The Weight Of Memories

Finally done with High school, those boring, lonely days with uncaring friends - if I actually did have any.

I recently graduated from high school, continuously living my boring old life at home, waking up, eating, sleeping, coming online. No friends, nobody to hang out with, bla bla bla.

I get I'm a bit introverted, okay not a bit. I'll admit I'm fully introverted, but doesn't the world accept us for who we truly are?

Finding it difficult to express ourselves with lot of faces in our direction, having little or no friends, mostly indoors, observing the world from our own comfort zone.

Well sometimes, I wish I could just be the normal, happy and fun little girl I had always been back at primary school.

If I could switch positions with my old self, life would have been a lot easier for me to express myself back at high school.

"Mandy, Mandy!" Someone calls my name. Who's that?, Can't I have some alone moments of peace in this house?.

Well, I didn't mention the fact I've a got a warm loving family.  They're like my comfort zone, I'm always myself around them.

Compared to when I was in high school, I was always this 'wild child' at home, and still am. The part of me my outside world doesn't recognize.

"Mandy!" The voice continues.

I know who that is, my brother - Nonso. What does he want from me this time?.

"Mandy, are you deaf?" The door swings open, revealing my 13 years old younger brother, dressed in his favorite short and shirt, his eyes blazing with fury.

I sigh, dropping my diary on the bed. "What?"

"Dad's calling you. Come down now." He leaves without even closing the door. What a fool.

I get down from the bed, heading straight to the living room.

It's just a very small distance from my room, since we are basically living in a bungalow with just three rooms.

One for my brothers - Nonso and Peter. Another for my parents, and one more for me and my two older sisters, who are currently in the university.

"Evening Dad." I walk to sit in a sofa opposite him, watching him fully engrossed in the football match he's watching on our big tv screen.

"Dad, uhm dad. You called for me." I reach out to tap him.

"Dad"

He flinches, his brows furrowed as he adjusts to look at me.

"What?"

"You called for me remember?"

"Oh, that's true," his former composure returns, adjusting to sit properly with the remote control in his hand.

"So, Amanda. Are you prepared to take this post utme exam?. Have you been reading really well?" He adjusts his glasses, bending his head to look at me with his bare eyes.

"Uhh yeah. I've been reading."

"You didn't answer the first question. Are you prepared?"

"Yes na"

"Hmph. Are you sure?" He adjusts in his seat.

"I am. I've been reading really well, I'll pass this exam so don't worry"

"Good. Have you started packing your things?, We're leaving very early tomorrow morning. And by three on the dot, you must be up from bed."

"Yeah, I would set an alarm"

"Very good, you can go now"

I stand up, heading back to my room, returning to the comfort of my bed.

Now back to what I was writing earlier.

"Life can just be so unfair sometimes, sitting at home all day with thoughts of those who don't matter In my mind. Their hurtful words and actions lingering in my head after...

  "Amandaaa!"

Oh mercies, what now?. My family can also be a bit disturbing, and I'm finding it really annoying at the moment.

"Amanda." The door swings opens, revealing my fifteen-years old brother, Peter.

"What, what do you want?" I asked.

"Uhm can you borrow me your mathset and calculator?" He asked, stepping further into the room.

"Did I say you could come in?"

He steps back "I'm sorry, please borrow me," he said.

 "Ah geez!." I set my diary aside and pull out my mathset with the calculator by my bedside table. "Come take it," I stretch it to him.

"Thank you." He steps in and takes it.

"Close the door on your way out," I told him.

 "Okay. Wishing you exam success." he said.

"Thanks"

Ah geez!, I'm all out of words now.

I lye to face the ceiling, my hands under my head.

My bags are packed, and the clothes that I'll be wearing tomorrow is set. Everything is ready, yet I'm still feeling nervous. Why is that?.

I've gone through a lot of post utme past questions and textbooks.

I'm sure I'm ready for this exam, but why do I still feel nervous?. It's not like the exam is tomorrow, I still have two more days to go before my exam, a lot of time to read again, but I still feel nervous.

This feeling known as "anxiety," has caused some heartbreaking moments in my life.

I still remember when I was told to give my prefectship manifesto during the school assembly.

I was shaking, my hands were trembling, and I completely forgot everything I was going to  say. I held a paper that I was going to read from, but we were told to keep it aside and speak directly to the people.

Nobody could here me talk. The only person who could barely hear me was the teacher standing next to me.

I literally cried secretly, after not being able to express myself even after countless practice and efforts to face the crowd.

So many memories of high school that I wish I could relive over and over, till I finally correct those mistakes I made are still lingering in my mind.

I just so hate anxiety, It really pains me to know that I can't control it.

People think it's easy. They think it's just like waking up one morning and deciding to overcome it.

I still remember those words they said to me in highschool, fresh in my head.

"Come out of your shell"

  "Why're you so quiet?"

  "You're weak hearted"

   "Why are you slow?"

    "You're so boring"

    "Speak louder, no one hears you"

   "Don't you have friends?"

It's not as easy as they think. We know what we go through everyday, but who are we to complain to?.

We were built this way, and that I've come to terms with.

So why didn't my classmates accept me the way I was?.

Why was I left alone without no friends, throughout those six years of my life in high school?.

Why did I get to sit alone during our break periods, watching other kids playing, chatting and laughing with each other?.

I sigh, feeling my eye lids growing heavy.

I can't keep living with those memories In my head, but any little event could trigger those memories. Well, I'm just glad it's all over, and I hope and pray that the university is different.

"Amanda!"

My eyes instantly shoots open, my heart beating loudly and my breath heavy. What happened?.

"You are not ready?"

It takes a moment for my brain to come to the present. I was supposed to be ready by now or we'll miss the bus. It didn't even feel like I slept at all.

I instantly sit up, my heart still beating fast at the sudden barging into my room while I was asleep.

"I'm giving you ten minutes. You better be ready by then." He said and stormed out of my room, closing the door.

"Oh no!" I reach out to check the time on my phone. It's just four am. I should have been ready by now. Why did I wake up so late?.

I quickly got out of bed and run straight to brush my teeth, hastily but properly. Did I not set an alarm?.

I take my bath, making sure to scrub every part of my body properly to avoid any unwanted body odour.

I apply my body cream as I stare at my reflection in the mirror, hoping my mum Isn't already ready before me because she is the one taking me to the east for my exam.

I slip into the clothes I had set out last night, a blue jeans and jacket, with an orange sleeveless top, along with my black socks and sneakers.

Everything is ready, including me. And my mum hasn't called me, meaning she is still dressing or busy with something.

I set out to the living room, the lights are off and my parents aren't here.

I turn it on and settle down on a sofa, along with the school bag that had my clothes in, and some other things I'll be needing. Including my phone, nestled in my pocket.

There is no hope for me having breakfast or we would be late. So we'll just buy something on the way.

"You're ready?" I heard someone say, my mum.

"Yes," I said, standing up.

"Let's go," my dad said, stepping into the living room, looking all refreshed like he is also traveling with us.

"Did you pack everything very well?" He asked me.

"Yeah I did."

"Good. Take this." He stretches his hands towards me, holding onto to some thousand naira notes.

I walk over, collecting the money from him. I count it, it's ten thousand naira. Woah!

"Thank you," I smile.

"Hmm. I fried potatoes and plantains, with tomatoe sauce and beef on them. They're with your mum. Eat it when you're hungry." He said, reaching out for his phone in his pocket.

"Thank you so much." I said to him.

"Oyanu." I heard my mum say.

"Let's go," my dad told me, helping us to carry the bag with foodstuffs we are going to give my sisters in their school.

With everything set, we walk out of our living room.

The sky is still dark, but I can still see because of our outdoor light.