39. Bed Of Roses.

I glanced at Wulfe and smiled. The poor boy seemed torn, unsure if he should leave me. But it was time for vampire heat, and it couldn't wait any longer.

"Take it easy," I reassured him. "I'm fine, and so are you. Give it your best shot. Make Mariella suffer for me, make her scream."

He smiled and gently brushed my hair away from my eyes. "Damn it, my unicorn," he sighed. "You know this is hard."

Wulfe stood beside me, his posture slightly slumped, his hand wringing as he battled with himself. I smiled softly, trying to convince him that everything would be fine. We would be fine. This was a good thing, not something bad.

It was time to say goodbye, at least for now. The whole ordeal was coming to an end. I had managed to pull myself together, or at least I had little choice. Vampire heat was approaching rapidly, and it was time for us to part ways, to have some time alone, to process what had happened, to recover, and maybe even to have some fun.

I nodded and said, "You'll be fine. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. As for me, it's about time I had some time to myself. Besides, this little snowball needs to gain some momentum before facing Salvatore again."

Wulfe shook his head and asked, "But Christmas is coming. Will you be celebrating? What if we have Christmas without you?"

I replied, "Go ahead. I'm not in the mood for Christmas. Besides, I have my own plans, and Christmas isn't part of them. I told you, I'm fine. You can enjoy all the holidays you want. It won't bother me."

He smiled tentatively at first, but then he relaxed as he delved into my thoughts. He was reassured that I truly was okay with them having Christmas and whatever else they wanted to celebrate. I had my own plans and needed my own time. That was what mattered. I needed time to find peace, to gather my thoughts, and to move forward. 

He glanced at me one last time, then turned around and walked away. His steps were measured, but his posture still slightly slumped as he reluctantly left my side. He didn't want to go, but being mostly a vampire, it was of great importance to him. He would enjoy himself so much.

I felt a strong connection to him, almost tangible. I let my little boy go and have fun with his friends, assuring him that mommy would be just fine. It was funny, as we didn't have that kind of relationship, but rather a more carnal one, if we so desired.

I was seated in one of the lounges, the room adorned with violet and golden accents, vampire colors. However, the Salvatores and others were ready to leave, so there weren't many people left there.

I had instructed Alaric, Tim, and Taylor to take care of some matters and give them a few good ideas on where to start. Murdock and Dexter were hot on the heels of Sarks and Krychecks, while Wulfe and Magnum would join in once they were free from their vampire duties.

I needed peace and freedom to have some time to myself, so I made sure that my biggest enemies were occupied. As for the wizards, the magical house and fleas had identified several targets for them to focus on and enjoy.

The rest of the pack had their tasks, with Colin busy with Samuel and clinics, and the girls undertaking undercover jobs in the magical house. The rest of the pack was preparing for vampire heat and a holiday afterward.

As for me, I had my own secret plans. I wasn't going to be the leader of my organization, but I also wasn't going to be a mere follower. No, I had my sights set on being useful and getting things done. It would be exactly what I wanted, and even more of what I needed. Maybe someday, I would settle into a pack life, but for now, the world was mine to explore. I was going to dive headfirst and enjoy as much as I possibly could, without anyone limiting me or telling me what I could or couldn't do.

Since it was autumn, the days were shorter, and the sun was setting as I sat there. Wulfe walked away, indicating that the pack was ready to go. I wasn't in a hurry, as it would take me maybe a week or two to reach the level of fitness required for my plan. But time was something I had on my side. 

The vampire heat would last for at least four, maybe five, weeks. After that, I wasn't entirely sure if they would have a few weeks of black goo bite-off, meaning living in the castle in Ireland and indulging in biting good ol' Mariella, perhaps even getting some rotten bits out of their minds.

Then, it might be time for them to head to the Azores. As for how long, I had no idea, and frankly, I didn't care. I had my plan and my time, and that was what was important.

I realized that I would never be a fully domesticated lap cat, purring contently in Damon's or any of the Salvatores' arms. I was way too wild, way too independent. Maybe it was because I was the alpha female, or maybe it was because I was more of an animal than anyone else.

I had come to this realization during this time, and it was perfectly fine. Funny enough, Mimosa and Shadow were wolves too, but the boys were more feline-like and had acquired more humanity. Meanwhile, I had lost mine over the years.

Sure, I had my moments, but my mind operated like that of a feline, and humanity felt alien to me. It really did, and there wasn't much I could do about it. It was just a fact of life. Maybe, just maybe, I would still be an outsider.

Wulfe would be with me, of course, but then again, he was an outsider too. However, he was like me. It was hard for me to try and explain, as I pondered it in my mind, what made me feline, what was so different about me compared to others. What was a part of my alpha side and what was left of me? But then again, could I even find these bits and pieces of myself, or was I just who I was, and all this pondering about my different sides was just a useless waste of time?

The thick velvet curtains covered most of the windows and gave the room a dignified appearance. However, they were a bit heavy and thick. I wouldn't be staying here for long, anyway. I would have my own place in Maine, where I would spend my time.

I wasn't entirely sure if I would spend much time in that mansion in Maine or somewhere else. It would depend on how much my little plan would take me. But first, I had to work on improving my fitness a little bit so that it would be as perfect as possible. 

I sat there, lost in my thoughts. The heat had been enjoyable, something different. The experience of being pregnant and giving birth to those cubs was something I cherished. I had found joy in our plans, in how we had shown Damon and Mariella. But then, the infection came.

My happiness had to be paid for, and I couldn't help but think that the universe was teaching us all a lesson, not just me, but Damon and Mariella too. And then came the big question: would anything change once we returned? Would it simply be a reaction to my illness, their instinct to care for me? Or would it become something new, something that would shape my future? Would the Salvatores cling to me like a stubborn burdock or would Damon's possessiveness become overwhelming? Would Mariella become jealous?

So many questions and so few answers. This time, it wasn't just about me, although it was about me in a way. There was very little I could do about any of it. It would be their choice, their decisions, how they would react when we returned. Of course, the vampire heat and the holiday in Azores would give Mariella ample time to reconnect with them, to charm them.

Maybe nothing would change and I would be alone as always. Well, I had Wulfe and Magnum, but Damon's jealousy and possessiveness might keep them at a distance from me. And then there were the wolves, who would also be possessive if the girls came back.

And of course, if I had time to be alone, I would be as independent as ever, not in the mood to be a lap cat or a sex beast. But who knows? The future is unpredictable, and I wondered what plans awaited us when we finally reunited.

It was the beginning of October now, so vampire heat would start in November. After that, I had no idea when they would go to the Azores. I suspected it would be well into spring or early summer before we would be together again. And that was fine by me. I didn't mind.

I wanted some time for myself, and I wasn't sure yet if I would deviate from my original plan in Maine. However, let's see how I feel. I knew deep down that this new venture would consume me completely, and I might not do anything else other than what I had planned - and that would make me happy. The sarcastic question nagging at me was how on earth I would manage to stop this when it was time to go back to living in the pack. 

As I sat there, I raised my hand and examined it. It no longer resembled a skeleton; my hands were small and nimble. Yet, I still felt a lingering sense of powerlessness, an overwhelming exhaustion that I disliked. This feeling would remain etched in my memory for the rest of my life, and I knew there would be moments when I would feel just as weak, if not weaker.

But by God, I wanted to rid myself of that sensation and replace it with a feeling of power - the belief that anything is possible and nothing is impossible. That was one of my goals: to get myself in the best shape possible and maintain it. 

Perhaps I wouldn't be pregnant next year, so there wouldn't be any additional strain on me - or at least not that kind of strain. I would have time to enjoy my fitness, and my good health, and have an absolute blast. Only time would reveal what the future held for me.

I wasn't merely a blind fatalist; I actively sought change for myself. However, I also recognized that there were many aspects of my life that I had little control over. Those were the things I needed to accept, move on from, and learn to deal with.

Not everything in this world revolved around me, or at least I sincerely hoped not. I didn't want to be the center of the universe, so to speak. I desired to be on the sidelines, where I wouldn't be the one everyone turned to for answers or direction.

It's funny how I had been a leader for so long. It felt as natural to me as breathing. But sometimes, as leaders, we want to take a break from our roles and become followers. We don't want to make every single decision for ourselves.

So, I smiled and shook my head, realizing that my little plan wasn't really suitable for a sideline role. I would always be a leader, making decisions all day long. But maybe making those kinds of decisions wouldn't be so bad for me. Who knows what would come next in my messy life?

There is a time for everything, and right now, I wasn't in a sentimental mood. I was nice again and learned my lesson. It wasn't for me to have anyone permanent in my life, only myself. And that was fine.

I could do this and enjoy myself immensely in the process. There was nothing bad about it. I mean, living in a soap opera is tiresome. Me, deciding and living my own life, oh, the simple pleasures that would be out there for me. Nothing too weird, nothing too taxing, but only those things that made my soul sing.

I looked at my tattoo. It was the one thing that had taught me this lesson. This was my life, and I was the one living it. Not Damon, not Salvatores, not Mariella, but me. And it was up to me to make it the best version possible.