The battle begins

I have become a murderer, a raging beast without any human compassion. For the satisfaction of my own perverse sadistic desires, I was willing to make a person endure unspeakable suffering. My deviant impulses were worth the death of a person to me. Reflecting on my actions from a cool distance, the fear of being discovered for my terrible deed did not even come close. I felt safe and strong. Soon, I would discover my future and find a way to gain insight into the life plans of other people. I would rise to become the ruler of the world, and I had an inner certainty that no one would be able to stop me on this path.

I spent a few days at home in relaxed calmness. I visited friends and amused myself as I used to do in the past. The only thing my acquaintances noticed was that I seemed to be in good spirits. That's how they put it. They teased me, saying that maybe I was in love, which is why they hadn't seen me around much lately. I smiled knowingly and made no comments. Everyone had a natural explanation.

During this time, I came to the conclusion that people have a tendency to find an explanation for everything, doing so very quickly. Moreover, if someone provided an explanation for something unusual, others quickly believed it to be a fact. It didn't require much effort to hide something; all one had to do was allow others' minds to work, and the illusion became perfect.

I thought about what it meant to have committed murder, and yet, I remained relatively cool about it. I did not feel guilty about it at all. In the company of these people, it seemed commonplace to kill someone.

After all, thousands of people were killing each other every day anyway. Wars were being fought, and death sentences were being carried out all over the world every day. What difference did one or two more deaths caused by me make?. Especially considering the fact that everyone has to die eventually.

Let's assume a person would live to be a hundred years old. That would definitely be the timespan that his natural fate has in store for him. One second before the end of those hundred years, I kill him. For example, an old, weak person who is struggling with death. I shorten his suffering, his agony, by one second. Is what I did wrong? Would it be worth putting me on the electric chair for that one second? Who could claim not to doubt themselves in that situation? One second less of misery cannot be a reason to condemn the perpetrator. If he hadn't intervened, his victim would have died in the next moment anyway.

Now, if this one second of life is not enough evidence to convict the murderer with a clear conscience, then two seconds should not matter much either. Where should the limit be? What about a minute, an hour, a year, or ten years? All people have to die anyway, but no one knows when, so who can say that I did not commit the murder one second before the victim would have died naturally? What does life mean if we are all candidates for death?

Seen in this light, life itself is a terrible torture. Imagine locking up a prisoner and telling them that they are sentenced to death, a sentence that could be carried out at any minute, without prior notice. They only know that the moment will come, maybe today, maybe in ten years, or possibly even tomorrow. It is a cruel thought to have to live with this awareness.

And that's how we humans live as well: to avoid breaking down because of it, everyone pushes away thoughts of death. Only a few learn to live with it.

Some turn to religion for refuge, while many numb themselves with cheap pleasures. Only a few chosen ones face reality calmly, and even fewer recognize the opportunity their mortality offers them. And even fewer still have the courage to seize that chance.

Perhaps they simply lack both strength and courage. But I had it.

My mortality allowed me to do anything without having to bear responsibility because, if I were ever held accountable, I would be dead. Even if I had an immortal soul, what I did was just a fleeting episode. I was free. Free to do whatever came into my mind or something else.

I indulged myself in philosophical constructions, developing justifications and pondering interesting thoughts. As long as I thought rationally, I was fine. But when I became tired and couldn't think clearly anymore, or wanted to sleep, the visions would appear before my mind's eye.

Pictures of the young men I have killed remain the same to this day. I have made the person I killed immortal within me. I have eaten from his body. My body is his body. I have absorbed his strength within me. My strength is his strength. I see him almost constantly before me. My life is his life, which I took from him. I will never be rid of him, just as I can never rid myself of myself, unless, of course, I were to lose my existence.

At first, I mostly felt good and could live with this murder on my conscience. The images that haunted me did not torment me at first. It was only much later, when I realized that I would have them for the rest of my life without being able to resist, that they became unbearable to me.

The thought that this could be dangerous occurred to me, so I wanted to go there and let my fate be revealed to me. The time should have come now, so I called a taxi and had myself driven there. From now on, I wanted to be a king.

As promised, the whole group was gathered when I arrived. A few friendly words of greeting, a welcome drink, pleasant chatter among good friends followed. We exchanged trivialities and were in good spirits. I was so sure of myself that I didn't feel impatient at all to receive the book of my life. Everyone knew the reason why I had come and when I would come, so they must also know the purpose of my presence here today.

No one had brought up the occult topic on their own initiative. After some very amusing chatter, it became too much for me.

With determination, I demanded that they all be silent now.

After all, we were not here to waste our precious time with idle talk. They should hand over the book to me and translate it for me.

Now that I am strong enough, it's important to note that the uncle congratulated me on my decision to want to know my fate. However, some rules had to be followed. He and the master of the library had taken a vow not to show anyone's future lightly. This was necessary to protect those who were still too weak because looking into one's fate also revealed the time and manner of one's own death.

One had to be strong for this, and have a special attitude towards life, as well as learn a lot from the moment when one's future is revealed, in order to live with this knowledge.

Therefore, he must demand of me that I solemnly request insight into my book following a prescribed ritual. Furthermore, I must request admission to the teachings. If all present, who are already in the teachings or have completed them, agree, I can prove that I truly have sufficient power. Only then may I see my fate. It was clear. There was no room for discussion. The reasoning behind the procedure made sense to me. I felt strong, so I accepted the ritual.

The room was darkened, and everyone else had put on their white robes while I undressed completely. Each person held a large candle in each hand, and they stood in a circle around me, silent and motionless for a long time. The atmosphere was intense, and it was clear how focused everyone was. In that long silence, I became aware of how crucial that moment was for my life. I was supposed to be among the chosen ones who were allowed to know everything about themselves during their lifetime.

My life would be laid out before me, and I should now gain the euphoria of the probation period for the rest of my life. I should have the security of not having to die in the next moment until death came upon me. I could prepare for death and enjoy life like a divine being. The ritual was extremely meaningful, and I was deeply moved that the keepers of the library had so much responsibility that forced me to realize what was happening. I savored those long minutes of silence until the tingling tension that filled the room reached its peak, and the uncle solemnly asked me to take an oath and repeat after him sentence by sentence. With each sentence, a holy shiver ran through my body.

"I am ready for my life. I am ready to prove my strength. I am ready to learn what I do not yet know. I am ready to accept the knowledge that my destiny reveals to me. I am ready to keep my knowledge secret. I am ready to serve the brotherhood in gratitude for glimpsing into its deep secrets. I accept the rules that have been prescribed by the brotherhood since ancient times for apprentices, journeymen, and masters. I am ready to die if I break my oath. I vow to apply what I learn. I vow to strive for the highest mastery. I vow to fight and serve for every insight."

I heard these words for the first time, but they felt familiar to me. I repeated them wholeheartedly from within myself. The uncle spoke from the soul. I repeated the oath with all my heart.

I was allowed to dress again. The others took off their robes. The light of day flooded the room again. My uncle explained to me that with this ceremony I had solemnly applied for admission to the brotherhood. The brotherhood was a powerful alliance, through which I would now learn everything. But I must never speak about it, except when giving someone initiation into the secrets of the brotherhood.

However, I had to have reached a certain degree of mastery for that. Now I stood before being accepted into the teachings. Only the masters could speak about the existence of the brotherhood among themselves. Anyone who broke this rule would forfeit their life on the spot. Now he asked those present if I could fight for admission to the brotherhood. Each of those present said they couldn't imagine that I could do anything better than them, so I should try to fight. I would always lose and thus forever miss my chance to look into the book of life. That was a fair punishment for my arrogance and excessive self-esteem. They laughed and mocked me. Before, this would have unsettled me, but now their behavior made me think quickly. I saw their mockery as pure provocations.

They drew lots to determine who I had to challenge. It became clear to me that not everyone held the same rank in the hierarchy. The master and my uncle did not participate in the drawing, nor did the Jessica . One of the three men would be my opponent.

He asked me in which discipline I believed myself to be superior to him. I should not make a hasty decision; it was unique and irreversible.

I wouldn't have a second chance.

Without hesitation, I replied that I was the fastest cucumber slicer. No one could beat me in this discipline today.

I could cut up a large cucumber into many small slices before he had cut five slices.

Obviously, my proposal was surprising as I had no comparison with what other applicants chose as challenges.

Nevertheless, my proposal was accepted.

We all went into the kitchen.

We were both given a cucumber and a large kitchen knife.

Before anyone could give a starting signal, I stabbed my knife into my opponent's back, causing him to collapse gasping for air and completely forgetting about his cucumber.

Calmly, I chopped up my cucumber and poured the slices over him lying on the ground.

As an aside, I told him he shouldn't be so arrogant when speaking with me in the future.

It was completely natural that from now on in life, I would always be superior.

If he survived, he could apologize to me if he wanted.

The uncle and master were the only ones who did not show horror at my behavior; others were visibly shocked by it.

They witnessed with what pleasure I tore apart a living man. The uncle radiated joy and satisfaction. He liked me. My cunning made me worthy of being admitted to the order. The other two men, who could have also been my opponents, took care of the wounded man and carried him away. The uncle explained to me that the one who was stabbed must now be my servant and could only reach a higher rank in the brotherhood if I allowed it.

I was now an apprentice and had to prepare myself for a lifelong school. Soon I would understand the structure of the brotherhood, get to know other apprentices, journeymen, and masters. I would be initiated into activities of the brotherhood and instructed in its secret teachings. The fight had been a brilliant performance because I had applied what I had already learned. My well-being and advantage were more important than another person's life. That's how I could be strong. I had intelligently used my advantage. He was proud of me. For a beginner, my calculating approach was a commendable achievement.

I had fought and proven that I was strong enough, stronger than others. I was superior and showed it. I treated others quite condescendingly, until the uncle reprimanded me for it and said that I only owed it to my unassuming nature to even be considered for selection. There was no place in a brotherhood for people who wanted to be in the spotlight. I should show myself a little more modestly again. After all, I never knew who my counterpart was. There were great men in this world who did not reveal themselves. From now on, I should always keep that in mind and take an example from them. I could only survive with my knowledge in a world of small minds if I did not let anyone suspect what I knew.

Their fear would mobilize forces against me, against which no magic or powerful brotherhood could protect me. The brotherhood and its members could only work on the Great Work if they were active in secret.

I had the great honor and great luck to belong to this brotherhood from now on. Before being introduced to the actual areas of knowledge, I had to complete some preliminary exercises. I was at the level of an apprentice. Here, they would show me what I needed the knowledge for, and some basic tools would be given to me for my long journey of understanding. He did not speak of the path of understanding, but of the paths of understanding, which did not make sense to me.

I was quite pleased. The plural representation was a limitation in my understanding, but I did not interrupt my uncle's speech. Once I had completed my apprenticeship, I would be granted the rank of journeyman. I would have to finish my apprenticeship with an exam. Likewise, I would have to demonstrate my mastery in a probationary test. Only then would the higher honors await me, meant to grant me a complete understanding of the world. It was also said that my personal limit in mastery would become apparent to me. My uncle qualified this statement by claiming that he had never met a master of the brotherhood had even glimpsed this limit. He personally doubted the existence of such a limit, although it was explicitly mentioned in ancient texts. My task, and that of all masters of the high degrees, was solely to find this limit, to surpass it, and thus become the ruler of the world. Now it should be clear to me how far I was from this lofty goal and that I had no reason whatsoever to be arrogant. Having overcome the first hurdle meant absolutely nothing yet.

"The ruler of the world" was associated with a different idea for me back then than it is today. It probably should have been better phrased as "ruler of my world, of my life." I was solemnly inducted into the brotherhood, and my apprenticeship began with the realization that I knew nothing, could do nothing, and was still not mature enough to decipher my destiny. I was told to first learn the alphabet, then the language, in order to find out something about myself from the library. This was very unsatisfying. It felt like these people were trying to stall me. However, a part of me had an unmistakable feeling that I had embarked on a path that would lead me to a significant point. So I obeyed and decided to be a good student. This decision was reinforced by the overwhelmingly charismatic aura of my uncle. I was far behind him in every way. So I contented myself with being at the beginning of a long journey, but at least having taken the first small steps.

From now on, I met with members of the brotherhood almost daily. I also got to know other people who belonged to the brotherhood. They were all men. Only occasionally did a few women briefly appear, but they seemed to have no influence in this society. They appeared to be only executive organs, without the right to have a say. They seemed like slaves. They were probably intimidated and felt blackmailed, or they could not emotionally escape the spell of the group and lived in the same ambivalent state as I did until recently, before I fully dedicated my life to the teachings of the brotherhood. I occasionally had a faint sense that I carried a special tendency towards fanaticism within me. Compared to others, I learned more intensively, raised fewer doubts or objections. I could accept much more than some others who, like me, were in the teachings.

My first practical application lesson outside of the brotherhood was supposed to be a meeting with my uncle. He said that without money, the community could not realize its plans, so he wanted to show me how to earn a million marks through good preparation alone. I had essentially already done the work; we had plowed, sown, and now it was time for the harvest. I would see that it pays off to know more about people than others.

We dressed up, put on dark blue business suits, took small elegant diplomat briefcases, and drove to a big city. My uncle instructed me not to say anything except for the usual greetings. He wanted to lead all negotiations alone, and I had to behave normally and naturally under all circumstances, no matter what happened. I just had to observe what was happening.

A heavy limousine with a chauffeur, TV, and minibar brought us to the administrative building of a large corporation. We entered the generously and extremely elegantly designed reception hall. My uncle introduced himself to the receptionist with a common name and claimed he had an appointment with an employee of the company; she should please announce us. I thought he was lying. What was he up to? As a sophisticated businessman, I had never imagined this person before.

But apparently everything was true. We were escorted by another lady to our conversation partner's office. She knocked on the door and opened it to the waiting room, and the secretary made some polite remarks. Everything seemed very cultured and even nice. I felt comfortable, even though such an environment had been foreign to me until then.

The door opened, and in the doorway stood the man who wanted to greet us. He stood there as if rooted in place. It was clear how his face drained of color as he was terrified beyond belief. For a couple of seconds, he stared at me before making an enormous effort to compose himself again.

It was the man who had spent a hot night with me for five thousand marks. He seemed not to recognize my uncle, but now he knew who we were..

So this is why the uncle said I should stay natural, no matter what . He introduced himself, shook hands with the man, and introduced me under a false name as his assistant and partner. In the man's office, we sat at a low glass table on a tasteful leather sofa and were served coffee by a secretary. Our counterpart was visibly nervous and kept looking uncertainly at me, wondering how I would behave. I remained calm, signaling nothing to him, pretending as if I had never met him before today. Over time, he also became calmer. He probably thought about whether I might have an interest in revealing his inclinations. He must have believed that I would incriminate myself if I were to report our shared sexual experience. Ultimately, it seemed to him that I was about to start a bourgeois career. It was simply not conducive to have a past as a hustler. Whatever he may have thought, he became calmer, gained confidence, and engaged in a business conversation with the uncle.

Eventually, he only occasionally glanced over at me during the conversation. During this conversation, the uncle introduced himself as a real estate agent who had a large plot of land to market that was very interesting for the company represented by my homosexual client. The condition for the purchase was that the land be developed very soon according to the plans of a specific architect. The execution of the project had to be entrusted to a specific construction company.

The uncle handed over a folder of documents to the man and said he had only three days to consider it. He would call after three days. The conversation lasted about twenty minutes in total. We said goodbye and left the building.

The uncle took me to an upscale restaurant where we had a light meal and toasted to a good deal we had made.

I asked for the plan on how this encounter could result in one million marks for us.

My friend with an inclination towards young men was responsible for properties and real estate of an international corporation. If his inclination became known, it could harm his career. After all, he was married, had children, and held honorary and public offices. We proposed a business deal where we would receive hefty commission fees. The only thing necessary to finalize the deal was approval from the corporation. Our partner should use his influence here and push through our plan. It all sounded very simple and convincing. I argued that it was quite possible that he would not support our proposal but the uncle dismissed my concerns with ease.

With a wave of his hand from the table, he considered this man to be a coward and a vain person. The image he had built of himself, on which he had worked hard for many years - his self-presentation - was more important than anything else. He was almost obsessed with this image. Therefore, we had nothing to worry about. We just couldn't make one mistake. Under no circumstances should he think that we were trying to blackmail him. He had to believe that he was doing everything voluntarily. After all, he was so vain and arrogant that he even had a charitable side. Tomorrow we would give him the push to help us get to the million, and in just a few weeks, we should get the money.

The uncle had prepared the action well in advance. Everything was carefully planned. The actors had been under observation for a long time and nothing seemed left to chance.

I was promised that the money would first go into our account. Then the uncle would be able to make many things clear to me based on this practical example. He didn't just want to tell me how things were connected. I should understand it in my deepest being.

It would be helpful to have this real application in mind. I should please be patient. This way of learning was the only meaningful one. Otherwise, I would be a theorist, like many priests and esotericists. We had nothing to do with such people. We were an elite and had a great and sacred task to fulfill.

With these sanctimonious words, the uncle bid me farewell.

The next day I met with the uncle again. I called our business partner in his office. I told him how happy I was that I had met him again, but please don't tell my boss how I financed my studies.

A few loving words and that I would like to see him again soon.

I was offended back then when he gave me money after that night. Didn't he feel that night was something special? And so on and so forth.

I laid it on so thick that I could hardly hold back my laughter because I noticed how uncomfortable he became as I poured out a flood of emotions over him.

He was too well-mannered and nice to simply cut off the conversation abruptly. Also, he probably feared that I might be offended and then let myself be carried away by an irrational reaction. Hurt feelings were difficult to predict. He knew that. In any case, they were difficult to predict for those who did not know better.

He was very empathetic and explained his situation to me. He was married, held a position of rank and respect, and despite all his affection for me, it made him uncomfortable that I knew who he was.

Nevertheless, he wanted to do me a favor. He would support the business in his house. It would benefit my career. But then he had one request. As a return favor, I should not contact him anymore, and of course, he wouldn't tell anyone about my past either.

He also enjoyed the night back then and did not want to offend me by giving me money. He had style. I had to give him that. He had style and was dumb. But he couldn't realize that. He was too caught up in his own worldview. He couldn't imagine that everything was planned and he was just a pawn in the hands of a group of people who didn't care about the well-being of others at all.

We completed the deal as planned. All contracts were made very quickly and the commissions were paid without any problems. I called my benefactor again briefly, thanked him, and told him that he had really helped me a lot. I had prospects of becoming a partner in the company soon because I was able to excel in this business. This was only possible because I knew I could count on him. In return, I would leave him alone in the future, even though I would often think of him. But he was such a good person, I didn't want to make his life difficult. I hung up the phone and we bent over laughing. We laughed so long and hard that my ribs hurt the next day.

The man on the other end of the line probably cried with emotion and now firmly believed in the good in himself and in me. I confirmed his way of thinking and his direction. He became even more predictable than before and would later provide our organization with many valuable services without me appearing or him noticing it. The more he believed he held the strings, the more he became a puppet. Poor ignorant man...

The uncle, the master, and I sat together, celebrating our triumph over the vanity of a man who had provided us with a seven-figure sum because he was too weak to stand up for his weaknesses to others. The uncle told me that my apprenticeship would take a lot of time and that I would hardly have the opportunity to take care of my livelihood. However, since I needed money to live - that's how it is in the world we live in - and since I also had a significant role in the success of this operation, I should also properly share in the fruits of this work. That would only be fair, even though I had only been in apprenticeship for a few days. I have always shown myself worthy so far, and there have been few people who have lived the spirit of the brotherhood like me. I shouldn't get too proud now. I had seen where pride and vanity led a person and how much they degraded him and made him a puppet of people whose existence he didn't even know about. In short, if I promised not to become arrogant, they would invest the money so that I would be paid a salary from which I could live very well.

I could live. Everything should be contractually agreed upon. Officially, I would be an employee of a company and would have a very good contract with severance arrangements and everything else needed to feel financially secure for the rest of my life. My part would be to intensively absorb the teachings of the brotherhood and actively support the Uncle and the Master in their work. I was happy to accept this offer. The Uncle had already prepared all the contracts. I signed them without reading them.

Now I believed I had everything: money, security, knowledge, power, interesting company, and the exhilaration of feeling superior to most people around me.