Regrets Of A Dying Pervert

It's said that death comes quite suddenly and that one could never really prepare for it. No matter how much time you spend worrying about it, it's uncertain when exactly the final hours of our lives will come. 

For me, I never expected that death would come for me in such a way. I was just lying in my seat on my daily bus ride home, in my mind, all I had were thoughts on how I was going to spend the rest of my dull and boring Friday night when it happened. 

Just as the bus was about to enter my neighbourhood after passing a traffic light, a truck suddenly came speeding by. I don't know how the idiot driving it didn't realise he was moving too fast, and that his truck won't be able to stop in time or maybe he was suddenly unaware that his brakes weren't working. 

Whatever the reason was, it ultimately doesn't matter, the outcome can't be changed but hey, at least I deserve a chance to be resentful about something one last time right... 

'Haah what a cliche way to die James' I can't help but think as to how unlucky I am for such a thing to befall me. 

I was the only passenger left, and of all the places it could've crashed into, why did it have to be on my side of the bus, couldn't they have at least swerved the truck and hit the back of the bus or something?? 

Something else that I really feel resentful about is that even after such a serious crash that sent my body and maybe some parts of the bus flying to God knows where, there's still a little sliver of consciousness keeping me awake just enough for me to vividly experience the pain occurring throughout my body right now...or what's left of it in this case. 

The only semblance of good news with regards to this situation and what's easing the aching pain I am feeling right now, is that I can slowly... slowly but surely, I can feel myself falling into something. 

It feels as if I am about take a nice and long little nap after an exhausting day, but I know for certain that there's not a shot for me to wake up this time. I can feel my impending doom inching ever so closely as the seconds go by and what's strange is that if somebody else were to be in this position, I'm certain that they would be feeling a great bout of unwillingness but for me, there's no such thing. 

I can remember reading somewhere that when you die, you can experience your life's most brilliant moments flashing by as if you were in some beautiful dream but for me... again, there's no such thing. 

All I see are memories of my uneventful life passing by in my head, the only thing I can think is truly... what was the point of it all? There was nothing really special about me apart from my looks. 

Ah! My looks... 

Some people would often say that was the greatest gift that I was possibly blessed with and yet with the life I've lived with them, I'm pretty sure I spent a great amount of time thinking that this was nothing more than a curse. 

Maybe everything might've not have been all that bad if I wasn't stuck with a height of around 5ft 5 that all but pretty much stopped growing at around 16. 

So now, at the age of 21, I'm practically a midget in the eyes of other men in my age group and all my other work colleagues, yet due to my annoyingly feminine looks, I turn heads whenever I enter a room. 

It's not that much of a bad thing to be honest but It really would've been much easier for me to accept and appreciate all my womanly features if I never had to lug around a way above average cock between my legs but obviously, my cock wasn't what people could use as a first impression of me after all. 

What most individuals would see would be my silky smooth curly brown hair that fell to my back (that always grew back quickly, not matter how frequently I cut it), my soft but stupidly cute facial features, a stupid body that makes it absurdly difficult to gain any muscle whatsoever, shredding any hopes I had about possibly looking anything that would slightly resemble the term 'masculine' so I just lost all hope in my teenage years and let my body develop into the way it wanted to, leaving me now with a splendidly slim waist and small curves making way to a small but perky rear. I really hate whichever Higher Being thought it was such a great idea to make me be a guy with such looks and not a woman. 

This inherently led to me to bearing the lustful gazes of my fellow gender on a daily basis and the jealous gazes of other women and those who weren't jealous and I tried to get close to, ended up relegating me to what I guess would be the friend zone or sister zone in my case. 

'Heh, how depressing' 

Naturally, those women did end up treating me as a 'sister' in the truest sense of the word. Coming to confide in me all the little problems and how they would also come cry about their unhappy relationships with men and how some of them are severely lacking in the size department. 

When I tried to imply to a few of them that they are free to use mine, they always laughed in my face, telling me to not be silly and patting me on the shoulder. 

It was then I realised it may be impossible for women to see me as a desirable partner and I was irrationally afraid of the prospect of being with my fellow gender. 

This eventually led to me trying to hide my features to not garner attention so I can happily stay off people's radar, which ended up working in out in a way... well somewhat. 

Somewhere down the line I developed some stupid insecurities which ultimately led me leading a secluded life away from others which then in turn led to the downward spiral that was my daily life... 

... 

I woke up early every morning to go and do a job I truly had no interest in doing. I had nothing remotely interesting going for me in my life. I had no family, no close friends, no car, hell not even a pet. 

I lived in a decent, but overall crappy apartment with a rent too high for the standard of living it provides. I had no particularly interesting hobbies, just things that could serve as a distraction like watching the occasional popular anime or when I would seldomly go online and read some wish fulfilment novels or browsing the internet. 

Most of my nights I spent falling deeper and deeper into degeneracy, reading all kinds of porn right before I go to bed and where I would wake up and start the cycle all over again. 

There would be times where I would stop and wonder to myself 

 'Would my life be much more entertaining if there was some sort of grand dream or aspiration that I was slowly working towards'.  

If there was something I could truly sink my teeth into, something that could serve as a constant reminder that the life I am living now is just a necessary sacrifice for the happiness or success that will come after everything is all said and done, just so when that time comes one day, I could've looked back at these monotonous days that I had grown accustomed to live on a daily basis and thought to myself that 'Yeah, it really was all worth it'. 

'Maybe my life would have had some kind of meaning after all but alas...' 

I at least hoped that there would be something I could brag to my parents' about if there's even a sliver of a chance that I join them up in heaven and yet this sorry excuse for a son is nothing but an utter disappointment with all I have to show for my existence is that I lived a peaceful yet boring life. 

... 

The only somewhat good thing that came out of all of this is that right now, in my final moments, as I feel myself gradually succumb to the sensation of death. 

I now no longer have to lie to myself and can finally and wholeheartedly say that every time I recall having to endure all those lustful and passionate gazes from other guys...deep down I really, really, REALLY enjoyed it. 

When I was out in public or more specifically when I was out at night, nights like today when I would head home relatively late after work. Where I would walk through the city streets, heading to my bus stop. 

As I walked past some people, I could practically feel those who have unsavoury desires about me as clear as day, the lust in their eyes exceedingly palpable causing me to visibly shiver and tremble when their gazes roamed all over my body yet I desperately tried to hide it, whether that was in fear or anticipation of what they would do to me, I think it's pretty clear now. 

There were times where I found some small sliver of bravery and looked them in the eye, trying to see if I could at least them make recoil from their actions and yet even though it might have been just a few times, I can never forget the intense emotions in those gazes... 

I could see it and I knew it deep in my heart that if they ever were to get the chance...in those quiet and lonely streets, some of them would've taken me right then and there without a shadow of a doubt. 

And now as I take my last breath... 

From the deepest recesses of my soul... 

I really wish they did... 

I really wish they forcibly took me home with them and turned me into a hot slutty mess as they use me in any which way that they pleased. 

Oh God, I really wonder why didn't they??? 

Maybe that would've been the wake-up call to break out of my shell so I can live and enjoy the blessing of this body I was given... but alas...here I am dying on some side of the road without ever having the chance to experience the soft, lovely touch of a woman's body or even better... 

Experiencing the delight of stuffing my face into a man's crotch as they rigorously and mercilessly mess up my throat where they would then pat my head and telling me what a good girl I am as they paint my face white with their juices...maybe the feeling would've been as exhilarating as the many, many times I fantasised about it, staining my sheets as I jerked myself off to gender-bent porn every night, lying and telling myself... 

It's just pixels on a screen, this is in no way a representation of my deepest, repressed desires now is it... 

Yet, deep down, I could feel it, my body was begging me, urging me and wishing for it to the be one in those scenes experiencing all those things... 

Isn't it an injustice that I died without ever once experiencing such a thing 

At least it's comforting that death cares not for any of my regrets and that they will die with me as well, never to see the light of day.