Chapter 7

As I said, I couldn't and wouldn't stop eating so as expected I became a pig. I gained weight on my face, legs and especially on my ass. I was sad but what could I do. One day I was cleaning the house as usual when my stepdad came over with his friend in the living room. I was busy cleaning so I didn't pay much heed to them. That's when suddenly my stepdad began saying that his friend should look at my fat juicy ass. It's gotten bigger and maybe I had some sex. Brotha what? I was just 14 at that time. And yes, he did find about a guy that I was seeing at that time but I had no clue about sex neither was I interested in it.

His friend shamelessly looked at my ass passed on some hurtful comments and the two of them left like nothing happened. As soon as they left I was down on my knees bitterly crying. Was gaining weight some sort of a sin? Was a girl not allowed to live peacefully without being constantly sexualized? All these thoughts ran in my head. I learned about fatphobia at a very young age and experienced it first hand too. I still kept on eating thinking that I needed to survive no matter what others thought of me. But it was hard.

At first it was just my sisters and stepdad, it hurt the most when my mom started doing it too. My mom had somehow become chill and friendly after that incident and she didn't mind us dating or using curse words infront of her. Sometimes she and my stepdad would join us in the shenanigans. Anyways I became insanely focused on my body and hated it. I started hating every inch of it. The pimples, acnes, acne scars, bumps, chubby cheeks, fat ass, fat hands, fat legs, bloated belly and even my hair. And the fact that I discovered kpop at that time didn't help either. I would look at female idols body in awe and wished to be them.

I would obsessively look for their diets in their predebut era and no matter how dangerous or unhealthy the diet was, I still followed it. One of my stepdad's sister came to live with us at that time since my sister left the house because she couldn't put up with my mom anymore. His sister and I were great friends and she would understand that I was always on a diet so she didn't disturb me much. One day I tried the popular momo diet inspired from twice's momo. I did that and I kid you not I almost fainted in the shower. After the shower I was left with no energy so I laid down like dead body on the sofa. By that time the lockdown was lifted so my mom and stepdad were never at home. My mom went to work while my stepdad went out with his friends. It would usually be me, my stepdad's sister and my two half younger siblings at home.

So while I was lying dead on the sofa my mom came back from work with some apples and I couldn't take the hunger anymore and ate the apple and even ate a ton load of food after that. I felt extremely guilty whenever I was even a little bit full so you could imagine how remorse I was after eating that much of food. I became depressed but still didn't give up and tried again and again. I did the water diet, the sweet potato diet and even though I hated tomatoes I still went on a tomato diet. For my skin, I bought different facial masks, scrubs and creams but nothing ever worked for me. I was so fed up of everything but still tried due to the fear that I would be forever called as a fatty. For a few days I went back to my uncle's place since both of my sisters were there. Back at home with mom, I never had to hide the fact that I was starving since no one noticed anyway but with my sister it was different. My sister knew that I was starving myself so she would pack my lunch by herself and even forced me to eat breakfast. The breakfast would go down the toilet in school. I forced myself to throw up which ended up leaving me sick and the lunch would be fed to the street dogs.

I was back with my mom and we were shifting our house near to my middle school. I was in the 10th grade by that time and still suffered from my body image. I was a loner again since my sweet friends decided to leave me for the popular new girl, again. But don't worry, I didn't let it go that easily. I targeted them one by one. First one was walking past my seat when I threw my seat in her way and did that multiple times until she felt awkward. The second one was giving a pity show infront of the whole class by sharing her sad life story to which I just laughed loudly right in front of everyone and even threw some mean comments while I was at that. The third one, I bullied her with my words until she ran away crying. The fourth one, I pretended to forgive her and asked her to walk home with me and left her in the middle of nowhere to walk alone. The last one, the popular new girl; I said mean stuffs to her face, made her eat lunch alone and laughed whenever she got scolded by the teachers. They got a taste of their own medicine but no matter what, I was still alone. I had no one to keep me company during the breaks. No one to go to the toilet with. No one to partner up for stuffs, we sat in a group but still I didn't have a partner to talk comfortably with while we worked. I didn't have anyone to talk and gossip or play games with during free periods. I had my groupmates sometimes, but most of the time they would be busy with their own things.