Ch. 21: My Fault?

After the court had dispersed, I had slipped away to find Strubin and talk to him. It was roughly three o'clock when I found him at the entrance of the palace, and to my surprise he was with Kirune.

Strubin lifted his head when I let out a low whistle, and his eyes brightened. "Av!"

"Hey, Stru," I hopped down from the ledge I was perched on and strode over to them. "Listen. I need to talk to you."

Beside him, Kirune lifted his hood, straddling a staff across his shoulders. "I heard about the trial earlier," He murmured, pushing a strand of white hair from his face. "I'm still baffled. Both about your brother and the Queen's decree. It doesn't make sense."

"Well… yes, but…" I felt my face flush red as my gaze flickered to Strubin. "Stru, I don't suppose you were in there for the whole thing…?"

"Oh, I was." He laughed, scratching behind his ear. "Don't worry; I heard everything."

My heart stopped, and I hung my head despondently. "Then I guess you heard what the Prince said."

Strubin noticed my expression and looked confused for a moment, then seemed to snap to attention. Immediately his face hardened. "I've had a feeling that the Prince was drawn to you. For quite some time, actually. But I know you had nothing to do with it."

"Then you're not upset with me?"

"Not at all!" He pushed a stray hair from my face, his thumbs brushing over my cheeks softly. His eyes glimmered gold as our gazes met. "Aven, listen. I know you've only had eyes for me. The Prince doesn't realize that we're meant for one another. Not yet, anyway."

Kirune watched our exchange awkwardly, and as Strubin turned to him, looking for affirmation, he coughed and backed away. "I-if you're looking for any advice about your… situation…" The blue aetyr sputtered, "Then don't come to me. I know next to nothing about the sort."

Strubin chuckled. "You're fine, Kirune. Do you happen to know what time it is?"

As Kirune opened his mouth to speak, suddenly I could hear the loud gong of the clock tower, not far in the center of the city.

"Three o'clock!" Strubin grinned. "Looks like I'm on break. Aven, why don't you and I go on a little walk?"

I shrugged. "Sounds good to me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We strode through the palace gardens until we reached a somewhat secluded area, and there we stopped to sit. A large willow tree stretched its branches over a small bubbling pool, and under its shade we sat to talk.

"Strubin…" I began. "I'm sorry."

He glanced at me. "For what?"

I rested my head on my hands despondently. "I feel like I've failed Abarin. And you. All of us."

"Don't think like that," He soothed, grasping my shoulder and massaging gently. "You've done nothing wrong. It was your brother's fault."

"But what if I was the one who pushed him to do what he did?"

He cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

I searched my thoughts, trying to figure out how to put this into words. My eyes welled up and a small sob escaped my lips. "...When Dad left, he looked to me to fulfill his destiny. He didn't tell Arius that he was going to become somebody, do great things. He only told me." I looked up at Strubin. He seemed thoughtful but didn't say anything, so I continued, "Maybe I drove him to hate me because… I hated him. Or that's how he saw me."

"So you're saying that he hated you because he thought you hated him?"

"I don't know." I sniffled and brushed a stray tear from my cheek. "Maybe he hated me because he was jealous. Jealous that I butted in on everything and kicked him out. I made myself the center of attention. That's what happened at the Assessment Ceremony in Gatesborn, remember? I screwed up and ended up getting to sit with Illesior, while Arius was put up to my expectations by Vrotaz."

"Aven, stop." Strubin's voice suddenly became tinged with anger, and I flinched. He growled. "You need to stop feeling guilty for what your brother did. Nothing you did made him do anything."

"WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!" I shrieked, leaping to my feet and snarling in his face. "I'm trying to figure things out! I'm thinking out loud! Just sit and listen!" My voice dropped to a whimper. "I don't… I don't need your input, Strubin."

Strubin looked like he was going to shout something back at me in return, but then his face softened. "I'm sorry." He murmured, flicking his ears back.

"No." I stared at the ground despondently, feeling guilty. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have yelled at you, or made a pity party for myself."

"I forgive you, Aven." He purred as he nuzzled my ears, eliciting a flush of red in my face. "I love you, remember? I always will, no matter what you do. You could destroy The Capital and I'd still be your partner in crime."

"No, you wouldn't!" I swatted at him, laughing. "You liar! You're a good boy, through and through! If anything you'd be the one to get me thrown in jail."

Strubin leaned back, placing his hand to his heart and looking shocked. "Oh, you wound me, darling!" He moaned. "Treating your one love like dirt! We've been through thick and thin and you still think I'd betray you! Oh, my heart!"

"Shut up!"

We laughed for a little while, then when I had finally caught my breath I said, "You know, Strubin, I have an idea."

"Ooh! Would that be giving yours truly a kiss?" He waggled his eyebrows playfully until I swatted at him again.

"SHUT UP! No, it's not that, you dingus." I leaned against him, closing my eyes thoughtfully. "I'm thinking that I should try and make things right."

The laughter died from Strubin's eyes, and he became somber. "Sweetheart, if this is about your brother…"

"Look, I know you have a different opinion than I do," I countered, "But something just occurred to me. Maybe Dad didn't want just me to carry on his legacy. Maybe he said that to me so that Arius and I could become stronger together." I stared up into the trees wistfully. "I just wish I knew where I failed, so I can make things right."

Strubin pulled me gently onto him so that my head rested on his chest. I could feel the rise and fall of his steady breathing as he spoke. "Aven, I just want you to know that… none of what he did was your fault. You were young. Both of you were. But… whatever you're planning to do-" And here he nuzzled my mane affectionately- "And I KNOW you, Aven, so don't even try to hide it- just know that I'll be here for you. I'm here to support you and keep you up." He kissed the top of my head. "Just like what you did for me."

I nuzzled my face into his chest. "I know, big guy."

He chuckled softly. "No offense, but maybe you could give me a better name than 'Big Guy'. Maybe something with a little more pizzazz, like… Handsome Devil?"

"How about I bite your ear off, Jumbo?"

"Hey, whoa there, Sugar!" Strubin laughed. "No need to get so feisty!" He swatted at me lightly as I crawled on top of him, nibbling at his ear. Immediately I stuck my tongue out. "Bleh! You taste like grass!"

Strubin's eyes widened and he burst out laughing, doubling over. "Grass? What's that supposed to mean? Oh, you wound me, darling! How could you?" Suddenly he flipped over and pinned me down on my back, leaning in to lick at my ear. "Mmm, you taste like vanilla, my sweet," He murmured.

My face flushed bright red. "Get off, you big lug!"

"I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I were to… bite off a little piece!" He nipped particularly hard and in response I kicked his abdomen, pummeling him with my legs. "I said, get off!"

Strubin laughed and got off, rolling backwards. "As you wish, my little cloud."

I froze at his words. Strubin noticed and his expression became serious. "What's wrong, Av?"

"L-little cloud…" I stammered. "That's what… that's what Dad used to call me."

His face softened. "Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart," He murmured. "I won't call you that again, if it bothers you."

I sat up, staring at the ground. "...I really don't know how I feel," I muttered, flicking my ears back. "It just… brought back memories, is all."

Strubin crawled over to me and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him. "Av, sweetheart, if there's anything that I do that bothers you in any way, let me know. I don't want to hurt you. I want you to feel safe and loved. That's all I ever want." I looked up at him, tears brimming at the edges of my eyes. His face softened and he nuzzled me affectionately. "I love you, Av."

I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, embracing him. "I love you too." I grinned. "Handsome Devil."

His eyes brightened. "There it is! I knew you had it in you!" Before I knew what was happening he had pulled me into a kiss, grasping the sides of my head as he held me in place.

Finally he pulled away, grinning widely. "I've been looking forward to that all day," He purred, flicking my nose gently. "Just seeing you makes me want to-"

"I don't want to know." I felt my face growing red for the billionth time today as I placed my hand over his mouth. Then it felt even hotter when I felt his tongue stick out. "HEY!"

He pulled back, looking sheepish. "I can't help it. You taste delicious, my darling."

I turned red. "SHUT UP! Or I'm starving you!"

He looked dejected again, and he rolled on his back, holding his heart. "Oh, how cruel! Oh, I'm wounded!"

I slid off my satchel and threw it at him. "You big old drama queen!"

He continued to roll around, pretending to writhe in pain. Suddenly I heard the loud gong of the clock tower in the distance, and Strubin immediately sat up.

"My break's up," He muttered, crawling to his feet. He glanced at me apologetically. "Sorry, Sugar. I have to get back on shift."

My heart melted as I leaned against him. "It's okay. I'll walk with you."

His eyes shined. "How could I turn down the offer? Come along, then."

I got up, and we left the secluded pool by the willow tree, following the path out of the garden and reaching the gates once again. This time the entrance was guarded by two White Manes I didn't recognize, and Strubin waved to them.

One of them nodded to him and handed him a spear, then left. After Strubin adjusted the weapon he turned to me and smiled sheepishly. "You don't have to stay with me, sweetheart. It's going to be a bit boring for you."

"I know." I gave him a hug. "I actually had something else I needed to do, anyway." Before he could say anything else I leaned up to plant a kiss on his cheek. "See you, big guy."

He placed his hand to his cheek where I had kissed him, grinning. "Whatever happened to the other nickname?"

I didn't answer him; I just turned and leaped up onto the railing that lined the path to the gates, then climbed a few more stones and soon the gate was out of sight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I snuck into a kitchen that laid within the palace walls and, when one of the cooks wasn't looking, stole a loaf of freshly baked bread off a table. I stole away before anyone could notice.

I raced through the halls and found a stairway that led down beneath the main palace, where the end stretched into blackness. I shivered; a stiff coldness was lingering in the air.

I quickly looked around to make sure that nobody could see what I was doing, then began to descend the stairway.

I walked for what felt like hours, while the stiff coldness seeped into my bones and the darkness never grew brighter. Yet I was reluctant to cast a spell to create light, because if I did then I was likely to be spotted by a guard of some sort.

Finally the light began to brighten, albeit a very cold, dark light. Suddenly the stairway ended and I found myself in a vast network of channels and cells. The dungeons were huge, and while I was still at the top I could sense the sheer height and size of the place.

I strode to the railing and looked down. A thick haze lingered so that I couldn't see the bottom, but dark red lights shone dimly, dotted every so often by the cells that were occupied. I shivered. This was a terrible place.

And yet I knew what I needed to do.

"Dukalis," I whispered. "I know that I haven't contacted you since the battle, but are you still here?"

I am, Aven. I felt his presence envelop me. There is no need to be afraid. I am here.

I exhaled softly. "Good. Look, I'm sorry that I haven't talked to you about the trial or Illesior's decision, but there's something I need to do."

Of course. Dukalis sounded surprised. But what's this 'trial' you're talking about? I'm afraid I've been asleep during this time. Care to fill me in?

I sighed. "We don't have much time. Basically Arius tried to kill me on the day of the battle, and I was knocked out for a week. Illesior came to visit me and I told him what happened, so earlier they held a trial for Arius."

Was he punished?

"Hardly. The Queen found him not guilty but punished him anyway because Illesior was mad at him. He's stuck down here in the dungeons for another week or so. Then they're going to shave his mane, take away his position and have him do community service."

Dukalis snorted. That doesn't make any sense. Either you're guilty or not guilty. There shouldn't be an in-between.

"Try telling that to the Queen." I steadied myself on the railing, trying to see if I could spot anybody. "But that's besides the point. I need you to scan the dungeons and see if you can find Arius."

Why are you looking for him? Are you seeking revenge?

I paused for a moment. "...No, not really." Strangely enough, I wasn't upset. Not with him, anyway.

Then why are you looking for him? Dukalis pressed. Are you angry?

"No. If anything, I… I'm angry with myself."

And why is that?

"I wish I could've done something to prevent this," I confessed, feeling the tears bubble up inside again. "I wish I could've told him how I felt. He's been upset with me ever since Dad left. But the truth is, I… I think he's… lonely."

Dukalis was quiet for a while. I know what that feels like.

"I know." I pulled out his book from my satchel and opened it, releasing his spirit so that we could see each other face-to-face. "But, I… I helped you, didn't I? I hope that I can do the same for him." I sniffled. "He's all I have left."

"You have Strubin," Dukalis said gently. "And the Prince. And your allies: Sophi, Kirune, and me. You have more than you realize, Aven."

"You're right. But you have to remember that he's the only family I have." I wiped the tears from my eyes. "I want to save that."

Dukalis only blinked at me. "...I admire your resolve, Aven, but I fear that now may be too late."

My face hardened. "Not if I can help it." I whipped around and stared over the railing again. "Now, come on. Let's go look for him."