Autumn Depression

We reopened the bookstore today after a five-day break. No one could have anticipated just how much people missed this place. From early morning, the doorbell has been ringing incessantly, the space filled with lively chatter. We've been working non-stop, and the unexpected customer surge means everyone at home has to pitch in.

Even after closing, there's no time to relax. My shift ends only as the sun begins to set. My head buzzes from the day's noise, so I step outside for fresh air. Seasons have never meant much to me, but for some reason, I wonder if anything has changed with autumn's arrival.

I step out the door with a can in hand, but stop, realizing that my spot on the bench in front of the bookstore is already taken. For a while, I watch Kaja sitting there, looking unusually thoughtful. She's hunched over, her head lowered, staring at her worn white sneakers, continuously drawing something invisible on the pavement. I approach, making sure not to startle her, and sit beside her.

"Why the long face?" I ask half-jokingly, letting her know she has company.

Kaja glances at me with a faint smile and shifts slightly to give me more room.

"Maybe it's autumn depression?" she jokes, but her tone suggests something deeper.

I study her, wondering if I should ask what's on her mind, but the words don't come.

"It's only September third. Isn't it a bit early for that?" I raise an eyebrow. "What's going on? You know you can talk to me."

She nods, but no words follow. I decide not to press her. Instead, I glance across the street. My suspicion is confirmed—nothing's changed. The leaves haven't turned yellow yet, the evening air is warm, and the sky is clear. If not for the calendar, you'd think summer was still holding on. The thought is comforting.

"Nate," Kaja's voice pulls me back to the present. "Have you ever thought about living a normal life?"

I turn to face her. "If you asked anyone else, they'd probably say the same thing. Yeah, I've thought about it. More than once."

And more often than I'd like to admit. 

"What would it look like?"

"I don't know," I say after a pause. "I'd want to be someone else. Someone without a tragic past. Start over, be honest... with myself and everyone else."

I imagine a version of myself unburdened by mistakes, untouched by greed, and incapable of causing harm. For some reason, Cody's face unexpectedly pops into my head. I picture us sitting in a university cafeteria, laughing over trivial worries. How wonderful it would be to live without demons, powers, and all the rest...

"Same," Kaja murmurs. "It feels selfish to say, especially since I'm probably the luckiest of us all, but... being what I am makes everything so much more complicated." She sighs and nudges a stray stone with her foot.

Her words remind me of something Arthur once said and my heart aches. Kaja is no longer a child. She's stepping into the complex-thinking adult world.

"I didn't know it was this hard for you," I say gently. "I'm sorry."

"It's hard for everyone," she replies. "But lately, I keep thinking about things outside of work. And I know I shouldn't. There's no time for that."

"You're really that worried about grades?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

Kaja rolls her eyes. "God, Nate, are you really that dense?" she says, but there's a trace of a smile.

I grin, scratching my temple. "Maybe a little," I admit with a chuckle.

Her smile fades, giving way to a serious expression as she sits quietly for a moment. "There's a guy in my class. We've been talking, and I like spending time with him. But yesterday, he asked me out."

My eyes widen in surprise. I honestly feel like an idiot for not realizing what might be going on in a sixteen-year-old's mind. But somehow, I wasn't expecting this kind of situation from Kaja.

"So, what did you say?" I ask, trying to keep my voice steady and not laugh at my obliviousness.

"I ran away."

"You what?" I exclaim, louder than intended.

"I didn't know what to say," she murmurs, kicking another pebble.

"But why? I thought you liked him."

"I do," she admits. "But... imagine dating someone, making excuses every time a hunt comes up, hiding this huge part of yourself. And one day, when something goes wrong, I'd just vanish. It wouldn't be fair to him."

We both fall silent. Kaja's words hit closer than I'd like, as her struggles mirror mine. Still, I pull back and reconsider her situation, which still holds possibilities.

"You still have a chance," I say finally. "No one's going to let you die, and the rest... the rest can be sorted out. Besides," I add with a smirk, "you could always wipe a memory or two if it goes to shit."

Kaja laughs, her mood lifting slightly. "You really think so?"

I nod. "Definitely."

She looks at me for a moment, then asks, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why haven't you tried it? Dating, I mean. After all these years, hasn't anyone made you want to give it a shot?"

I freeze. The can in my hand suddenly feels heavier.

"There is someone," I admit quietly. "But my situation's different. Right now, I can't give them what they need. I can't offer the stability or peace they're looking for. And... it would destroy me if I ruined everything for them." I pause, the weight of my words sinking in. "I'm stuck, drowning in all my shit, and I can't drag them into that. Not when they deserve so much more than this broken version of me."

Kaja clutches her chest dramatically. "Ouch. Who hurt you so badly?"

I smile faintly. "Probably me. I always dig myself holes I can't get out of."