20. SELF-REPROACH

Hate was a strong word, a big word apparently. It could change a situation from the lowest to its highest, or the other way around. But what the word affects greatly is the person it's headed for, it could be someone you have hated, or someone you just want to hate.

The silent room was now filled with a cackling laugh from Jayce. She was wheezing in tears, and Ashton had no idea what was funny.

"Why are you laughing-?" Ashton flinched.

"I'm sorry," she laughed like a witch, "Say that to my face again,"

"Say what?"

"Say 'Do you wanna be my girlfriend?'" she repeated in his voice, then started laughing again.

Ashton curled his lip in confusion, he was being serious. In a way he didn't want to.

"Oh, geez," Jayce said with his tense look, "You really mean it," she bit her lip in awkwardness.

"Kind of," he shrugged.

"This is the weirdest confession I've ever had,"

"This is the weirdest confession I've ever made,"

"Answer is no," she smiled. She was smarter than falling into another trap. Because Ashton Walker didn't take anything for granted.

If there was a good side, there was always a bad side.

~~~

Jaxon and Ashton's conversation

"What do you mean our target is Jayce Brooks? What the hell are you planning?" Ashton furrowed.

"Her father is a detective, and we're not getting anywhere without her," Jaxon justified, "So I need you to date her and take her heart and get all that access to power,"

"You wanna use her," Ashton started, "Again?"

"You used her first,"

"Well she used me as well," he replied, "I am not having another misunderstanding with her,"

"It's for Eric, come on," he whined, "She really wants to find Eric's killer, considering the fact that she was almost killed by that exact killer earlier,"

"You're literally suggesting that I should use her because of her father's position,"

"And her intelligence, you and I both know with her we can solve the literal case,"

"Yeah, and also because of her power in the law division. I'm not using her at all, the killer would hurt her if I stick with someone they don't like," Ashton explained, "The killer is an obsessed freak who's literally rich,"

"But with Jayce, we get free passes to the investigation, and free protection," Jaxon debated, "I'm not going to die in peace until we find Eric's killer,"

But Ashton knew of the reason he should do this. To find proof for the killer, and having Jayce closer to him would make sure that she was safe, even if it risked both of them as well.

"Fine," Ashton stated, "I'll date her, if she says yes,"

"For a girl who wants a good social status, she'll definitely date you," Jaxon responded.

"Oh, you're wrong," Ashton replied, "If she finds out everything is fake, she'll create a bigger mess for me to clean up, that I will later on pass to you to clean up,"

~~~

"First of all, I'm not stupid," Jayce started, "Luring me in like when you said 'yes' to my student council offer and pretending to be such a good vice president had mocked me enough,"

"Don't talk to me like that when you only gave that offer to me because of my status as Kimberly's son and my pretty face," Ashton replied back, haste and hate in his words.

"Oh, is that how you're supposed to react? I thought you wanted me as your girlfriend?" another day, another mind game.

Ashton opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"What other trap do you want me to get into?" she asked, approaching him back.

He pursed his lips, "You're scared of falling in love,"

"I'm not a toddler who can be charmed when given a candy," she responded, with rage and frustration in her voice.

"You're just afraid the epic love you think you had with Jasmine would betray you once more," he replied, "That's what you're afraid of,"

Jayce clenched her jaw, "And you're just afraid that you'd be blinded by love, like how you were once with your mother,"

Maybe her words went too far, but at that moment, both of them had their reasons.

"So I'll tell you the biggest truth now: I hate you, with no exceptions and with no limits," she stated back in a yelling voice until they both noticed a man on the doorway.

"I'm sorry, I should go back in a better timing," Harrison said, squeezing the bouquet of flowers in his hand.

"No, Principal Harrison," Jayce said, taking a breath, then going back to take her coat, "Your son would love to have his father to get his thoughts right. Right here and right now," she walked past him, with a huge amount of anger in herself.

If he was going to use her again this time, then she would make sure that she would use him back too, in the fakest and most deceiving way possible.

After all, she just needed one thing: proof.

~~~

"What're you doing here?" Ashton asked Harrison, who was standing in the doorway, rather uncomfortably.

"Oh," Harrison pursed his lips, "You love chocolates, right? I see you eat them a lot in the cafeteria for dessert," he walked into the room with a box full of chocolates, "And these flowers, little sunflowers, to keep you happy,"

"Happy?" Ashton furrowed, "You want me to be happy when my best friend just died, and my jeep is blown? You want me to be happy when my life is slowly going away?"

Harrison shook a breath, "There's a hint of happiness in everyone, even at their lowest. I want you to be happy in this hard times, even for just a second, so I brought all these, to help you feel a little happiness,"

Ashton looked away and took the TV remote from the side of his bed.

"I want to fix our father-son bond," Harrison stated.

The boy froze, and put down the TV remote beside him, "What did you just say?" he asked, "Fix our father-son bond? We had one?"

"Ashton-"

"No, you don't get to say another word," Ashton pointed his finger at him, "You don't get to come here, bring me chocos and flowers to make sure I stay 'happy' while you get a space to slither in and try to make a bond with me. You don't get to do that,"

"I don't understand why you hate me so much," Harrison replied back, "I am your father, Ashton,"

"You're not acting like one," he replied, "A father wouldn't find an opportunity to take for their own benefit in something their child is going through,"

Harrison pursed his lips.

"Mikael was a whole better father than you," Ashton stated, "And he wasn't even my bio one,"

"Well, that's because I don't want to be a father," Harrison yelled back, "Not again,"

"Again?" he asked back.

"I had a daughter, born in 2010, 5 years younger than you," he started, "I couldn't even hold her in my hands, the only thing I knew about her was that her name was Harper,"

Ashton pursed his lips.

"She was born with a heart disorder, prematurely," he explained, "Died around a week after she was born, and I swore to myself that I would never want to have another child because I couldn't hold the pain of losing one,"

Ashton sat there in silence.

"My wife, Sarah, committed a few days after Harper passed," he concluded, "And I swore I never wanted to remarry or have a child again. When I found out you were my son, I panicked. I didn't know how to be a father, I didn't know how to act around someone I didn't raise,"

Just like with Jayce, he had misinterpreted a person again. And that's what he didn't want her to have if she agreed to date him.

But having proof Eric's killer was much more important.

~~~

Anthony left after telling his little story, and Ashton couldn't reply to any of it. But he had a gift, didn't he? Seeing the dead.

"Harper Harrison and Sarah Harrison? Are you there?" he muttered under his breath.

There was no reply.

"Harper Harrison? Sarah Harrison? This is Ashton Walker, and Anthony misses you both. Do you have anything to say to him?" he asked again.

No reply at all.

It was strange. Definitely. He had communicated with many people who were dead. He had to know their names to call them, but this just felt wrong.

He knew his sixth sense, and this was something that he could've done. At least a cry, or a whisper, would do. He had wondered if they went into the Light, like Eric did immediately a day after.

But this felt quite weird. And it was no normal car accident.

He stood up, head still heavy, and grabbed his IV line, as he walked out of the room and to the elevator, with two policemen standing there.

"Mr Walker, you're not allowed to go anywhere," one of them said.

"I need to go to the lab to get my blood checked," Ashton said. He would be considered a freak if he said he wanted to go to the corpse room, but he needed to find out if he was the problem or they were just in the Light.

"No doctor has informed us of that,"

"As a kid who's been raised by his mother to become a doctor, I think I know that I need a blood sample check as I'm feeling a little dizzy," he replied.

"We'll call the doctor here,"

"No, I wanna have some fresh air too,"

"Fine," the policeman said, "Come with us,"

They went to the first floor and they walked to the corridor which had the lab.

"Can you guys get me some biscuits?" he asked, "I'm hungry,"

"Fine," two of them groaned and turned their backs, going to one of the shops.

As they left for the shop, Ashton quickly walked towards the right, and into one of the hallways, where at the end was the corpse room.

His body shook, but then he thought that this was something he had seen. A dead body, that was still fresh, on the floor, he had seen one.

He pushed the door, and the coldness of the room made him shiver. He wobbly walked with his IV line on him.

As he got in, he immediately walked around quickly and looked at the tags. He knew it was quite disrespectful, and he knew he was a freak, but without the sense, he felt quite vulnerable, even though it had only helped him sometimes and made him fear the graveyards a lot.

"Christine Paulson?" he called, reading the name. No reply, "Henry Gibson?" no reply again.

He was starting to panic. A car accident? A car accident made him lose his sixth sense? The world, it was.

He went out of the corpse room, still not believing his little experiment. But there was not much hope at all.

He walked out of the hallway, which was near the ER, and there was a doctor who was covered in blood as he put away the paddles and looked at his watch.

"Time of death, 20.34," he announced, then took off his gloves sadly.

But other than the fact that everything was covered by the sound of cries by the family, there was no ghost. No spirit. Nothing.

Ashton had officially lost his sixth sense.

~~~

The next two days, with all the rumors of Eric's killer going around, and that the killer was picking targets, Syville Boarding School didn't seem to be a safe place anymore.

It was awkward, definitely, for Ashton and Anthony, but he genuinely felt bad for the man. But he hadn't spoken to him for a day at least.

Neither did Jayce and Ashton for that matter.

A dating offer? A dating offer she wouldn't accept unless it was in her own way. And she had thought about it simply.

Date Ashton, because he was being such a suspicious person who only seemed that he wanted protection from her and her father, who, for that matter, she knew, that he was everything else but in love with her. What was love anyways if she couldn't understand what happened between her and Jasmine the other day?

They hadn't seen each other, it's been a while since they did. Even if they saw each other, what could they possibly say?

And on the other hand, what was the real reason Ashton wanted to date her? It wasn't pure love, it was anything but that. He wanted something from her, or he wanted to do something for her. It was one of those, and Jayce couldn't decide which it was, but definitely he was suspicious of his words, upon her father's words.

Ashton had lost his sixth sense and that was it.

Jayce was now at the library, with Ashton nowhere to be seen studying, but his grades on some subjects still going strong. She walked out of the library, empty and dull, as the autumn wind brushed past her. Her hair was still as short as ever, and it felt comfortable for her in any way.

The moon was shining dimly, and it was late. Jayce was the only one walking out of the library, where the lights were slowly going out, at least she thought she was the last one.

As she walked out of the doors of the library, and walked around the steps that would lead to the gate where she had parked her bicycle, a pair of footsteps behind her was heard. It matched with every step she took, following her, stalking her, imitating her every move.

Jayce walked quicker and faster, and she was weaponless after all. Her pen was still gone, and no person was near her in the nearest few meters. Then what else would there be? Angst? Worry?

The stalker continued to follow her every move, as she turned around the next pillar and her heart beating against her chest. Her voice had sunken down from the panic, and she couldn't think straight as all in her head was just worry. As she turned around, she bent down in a blind spot, and grabbed a brick and hid it in front of her.

Thump, thump, her heart went. It got noisier and noisier in the silence of their footsteps, enough to trigger another anxiety attack.

The stalker seemed to step closer and closer to her, when she found the guts to turn around, wanting to see who it was, with the brick in one hand, ready to be smashed.

But before her entire sight was on the stalker, from the corner of her eye, he was going down the farther steps, to where the nearby woods were, and through the fence, bolting for his life, and not wanting to get caught. She would have chased him, but her energy said something else.

Quite tall, black hoodie, but Jayce could definitely see the boys' uniform sitting below it, and jeans, with shoes that made the attention. Blue basketball shoes with green steps on them.

It was as if the stalker wanted her to know that he was from the basketball team.

~~~

Jayce had her cloudy thoughts above herself as she cycled back to her dorm, still in shock and wonder.

She went back to her dorm with a heavy mind, and Amber was already there, sleeping. Like she always did.

But Jayce couldn't blame her sister. Sleep was the only escape from reality.

She went to her desk and opened her drawer, about to take another tranquilizer when she halted before she put them in her mouth. She shut her eyes as she thought about what Ashton had said to her about overdosis, and her health.

There were other ways to help her calm down, and endangering her physical health by overtaking the pills wasn't healthy at all.

She put the pills back in the bottle, and took all her meds bottles and shoved them down the trash bin. She went to take water from the fridge and gulped it down, and then circulated her breathing well.

Taking a huge breath in and out. In and out. When that didn't help her out well, she went to find a focus object, something that she could waste and spend her time with, away from the thoughts. She had thought of reading a book, or writing another poem, and she chose to write a poem.

But Jayce had figured thoughts of her stalker in the midst of her writing. Someone from the basketball team. It was someone from the basketball team. Or was that what the stalker wanted her to believe?

~~~

The next day was rather a small game between Syville Boarding School and Madison Boarding School, a few kilometers away from the town.

Everyone was cheering for their respective teams, while Jayce's thoughts were only ending the game. Her mind was everywhere.

"Hey," a girl spoke.

Jayce looked to her left to see Brenda with a high ponytail, "Hey," she pursed her lips.

"Your mind seems to be everywhere. Are you good?" she asked.

"Yeah," Jayce scoffed. "How about you?"

"I'm doing well," she replied.

Jayce's gaze fixed on a bracelet on Brenda's wrist. J x B written on it, "Nice bracelet you have," she said.

"Oh," Brenda clenched her jaw, "You like it?" she asked.

"Yeah,"

Brenda reached in her pocket for a similar bracelet with the same initials carved on it, "I'm planning to give it to Jasmine after school,"

"Oh," it wasn't even pain anymore to Jayce. They had broken up anyways, "That's great,"

"You're totally alright with it, right?" Brenda asked, frowning.

"Of course," Jayce chuckled, "Me and Jasmine are just the past, we're friends now, you don't have to worry,"

Brenda gave her a smile, "Wish me luck,"

"I'll pray to the heavens for your relationship to work out well," she replied back.

The crowd went wild when Ashton hit the last goal at the last minute, winning the match, as everyone went to the court and started hugging the team.

Jayce wasn't here for the victory, she was here to see Ashton.

~~~

After the game, she went to the locker rooms where Ashton was with the team, and he was changing himself.

She stood outside the door of the locker room when the door opened and a boy showed up.

"Do you need anything?" he asked.

"Oh," Jayce said, "I wanna talk to Ashton,"

"Cap," the boy yelled into the room, "Someone's here to see you,"

Ashton went up to the doorand he peeped out the doorway, finding Jayce.

"Oh, president, hi," he smiled like a puppy, "Came here to say congrats?" he asked, hope of light in his eyes.

"Hi, I guess, and yes, congrats for winning the game," Jayce scowled, feeling uneasy, "I need your help,"

"My help?" he asked, staggered, "It's either for student council business, or that you're catching feelings for me and you can't help it so you're asking me to help you stop having feelings but I'm very much sorry, my dear president, but I can't help you with that,"

"No," she stated, still with Ashton having a puppy face on him, with a joyous hope she'd date him, "I need to see your team's shoes,"

"What?" he asked, completely lost.

"I just need to see your teammates' shoes. All of the shoes they have, new, old, even if they don't fit anymore," she said, knowing she seemed weird.

"Okay," Ashton dragged his words, "Odd request, but I wouldn't mind. You are insane,"

"Thanks," she curled her lip.

He peeped back into the locker room, "So, my dear president here, needs our cooperation to show her your shoes,"

Jayce flinched at how he formed the sentence.

"Shoes?" Jaxon asked.

"Is she trying to be Cinderella?" another one wondered.

Ashton scrunched his nose, then looked back out of the doorway, "You wanna find a glass slipper?" he asked her.

"No," she scowled back.

"Okay," he looked back into the locker room, "I don't know why but please show all your shoes. Old, new and all of them, even if they don't fit you anymore. If you don't take out a pair or two, you're out of the team. Don't mess with me. Now, chop, chop,"

Everyone rushed to get all their shoes in the lockers and in their bags and put them on display on the seats as Jayce walked in.

She walked around the locker room, feeling quite uneasy, and none of them seemed to match the exact blue basketball shoes she saw the other day.

"Are you sure these are all of it?" she asked.

"Definitely,"

"Yeah,"

She pursed her lips and clenched her jaw, then turned around to Ashton, "Can I see yours?"

It was a last guess, which she didn't want to ask either.

He raised a brow, and went to his locker, taking out all his shoes. Branded. Shoes. No surprise at all, right? Jayce rhetorically asked in her head.

But none of them matched the shoes she saw the other night.

No one in the boarding school had sports shoes except if they were part of a sports team, so this was something that Jayce found was quite odd. The stalker wanted her to believe that he was from the basketball team when he was not. But why?

"None," she said, "Anyways, thanks for your help," she thinly smiled and clicked her tongue as she walked out of the locker, and Ashton immediately followed behind her.

~~~

"Hey," he said, grabbing her hand, as they were quite far from the locker rooms already, "Why were you asking everyone to take out their shoes?"

"As your president, I don't feel obligated to reply to my vice president," she replied.

"Abuse of power, huh?" he smirked back, "Well, then, here's the catch: As your basketball team captain, I feel you're obligated to reply to me as you're just my player," he replied, rather proudly.

She clenched her jaw and jerked his hand away, "Someone stalked me the other night, from the library,"

"Someone stalked you?" he asked, rage somewhere heard in his voice.

"Yes," she replied, "He had blue basketball shoes with green stripes so I thought he was from the basketball team but nobody in here had it,"

"What did he look like?"

"He's a student, definitely, he had the boys' uniform, and he was quite tall, not too tall, and definitely not as tall as you,"

"Did he do anything to you?"

"No," she responded, "He ran away before he did anything, but he wore basketball shoes as if he wanted me to think he was from the basketball team. But why would he want me to think that he would be from the basket team?" she asked herself.

"So that someone from the basket team could take the blame?" he asked back.

"But why stalk me?" she asked, "I don't see a point in telling me to blame someone from the basket team,"

"You were there when my jeep exploded," his eyes widened, "He stalked you because you were helping with Eric's murder, and you were close to me at that time. The killer stalked you," he had worry in his voice.

"No, if the killer stalked me, I would be dead. This person who stalked me knew the killer was someone in the basketball team," Jayce concluded, haste in her voice.

Ashton furrowed, "What?" he whispered, "So, this stalker's on our side?"

"He stalked me so that I could see his shoes' color, that's why he didn't do anything to me. He was giving me a message that someone in the basketball team killed Eric, and he knew that I was smart enough to find out who,"

"So who? How are we going to find out?" he asked reluctantly.

Jayce couldn't believe her words, but the only person that she and her father both suspected right now, was standing in front of her. She had to do it. She had to get to know him if he was really the killer. She needed the proof even if it cost another lie.

She had to date him.

"I have other thoughts than that right now," she said, pursing her lips.

"Like?"

She shut her eyes down for a while and took a breath, then stepped forward and stroked his hair for a little bit before she bought herself a little closer and brushed her lips against his.

In a way she hated it, but he wanted it as a whole. He wanted everything as a whole, and he had lied to her as well on Jaxon's orders.

With Ashton's suspicious behavior on his sudden questions and actions, she just needed one thing to get off the weight on her back: the justification of whether he was innocent or guilty.

One. Deceiving. Kiss.