Regaining Composure

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." I say bleakly, looking at Alvana with a feeling of emptiness in my eyes. But my master, being omnipotent as she is...could always sense that something was wrong.

"Don't give me that bullsh*t and tell me what happened," She says, clicking her tongue and casting a magic barrier between us. "No one can listen to what you say next except me. So go ahead, tell me." She reassures, her eyes shining with determination.

If I don't say anything, she won't like it. 

And if I don't say anything, I also won't like it.

...I want to tell the truth. To shout it out...to let it all come out.

"I...I gave mercy to the wraith!" I shout, despite my stifled breath and my shuddering hands. "And I experienced a situation that would have led to death...and then I...I saw a part of myself I never wanted to see..." I answer back, looking at Alvana who was standing still and not walking any further.

She looks at me with concern, about to say something...but I wasn't done talking.

I couldn't even shut up for a second...as what came out of my mouth was caused by an involuntary action. "I saw my cowardly state...I wanted to be strong...but the next day, when I thought I would finally stop letting things hold me down...I hurt a person who wanted nothing but the best for me," I scoff to myself, finding this ridiculous. 

"Isn't that ridiculous?!" I shout once again, looking at her with bloodshot eyes that were directed to none other than Rodrick Leinart. The stupid boy who let his emotions get the better of him just because of having a bad day yesterday.

"And worst of all? Is that this whole world is just a game-- and that you, Rosalina, and Druvis are all just simulations made to fit the players..." I stop myself once again to breathe, not even looking at my master now. "And that I let myself get affected by all this...I hurt a very special person."

I'm continuining my rambles again.

"I hurt my mother...and I...my only salvation is through hurting myself..." I murmur softly, looking at Alvana with clouded eyes. "Is that not a good basis for suffering? I'll heal right back up...but I'll remember the pain. I'll etch it into my brain." 

There you go. I've said it. Exactly what I wanted to say.

My master only stares at me with nonchalance and lifts her firsts...to punch my face.

I deserve that.

"You're a damned idiot...I don't know why you otherwordly men always think of this world as a game...and treat the concept of life so sparingly..." She comes closer, punching me again. This time, on my stomach.

I don't mind. Any feeling of pain would only feel better...it would reassure me. It will make me feel like I've repent.

"But you're right! You're a coward," She responds with spite, her eyes squinted and carrying disgust.

"What?" I look at her, ironically thinking that she would never say that.

But what can I say? Even if I hate hearing it from other people's words, it didn't change the fact that it was true.

"You're using pain, your...power of being an immortal...to escape the guilt you've felt from your mistakes." She grips her spear tightly and points it on my neck. "You think that feeling pain...that dying will make you feel any better?" She scoffs, piercing my neck and letting blood seep slowly.

"Yes," I answer honestly.

But she only punches me again and lets go of her piercing on the spear.

"That's exactly why you're a coward! You're not afraid of pain...of dying because you have a power that transcends it. All of you men do!" She then backs away from me, causing me to feel alarmed.

Is she going to hit me? With an ultimate attack?

I...once again, I really don't mind if she does. 

...but she doesn't.

Instead, she's pointing the tip of her spear on her neck...a crazed look in her eyes. "This spear can end my life in seconds," She says without hesitation, digging the tip deeper on her neck.

She's bleeding now...and it's not something that's minor like she did to me earlier.

She shouldn't be doing this.

"Master, don't-- Please, I already learned my lesson...I won't hurt myself, I--" I say with shock, wondering why she was even doing this. I get it...she doesn't want me to hurt myself...but what was her point for taking it a step further? 

"No. You haven't. Take a look." She says, backing away further from me, getting closer to the edge of the barrier. I close my eyes, fearful of what's going to happen, but she reprimands me for doing so. "Open your eyes. I want you to see this moment. I won't be revived again if I do this," She chuckles, digging it even deeper.

I could sense it from then...the creeping feeling of blood falling down your body and drowning you with it.

...what is she doing? I don't...I already told her I learned my lesson!

I then come closer, enough to tackle her to the ground and stop her from piercing her spear into her neck...but when I do, I only fall to the ground and see her step to the side with a cheeky smile on her face.

But her smile immediately disappears when she looks at me.

"You're crying," She laughs, but it's stale...it's devoid of the usual playfulness that she always carried with her.

"I...NPCs like you...they will be gone forever if they get killed...why did you have to do that?" I say, my voice breaking softly.

She's insufferable, but she's also wise.

She's my wife's subordinate, but she's also my master.

I'm her disciple, but she's also someone who is under me.

And yet...despite this weird relationship between us, I've felt a sense of companionship with her for the past 11 days I've spent being her disciple. I've learned a lot from her, mostly about spearmanship.

But this day...this time I've spent seeing her lash out on me and do drastic things to me made me realize something very important.

She's not just an NPC to me...she's a precious friend. A master I look up to.

And so are the other NPCs I've met throughout my journey...from my wife, to those vendors in the outskirts of this city...and even to Druvis, who finally hatched yesterday.

I've learned and experienced a lot throughout 2 weeks of playing this game.

And a realization dawns upon me...that this game, and its NPCs...

"I...I don't want any of you to die...I don't want to lose any of you..." I say desperately, crying at the ground. Tears flow down once again...but this time I'm feeling real shame.

I'm doing this in public...a place where everyone is going to see me. It reminds me of memories I had when I was still in high school...I can feel it then. She's going to be laughing at me...after all, who doesn't? A man, crying in public...it's something to be shunned for.

But she doesn't laugh. 

She comes to me and pets my hair.

"Now you understand," She sighs with clear exhaustion in her voice. "Disciple Rodrick...neither the madam, nor I, want you to lose your sanity...or your composure," She smiles, placing her hand on her neck and healing herself.

"What you've felt earlier-- the desperation of being useless, and seeing a person you care about...fall to the pits of insanity...it's the worst type of feeling that any person can experience," She continues. "I don't get what being an 'NPC' means...but even if you claim that I, the madam, and everyone else here is one...then sure, we are one."

"But we do feel. This world, which you and many others claim to be a 'game' is something that exists," She says, her voice vulnerable and weak. It's an emotion I've never seen her purposively show to me. "Everyone here is a coward themselves...they are afraid of seeing people they care about get hurt."

...and she's right.

So what if the world of Belunia...the world in 'Charming Beauties' is just a game?

It doesn't mean that I have to treat it that way...the people in here...and the world that this place was built on are made entirely on the concept that it exists.

So if I get hurt...if I go on and do reckless things...I will affect not only myself, but also the people around me.

"Master...I understand." I whisper softly, composing myself and wiping my tears. "I'll continue on my day...thank you for the lesson," I bow in a 90 degree angle, as she smirks with satisfaction.

"I'll continue challenging Wraith's Bequeath and finish my lesson...I'll do it properly this time." I tell her, but she only grows alarmed. I don't let it bother me and try to grab my spear...but she snatches it from the ground and smirks.

She then asks me something, a sly smile playing on her lips. "I'll give it to you if you can answer my question...what doesn't make you a coward? Is it through life, or death?" 

"Death? It should be courageous to give up your life for..." I answer honeslty, but she only shakes her head and cuts me off my thoughts.

"No, you're a dummy. It's to live...to live until the day when the grim reaper comes to pick you up." She scoffs, unimpressed by my replies. "Haven't you learned anything? Dying and suffering endlessly is the life of a coward...of someone who believes that feeling constant pain is the only way to repent," She smirks, pointing to me.

"But to push through the feeling of resentment and misery by living life in constant turmoil...of living your best life to atone for every bad thing you've done and eventually growing comfortable whilst being disturbed...it's the best way to show courage," She then points to herself.

...her words confuse me. I still don't get it...why would that be the courageous option? Wouldn't actually suffering do a better job at atonement?

"You still don't understand my words...but you have a long life ahead of you," She laughs with mirth and paths my shoulders. "But that shouldn't matter, you've learned what I wanted you to learn in Wraith's Bequeath," She smiles merrily, causing me to frown.

"...you mean experiencing a near-death experience?!" I exclaim.

"No! Aura!" She smiles.

...what?

"Aura? What aura? I'm supposed to learn it?" I ask, and she only stares at me with shock...the barrier on us suddenly dropping as she lets her guard down.