrounded the area. I sat by the bar and ordered some alcohol. The bartender never said a word and just handed me what I asked for. 

"I saw you once at a pub on my day off." Said the bartender. He was quite old around 60s-70s considering that his hair and beard already turned white.

"Really?" 

"You must've been pub hopping considering how far this place was from the other pub and that you're alone." 

"Yeah, it seemed fun so I wanted to try it." 

The bartender definitely did not believe me but he didn't pry.

"Just take care of yourself young sir. If you ever need something, I'll be glad to serve you the best alcohol I can make." 

That seemed to lighten me up a bit. I never thought that a talk with a bartender would be so refreshing even though it was only a small talk. I guess I should start talking to them more often. 

An hour passed as I was getting a bit drunk but I decided to order 1 last drink before going home. My eyes are getting fuzzy and the surroundings are starting to blur. I rested my head by the bar counter and I found myself falling asleep. 

"Aoi! Oi! Wake up." 

I was woken up by someone sitting by the chair to my left. I tilted my head up and saw the bartender looking at me. 

"Are you okay? What are you even doing here?" 

My vision started to get clearer after a few seconds from waking up. It was Hina holding a glass of what seemed to be a mojito. 

"H-hina? What are you doing here? Anyway, what time is it?" 

"It's 3:47 AM. I live around here. Nevermind me, but why are you here?" 

"Just for some drinks?" 

"What? Why here? Something up? Did you have a fight with Yukino?" 

I was drunk and I can feel it. I wanted to let everything out so my drunk self decided to take everything out on Hina." 

"Why even bother asking? Do you even care? I guess not. You rejected me like a bug after all." 

The bartender read the room and decided to step away from us to let us talk.

Hina was quite surprised but didn't look angry. I realized what I have done and decided to rest my head down at the bar counter once again to cover my face.

"I'm sorry. It's just that, I can't handle it anymore." 

"You can talk to me." 

"Yukino's dying." 

"What? Wait what? I'm really confused here. What do you mean that she's dying?"

"She's sick with a disease that is beyond help. I don't want to lose her." 

"Did you date her knowing all these?" 

"Yes." 

"Why Aoi?" 

"Because I love her. And I want to give her all the happiness she deserves. I know that this will hurt but I don't want that fact to hinder me from loving her. Can you please not tell anyone about this?" 

"Sure, but you'll be suffering. Even more than you already are. I can't tell you to break up with her. But are you really sure about this?" 

"Yeah, I've thought about it countless times but this is the only answer I can arrive at. I don't want to lose her Hina. But I know I will. What should I do? I don't want to let go of her either." 

"I don't really know the answer to that question. If I was in your place I probably would've done the same thing." 

Hearing those words from Hina made me look up at her. Knowing that someone would be able to understand how strongly I feel for Yukino. 

"I may not have the answer you're looking for Aoi, but I'll be here for you whenever you need me. I know that you want to give Yukino everything, and she deserves that so I won't stop you. But you have to promise me one thing." 

"What is it?" 

"You have to give it everything and not hold back despite knowing how much it would hurt once she's gone. One thing's that even more painful than losing her would be regretting that you weren't able to give her everything you could. You have to make sure that you will love her and make her happy as much as time would allow. Do it for yourself as well, accept every bit of love she would give and cherish every moment with her. Everything that the both of you will do together will be special. So cherish it."

"I promise. I feel guilty that I even thought of letting her go a few times when it gets so hard. How shameful."

"Don't be, in fact I'm proud that you are this strong Aoi. I probably would have given up halfway through." 

Hina gave me a hug and I cried. A few minutes later I settled down.

"Keep this a secret from everyone okay? Yukino will tell them once she's ready." 

"Understood. But really? Pub hopping? That's interesting in its own way." 

"You have to keep this a secret too." 

The two of us laughed. My heart seemed to get a bit lighter than it usually did. 

"Can you drive home?" 

"Yeah, I've sobered up so it'll be fine."